Super-liberal relatives visiting over Easter

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27lw

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Hi all,
I am stressing out about some relatives that are coming to visit us for about 4 days over Easter weekend. They are anti-Catholic, super in favor of SSM, one relative harangued my husband about how awful Arizona is, and how bigoted and backwards Arizona’s attempted legislation is, etc.
They have given books to my kids that I consider to be unacceptable, and they are very permissive about what the media they allow their daughters to watch / listen to (Sex and the city movie, etc for 10 and 13 year olds). They have tried to pressure us to send our older daughter to go spend 3 weeks with them over the summer for a specialized academic camp.
They mainly come to visit us so that the cousins can spend time together, and know each other. I agree that’s a worthwhile goal. They come visit us at Easter because they get Good Friday and Easter Monday off, so it’s easy for them to visit, without having to take extra vacation days.
Help - it also makes it awkward for us to go to Good Friday liturgy, etc. because the relatives just think it’s another day off. We have taken the kids to Easter morning Mass is the past, just to hear the mom lecture her daughters about how awful the Catholic Church is (in another room). I’m just dreading this - - any advice?
 
I would keep them at a distance as much as possible. I wouldn’t let my kids go to stay with them. Try to be nice about it, but you have to be firm.
 
Boundaries. It is all about boundaries.

I’m those super liberal relatives who visits catholic family on Easter. Politics are not discussed, period. When my in-laws attempt to engage me I just repeat “It’s such a nice weekend/lunch/reunion/day/whatever that I would hate to spoil it with politics” or “I’m not really comfortable going there right now. We disagree on the issue and I would hate to make the day about that” ad nauseam.

Also, they probably shouldn’t go to mass with you. But I’m not sure why that isn’t a mutual boundary. Why would you want them to go with you and why would they want to go if they are that concerned about their daughter? Maybe all of you are just trying to be polite, but it should stop. You just leave for mass and say “I’ll be gone for an hour or two. Feel free to do XYZ, and when I get back we’ll figure out dinner”. My husband and I have a policy of never attending mass with relatives unless it’s a wedding or funeral because of the issues it can cause. It seems you’ve found some of those issues.
 
Blue-eyed lady:
That is some great advice. Just not to discuss it. Also, the only reason the kids came to Mass on Easter morning, was because the kids basically begged to go (they had literally never been to any kind of church service). The parents did not come along. When they came home from church, the younger one said how much she loved it, that’s when the mom lectured her about how awful the church is. I basically think they allowed the kids to go to church was because the parents assumed their kids would hate it.
Thank you also livingwordunity - - I am taking your words to heart!
 
To bring back a statement we usually hear when dealing with older children – your house, your rules.

A few things I would do, because some things are not negotiable, even for family –
My family and I would still go to our usual Triduum liturgies. The relatives can go out sightseeing, or stay home and watch TV, whatever.
I’d make it very clear that the anti-Catholic lectures will not take place in my Catholic home; they can do that when they get back to their house.
Thanks for the invite for the academic camp, but no thanks – not leaving my child in that atmosphere for three weeks. Of course, you probably want to phrase it a bit more gently. 🙂

And before they even arrive, I’d be making a phone call, letting them know the above, and also that we will not be attacked in our own home (again, more gently). I know you want to keep peace in the family, but you don’t have to let them treat you badly, and that’s what they’ve been doing.

Good luck!
 
27lw said:
Blue-eyed lady:
That is some great advice. Just not to discuss it. Also, the only reason the kids came to Mass on Easter morning, was because the kids basically begged to go (they had literally never been to any kind of church service). The parents did not come along. When they came home from church, the younger one said how much she loved it, that’s when the mom lectured her about how awful the church is. I basically think they allowed the kids to go to church was because the parents assumed their kids would hate it.
Thank you also livingwordunity - - I am taking your words to heart!
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You cannot be surprised to hear them teach their own values to their kids. If a relationship with them is going to work out, you can’t be upset that they allow TV shows for their kids that you don’t, or that they are teaching their children that your religion is wrong.

But at the same time, they need to be more firm in what they will and will not allow. What a dirty trick to send their kids to mass with you hoping they’d hate it. If their kids ever want to go to mass with you again, or if their parents ever want you to take them, you should insist that the parents come too. That way, there’s no misunderstanding about what the kids heard in church or who they heard it from.
 
If it were me I’d make a phone call and let them know you have plans Friday and Saturday, but inviting them for Sunday and Monday. That way you can go to Good Friday services and the Easter Vigil if you so choose. If your kids are too young for that late of a night, explain to relatives that you will not be home between 10-11:30 or whatever because your family will be at Mass.

If they still come for the visit (they may decide not!) at the first snide comment about your faith I would stop them and say “Please don’t say things like that. That’s not how we believe.”

It’s about time political correctness worked both ways!!!
 
DaddyGirl said:
Sounds like the liberal parents are just as concerned about your influence over their children as vice versa.

.
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That was my thought too. But the guests aren’t handling themselves appropriately. If I was visiting my MIL or BIL and they started talking to my kids about Catholicism, or if they took my kids to mass, I would absolutely pull my kids into another room to talk immediately. However, I would never, ever ask that they take my kids in the first place, because that’s just a cruel setup for the family, and a very confusing and unfair incident for the kids.
 
