Suspicions about my Wife... What to do?

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justinam

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Hi, I’ll try to keep this as short as possible, but I have a very beautiful wife and 3 kids with her. We got married in vegas in 2005 and married in the church in 2012. She is a cradle catholic from Mexico and I am a former Protestant (Calvary Chapel) baptized catholic as a baby, and fully converted in 2012.

Here is the background. About 3-4 years ago we went through a situation which turned out she was secretly talking to another guy hiding his number as a women’s name on her phone until i secretly called that number and confirmed it was a man. I had caught her sending photos in underwear to this number, and witnessed dirty texts between them. This had been going on for at least 6 months if not longer, as i always noticed the woman’s name in her texts but never gave it any thought until one day she accidentaly sent me at text meant for him and mentioned his name in the text saying that she cares for him. Needless to say i confronted her on that, she eventually came clean and admitted she was talking with another guy but swore it was just for fun, that nothing physical happened between them. Turns out he was a coworker and soon after i confronted her about him and she tried to end it with him, he became obsessive and and started to get violent and my wife’s work friends witnessed him and she reported him to HR for sexual harassment and he lost his job. She changed her phone number, I forgave her and we moved on, and he was out of our lives. At least i hope he still is…

Recently i noticed more suspicious activity coming from my wife, texting non stop for hours and ignoring whats going on around her, then when i check her phone all texts are deleted. A couple weeks ago i did catch her conversation with her BFF and noticed she asked my wife if she had heard from “A” which is a code word for the former guy (i witnessed their texts referencing this guy as “A” before). And my wife responded that she might try to escape with “another code name”. Both code names easily match the name of the guy she used to talk to. I am in a very confused state right now she has been deleting certain facebook messages from her phone, while leaving others, long phone conversations with a phone number i don’t know and wanting to go out more often with “Friends” almost every weekend now. My mind is just overwhelmed with suspicions that she is talking, maybe seeing another man, and maybe the same man i caught her with before!

So what i am looking for is some Godly advice. How should i play this? Do i stay quiet and keep observing her behavior and compile evidence? Should i even be spending my time investigating everything? I feel soo bad and obsessed when i see her phone alone, i feel like i’m bringing my own pain upon myself. Should i just ignore it if she’s keeping me happy? The thing is she makes me happy in every other way, she cooks, cleans, is a great mother, great lover, and tells me she loves me and does romantic things for me, so it makes me so confused if she really does love me but is struggling with temptation with infedelity, or could she be faking her love for me to keep me happy so she can do her thing. I am SO confused and would love any feedback you can give me.

Thank you.
 
Frankly, I’d find some real-life people to confide in, preferably a priest. You have my prayers.
 
You should probably speak to a priest or marriage counselor. I don’t think ignoring is a good idea, but at the very least, it sounds like she spends way too much time on her phone.
 
Yep, you won’t find any true satisfaction from the 'net. You’ll get good advice and bad advice and won’t know which way to go. Go to your priest and explain what’s going on and seek his advice. There’s no point in going further with it on on the Internet.
 
See your priest. Thats why they get those big priest bucks!

Seriously, I’ll pray for you, but seek help in the real world, not online.
 
How should i play this? Do i stay quiet and keep observing her behavior and compile evidence? Should i even be spending my time investigating everything?
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Promptly seek a priest’s advice, yes. This is always sound advice.

Trust your instincts. If it walks like a duck, smells like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is… a duck.

After speaking with a priest, you may need to seek the advice of an attorney. You are, unfortunately, at a crossroads with some very serious decisions to make.

If it were me, I would probably confront the issue directly, and promptly. I wouldn’t waste any time, and ask for her to come clean with the truth. If she refuses to acknowledge, or makes denials, you need to present your evidence. You will still need to speak to a priest … and potentially an attorney.

You need to protect yourself. If she is sleeping with another man, it could be a serious health threat to you personally. You really don’t want to catch a life-threatening disease.

Counseling may be in order. Ideally, if you can convince your wife to meet with you and a priest in-person, that would be ideal. If she has done this in the past, she is apt to repeat her behavior in the future without spiritual counseling from a priest

Prayers to you and your family.
 
You should be in marriage counselling with your wife, so you can talk with her about how her secretive behavior affects you and she can talk with you frankly with someone to help you each handle the emotional intensity of these conversations and keep on track with what to do that is constructive and realistic. I agree with the posters who suggest talking this possibility over with your pastor, so you can talk to someone who can see your eyes and discuss your situation in complete confidence, but I expect he’ll suggest the same.
 
As much as I agree with talking to a priest and real live people, since you came here for advice, here is mine.

