Stuck in sadness

[JustinK]

I have a question for everybody that replied.

Do you think this is a cross to carry? How do you know something is a cross to carry or one to leave on the hilltop?

It feels like the only reason I have a burden at all is because of the teachings I learned. It feels like never learning any of this would be better because I wouldn’t be questioning everything I do. Ignorance is truly bliss. But I cannot relearn ignorance once I know the Truth, right? Can you pray for ignorance?

Sorry, I’m not trying to bash any religions. I’m simply trying to find some meaning in this suffering and depression. I want to soar above all of this, not be chained down by fear, guilt, and overthinking. I’m trying to voice my thoughts in a respectful way, I apologize if it comes across as anything else.

Thanks again for all of your replies. It’s early in the morning and I am going to get some sleep. Wishing you well.

 

[truthquester]

You really do sound like you need to loosen up a little. There was a time when I once thought about things similar to the way you do and I got fed up with it and walked away from my religion completely but not my faith. It is amazing how many things get taken out of context when it comes to the bible so maybe a break would be good for you. It was very freeing for me and guess what, I don’t need to belong to a religion to be ones of Gods own.

I am now in a position where I have come to terms with things, accepted many things, and am comfortable with religion once again and am considering joining the Catholic church. I originally belonged to the United church, attended as many different churches as I could to try and figure out where I really belong. I am not going to make a commitment until I am sure.

It sounds like you are trying to force yourself to have blind faith and I can’t help but ask why? God gave us free will, nobody has the right to take that from you unless you let them, so maybe by allowing yourself a question or two might actually strengthen your faith in the long run as it did mine.

 

[JustinK]

You really do sound like you need to loosen up a little. There was a time when I once thought about things similar to the way you do and I got fed up with it and walked away from my religion completely but not my faith. It is amazing how many things get taken out of context when it comes to the bible so maybe a break would be good for you. It was very freeing for me and guess what, I don’t need to belong to a religion to be ones of Gods own.

I am now in a position where I have come to terms with things, accepted many things, and am comfortable with religion once again and am considering joining the Catholic church. I originally belonged to the United church, attended as many different churches as I could to try and figure out where I really belong. I am not going to make a commitment until I am sure.

It sounds like you are trying to force yourself to have blind faith and I can’t help but ask why? God gave us free will, nobody has the right to take that from you unless you let them, so maybe by allowing yourself a question or two might actually strengthen your faith in the long run as it did mine.

I get that response a lot from many people. I do need to loosen up. It’s hard when you’ve been taught something for so long, even before you really understood what you were being taught, and then try to face the world.

I consider my Aunt and Uncle holy people. They pray and give thanks. Yet they don’t receive Communion. My mom teaches at a Catholic school. I was raised in Catholic education. So to each their own, I guess.

What sort of trials did you face that are similar? Recently, my mind has been on a girl. I have always been shy. So, maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking about this for some time. She’s the type that you crush on because she’s what you want to be and who you want to spend time with. It’s a heavy combination of infatuation, love, and yes, a little lust. She was out of my mind for a few years actually, but now she’s come back full force you could say. The whole thing about not thinking about it doesn’t work for me. It’s Psychology. If I told you to not think about apples, what did you just do? It’s related to me not being who I want to be as a person. And I think that’s why I’m so fixated on it.

My best friend got me out of some of my shyness. He got me to live some. He introduced me to music which in essence saved me from a dark time in my life when I was struggling with my sexuality and the issue of being more than human. I truly believe that my best gift I have is my humor. I love making people laugh and have fun. Unfortunately, fun in today’s society can be a fast-track to indulging in some pretty sketchy behavior. But you know what, the best memories I have are the ones where I stopped myself from second guessing and actually lived a little. So, maybe I should relearn how to relax a little bit. I’m not condoning sin. I’m condoning being human. Which in a way, could be condoning sin. Ugh. It’s so easy to overanalyze. Especially with my upbringing and my anxious mind.

My mom told me that the bible can often be misinterpreted when I was struggling with taking things literally. I have to learn to see some abstract meaning.

May I ask you something? I have no doubt you felt a bit freer when you left to find things out on your own. So, what is pushing you towards the Catholic Church? I recently heard one of the best quotes I have ever seen the other day. ‘Religion says obey and then you will be saved. The Gospel says you’ve already been saved and that’s why you should obey.’ It put things in perspective in relation to mercy.

Your question about forcing myself to have blind faith. We are supposed to have blind faith. We are supposed to be led by a Shepard. We are supposed just accept because if we don’t we are not saved. In all honesty, it feels like I have no free will most of the time. It’s like telling us, ‘You can have this cookie but not until you eat your vegetables. And I will know if you don’t eat your vegetables.’ Yet, we should strive to eat them to develop healthier bodies. Even if it tastes horrible and we would rather eat the cookie first. Think of it as a reward.

