Suspect online affair

[kyria]

The Catholic church has a different opinion.

Would you mind posting me the part of the catechism that states a spouse can’t check if his or her spouse is having an affair? Because all I can find is

Even if not confided under the seal of secrecy, private information prejudicial to another is not to be divulged without a grave and proportionate reason.

Well I think the OP has grave and proportionate reason.

Everyone should observe an appropriate reserve concerning persons’ private lives. Those in charge of communications should maintain a fair balance between the requirements of the common good and respect for individual rights.

Well the common good would be obtaining truth for the sake of the other spouse and the OP has individual rights as a husband that is wife remain faithful.

By your statement would that imply a person couldn’t even hire a private investigator if they thought their spouse was cheating?

When people cheat they risk catching a sexual transmitted disease and also could pass this onto their spouse and I know of two cases where this occured.

Not only that, a number of men have found out that the children they thought were theirs biologically were infact not due to the wife having an affair.

When your spouse is playing up, whether online or in person or both, privacy goes out the window as the need for truth and honesty needs to be established.

My work emails aren’t private. We’ve been informed that from time to time our employer will do checks as to content of our emails and internet behaviour to ensure we are following the work code of conduct. And in a marriage there is also a code of conduct expected. Spouses need to be faithful to one another. This man has already had issue with his wife texting inappropriately so he has had cause to suspect her again and his suspicions were confirmed. If he had no cause to suspect and he was going through her mail etc just because he felt he could that is a different matter.

And if her work stuff is confidential, then she is obligated, as I am, to ensure that no one has access to her password.

I feel some are twisting the Church’s stance on privacy here and putting the issue back onto the husband when infact it is his wife who is the guilty party. So if you or others think that the Church wouldn’t condone this husband from affirming his suspicians about his wife having an affair via checking out her computer, then please post something where this is clearly stated as being the teaching of the church.

 

[maryjk]

Would you mind posting me the part of the catechism that states a spouse can’t check if his or her spouse is having an affair?

Sorry, but the catechism doesn’t break things down like that. It also doesn’t say I shouldn’t kick my dog. But I know it is wrong.

Because all I can find is

Well I think the OP has grave and proportionate reason.

Best thing to do? Take it to your priest. He should be able to direct you as to whether or not there is grave and proportionate reason.

Well the common good would be obtaining truth for the sake of the other spouse and the OP has individual rights as a husband that is wife remain faithful.

By your statement would that imply a person couldn’t even hire a private investigator if they thought their spouse was cheating?

The problem is that the OP looked for and then used a hidden WORK password.

When people cheat they risk catching a sexual transmitted disease and also could pass this onto their spouse and I know of two cases where this occured.

Not only that, a number of men have found out that the children they thought were theirs biologically were infact not due to the wife having an affair.

When your spouse is playing up, whether online or in person or both, privacy goes out the window as the need for truth and honesty needs to be established.

I am sorry you or your friends have had problems. But that doesn’t justify someone breaking into a work computer and reading what they find.

My work emails aren’t private. We’ve been informed that from time to time our employer will do checks as to content of our emails and internet behaviour to ensure we are following the work code of conduct.

They aren’t private from your work!!! The fact that your employers can read your work emails, doesn’t mean they want those emails made public.

And in a marriage there is also a code of conduct expected. Spouses need to be faithful to one another. This man has already had issue with his wife texting inappropriately so he has had cause to suspect her again and his suspicions were confirmed. If he had no cause to suspect and he was going through her mail etc just because he felt he could that is a different matter.

And if her work stuff is confidential, then she is obligated, as I am, to ensure that no one has access to her password.

I feel some are twisting the Church’s stance on privacy here and putting the issue back onto the husband when infact it is his wife who is the guilty party. So if you or others think that the Church wouldn’t condone this husband from affirming his suspicians about his wife having an affair via checking out her computer, then please post something where this is clearly stated as being the teaching of the church.