I would just flat out tell her that her behavior is reminding you about the incident from 3-4 years ago and you just can’t help but think she is cheating on you again. If she denies it, tell her that since she did it before, you have good reason to be concerned and she should alleviate your fears by agreeing to setting a limit on her phone usage and deleting her messages. This is something the 2 of you agree on. If she refuses to set limits on her phone usage, remind her that you were the big person for forgiving her in the past and it is now her turn to be the bigger person and take action so you can trust her.

If that does not work, then perhaps an attorney would not be such a bad idea

Also, if she is cheating on you, I certainly hope it is not with the same guy who got violent with her. The fact that she got him fired and he still is willing to be around her is really creepy

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
As much as I agree with talking to a priest and real live people, since you came here for advice, here is mine.

I would just flat out tell her that her behavior is reminding you about the incident from 3-4 years ago and you just can’t help but think she is cheating on you again. If she denies it, tell her that since she did it before, you have good reason to be concerned and she should alleviate your fears by agreeing to setting a limit on her phone usage and deleting her messages. This is something the 2 of you agree on. If she refuses to set limits on her phone usage, remind her that you were the big person for forgiving her in the past and it is now her turn to be the bigger person and take action so you can trust her.

If that does not work, then perhaps an attorney would not be such a bad idea

Also, if she is cheating on you, I certainly hope it is not with the same guy who got violent with her. The fact that she got him fired and he still is willing to be around her is really creepy

Angie
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I would consult with an attorney, too, concerning what to do and not to in order to protect parental rights.
 
I guess it’s pretty unanimous. Get offline and go see the priest.
See if she will meet with him as well.
 
justinam said:
Hi, I’ll try to keep this as short as possible, but I have a very beautiful wife and 3 kids with her. We got married in vegas in 2005 and married in the church in 2012. She is a cradle catholic from Mexico and I am a former Protestant (Calvary Chapel) baptized catholic as a baby, and fully converted in 2012.

Here is the background. About 3-4 years ago we went through a situation which turned out she was secretly talking to another guy hiding his number as a women’s name on her phone until i secretly called that number and confirmed it was a man. I had caught her sending photos in underwear to this number, and witnessed dirty texts between them. This had been going on for at least 6 months if not longer, as i always noticed the woman’s name in her texts but never gave it any thought until one day she accidentaly sent me at text meant for him and mentioned his name in the text saying that she cares for him. Needless to say i confronted her on that, she eventually came clean and admitted she was talking with another guy but swore it was just for fun, that nothing physical happened between them. Turns out he was a coworker and soon after i confronted her about him and she tried to end it with him, he became obsessive and and started to get violent and my wife’s work friends witnessed him and she reported him to HR for sexual harassment and he lost his job. She changed her phone number, I forgave her and we moved on, and he was out of our lives. At least i hope he still is…

Recently i noticed more suspicious activity coming from my wife, texting non stop for hours and ignoring whats going on around her, then when i check her phone all texts are deleted. A couple weeks ago i did catch her conversation with her BFF and noticed she asked my wife if she had heard from “A” which is a code word for the former guy (i witnessed their texts referencing this guy as “A” before). And my wife responded that she might try to escape with “another code name”. Both code names easily match the name of the guy she used to talk to. I am in a very confused state right now she has been deleting certain facebook messages from her phone, while leaving others, long phone conversations with a phone number i don’t know and wanting to go out more often with “Friends” almost every weekend now. My mind is just overwhelmed with suspicions that she is talking, maybe seeing another man, and maybe the same man i caught her with before!

So what i am looking for is some Godly advice. How should i play this? Do i stay quiet and keep observing her behavior and compile evidence? Should i even be spending my time investigating everything? I feel soo bad and obsessed when i see her phone alone, i feel like i’m bringing my own pain upon myself. Should i just ignore it if she’s keeping me happy? The thing is she makes me happy in every other way, she cooks, cleans, is a great mother, great lover, and tells me she loves me and does romantic things for me, so it makes me so confused if she really does love me but is struggling with temptation with infedelity, or could she be faking her love for me to keep me happy so she can do her thing. I am SO confused and would love any feedback you can give me.

Thank you.
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Marriage counseling is an option, since trust has been broken, infidelity issues. If she won’t go, then individual counseling, since you might be able to work this out with someone objective who has experience with these matters.

Most priests I’ve known have been overextended, not in a position to be there like a marriage counselor would be.

Just my :twocents:
 
Praying for you, your wife, children & your marriage. Speak to a Priest.
 
Im just curious,on what basis was the marriage built on in the first place?

Ie:How well did you know her character and morals prior to marriage?
Did you marry her because your knew she had good character or was it more because you were impressed by her physical looks?