At the same time, I really, really want to be me. It feels like I have never had a choice to be anything other than the shy kid. I want to live. There’s a voice in my head that tells me I can’t. That I’d be rejected for whatever reason. I can be myself at home, around family, but not in public. I want to scrape my knees and play in the mud. At least until it’s time to come inside. And now I’ve had these recent thoughts in regards to my faith. I really don’t need something telling me I can’t live when I haven’t even been able to touch the potential of who I am as a human being at 25 years old. It still feels like I am in my high school phase. I never developed an identity of my own. It feels like I need an ear piercing or tattoo. But for all these Catholics struggling every single day to live their faith, who am I to actually want to do any of that?

Continued below.

 

[JustinK]

I know the struggle of trying to suppress natural urges. I tried it before and learned a lot from it. I learned that in order to avoid the action, avoid the temptation that leads to the act. However, I have talked that particular problem out with a therapist before and we came to a conclusion. She gave me a choice. Something I had not felt like I had before. She asked me if I wanted to keep doing it and beating myself up until I’m bleeding or try to find a way around it. In essence, to keep doing it. I knew what I wanted. So I made a choice. In retrospect, it seems incredibly selfish because it is what I wanted. Because I wanted to be myself. Maybe because I felt like I had a choice.

This all comes down to me having a choice. Free will. I want to love God because I want to love Him. Not because I have to. Maybe fear of hell is enough to make a confession, but I want to confess something that I am truly sorry for and will not do again. Not out of fear. Out of love. Think about the moment of your death. Would you want your significant other to tell you they never left you because they were scared to leave? Or because they loved you.

Anyway, maybe you’re right. Maybe trying to find my own way for a little while might make me realize something along the line. Maybe it won’t. But I do know I have to find a way to stop living in fear. Because that’s not living at all. And that’s not what any type of creator would want for his creation.

Thank you for your reply. I apologize for the length of mine. Feel free to message me anytime.

 

[truthquester]

Hang in there, I was working a great deal of over time today and don’t have time right now to read everything but I haven’t forgotten you. I am sure I can help at least in some small way. I will post more in the next week when I have more time.

We are all a work in progress.

 

[ClearWater]

I know a little about not feeling normal. I got a juvenile form of rheumatoid arthritis at age 10 y.o., got teased a lot because I couldn’t walk or do certain other things well. That can be hard, because when we are growing up, we want to fit in, be like the rest. When we can’t, it can make it seem more difficult to feel belonging.

Of late, at age 50 y.o., I am only now beginning more to feel belonging. As I say, I have a disability. For now, I use a wheelchair. I am dating someone, and he also uses a wheelchair. With him, I can be myself. We understand each other insofar as disability issues are concerned. I needed to look a long time to find him. However, I believe the universe is unfolding EXACTLY as it is supposed to, that we get things at the perfect time, even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes.

As to not being able to ask for help when you need it, that reminds me of me.

I am convinced God does NOT want us fearful and wallowing in guilt and shame are unhelpful, poisonous, because they don’t allow us to move forward. Regret is different.

I agree with the person who told you to learn self acceptance, and I would add self assertiveness. When you speak to your counselor again, can you ask how to be more assertive?

Examples, for me, would be how to set healthy boundaries, NOT allow ourselves to be doormats. You may think being a doormat is the Christian thing to do, but it’s not. Who is being helped by that? You are clearly not being helped, because you’re accepting an abusive relationship, AND the abuser is not being helped. He/she gets away with it without any consequences, is more likely to keep abusing others.

I, for one of the few times in my life, have been, at my age, trying to learn how to stand up for myself. I often pay more than others do for the same thing. I don’t ask for help even when I desperately need it. I allow people to put me down, and I say nothing in response, not offering explanations, etc., just taking it. For decades, I have been just trampled. I want that to stop, because I also accept responsibility for mistakes I didn’t even make!

Think of it this way. Would you want me to continue to be everybody’s doormat? Do you honestly believe Christ wanted us to be doormats? I think that’s a misunderstanding.

We are happiest in mutual relationships with good, healthy, NOT abusive communication. I am going to take these posts as a reminder to myself to not accept mistreatment. You know, I have also been in abusive relationships. I was once in one for 5 years where I was pushed, slapped, and more. I felt it was the Christian thing to accept abuse, that it was being saintlike to be like a martyr.

Please start valuing yourself. Set limits. You might need to model off of someone else who has healthy boundaries, and it will be difficult in the beginning. Respect is earned. Also, maybe one day you will be a parent. If you don’t learn, now, to stand up for yourself, set some limits, how will that go? Your children will test you. They will test you to see if you are worthy of their trust and respect. If you don’t pass, they will walk all over you for the rest of your life, AND they will not learn healthy boundaries, at least not from you.

Respect is earned, and if you look at someone else who is a doormat, do you respect that person? Why or why not?

 

[JustinK]

Hang in there, I was working a great deal of over time today and don’t have time right now to read everything but I haven’t forgotten you. I am sure I can help at least in some small way. I will post more in the next week when I have more time.

We are all a work in progress.

Thank you for your kind words. I know how work can be. Looking forward to hearing from you again.

 

[JustinK]

I know a little about not feeling normal. I got a juvenile form of rheumatoid arthritis at age 10 y.o., got teased a lot because I couldn’t walk or do certain other things well. That can be hard, because when we are growing up, we want to fit in, be like the rest. When we can’t, it can make it seem more difficult to feel belonging.

