Suspicion of sexual dysfunction when discerning marriage

[Fidelia]

To clarify, I’m referring to any comments made about the rape situation.

God bless.

I am reading the essay you linked to right now. I am open to a better understanding of the situation.

 

[bilop]

To clarify, I’m referring to any comments made about the rape situation.

God bless.

I apologize if anything I said caused you grief.

I did read the paper.

I am only cautioning you to protect yourself.

For your sake, you need to understand what really happened to your boyfriend, perhaps in some sort of couples therapy. I recognize that something bad happened to him. I’m still sceptical on whether it was actually rape, and how that corresponds to his condom issue.

Before you get serious you need to know.

God Bless and good luck.

 

[bugz2007]

Thank you for your concern.

Please stop giving me advice.

 

[newbetx]

I regret ever starting this thread, and now that I have, I fear I will be unable to be an active member in this community because I feel as if people here are being judgmental of both myself and my dear one. I feel as if much of your advice was unsolicited, and I’ve felt like I was having to defend myself each step of the way.

I am truely sorry. Two things at work here. Some posters are less than kind. Second, typing words without entonation makes it harder to understand the context or the emotion. Please forgive those that are of the former and try to understand the later. Many here DO want to help.

I am not, and was not before posting this thread, intending to enter into a marriage without having reassurance that these issues of his have been confronted and dealt with. I would appreciate if no one else would give me any more unsolicited advice; my questions have been answered as best as I wish them to be.

Great. I think you have pointed that out many times. You sound like a good and caring woman.

I would like to give you one more unsolicited piece of advice you can take or not, but it may be able to help you and he.

Theology of the Body is about how a married couple should be relating to each other. I’m no psychologist and I’m not sure how he would take it given his grief. You might want to discuss it with a therapist. But it might give him a basis to go forward with. This is the way we are to treat our spouses. It explains a lot of the “whys” behind the do and don’ts. We forget the “do’s” sometimes. Check out some of Christopher West’s work. I offer it as a way to help.

I pray that God might open your hearts to be more compassionate and less quick to judge others,

I’ll pray with you.

 

[bugz2007]

Thank you newbetx. I actually have some of Christopher West’s work on request at the local library. I am a fan of his, as well as Papa John Paul II. At the very least, I hope that my understanding of how I am to be treated and how to treat him will aid me in guiding his treatment of me.

 

[newbetx]

Thank you newbetx. I actually have some of Christopher West’s work on request at the local library. I am a fan of his, as well as Papa John Paul II. At the very least, I hope that my understanding of how I am to be treated and how to treat him will aid me in guiding his treatment of me.

Great! I know it helped me to understand my past, my misconceptions (pun intended) and my failings. It became the basis by which I continue to explore my chosen faith.

There are some free or cheap audio files if they could be helpful.

Peace to you! May God grant you the strength you require and the love you deserve.

 

[otjm]

I have hurried through the post, so if I am off-base, please forgive me.

He says he was raped by a woman. From the posting, it sounds as if he then had a continuing sexual relationship with her.

While I do not say that a man cannot be raped by a woman, I would be somewhere between very cautious and extremely so, in accepting that it was rape. It sounds much more like she was the leader, and he is using the term “rape” to justify or excuse his participation in sex.

In short, he sounds much more like a drama queen than a victim. That may come across as a bit harsh, but I smell a rat in this story. I could be wrong - we are presented with second hand testimony, out of context and without inflections. But that’s the way this one reads.

I think I would drop way, way back about any intentions of marrying this guy until a whole lot got sorted out, and the issue of rape is only part of it. STD’s? Sorry, but that comes to mind almost immediately; he wouldn’t be the first guy to lie about having (or not having) them. And that would lead to the use of condoms…

 

[whatevergirl]

Considering my original question and the only issue I really wanted feedback on…the general consensus is that it would be wrong for me to marry him if the issue of abuse has not been dealt with, not necessarily in a moral sense, but in a sense of prudence?

But that if I go into the marriage with the knowledge of this being a possibility, it would not be a situation I should leave or use as a “get out of jail free” card?

Hi bug;

I think counseling would be good for this man, before you get serious with him. He revealed all of this to you and that is a good thing. People are not required to convey the details of their past, but the fact that he was open about it, shows that there is hope of him healing. Not talking about painful experiences, can manifest themselves in different ways. But, I would have him seek counseling…as a friend, you could attend with him for support. But, I would hesitate to jump into a serious thing with someone who hasn’t healed from a traumatic sexual experience. Perhaps he feels tremendous guilt or shame, from having sex when he didn’t want to…perhaps he was emotionally and mentally raped. Sexual intercourse really can’t take place if a man isn’t ‘ready.’ So, I’m seeing this as more of him feeling guity and ashamed for not waiting for marriage to have sex, perhaps. (I’m guessing) I would get him to seek counseling, and pray that God helps you both to discern if you belong together. Good luck.

 

[bugz2007]

Thank you for all your advice. I’ll keep all this in mind from now on.

That said, I would like this thread CLOSED in order to prevent any more unwanted advice to be given. There is no discussion in this thread anymore, just more advice I don’t want.

God bless