Suspicion of sexual dysfunction when discerning marriage

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bugz2007

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I asked this question in another poster’s thread, but I feel as if my hijacking of that thread may have left my questions to get lost in the shuffle.

I wanted to ask if it is “wrong” to enter into a marriage when it is a possibility that sexual dysfunction may be a reality of the marriage due to an individuals past experiences with sexual-type abuse? And if, once in the marriage, it did turn out to be a reality, would it be wrong to stay in the marriage, even without evidence that the condition would be a permanent one?
 
bugz2007 said:
I asked this question in another poster’s thread, but I feel as if my hijacking of that thread may have left my questions to get lost in the shuffle.

I wanted to ask if it is “wrong” to enter into a marriage when it is a possibility that sexual dysfunction may be a reality of the marriage due to an individuals past experiences with sexual-type abuse? And if, once in the marriage, it did turn out to be a reality, would it be wrong to stay in the marriage, even without evidence that the condition would be a permanent one?
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I’ll answer your questions with a question: Would it be prudent to enter into a marriage where the other person may have severe issues in the first place?

Also, you should not be looking for a get out of jail free card in a marriage. It would not be wrong to stay in said marriage.
 
I would not know for certain the answer to your question, either, and I am not looking for a get out of jail free card.

The man I am currently dating was raped by a woman 2 years ago. Condom use had become a matter of control for him after that experience. Now, as he and I discuss the possibility (and high likelihood) of our marriage in a few years, when we have had a chance to experience the difficulties his military career may present in our relationship (he begins his service with Officer Candidate School in a month), the concern has been brought up that he fears that conforming to the Catholic Church’s teachings on birth control may impede his ability, at least for a time, to consummate our marriage and participate fully in the marriage embrace. Because I am not willing to forsake Church teaching, I hope that this does not turn out to be true.

That area of control is possibly the only area of continued harm he may experience. Because there is no way of knowing, would it be wrong to enter into that union? I hope to marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him.
 
He needs therapy and I wouldn’t consider marriage until he has worked through his issues.

The “condom” issue seems to be really bizarre. I don’t see what that has to do with anything and why he would insist on one. I don’t see how that’s related to the assault. And, moreover, you sort of make it sound like he’s engaging in sex and using condoms now. Which, of course, means he’s (a) not impotent and (b) not being chaste.

I think it would be very imprudent to consider marriage with him until he can fully embrace all aspects of marriage. Marrying him knowing he has not dealt with the issue and just “hoping” for the best is a bad idea.
 
Even if he does seek counseling, there is no guarantee that he will be able to move past all of his psychological reservations. On the other hand, there is no guarantee that there will even ever be a problem once we get to that point.

He was raped without a condom. That woman stole his virginity, and in a relationship following the rape did, they did not abstain from sexual activity. He is not a virgin, but he’s re-devoted himself to purity and to viewing women as valued and not objects. In that relationship, he had sex to devalue the impact of his rape and he insisted upon a condom because it gave him a sense of control. I never said he was impotent; I know he is fully capable. The doubt lies in his being able to complete the act on the marriage night and potentially beyond.

I plan to not enter into a marriage with him until I can be assured that he has dealt with these issues. It would be imprudent of me, in my opinion, to not consider marriage a possibility and at the same time continue to be in relationship with him.

Do you suggest I abandon him because of his issues, and refuse to forgive his past misjudgments?

I may currently hope for the best, but I am not foolish enough to enter into a relationship with him with only my hope as a reassurance. Our marriage is not pending, and not to take place anytime in the immediate future.

I’m sorry; I feel very attacked, which may be my own fault for asking such a question. These are all things I intend to discuss with a priest prior to our being wed, as well. I was just curious as to what the good folks here thought on the matter.
 
Don’t abandon him! It wasn’t his fault that he was raped. You may be the glue that helps to hold him together. To be married, you do have to be open to children…but once he gets past his issue, he probably will be. You may be called to help get him over his issues and into heaven. He seems like a top-notch guy.

We are all on different paths and different stages of our spiritual growth and journey. You do NOT have to be a perfect Catholic to be married, or to be a spouse to another Catholic. God asks us just to love one another, be open to life, and to love Him in all things.

Many blessings to you!
 
He is open to children, and even as a non-Catholic (who is investigating the Catholic church), he understands the teachings against birth control, and he intends to allow me to raise our children Catholic, if not help me to raise them as such. He, too, hopes that this will not be an issue for us. But neither one of us has (or can really ever have) assurance that it will not be.
 
See? You may be called to bring him to the fullness of the faith!

As a non-cath, he doesn’t have to adhere to the teachings of the Church on birth control. His condom use would not be an issue.

Some people on these boards will burn you at the stake for considering marrying a non-catholic.

My mom was catholic, my dad and his family were not. No problems to report.