Of late, at age 50 y.o., I am only now beginning more to feel belonging. As I say, I have a disability. For now, I use a wheelchair. I am dating someone, and he also uses a wheelchair. With him, I can be myself. We understand each other insofar as disability issues are concerned. I needed to look a long time to find him. However, I believe the universe is unfolding EXACTLY as it is supposed to, that we get things at the perfect time, even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes.

As to not being able to ask for help when you need it, that reminds me of me.

I am convinced God does NOT want us fearful and wallowing in guilt and shame are unhelpful, poisonous, because they don’t allow us to move forward. Regret is different.

I agree with the person who told you to learn self acceptance, and I would add self assertiveness. When you speak to your counselor again, can you ask how to be more assertive?

Examples, for me, would be how to set healthy boundaries, NOT allow ourselves to be doormats. You may think being a doormat is the Christian thing to do, but it’s not. Who is being helped by that? You are clearly not being helped, because you’re accepting an abusive relationship, AND the abuser is not being helped. He/she gets away with it without any consequences, is more likely to keep abusing others.

I, for one of the few times in my life, have been, at my age, trying to learn how to stand up for myself. I often pay more than others do for the same thing. I don’t ask for help even when I desperately need it. I allow people to put me down, and I say nothing in response, not offering explanations, etc., just taking it. For decades, I have been just trampled. I want that to stop, because I also accept responsibility for mistakes I didn’t even make!

Think of it this way. Would you want me to continue to be everybody’s doormat? Do you honestly believe Christ wanted us to be doormats? I think that’s a misunderstanding.

We are happiest in mutual relationships with good, healthy, NOT abusive communication. I am going to take these posts as a reminder to myself to not accept mistreatment. You know, I have also been in abusive relationships. I was once in one for 5 years where I was pushed, slapped, and more. I felt it was the Christian thing to accept abuse, that it was being saintlike to be like a martyr.

Please start valuing yourself. Set limits. You might need to model off of someone else who has healthy boundaries, and it will be difficult in the beginning. Respect is earned. Also, maybe one day you will be a parent. If you don’t learn, now, to stand up for yourself, set some limits, how will that go? Your children will test you. They will test you to see if you are worthy of their trust and respect. If you don’t pass, they will walk all over you for the rest of your life, AND they will not learn healthy boundaries, at least not from you.

Respect is earned, and if you look at someone else who is a doormat, do you respect that person? Why or why not?

Yea, I have just always felt a little not like myself in social settings. It’s most likely due to me setting limits for myself. What makes it hard for me is already wanting to fit in, almost having the guts to fit in, and then being bombarded by my Catholic thoughts of right and wrong. So, it’s much easier to stay at home.

However, having these thoughts is not all bad. I went through a week of intense attacks on my mind and soul. Two nights, I cried during work because my soul literally hurt. I’m not sure how else to describe it. It felt so empty that it just hurt. However, the following two days were periods of intense peace with everything. The peace that I believe people talk about when they refer to God. I didn’t feel the need to do anything, though. As long as that peace remained, nothing else mattered to me.

That stopped one night and it made me question what that whole ordeal was. I personally believe that what happened was God’s way of telling me not to be too extreme in either direction. That I need to find some kind of balance to be happy.

I can sympathize with finding someone to have a relationship with. It’s been hard for me as well. My most recent thought to come in my head was that ‘She must be Catholic’ and ‘We must raise our kids Catholic.’ Well, I dread having kids at this point because, well, I’m nowhere near financially stable for them, it’s a long way down the road, and I am scared to death about imposing a belief on them that I know all too well is a daily struggle.

I get it. I get why Jesus gives us rules to follow. I get that He does it out of love and we should reciprocate that love for him through picking up our cross and following Him.

There are so many times though where many of my struggles are the ones I create for myself. So much so that it stops me from enjoying life and spreading that joy to others.

I also think part of my depression and doubt comes from still living at home. It’s a great big world out there. I got a slushie yesterday. It was sunny. I felt happy. (Something most people do. I rarely go out much and enjoy myself like that as of late.) Is it wrong to indulge in that happiness so you infect others with that happiness?

Cont.

 

[JustinK]

Of course, this can extend to other experiences which I have to be careful about. But, at the core of who I am, I want to be happy and free to be me. I know the saying is Jesus first, Others second, Yourself third. Joy. But I would like to be happy knowing that it’s okay to be myself. If not to make someone else smile. I want to learn that self-acceptance is okay.

A doormat is a bad thing to be. Sometimes. I had a situation at my job where I got fed up. I usually don’t raise any problems. I do my work and go home. This time went to far, though. It made me realize how much of a doormat I was being. I needed to see the difference between letting someone walk on me because they knew they could and letting someone walk on me because I would let them, knowing that it would make their lives easier.

I do need to start valuing myself. I need to find out who I am. I need to find out what I believe before I even start looking for other people to spend my time with. Because I’d hate to suddenly believe something and have my partner believe the opposite. That in itself is its own discussion, though. I just want to be happy and carefree like I used to be.

About your question in regards to respecting someone who is a doormat. I would say I respect someone willing to let another person walk on them in certain circumstances. It takes a strong person to give themselves up like that, I feel. I would not respect someone who gets walked on and doesn’t see that their being taken advantage of, though. I’ve been in both situations.

