**I can’t even imagine the pain and turmoil you must be going through … the one thing that sustains me is to know that KK went quickly … and she was happy prior to leaving us. My only prayer is that her Angel was with her and took her up to heaven. **
**I can’t imagine your **pain Moe… It does distress me to think of him hanging there for long or kicking the crate away…
Lord Bless Him.
** I get great anxiety…**
**
Anxiety… have you talked to your doctor about medication - i should still be on them.******
He had a Catholic funeral even though his notes said: No Church service, doors closed for the cremation service, his ashes in the rubbish, no notices in the papers. He tried to cover his tracks so that i would never find out. My father was told by my aunty how i **yearned **to be with him again, i have always ADORED my daddy, i didn’t just love him, i **adored **him Moe…
Probably just as well that it wasn’t you … really – it was God’s grace that it wasn’t you.
**I still wish it was- i would have seen him & touched him. I had not seen him since 1980. I begged Frank from the funeral home - "can’t you just put a cloth over his face and let me just kiss his forehead, hands - that is ***all **
i wanted. I was told that under no circumstances would i be able to see him. *** That ripped my heart apart. Mum said she has never seen anyone so lost. I had a nervous breakdown, lost a stone etc… Taping the eulogy WAS the hardest part and the songs… In order… Carol King - So Far Away, Bread - Everything I Own (written about David Gates’ dad,) and at the end Elvis - Bridge Over Troubled Water - my favourite…
Tough days – we got KK’s birth certificate in the mail last night … pretty emotional … we were all a wreck and Amanda had another episode … The poor thing … bad enough Greg and I have to feel this pain – I wish I could take Amanda’s pain away – she shouldn’t have to deal with this so young.
I told her this morning that she doesn’t need to be strong for Daddy and I. We will get through this (I hope…I didn’t tell her that) … and that we are all here for each other.
She has lost her right hand in a sense, & you have lost both ****of yours. She worries for you Moe, You both are all she has & it is scaring her. I hope she has a good support network at school - friends are so important…
I can only hope that …. I got out the Compassionate Friends Folder we received from the funeral home … so I can contact someone. I was in such despair yesterday – called Greg and he couldn’t help me … because he is going through the same thing; called my sister and she couldn’t help me …. I am just a wreck …
**Moe, you can ring me REVERSE charges any time! I am going to PM you my number, I ** DO ****mean it. With my calling card, for $10 i can call the US and talk for 714 minutes - cheap!
I still don’t feel him … but I know that he is sustaining me … I still haven’t dreamt of my sweet beautiful McKayla … I am in agony over that …… I am in agony over everything … I can’t even imagine living the rest of my life with so much pain … **
**
I pray you will dream her soon.
**96 …GOD PLEASE DON’T LET ME LIVE TO 96 **
** Maybe if Amanda would give you grandchildren - you may want to live a bit longer to be with them and to see your Amanda grow up… but 96 is old! **
We took Fr. Don, our Pastor, out to brunch after Mass. It was great to be with him. We were with him, my sister and her husband and McKayla’s Best Friend and her family. It was nice … I came home after that and slept for a couple of hours. Sleep is a great escape from pain.
Was Isabella McKayla’s best friend? Her posts make me cry in McKayla’s website.
I have fallen asleep on my couch the past couple of nights watch the redsox play … late games because they are in the west coast … tonight they are in Boston!
It’s no good for your neck… we do it all the time, i HATE going to bed … are the redsox winning?
**Just getting by…
Thinking and praying for you in NH … Love Moe**
** I will continue to pray for you & McKayla. **
**As always,
:hug1:
Sonja
xoxoxoxo**
She also rang me right after dad’s funeral & boy did i* give it to her as she didn’t pay my dad properly (& she didn’t know that i knew,) that is when she told me she had photocopied my details. Dad died, Marie apparently put notices in the local paper praising dad for his workmanship in the town etc… & gave Helen the Real Estate lady MY name & address etc who in turn took it to the* police and gave it to them on 20 June. I spoke to Helen & she said she went to the police on a number of occasions to ask had they told me yet as she did not want to be the one to do it (dad’s stuff had to be out of the unit) & they would tell her nothing. I am married, have a silent number, but my mother still carries my father’s name & IS in the phone book & there are maybe 10 people with our surname in there. The police asked Tom **that day “Who is Sonja?” So they 'KNEW I EXISTED! The police in my State rang me 3 months later, Western Australian police had only just passed the info onto them - 2 days before father’s day & it was Braden’s 2nd birthday on father’s day that year… The police told me he left 2 notes, when i received the death certificate from the Coroner - there were 6 notes NOT 2! They destroyed the original notes, why? I wanted them. His wallet and watch etc all just disappeared. The police offered to send me the rope he used, so then i demanded it, but they never sent it. But for them to offer me the rope that my own father put around his neck?? ** what is wrong with them? ** My doctor sent me to a psychologist straight away that day as i went balistic in the surgery. This really sent me over the edge as IF they sent me the rope, i would have caught a plane back over there and put it **around the constable’s neck for lying to me and for making my daddy lie on a cold slab in a morgue for 3 months - how DARE they do that!!! They didn’t care, they KNEW i was in Canberrra. Kalgoorlie police passed the buck to the Canberra police, who then passed the back to the Queanbeyan police (different jurisdiction and we are just out of the city). Canberra police rang me at 1pm, as soon as she asked did i know Charlie Jukic - i felt it and said yes, what has happened to him? She said that he had passed away but she could not tell me how on the telephone and the police would come to my house. Mum and my aunty came over (mum’s sister not the one who my dad rang before he did it) and we waited and waited… At 5.30pm i rang them back & said i needed to know HOW? & they asked if i could go into the Queanbeyan police station. I waited for Darren & we got there about 7pm. I was standing at the counter & told them who i was. They never asked me to even sit down… He abruptly said “Do you want to know how he died?” I said “yes” & he bluntly said “he hung himself.”