In fact, ALL of my Dad’s family, including him, are now Catholic! Even his sister and her family…they ALL converted.

God’s ways are a beautiful thing sometime! Pray, ask your priest, and don’t let people here that get judgemental sway you on your path.
 
bugz2007 said:
Even if he does seek counseling, there is no guarantee that he will be able to move past all of his psychological reservations. On the other hand, there is no guarantee that there will even ever be a problem once we get to that point.

He was raped without a condom. That woman stole his virginity, and in a relationship following the rape did, they did not abstain from sexual activity. He is not a virgin, but he’s re-devoted himself to purity and to viewing women as valued and not objects. In that relationship, he had sex to devalue the impact of his rape and he insisted upon a condom because it gave him a sense of control. I never said he was impotent; I know he is fully capable. The doubt lies in his being able to complete the act on the marriage night and potentially beyond.

I plan to not enter into a marriage with him until I can be assured that he has dealt with these issues. It would be imprudent of me, in my opinion, to not consider marriage a possibility and at the same time continue to be in relationship with him.

Do you suggest I abandon him because of his issues, and refuse to forgive his past misjudgments?

I may currently hope for the best, but I am not foolish enough to enter into a relationship with him with only my hope as a reassurance. Our marriage is not pending, and not to take place anytime in the immediate future.

I’m sorry; I feel very attacked, which may be my own fault for asking such a question. These are all things I intend to discuss with a priest prior to our being wed, as well. I was just curious as to what the good folks here thought on the matter.
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I’m sorry for your situation.

If I were you, I’d be a little suspicious of this story.

Maintaining a sexual relationship with the alleged rapist afterwards is, to me, not the sign of someone who has been raped.

Also, unless she drugged him, or otherwise assaulted him to render him defenseless (i.e. tied down) I don’t understand how this woman raped him. If he was the victim of such an assault, why didn’t he call the police? Or, at least, never see her again.

To me, something smells rotten. I would worry your boyfriend is making up a story to assuage his regret and guilt over this past relationship. I’d worry he has much deeper psychological problems.

Please insist he seek counselling. I’d put any relationship on hold.

God Bless, and I’ll say a prayer for you.
 
No no no no no. Relationship after rape was with a different girl.

And because people don’t understand how men can be raped by women is precisely why he wouldn’t report such.

I don’t know the gruesome details of the scenario, but isn’t all that really matters with a rape is that someone has sex with you when you really don’t want it? I can imagine that the way society tells a man that if a woman throws herself at him, that he should be grateful and take it, would have an impact.

Point being, he didn’t want it to happen, and it happened anyway (even if he “let it” happen). Regardless of whether it was technically a rape or not, it was an assault, an abuse, and a victimization for him. And that is what has caused him his struggles. And I believe him on that. You haven’t watched him break down as I have. Or watched him cower and hide at the memory as I have.

I wish people wouldn’t assume that just because he is a guy he should have had the strength and power of will to stop this from happening.
 
bugz2007 said:
No no no no no. Relationship after rape was with a different girl.

And because people don’t understand how men can be raped by women is precisely why he wouldn’t report such.

I don’t know the gruesome details of the scenario, but isn’t all that really matters with a rape is that someone has sex with you when you really don’t want it? I can imagine that the way society tells a man that if a woman throws herself at him, that he should be grateful and take it, would have an impact.

Point being, he didn’t want it to happen, and it happened anyway (even if he “let it” happen). Regardless of whether it was technically a rape or not, it was an assault, an abuse, and a victimization for him. And that is what has caused him his struggles. And I believe him on that. You haven’t watched him break down as I have. Or watched him cower and hide at the memory as I have.

I wish people wouldn’t assume that just because he is a guy he should have had the strength and power of will to stop this from happening.
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Sorry, I misunderstood.

My point still holds, especially since you say it may not have been an actual rape. It is important to make the distinction. Sex he regrets is WAAAY different from rape. If he is claiming rape, and it wasn’t, that’s a big red flag.

He has deep psychological problems which he needs to resolve before you consider being more than friends.

God Bless
 
Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut, bilop, and your prayers would be greatly appreciated, but I would ask that if you are to pray for me, you simply pray that God’s will be revealed to us and done in our relationship.
 
bilop said:
Sorry, I misunderstood.

My point still holds, especially since you say it may not have been an actual rape. It is important to make the distinction. Sex he regrets is WAAAY different from rape. If he is claiming rape, and it wasn’t, that’s a big red flag.

He has deep psychological problems which he needs to resolve before you consider being more than friends.

God Bless
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Have to agree with bilop here. Sounds like he has some things to resolve before things progress.

Just don’t leave him high and dry.
 
Considering my original question and the only issue I really wanted feedback on…the general consensus is that it would be wrong for me to marry him if the issue of abuse has not been dealt with, not necessarily in a moral sense, but in a sense of prudence?