My mind walks on me constantly. ‘Oh what you’re doing is bad.’ ‘You’re a bad person.’ ‘You can never be yourself.’ ‘You can’t hang out with anybody.’ ‘You need to open your eyes to new possibilities of faith.’ ‘You are not allowed to open your eyes to other faiths, it will only damage you.’ ‘You can’t do this.’ ‘You can’t do that.’ ‘So just curl up in bed and sleep already.’

I just really want to feel like my carefree self. Because that’s what spreads the happiness to other people. That’s what spreads the love. All of this self-doubt and questioning about religion, I don’t know. Maybe it’s a good thing. It certainly doesn’t feel like anything evil is trying to get to me. I don’t understand what kind of evil would make me want to be happy and share it. Maybe if it meant rejecting Jesus or something. But now I am starting to overthink it. I believe Jesus would want me to shine for Him and for the people around me. I just have to believe it’s okay to live. I feel like I need permission from someone to be the person I want to be. I need permission to live my life. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t want to mope around and sleep all day. I want to go out and enjoy the many facets of life. A big problem for me is pushing off, though. It always has been. But I’ve found that all of my experiences, once I was pushed towards them, have been amazing even though some parts were not so much. I learned from all of them. I grew from them. All I need to do is learn to push myself. Okay, maybe a little wind from the Holy Spirit wouldn’t hurt too much. A little help is okay every now and then, I suppose.

I had a job at a camp a few summers back. We were doing an exercise where we had to find our way out of a maze made of sting - blindfolded. The leaders told us if we needed help, we just needed to raise our hands. I stayed looking for an exit for some time, bumping into people and such. Eventually, I raised my hand and waited. A whisper came into my ear. ‘Take your blindfold off.’ I did and immediately realized there was no exit. Not any you’d find following a line of string, at least. Through this, we were told that it’s okay to ask for help. I’ll never forget that. Never be afraid to ask for help.

 

[truthquester]

How are you this week JustinK? You certainly do sound like someone who in the middle of a depression and that is certainly affecting your perspective on things, been there done that. You would be amazed at just how badly depression can affect your thinking. It passes. I don’t think I can answer all of your questions but I can answer some.

I have asked myself many of the same questions that you ask. Is there more than one road to God, of course there is. Do you really believe that God would cast somebody away because their religion isn’t right? Isn’t there a scripture that says that even if you look under a rock you can find him there?

I have a theory about depression and anxiety, it’s your body and minds way of forcing you to take care of yourself. I know that when I was depressed it was because there were some emotional issues from my growing up that I had not addressed in any way. I just pushed my hurts under a rug and they did not go away. I did not think that I was allowed to say anything negative about my parents or the church or anything they had done but I had to address it, talk about it in order to gain proper perspective and move on from it. It was like a wound that had never been treated.

You said something in your last post about putting God first, others next and then you. You are supposed to put God first, yourself second and others next. It says that you are supposed to love others as you love yourself but if you have no love for self, how can you have love for others? I have been down that road and trust me when you don’t put yourself ahead of others, the only thing that leads to is bitterness and resentment.

I had to learn a lot about self care and how important it is. I learned that it is ok to take a break from religion. There is nothing in the commandments that says anything about going to church. I learned that depression may feel bad but it is important to personal development, no other time in my life was I as ever as close to God and for that I am eternally grateful. There is much to be learned from it and it is not necessarily a bad thing, some cultures call it the dark night of the soul and they yearn for it as it is viewed as an opportunity. During my depression I found that journalling was incredibly helpful too so you might want to give that a try.

You said you have been raised as a catholic, so I guess you are accustomed to seeing a priest. Have you ever just sat down and spoken to God privately? I have and he does still hear and answer your prayers. Also, have you learned about Gods armor? That was also very helpful to me. I don’t fully understand all this business about spiritual attack but I put it on anyway. There is no way that anybody is ever going to understand everything about religion and God, there are some things that are just beyond human comprehension.

And yes, God wants for you to be happy too. I never really understood the kind of love the bible talks about until I had children of my own, and wow, if God loves us more than I could ever love those children of mine it is more than what can be described in words. What if you had a son who came to you with all of these questions, would you beat on him the same way you beat on yourself? I doubt that you would. I don’t even know you but I want so badly to help you because I have been there and I know what it’s like. God loves you just the way you are whether you are catholic or anglican or baptist, it doesn’t matter.

 

[JustinK]

Oh, I’m hanging in there. These thoughts of mine don’t really stop and it’s different every day. Yea, I realized I’m depressed. I have been since I got out of high school into a world of differing practices and beliefs.

I believe there is more than one road as well. But, the only real way to Him that I know of, because I grew up with it, is through Jesus. We are told that unless we don’t believe in Jesus, we will not obtain Eternal Life with him. This was a primary teaching of my upbringing. At school as well as at home.

However, I believe somebody who doesn’t know Jesus can go through life a lot easier at times. A LOT EASIER. Maybe this is a lie of the Devil and they’re really in darkness, but they don’t always have to question everything they do because they think it’s right. I know some people like that and they are genuinely happy. Or, at least they believe they are, so they are. But then you miss out on the peace He brings to you. I believe you can find God in all things, though.

