Suspect online affair

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vojoe

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My wife had an online affair with a co-worker. They exchanged pictures of each other(my wife sent some scantily clad pics of herself). I found this out by getting into my wife’s work computer. I found her password and logged in without her knowing. Was this wrong on my part? If so, why?
 
Yes, it was wrong. It is a violation of her privacy. She (like all persons) has a right to expect some things to be off limits to others.
2489 Charity and respect for the truth should dictate the response to every request for information or communication. The good and safety of others, respect for privacy, and the common good are sufficient reasons for being silent about what ought not be known or for making use of a discreet language. The duty to avoid scandal often commands strict discretion. No one is bound to reveal the truth to someone who does not have the right to know it.283
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And having her password means you may have access to confidential information having to do with her job.
2491 Professional secrets - for example, those of political office holders, soldiers, physicians, and lawyers - or confidential information given under the seal of secrecy must be kept, save in exceptional cases where keeping the secret is bound to cause very grave harm to the one who confided it, to the one who received it or to a third party, and where the very grave harm can be avoided only by divulging the truth. Even if not confided under the seal of secrecy, private information prejudicial to another is not to be divulged without a grave and proportionate reason.
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Ask your confessor, who knows more than I. My opinion is that you need to inform your wife right away that her password is no longer a secret, and not bring up what you found out unless she brings it up first. (That’s how to make amends fo stealing her password.)

And pray for her. I will, right now.
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Amen. :crossrc:
 
vojoe said:
My wife had an online affair with a co-worker. They exchanged pictures of each other(my wife sent some scantily clad pics of herself). I found this out by getting into my wife’s work computer. I found her password and logged in without her knowing. Was this wrong on my part? If so, why?
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I dont think your wrong. You have the right as her husband to know whats going on but this is just my opinion. Ill keep you in my prayers
 
Why can’t he bring up what he found i.e/ the scantilly clad pictures? I certainly brought it up with my then husband about the sexual texts I found on his phone between him and a colleague.

Most people don’t go snooping unless they suspect something. Sure it is an invation of privacy, but he can confess that to his wife. But he can’t ignore what he found and should be discussing that with his wife.

It is not a marriage if there are secrets that pertain to possible or actual infidality. And online infidality can lead to more so it’s a discussion that needs to happen.

And I am glad I snooped with my ex. Otherwise I’d still be living with a man who still lied that he and these work colleagues were just friends. He gave me cause to suspect, I did some snooping and found evidence and I don’t feel guilty about snooping.
 
vojoe said:
My wife had an online affair with a co-worker. They exchanged pictures of each other(my wife sent some scantily clad pics of herself). I found this out by getting into my wife’s work computer. I found her password and logged in without her knowing. Was this wrong on my part? If so, why?
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Deal with your own sin later. Right now, you need to find out whether your wife had a physical affair as well as sending photos. I’d sit her down and discuss it ASAP.

BTW, why did you go on the computer in the first place? What were your suspicions?
 
Personally, I don’t feel like you would be helping your marriage by remaining silent about what you know. This could be a good opportunity for you and your wife to reconnect. I’m not condoning what she did in any way at all, but what is her state of mind and her thoughts about your marriage? She is drifting, obviously, but now would be a good time for her to come clean and for both of you to (hopefully) renew some bonds with a heart to heart or two. 🙂
 
Does anyone know if the Church has a teaching on this?
I lean towards the idea that “those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.”

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this, vojo, and I hope you and your wife are able to make amends. However, there is a chance this is not only online. It might be wise for you to get checked for STD’s.

Why did you decide to check her computer? Did something happen to make you suspicious?
 
I have no idea if or what Catholic teaching is on such a specific issue.

However, my personal feeling, as one who takes my faith seriously, has done a fair amount of reading of scripture, and writings of the saints, and has also been through the whole online affair business is that, in this sort of case, the spouse almost always has had reason to believe something is going on. They either have already tried asking straight out and discovered they’re not going to get a straight answer, or they know to begin with that they won’t.

When we’re talking about affairs, we’re talking about behavior that can lead to diseases, including AIDS. People have a right to know when they’re health, and possibly life, is at risk. Between spouses, for something as serious as health and life, I have no problem with one spouse looking in another’s e-mail.

I fully agree: those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I kept my e-mail wide open, all day long on the computer where my husband could have looked all day long. I wouldn’t have cared.
 
vojoe said:
My wife had an online affair with a co-worker. They exchanged pictures of each other(my wife sent some scantily clad pics of herself). I found this out by getting into my wife’s work computer. I found her password and logged in without her knowing. Was this wrong on my part? If so, why?
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You were wrong for catching her?

Clearly, something hasn’t been right in your relationship for you to suspect her to the point of feeling a need to get into her computer. I think you need to talk, and also to see a marriage counselor- ASAP.

I also think that your wife should find a different job ASAP. Nothing good can happen with her remaining where she is, with that co-worker.

Good luck.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Deal with your own sin later. Right now, you need to find out whether your wife had a physical affair as well as sending photos. I’d sit her down and discuss it ASAP.

BTW, why did you go on the computer in the first place? What were your suspicions?
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They had exchanged pics in the past. I found that out by a pic I found on her cell phone. Btw, our cell phones are open to the both of us. That was nearly 2 years ago. We did discuss it back then and she said she was sorry and said she would not do it again. However, this time, I just had a gut feeling something was going on. And this time the pics and the conversations were getting much more sexual.
 
How is looking on her computer any different than following her car to see if she goes to a motel to “meet” someone?
 
Yeah, I really don’t see the issue with looking at her computer. You become one flesh at marriage and that doesn’t leave room for his an hers “privacy”.
 
Lost_Sheep said:
I’m sure what is going on in the hotel room is something they would like to keep “confidential”.
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Oh, am sure it is. And don’t get me wrong. If someone is cheating, that is a problem.

But, the end does not justify the means.

He means were wrong. He in effect stole her password.
 
maryjk said:
Oh, am sure it is. And don’t get me wrong. If someone is cheating, that is a problem.

But, the end does not justify the means.

He means were wrong. He in effect stole her password.
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maryjk, I agree with you. The end does not justify the means. As a matter of fact, that was going to be the title of my post with a question mark. I think the best and hardest thing to do is to just talk it out with my wife. We have already discussed it and I did go to confession for logging on her computer.

Currently, for me, trust is the most difficult issue for me.
 
vojoe said:
My wife had an online affair with a co-worker. They exchanged pictures of each other(my wife sent some scantily clad pics of herself). I found this out by getting into my wife’s work computer. I found her password and logged in without her knowing. Was this wrong on my part? If so, why?
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I don’t think it was wrong because you had a suspicion and you were right. Also, how do you know it was only an online affair?
 
Lack of trust in a marriage is extremely damaging and can often be fatal to the marriage. It is something extremely difficult to rebuild.

In effect both spouses now have reasons to seriously mistrust each other. Once his wife finds out, it will be like nuclear fission, an explosive situation.

Moreover if the marriage reached the point of a virtual or real affair (IMHO they’re both equally bad), there were clearly issues beforehand.

The only hope at this point is good Catholic-friendly counseling.
 
People will have differing opinions, but mine is that when health and even life are at stake, this ends does justify this means. Absolutely no harm was done to any work information. He didn’t look at the work information. He looked strictly at the information that pertained to his marriage, his health, and his life.
 
holyrood said:
People will have differing opinions, but mine is that when health and even life are at stake, this ends does justify this means. Absolutely no harm was done to any work information. He didn’t look at the work information. He looked strictly at the information that pertained to his marriage, his health, and his life.
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The Catholic church has a different opinion.
 
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