Cheating is wrong. Period.

But searching out and using a work password is also wrong.

What if the OP hadn’t found signs of cheating. What if he searched out the password, used it and found out that his wife wasn’t doing anything wrong? Is he still off of the hook?

Kind of like the 4th amendment only applies to the innocent?

 

[Lost_Sheep]

My wife had an online affair with a co-worker. They exchanged pictures of each other(my wife sent some scantily clad pics of herself).

My work emails aren’t private. We’ve been informed that from time to time our employer will do checks as to content of our emails and internet behaviour to ensure we are following the work code of conduct.

I don’t what your wife’s employer’s policy is on email for personal use but I suspect that it’s just a matter of time before her employer audits their email system and finds your wife’s messages and pictures. Then she’ll probably be fired or terribly embarrassed or both.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

They had exchanged pics in the past. I found that out by a pic I found on her cell phone. Btw, our cell phones are open to the both of us. That was nearly 2 years ago. We did discuss it back then and she said she was sorry and said she would not do it again. However, this time, I just had a gut feeling something was going on. And this time the pics and the conversations were getting much more sexual.

You were smart to trust your gut. Have you talked to her yet? What if you request that she talk to your priest in your presence? I think you need to tell her what you know.

 

[vojoe]

You were smart to trust your gut. Have you talked to her yet? What if you request that she talk to your priest in your presence? I think you need to tell her what you know.

Yes, we have talked about it. She said she is very sorry and that she hates herself for doing that. She actually went to confession the other day for this.

I have told her I saw the pictures and conversations on her computer. She was a little upset that I was on her computer.

I’m not sure what her response would be about talking to a priest in my presence. I will probably ask her about that.

 

[proudnifi]

Legally it is not allowed to use someone else’s password without his/her permission. And if you two hadn’t established an environment where one could look in the other’s account that makes me think it’s wrong even apart from the legalities.

The ends don’t justify the means. However that doesn’t mean you guys should let this sidetrack you from the bigger and more critical issues. She might be tempted to try that. I wish you luck.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes, we have talked about it. She said she is very sorry and that she hates herself for doing that. She actually went to confession the other day for this.

I have told her I saw the pictures and conversations on her computer. She was a little upset that I was on her computer.

I’m not sure what her response would be about talking to a priest in my presence. I will probably ask her about that.

What about counseling? Does she see this as a pattern, now that there have been 2 separate events, both of which she was “sorry” for?

Your decision to look at her computer is separate from the actual actions that she has taken, not once but twice. This time you said it was more serious. What does she propose for the future?

 

[HopefulShepherd]

I guess snooping is probably wrong, but at the same time, your health could be at risk if your wife is having sexual relations with other men, and then having relations with you. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Nate13]

Would you mind posting me the part of the catechism that states a spouse can’t check if his or her spouse is having an affair? Because all I can find is

If the object of the act is evil in and of itself it cannot ever be justified. If the object of the action is not evil in and of itself then it is permissible to weigh the good vs. evil of acting vs not acting if avoiding some amount of evil is not possible either way.

1753 A good intention (for example, that of helping one’s neighbor) does not make behavior that is intrinsically disordered, such as lying and calumny, good or just. The end does not justify the means. Thus the condemnation of an innocent person cannot be justified as a legitimate means of saving the nation. On the other hand, an added bad intention (such as vainglory) makes an act evil that, in and of itself, can be good (such as almsgiving).39

1754 The circumstances, including the consequences, are secondary elements of a moral act. They contribute to increasing or diminishing the moral goodness or evil of human acts (for example, the amount of a theft). They can also diminish or increase the agent’s responsibility (such as acting out of a fear of death). Circumstances of themselves cannot change the moral quality of acts themselves; they can make neither good nor right an action that is in itself evil.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Vojoe,

No, you were not wrong – I know some will not like this but those that are saying that you did something wrong and should pretend that you do not know; have no idea what you are going through!