This is another area in which I struggle. See, when I’m not thinking about religion, I’m thinking about girls. I have never been in a real relationship and this has been getting in the way of finding someone greatly. I have started to compare some people to religion or the life I want to live so badly. One girl has always been in the back of my head and she cares for me. But I connect her heavily to the life I want. She believes in love. Yet she also believes other things that wouldn’t jive with me. I could see a happy life with her, though. She’s also very pretty. This factor would help me when I feel the urge to look at other girls. This is a major reason I don’t have a phone. I know I would want to text her again the second I activate it. It’s been years since we talked and I miss it. That can’t just be temptation. I miss how happy I was with her.

The other girl is nice, genuinely cares about me, and is always there for me. But she’s not what I want. She’s what I need. I could have a happy life with her if I wanted to settle. But why wouldn’t I want that? Would I want kids with her? We have to have them if I’m going to be Catholic. What do I raise them to be? She also helps me with my problems. If I want to change something, she helps me change it. Anyway, this is just another area and I only mention it because the two topics have recently overlapped.

I see it as what I want vs. what I need. Which is exactly where I stand with religion right now. And anything I pick is going to be wrong and I am just using them for my benefit.

Your theory is interesting. I don’t talk a lot about my struggles with this because I don’t have a lot of close friends who are Catholic. That’s why I like talking about it here. People can empathize so much better with the struggles we face.

Eh. Most people could interpret keeping the Sabbath holy as going to Church. It’s also extremely engrained in me to go to Church. In fact, that was one of the first sins I was made aware of to confess. I can more than see where some people believe otherwise, though. It’s also nice to just sit for an hour and hear the Word and being in that community, I think. As far as journaling, I have a blog. It’s mainly just for my depressive thoughts to get them out. And I always feel better after typing something out.

I have had issues with priests as well as therapists in the past. It’s hard when you think secular help can be one of the tools of Satan. It makes sense. I would want to provide false comfort to someone if I were an evil manipulator like him. That being said, I keep a lot in. That’s why I write. I believe God is fully aware of what I go through on a daily basis. I have not heard about God’s armor. When I was little, a therapist recommended a prayer wall when I was scared somebody would come to harm us at night. Yea, most things just take faith. And faith can’t come from reason most of the times.

I love how you defined your love for your kids. That’s awesome. My mom says the same thing. We love you unconditionally but God loves you even more. My mom told us that what she wants more than anything in this world is for us to be happy. It’s always comforting to think that when you have moments of peace and tranquility, God is speaking directly to you. Who am I that God would want to help me. Out of everyone else? It’s cool.

And then I get the thought that the Devil is the same way. A silent infection.

Or maybe they’re just people doing what people do.

My problem is my thinking. There are some days where I feel my thoughts are right. There are some days where I feel my thoughts are wrong. Most of the time, they stop me from living any kind of a life. The scary times are when my thoughts make sense or I think God or Satan are raging inside of me. I don’t want to believe that. Sometimes I think that people are generally good at heart and there is a lack of Satan in our world. This can’t be true either. I had a thought last night that society is the Devil. That’s both right and wrong. See, I want to live in society. It’s not wrong to want that. But, society definitely says a lot of immoral things are okay. I had one counselor who used to tell me that just because something’s normal, doesn’t make it okay. This annoyed the **** out of me. Because while I didn’t want to spout profanities about girls like 90% of the guys in my school seemed to, I did want to do other things that a normal person has no problem with doing.

Cont.

 

[JustinK]

I really just want to not analyze everything anymore. But in order to do that, I either have to break away or pick and choose what I want to believe. And I can’t do either. If I pick and choose, what’s the point of the Church? Didn’t Jesus give Peter authority to build a Church in His name? And that’s not fair to the millions of people struggling every day to suppress their human nature. I respect that they have faith to fall back on, but it feels like most of the problems we have with religion, we create ourselves. Yet to just love. To just be a good person. It seems like a total cop-out to me. It shouldn’t be that way. But we are supposed to be the Church Suffering here on Earth. Taking up our crosses. Constantly striving to be like Jesus in every way. This is how we suffer. We deny our humanity so much that it hurts us and God greatly when we fall. Is confession and prayer simply therapeutic? Faith without works is dead. Shouldn’t it stand that works without faith is equally dead. I want to be good for the sake of being good. There is no reason to hate.

I can appreciate that without my upbringing. As confusing as things are, I feel as though I am incapable of hate. And that’s wonderful.

There is a saying that I like. There was a man who prayed every day to win the lottery. But he never bought a ticket. I like to think that prayer helps and heals, but it comes down to our actions. It might be time to look into some medication.

And now I’m getting the thought that medication is too easy of a way out. Like it’s not fair to the people that have faith and medicate that way. Like I’m not worthy since I want to look to worldly ways to try to help calm my thinking and suppress my conscious just so I can live a happy life.