27lw said:
Hi all,
I am stressing out about some relatives that are coming to visit us for about 4 days over Easter weekend. They are anti-Catholic, super in favor of SSM, one relative harangued my husband about how awful Arizona is, and how bigoted and backwards Arizona’s attempted legislation is, etc.
They have given books to my kids that I consider to be unacceptable, and they are very permissive about what the media they allow their daughters to watch / listen to (Sex and the city movie, etc for 10 and 13 year olds). They have tried to pressure us to send our older daughter to go spend 3 weeks with them over the summer for a specialized academic camp.
They mainly come to visit us so that the cousins can spend time together, and know each other. I agree that’s a worthwhile goal. They come visit us at Easter because they get Good Friday and Easter Monday off, so it’s easy for them to visit, without having to take extra vacation days.
Help - it also makes it awkward for us to go to Good Friday liturgy, etc. because the relatives just think it’s another day off. We have taken the kids to Easter morning Mass is the past, just to hear the mom lecture her daughters about how awful the Catholic Church is (in another room). I’m just dreading this - - any advice?
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God first, God always. I would inform them that this is a Most Holy time in your household and not a good time for them to plan their vacation at your home. A motel would be a better choice for them, visit them at your convenience.
 
KrazyKat said:
God first, God always. I would inform them that this is a Most Holy time in your household and not a good time for them to plan their vacation at your home. A motel would be a better choice for them, visit them at your convenience.
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I was going to say the same thing, have them stay in a hotel and then visit with them at YOUR convenience during the weekend. Of course, inform them that you won’t be available very much with all the time you will be spending at Church, so it is up to them to decide if they want to visit over Easter weekend or not.
 
It seems to me that Easter has to be the singularly most inconvenient time to have anti-Catholic relatives around. I mean, I don’t know what the rest of y’all do, but we pretty much spend the entire weekend talking about Jesus and I’m really not sure if there’s anyway around it. Is there anyway this reunion could be rescheduled for another weekend? Maybe you could go visit them during the summer instead?
 
agnes_therese said:
To bring back a statement we usually hear when dealing with older children – your house, your rules.

A few things I would do, because some things are not negotiable, even for family –
My family and I would still go to our usual Triduum liturgies. The relatives can go out sightseeing, or stay home and watch TV, whatever.
I’d make it very clear that the anti-Catholic lectures will not take place in my Catholic home; they can do that when they get back to their house.
Thanks for the invite for the academic camp, but no thanks – not leaving my child in that atmosphere for three weeks. Of course, you probably want to phrase it a bit more gently. 🙂

And before they even arrive, I’d be making a phone call, letting them know the above, and also that we will not be attacked in our own home (again, more gently). I know you want to keep peace in the family, but you don’t have to let them treat you badly, and that’s what they’ve been doing.

Good luck!
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Definitely good advice here.
 
Could we have the same leftist relatives?
Our strategies are:
plan only short periods together
protest kindly but firmly behavior and messages we don’t like
protect our kids
remember Jesus–hate the sin, try to love sinner
I try to persuade them on only one or two issues a visit
The problem is they want to control–right or wrong is not their concern.
 
Eschator - - yes, it’s the fact that they come in and try to control things. We are not shoving religion down their throats. We say the table prayer before meals, we have a crucifix in our dining room, and Mary nightlights in the kids’ rooms. It’s not like our house is full of Catholic knick-knacks and stuff. We know that they don’t agree with our religion so we do not push it, nor have we ever given their children religious material, or chastised the parents for not baptising them, etc.
Our policy about Easter Mass was that everyone was invited and could be included, but no one was forced or expected to come with us.
They are so entrenched is the secular world, it’s just constantly there. (For instance, the kids were playing chess, and the younger daughter got out 2 queens and put them together on the board - - saying “look they’re lesbian queens” - - she would have been about 9 at the time).
I honestly don’t feel really comfortable staying in their home for these reasons, but they seem to have no problem coming in and bringing their worldview with them.
I will see if I can talk them into different accommodations.
On the other hand, if I can show their daughters something positive about a religious family, then I figure I may have done them some good, long-term. 🙂
 
Allegra said:

“It seems to me that Easter has to be the singularly most inconvenient time to have anti-Catholic relatives around.”

Amen to that.

Plus, one’s bound to be not at one’s best as a host while fasting on Good Friday.

Definitely don’t do this again
 
27lw, is it necessary that they visit? What I mean is, if they are not close (like your parents, in-laws, brothers, sisters, etc.), I would discourage any visits. It sounds to me from what you have written that they find you amusing and it also sounds as if they purposely say and/or do things to provoke and antagonize.

You don’t need this, and it sounds to me like they are disrespectful too. They are the guests. You don’t insult the people who are opening up their home to you.
 
27lw said:
They mainly come to visit us so that the cousins can spend time together, and know each other. I agree that’s a worthwhile goal. They come visit us at Easter because they get Good Friday and Easter Monday off, so it’s easy for them to visit, without having to take extra vacation days.

I’m just dreading this - - any advice?
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Yes, realize that it isn’t a worthwhile goal. 🤷

Yes, cousins can be great friends. But there is no reason to force the issue.

I would tell them that Easter weekend is a very busy time for you. And that it isn’t a good time for a visit.
 
27lw, I think you or your husband (whoever the closer relative is) should call the family to let them know that Easter weekend just won’t work out for a visit, but you would love to get together once school is over. I can’t imagine a bigger “downer” than having atheists in my home for Easter. They wouldn’t/couldn’t/won’t be able to celebrate or partake in the joy of the day. In terms of the academic camp, don’t expect that this family would make it a priority or maybe even a possibility for her to attend Mass.
 
Monicad said:

“I wouldn’t expect my Muslim friends to entertain me during Ramadan either it’s just common sense.”

Or your Jewish friends to wine and dine you on Yom Kippur.
 
I would discourage them from staying at your home. All of you need some privacy and some space. Four days of that tension must be just awful, so insist that they get a hotel. On the bright side it seems that you are probably planting some spiritual seeds for those poor children that will hopefully bloom at a later time in their lives. That is the best that you can hope for but please have boundaries and demand some respect about your faith. If they can’t be respectful to your home rules and faith and then your relationship will eventually blow up. Good luck.
 
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