There was something that caused you to suspect something was wrong, you should talk to your wife before it goes too far – if it has not already. I know for a fact for I was in the same situation – but I discovered the truth too late. I got my ex-wife’s password and checked the e-mails she was sending back and forth to another married man.

The thing is you state that she did this on her phone 2 years ago, and it seems that it has not stopped. You need to confront her, to pretend that nothing is wrong is to allow the sin to continue – do not be and enabler.

I will pray that God grants you strength and peace.

Winter

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Vojoe,

I should also point out that when I confronted my ex about the e-mails and such she also cried and said she was sorry that she would break off all contact with him. Less than 2 weeks later she was logged in I asked to see her e-mails – since she changed her passwords. The inbox was empty the outgoing the same in the trash were several e-mails back and forth even after I found out the truth and she cried and told me she was sorry.

I am not saying that your wife is doing the same, but YOU are the victim here not her. Flat out do not feel guilty to wanting to be married to a faithful woman! Remember God’s Laws – Thou shall not covet they neighbors wife (spouse) and Thou shall not commit adultery! Jesus also states those same principles several times: Matthew 19:9.

Winter.

 

[Bill_7154]

Because there wouldn’t be confidential work data at the hotel.

I think your making way too much of the work confidential stuff. Unless she works for the cia or similar whatever confidental work stuff she has on there I’m fairly certain a husband or wife would care less about and pay no mind to. That is just incidental IMO. He went on there to find out about affair business and that’s what he found. I highly doubt he even read any work related stuff or cares to.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[BillP]

Deal with your own sin later.

I believe a pretty smart fellow once gave just the opposite advice:

*And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
*

 

[EasterJoy]

Whether the OP was wrong depends on what their mutual understanding has been concerning what is private and what is open and what the terms are by which one of them might read the private things of the other. What is “right” is whatever the couple has agreed on. What he should have done was to talk to his wife in advance about his concerns about how much of her contact with other men was entirely opaque to him and why that concerned him.

For instance, what if this husband had uncovered his wife having sought advice about a difficult problem that in all prudence she ought not share with him? You don’t go to your husband every time you are struggling with a crush on someone else. You don’t have full control over what tempts you, but it would hurt his feelings, all the same. There is a reason our spouses don’t get to sit in on our confessions, after all. Privacy has its legitimate place in the spiritual life. That, however, is water under the bridge now.

If you had only read that she was struggling with certain temptations that upset you but that she had done nothing wrong, or if you had found that she had wronged you and repented but on the advice of her spirtual director had not told you in order to spare you pain, you’d have been better off to let yourself take your own punishment privately, to resolve to be respectful in the future and to admit to your violation of her privacy if she ever confronted you about it, and to leave your wife alone about the matter, otherwise. (That would be a conversation to have with your own pastor or spiritual director.)

As it is, though, you not only uncovered actual wrong-doing–I don’t know anyone who thinks it OK to send revealing photographs to other people without their spouse’s knowledge–but uncovered wrong-doing that could eventually lead to the destruction of your marriage. As unfortunate as the circumstances are, I don’t see how you can address the problem and yet avoid disclosing what you know. Go to your priest and ask what to do, but fully expect that you are going to have to talk to your wife about what you found out. Do not make this decision without talking in depth about how to handle it with someone who has a pastoral office over you: your pastor or your spiritual director. Having heard the particulars of your case, he might think it best for you to keep your violation of your wife’s privacy private, and to address the problem in other ways, perhaps simply by convincing her to give you access to her electronic and internet communications in the future. That depends very much on the particulars of your situation. Arrange for proper spiritual support and guidance before you take this problem on. Do not go solo on this.