It’s so damaging to me when I think happiness is selfish though. Or sinful. Of course sin would make me happy. Because I’m human. Of course I want to not think about this because it’s easier not to or everyone says I’m beating myself up too much. I should be struggling. I should be more than what I am. Guilt is how we know something is wrong, wrong, wrong. This is my cross. Or is it just incessant paranoia and guilt for wanting to be myself? Society would certainly say so. And any therapist would, too. Hence the confusion.

This is my mind for you. My high school counselor talked me into getting medication because she realized how much I overthink. But if you look at these forums, questioning and overthinking is rampant. This isn’t a bad thing. My teachers loved that I came to them with all these hard questions. And again, I respect the people on here for having faith so strong that they put all they have into it. They come to God for everything.

Lastly, can I ask why you’re considering being a Catholic?

I apologize for the long posts every time. I know you’re busy. I’ll try to shorten it next time. It’s just good to get out and know that someone is listening. Thank you for being here for me. I appreciate it more than you know.

 

[fred_conty]

Justin,
You need a break from yourself. You asked if it would help you if you meditated. Very definitely … yes.
Just pick up one of the Gospels and read about Jesus…slowly…putting yourself in the scene and experience being there with Jesus. Think about his mysteries and actions and forget about your own for those moments. Think about him and those who were with Jesus and what is taking place. If you continue to do this, the pressure on you will subside and your true understanding of what you mean to him will grow.

I want to assure you there is noone in this world who Jesus does not at this very moment love. Even the most wretched and hateful people. He continues to love everyone at all times. His attitude never changes…even for those sinning. He is pursuing them in ways that he can if they will only open up to him a little. He never stops and will accept back even the most hardened criminal…up to the very end …until the gong strikes and time runs out. He never turns his back on anyone at any time.

Even if a sinner knows he is wrong in his sin and does it anyway, God will accept him back in the very next instant if the sinner asks. For he is understanding thru his being one with us in his Son Jesus. He is in sympathy with our weakness and our moments of darkness. Noone loves us more than he does nor has more patient tenderness than Jesus. Think about this often and it will restore your confidence in just how valuable you are to him and his heart.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.

 

[JustinK]

Justin,
You need a break from yourself. You asked if it would help you if you meditated. Very definitely … yes.
Just pick up one of the Gospels and read about Jesus…slowly…putting yourself in the scene and experience being there with Jesus. Think about his mysteries and actions and forget about your own for those moments. Think about him and those who were with Jesus and what is taking place. If you continue to do this, the pressure on you will subside and your true understanding of what you mean to him will grow.

I want to assure you there is noone in this world who Jesus does not at this very moment love. Even the most wretched and hateful people. He continues to love everyone at all times. His attitude never changes…even for those sinning. He is pursuing them in ways that he can if they will only open up to him a little. He never stops and will accept back even the most hardened criminal…up to the very end …until the gong strikes and time runs out. He never turns his back on anyone at any time.

Even if a sinner knows he is wrong in his sin and does it anyway, God will accept him back in the very next instant if the sinner asks. For he is understanding thru his being one with us in his Son Jesus. He is in sympathy with our weakness and our moments of darkness. Noone loves us more than he does nor has more patient tenderness than Jesus. Think about this often and it will restore your confidence in just how valuable you are to him and his heart.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.

My mind is always going. This morning has been a little easier on me, though. I said medicated But meditation might help too. Anything to quiet my mind for awhile.

That’s some really good advice. I might try that sometime. I was just wondering tonight if Jesus joked around with his disciples and such. That would be fun to witness.

My issue is that I know I’m going to sin. But I’m not always sorry for it. I see it as an experience of being here on Earth. I mean, I’m not going to go and murder someone or rob a bank. But after living so long with shyness and such, I want to live some. I want to use the free will God gave me to enjoy some of my life. Lately, it feels like free will is a joke. You have free will but you can’t use it because then you’ll go to hell. I understand God wants us to come to Him freely, but it’s so hard to love someone who seems to restrict nearly every aspect of human existence. So when I die, I could always apologize. But I don’t want to apologize for living my life. I moreso fear hell.

I recognize we have moments of weakness and darkness. The Boston Bombings come to mind. The thing I have trouble with is that I create my own weakness and darkness based on what I interpret the Church says. My mom has bible study and says I need to learn to take things abstractly. But, I feel like the Pope should have the best interpretation of it, right? We’re not really free to interpret it ourselves.

A big weakness for me is lust. Being a guy in my mid twenties who’s never had a girlfriend, I’m sure most guys can relate. However, I don’t always see it as a bad thing. Maybe when I’m married, but not now. Maybe that’s the Devil talking. I can see how it objectifies women and I can see how it can make you want a life with someone for the wrong reasons, but a huge part of dating is physical attraction. I’m not going to rape people, I just look and wonder every now and then when I see an attractive person. This was an issue I beat myself black and blue over back in college. I felt absolutely horrible and called myself a lot of names for thinking anything while looking at a girl. It was a really dark time in my life.

This will no doubt carry over into any relationships that I want to pursue. And if I have a wife, I can’t even lust after her. And if I do, I’m almost certain I won’t be sorry for doing it. That’s when it turns into complacency and I start to numb my conscience.