But that if I go into the marriage with the knowledge of this being a possibility, it would not be a situation I should leave or use as a “get out of jail free” card?
 
bugz2007 said:
Considering my original question and the only issue I really wanted feedback on…the general consensus is that it would be wrong for me to marry him if the issue of abuse has not been dealt with, not necessarily in a moral sense, but in a sense of prudence?

But that if I go into the marriage with the knowledge of this being a possibility, it would not be a situation I should leave or use as a “get out of jail free” card?
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Correct on both counts, I believe.

When you say your vows, they should be free of all reservations or attachments (i.e. I will only stay marries to him if x happens or y doesn’t happen)
 
bugz2007 said:
Considering my original question and the only issue I really wanted feedback on…the general consensus is that it would be wrong for me to marry him if the issue of abuse has not been dealt with, not necessarily in a moral sense, but in a sense of prudence?

But that if I go into the marriage with the knowledge of this being a possibility, it would not be a situation I should leave or use as a “get out of jail free” card?
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I will pray for God’s will to be revealed to you, but remember the old chestnut “the Lord helps those that helps themselves”.

It is very hard to sort out the possibilities post marriage. Of course you should never intend to leave a marriage or have a ‘get out of jail free card’, but your intent can not foreclose the possibility that a marriage may be null from the beginning.

You have no way to know of his issues that exist at the time of marriage, but wouldn’t come up until later, and would render the marriage null. That’s why it’s so important to have him resolve his issues WAAAY before marriage is considered.

For example. Your boyfriend seems fine, says all the right things. You marry, everything is great, you discern to avoid pregnancy for one year using NFP. At the end of that year, your now husband refuses to have sex w/o a condom. He never really was open to children. You have grounds for a declaration of nullity.

God Bless, and praying again.
 
bugz2007 said:
No no no no no. Relationship after rape was with a different girl.

And because people don’t understand how men can be raped by women is precisely why he wouldn’t report such.

I don’t know the gruesome details of the scenario, but isn’t all that really matters with a rape is that someone has sex with you when you really don’t want it? I can imagine that the way society tells a man that if a woman throws herself at him, that he should be grateful and take it, would have an impact.

Point being, he didn’t want it to happen, and it happened anyway (even if he “let it” happen). Regardless of whether it was technically a rape or not, it was an assault, an abuse, and a victimization for him. And that is what has caused him his struggles. And I believe him on that. You haven’t watched him break down as I have. Or watched him cower and hide at the memory as I have.

I wish people wouldn’t assume that just because he is a guy he should have had the strength and power of will to stop this from happening.
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Glad to see you started a thread. I replied in the other thread to your question, then i saw this one.

Honestly, I don’t see how in the world a woman can force a man to have sex.

But either way, i agree with everyone who said you should marry with no reservations (on both your parts), and that means not until he has sorted out whatever issues he has concerning the consummation of your marriage and the Church teachings on marriage and sex (no ABC, etc.)
 
I regret ever starting this thread, and now that I have, I fear I will be unable to be an active member in this community because I feel as if people here are being judgmental of both myself and my dear one. I feel as if much of your advice was unsolicited, and I’ve felt like I was having to defend myself each step of the way.

I am not, and was not before posting this thread, intending to enter into a marriage without having reassurance that these issues of his have been confronted and dealt with. I would appreciate if no one else would give me any more unsolicited advice; my questions have been answered as best as I wish them to be.

I feel that, if you are interested, reading of this article may be beneficial to many of you.

malesurvivor.org/Reversal_of_Fortune.pdf

I pray that God might open your hearts to be more compassionate and less quick to judge others, because I know your intentions were in the right place, but I also know how much many of these responses have hurt me, and would most definitely hurt him.
 
bugz2007 said:
I regret ever starting this thread, and now that I have, I fear I will be unable to be an active member in this community because I feel as if people here are being judgmental of both myself and my dear one. I feel as if much of your advice was unsolicited, and I’ve felt like I was having to defend myself each step of the way.

I am not, and was not before posting this thread, intending to enter into a marriage without having reassurance that these issues of his have been confronted and dealt with. I would appreciate if no one else would give me any more unsolicited advice; my questions have been answered as best as I wish them to be.

I feel that, if you are interested, reading of this article may be beneficial to many of you.

malesurvivor.org/Reversal_of_Fortune.pdf

I pray that God might open your hearts to be more compassionate and less quick to judge others, because I know your intentions were in the right place, but I also know how much many of these responses have hurt me, and would most definitely hurt him.
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I am sure that everyone answered to the best of their ability, based on how much each person knows. I didn’t see any “judging” going on. You should probably speak to your priest about the issue, or ask your question in the AAA forum.
Best wishes, and prayers.
 
To clarify, I’m referring to any comments made about the rape situation.

God bless.
 
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