If you do tell her what you’ve done and what you know, she is almost certainly going to express anger–out of self-defense, if nothing else–but it is likely that you might as well come clean about what you did and what you found out. As a fellow sinner, you will do better not be accusatory about it, though, but rather to express a desire to improve your marriage. Tell her what prompted you to snoop in the first place, what you found, that it bothers you that she sent such revealing pictures of herself to another man (whether she meant anything by it or not), and then tell her you want to address your mutual problems without blaming anybody. Admit that you, too, have done wrong, and that perhaps this is evidence of problems that you also need to address in order to be a better husband.

I’d full expect that she might blow up about this, but there has been a mutual violation of trust here, and I don’t see how she could get around that. It could be a long haul to deal with this. Get your ducks in a row before you start. Making adjustments after the rocket has left the pad will not be easy. Get as much in place as possible before you take off.

 

[SamH]

Lack of trust in a marriage is extremely damaging and can often be fatal to the marriage. It is something extremely difficult to rebuild.

In effect both spouses now have reasons to seriously mistrust each other. Once his wife finds out, it will be like nuclear fission, an explosive situation.

Apparently he had good reason not to trust his wife. Do you call it trust or foolishness when you believe a lie?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes, we have talked about it. She said she is very sorry and that she hates herself for doing that. She actually went to confession the other day for this.

I have told her I saw the pictures and conversations on her computer. She was a little upset that I was on her computer.

I’m not sure what her response would be about talking to a priest in my presence. I will probably ask her about that.

Thought I would quote this post again, the OP said he has talked to his wife and she is repentant, but that does not mean that he has any obligation to trust her immediately.

I still recommend marriage counseling, as well as speaking to a priest.

 

[Mayita30]

Oh, am sure it is. And don’t get me wrong. If someone is cheating, that is a problem.

But, the end does not justify the means.

He means were wrong. He in effect stole her password.

WRONG !!! When you are married. You are one flesh ! There shouldn’t be any secrets. Facebook and email should be open to both parties.

 

[maryjk]

WRONG !!! When you are married. You are one flesh ! There shouldn’t be any secrets. Facebook and email should be open to both parties.

WRONG!!

Confidential information is still confidential information.

The OP didn’t look at his wife’s personal information. It wasn’t her Facebook page or personal email He looked at her confidential work information.

Now I have no idea what she does for a living, but if she did payroll and payroll information was on that computer and he looked at it, that would be cause for her to lose her job. If it was confidential client information, if she is an accountant or a lawyer, she again could lose her job.

He has no right to that information.

The OP’s wife was cheating. That is wrong. But that doesn’t give him the right to confidential work information.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

WRONG!!

Confidential information is still confidential information.

The OP didn’t look at his wife’s personal information. It wasn’t her Facebook page or personal email He looked at her confidential work information.

Now I have no idea what she does for a living, but if she did payroll and payroll information was on that computer and he looked at it, that would be cause for her to lose her job. If it was confidential client information, if she is an accountant or a lawyer, she again could lose her job.

He has no right to that information.

The OP’s wife was cheating. That is wrong. But that doesn’t give him the right to confidential work information.

I think you’re getting into the weeds here. He doesn’t give a rip about anything else on the computer. He is only interested in his wife cheating on him. Their marriage might be in the process of dissolving - do you think he should care more about what he did to get the information than the fact that his wife is cheating on him? He can go to confession for that. Confession ain’t gonna keep his marriage together when his wife is cheating on him. She’s done this twice already.

 

[Mayita30]

Maryjk, I think as what another poster said, it is one thing to be an honest person and another person to be a** fool**. He already has been fooled 2 years ago and I don’t think the OP went on her computer to check work information regarding money.

If you think something is wrong , it would be so stupid to turn a blind eye. He has every right to check what is going on because they are married.

I just suggest you stop blaming the OP because he is the victim here. He shouldnt feel guilty in any way.

If you were in his shoes, would you have just turned a blind eye and discard all the possibilities in saving your marriage? WOuld you tolerate such things and give all your trust despite the deceptions your spouse has made? If your answer is yes… then I could say you are a fool.