I understand that true love is selfless and the purpose for sex is to have a baby to be raised in the Catholic faith so that they can know God. I can say without a doubt I will not always comply with that frame of thought, though. Especially with all of my overthinking related to religion. I am truly my own worst enemy and I don’t want a child until I can get a firm grasp on what I believe. I don’t want to confuse them and this world will already be confusing enough for them.

So if I’m not sorry, why should I be forgiven? And if I’m truly sorry, I wouldn’t do it again. It’s a paradox.

Have you heard of ‘You are my friends if you keep my commands, no longer slaves, I call you friends’? I wonder what they would be slaves to. Money? Power? I can see those as being particularly evil. Other things, not so much. In moderation at least.

I think I am one of those people who sees God as restrictive rather than loving. And maybe we try to be like rebellious teenagers for the sake of not being restricted so much, but I believe it’s just life. We just want to be happy.

This suffering isn’t all bad, though. I’ve learned from it. I can now empathize so well with homosexual people. Having someone tell you that they won’t judge you for being yourself but you’re still a bad person. It’s such a dichotomy. I am not looking forward to any children asking me about that issue. I’m still uncomfortable with the idea, but that’s probably because I was raised in an environment that looked at homosexuality with discomfort and it goes against natural sexual planning. But I bet every person does not feel sorry for being themselves and being happy. God loves them for them, right?

I tend to get a tad off topic while I’m typing my thoughts if you haven’t noticed. Thank you for your reply and kind words. It means a lot.

 

[fred_conty]

I can well understand how difficult it is for any young man to remain pure. But the one thing I found is that I can do without almost anything but I can’t do without the peace that is brought to me by knowing I am one with Jesus. It is without a doubt, that the peace of Christ is what makes my life good. Tho the sexual inclination is strong, the peace of Christ is worth so much more.

There are several things that are important. A routine prayer life is a must, and fidelity to that routine is even more important. And it must be a rather rigorous one at that because otherwise without the graces that this prayer life produces, I could not make it. There just aren’t any excuses for not being faithful to this prayer life except maybe illness. That has to be ironclad and without deviation.

Some sort of mortification is also necessary, denying ourselves of pleasure in some way every day. The Bible tells us that the flesh makes war on the spirit, and it says this in different ways and in several places. Our spirit must control the body and not the other way around. And to accomplish this the spirit needs to practise control over the body in little ways, in spiritual ways, on the cross. I have found over time that this must be done at least a little bit each and every day, except holydays and Sundays. The reward for this has been very noticable.

Mary is another person who is in my love also. It would be impossible to say how may times I have invoked her help and asked for great graces, and I can honestly say she has never refused me even in some very big requests in regard to graces. I could start now to thank her and I would never be finished with my gratitude to her for all she has done. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She can be counted on to be at our side when we need her. Develope a good loving relationship with you mother in heaven by having some heart to heart conversations with her. Then place all that you are and do in her honor so that she may bring you closer to the heart of her son. She is one of the shortest and strongest paths to great graces from her son.

Prayer, mortification, Mary. Over time, easier, better. What can equal the great peace of Jesus Christ?

May divine mercy, peace, and love be yours in ever greater measure.

 

[truthquester]

How are you doing? I would like to correct something that I said in the last post I made and I feel really stupid thinking back on it now. I said that there are many paths to God, but I may have been mistaken in the way I said it.

I meant that you don’t need to go to any certain kind of church, but the only road to God is still through Jesus. I didn’t mean that you could skip Him, just that if you need His help that you can receive His help from anywhere.

I hope you are starting to feel a little better.

 

[JustinK]

I can well understand how difficult it is for any young man to remain pure. But the one thing I found is that I can do without almost anything but I can’t do without the peace that is brought to me by knowing I am one with Jesus. It is without a doubt, that the peace of Christ is what makes my life good. Tho the sexual inclination is strong, the peace of Christ is worth so much more.

There are several things that are important. A routine prayer life is a must, and fidelity to that routine is even more important. And it must be a rather rigorous one at that because otherwise without the graces that this prayer life produces, I could not make it. There just aren’t any excuses for not being faithful to this prayer life except maybe illness. That has to be ironclad and without deviation.

Some sort of mortification is also necessary, denying ourselves of pleasure in some way every day. The Bible tells us that the flesh makes war on the spirit, and it says this in different ways and in several places. Our spirit must control the body and not the other way around. And to accomplish this the spirit needs to practise control over the body in little ways, in spiritual ways, on the cross. I have found over time that this must be done at least a little bit each and every day, except holydays and Sundays. The reward for this has been very noticable.

Mary is another person who is in my love also. It would be impossible to say how may times I have invoked her help and asked for great graces, and I can honestly say she has never refused me even in some very big requests in regard to graces. I could start now to thank her and I would never be finished with my gratitude to her for all she has done. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She can be counted on to be at our side when we need her. Develope a good loving relationship with you mother in heaven by having some heart to heart conversations with her. Then place all that you are and do in her honor so that she may bring you closer to the heart of her son. She is one of the shortest and strongest paths to great graces from her son.

Prayer, mortification, Mary. Over time, easier, better. What can equal the great peace of Jesus Christ?

May divine mercy, peace, and love be yours in ever greater measure.

Yea, I’m used to the whole denying yourself idea. It help you appreciate things more and makes you more humble.

The mortification bit. Eh. I agree with that somewhat. Like putting a rock in your shoe to remind you not everyone has a good life. I believe for the most part, God wants us to be happy. I have found I’ve already given up my own self multiple times and for me, it only led to sadness. That’s just me though. I understand the idea behind what you’re saying though and value your virtue.

I know many people who pray to Jesus and God. Not to Mary. That might be worth looking into. It might produce different results praying for the intercession of Mary instead of Jesus or God. Maybe Mary can understand some more things as well, being a Mother.

Thanks for your reply.

 

[JustinK]

How are you doing? I would like to correct something that I said in the last post I made and I feel really stupid thinking back on it now. I said that there are many paths to God, but I may have been mistaken in the way I said it.

I meant that you don’t need to go to any certain kind of church, but the only road to God is still through Jesus. I didn’t mean that you could skip Him, just that if you need His help that you can receive His help from anywhere.

I hope you are starting to feel a little better.

I’m still stuck in a bubble, unfortunately. It’s not a good feeling when you see the world through the eyes of a Catholic and recognize ALL of the sin that goes on. I wonder how people can even be happy. Because they’re ignorant of what the Church says. But I’m not allowed to be ignorant. Yet I want to be happy again. It feels like a never-ending cycle and the only way to break it is to lay off on what causes my mind to worry: Religion. But I can’t because I’d knowingly be rejecting the Truth. Lately, it feels like I’m a robot. I don’t have any emotion whatsoever. None. Nothing makes me happy but nothing makes me sad. And I can’t talk to a priest because he’d tell me to fall back on religion. I can’t talk to a therapist because they’d tell me to take a break which I also can’t do. It’s not too great of a situation.

Ah. Yea, that makes more sense. But wouldn’t the Church of Jesus still be Catholicism? Or do you just mean Christianity in general? Yea, it’s nice to know that anytime you need Him, He’s always there.

Thank you for your reply and well wishes.

 

[kablueangels]

Justin! I am a 26 year old woman and have shared many of the same struggles you have expressed. Additionally, I was engaged to a wonderful Catholic man until about 6 months ago when he called off our wedding because he no longer felt we were “compatible” and does not feel God is calling us to marriage anymore.

It has been devastating and heartbreaking, but part of the reason why he struggled to see me as being ready to be a wife is because I am constantly so fearful of losing him (and I also overanalyze). It’s been a very tough lesson to learn that we must abandon everything to God if we are ever to find happiness and peace. I wasn’t ready to be married because I didn’t have peace in my heart and trust in God, even though I had a strong faith and still love this man very deeply. I was looking to a man to fill a hole God needed to fill. I do not know if we will ever date again, but in the meantime, I am trying to offer my suffering and loneliness up to God and trust that His plan for me is greater than I could have ever imagined.

When we broke up, he gave me a book called, “Searching for and Maintaining Peace” written by Fr. Jacques Philipe. It is all about how we come to find peace in God alone. Please consider reading it! This book has been the greatest challenge of my spiritual life, but I know that what it contains will bring me closer to Christ, and allow me to freely truly love another some day if that is God’s will, whether that man be my ex or another.

amazon.com/Searching-Maintaining-Peace-Small-Treatise/dp/0818909064

God bless,
Kara

 

[JustinK]

Justin! I am a 26 year old woman and have shared many of the same struggles you have expressed. Additionally, I was engaged to a wonderful Catholic man until about 6 months ago when he called off our wedding because he no longer felt we were “compatible” and does not feel God is calling us to marriage anymore.

It has been devastating and heartbreaking, but part of the reason why he struggled to see me as being ready to be a wife is because I am constantly so fearful of losing him (and I also overanalyze). It’s been a very tough lesson to learn that we must abandon everything to God if we are ever to find happiness and peace. I wasn’t ready to be married because I didn’t have peace in my heart and trust in God, even though I had a strong faith and still love this man very deeply. I was looking to a man to fill a hole God needed to fill. I do not know if we will ever date again, but in the meantime, I am trying to offer my suffering and loneliness up to God and trust that His plan for me is greater than I could have ever imagined.

When we broke up, he gave me a book called, “Searching for and Maintaining Peace” written by Fr. Jacques Philipe. It is all about how we come to find peace in God alone. Please consider reading it! This book has been the greatest challenge of my spiritual life, but I know that what it contains will bring me closer to Christ, and allow me to freely truly love another some day if that is God’s will, whether that man be my ex or another.

amazon.com/Searching-Maintaining-Peace-Small-Treatise/dp/0818909064

God bless,
Kara

Hey, Kara.

It’s nice to know someone my age has the same struggles to. This just came out of nowhere for me which is the really hard part. It’s tough to know what struggles are the ones I make up and what ones are real.

I hope you find some reconciliation with your ex. He sounds like he wanted to help you find your own peace, which is good. Sorry about the marriage, though. I liked your line about looking to a man to fill a hole God needed to fill. I think that’s what most people do with other things as well.

I’ve looked up that book and it seems to be a good read. I may check it out sometime. Thanks for the recommendation.

I do have a question though, how do you freely choose something if it’s not your will?

Thank you for your reply and advice.