I don’t think investigating and compiling obsessively etc is a good idea as it will just make you come off as a possesive person.
Then she might even use that as “her excuse” for looking elsewhere which of course is not justifiable.
 
Anglewannabe said:
As much as I agree with talking to a priest and real live people, since you came here for advice, here is mine.

I would just flat out tell her that her behavior is reminding you about the incident from 3-4 years ago and you just can’t help but think she is cheating on you again. If she denies it, tell her that since she did it before, you have good reason to be concerned and she should alleviate your fears by agreeing to setting a limit on her phone usage and deleting her messages. This is something the 2 of you agree on. If she refuses to set limits on her phone usage, remind her that you were the big person for forgiving her in the past and it is now her turn to be the bigger person and take action so you can trust her.

If that does not work, then perhaps an attorney would not be such a bad idea

Also, if she is cheating on you, I certainly hope it is not with the same guy who got violent with her. The fact that she got him fired and he still is willing to be around her is really creepy

Angie
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I agree with Angie, except I think that there must be more than mere time limits. You’re married–you both have the right to know who the other is communicating with. There should be no secrets. Your wife may accuse you of not trusting her, not forgiving her, being crazy, being a control freak, etc. However, you should give each other the passwords to each other’s emails and facebooks, and not delete anything. If there are temptation issues, you can be each other’s accountability partners.
 
Elena321 said:
Im just curious,on what basis was the marriage built on in the first place?

Ie:How well did you know her character and morals prior to marriage?
Did you marry her because your knew she had good character or was it more because you were impressed by her physical looks?

I don’t think investigating and compiling obsessively etc is a good idea as it will just make you come off as a possesive person.
Then she might even use that as “her excuse” for looking elsewhere which of course is not justifiable.
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Let us be clear: people who have never committed an infidelity in their life can fall into an infatuation, particularly if it is with someone who is very charming and talented at flattery. Once the infatuation is in place, the foundation is set for deception and, practically speaking, all the falsehoods that addicts are prone to commit in order to get their “fix.” People will instead fall into the deceptions of the Devil, “well, I am not normally a deceptive person, BUT…” and then give all sorts of rationalizations for why infidelity is OK this time and the cheated-on spouse “practically deserves it.”

That is almost the worst of it. In the process of rationalizing cheating, a cheating spouse will often get into the mental habit of denigrating the cheated-on spouse, in order to quiet their guilty conscience. When there has been cheating, the relationship needs to be re-built, no matter how forgiving and how sorry either part is about how it happened.
 
justinam said:
Should i just ignore it if she’s keeping me happy? The thing is she makes me happy in every other way, she cooks, cleans, is a great mother, …
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My opinion is to ignore it since she is a great mother. Unfortunately, I was told that a lot of American women won’t cook, they won’t clean and they are lousy mothers. Some, for example, allow their teenagers to grow Mary Jane in the back yard. Actually, I did see this particular case.
 
Tomdstone said:
My opinion is to ignore it since she is a great mother. Unfortunately, I was told that a lot of American women won’t cook, they won’t clean and they are lousy mothers. Some, for example, allow their teenagers to grow Mary Jane in the back yard. Actually, I did see this particular case.
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And the people whose opinion you quote know all the American women then?
And you are satisfied to have your opinions dependent on some generalizations you are ‘told’
It’s lazy to believe stereotyping of people.
Other nations could probably stereotype your people on the basis of prejudice and a small handful of people’s behavior.
This is sloppy thinking, and it is also insulting to the many good American wives and mothers in this Forum, most of whom are Americans.
And is she that great a mother if she gives immoral example to her children, who will in time know of her immoral behavior, if the past, and the present suspicions are correct? If his wife is so selfishly betraying God in adultery of heart and act, this strikes at the heart of their spiritual welfare, their eternal souls. If she is betraying her husband she is also betraying her children,
The OP can’t ignore it. Could you ignore betrayal and lies in your spouse.
Advice has been given that could be helpful in the real world.
 
TriciaF said:
And the people whose opinion you quote know all the American women then?
And you are satisfied to have your opinions dependent on some generalizations you are ‘told’
It’s lazy to believe stereotyping of people.
Other nations could probably stereotype your people on the basis of prejudice and a small handful of people’s behavior.
This is sloppy thinking, and it is also insulting to the many good American wives and mothers in this Forum, most of whom are Americans.
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Definitely, you are right. There are so many wonderful wives and mothers out there, but as you know the divorce rate is already quite high, and there are some women and wives with problems. My only comment, was that since his wife is a great mother, a great cook, and a great cleaner of the house, IMHO, it might be best to ignore her phone calls for a while.
 
Tomdstone said:
Definitely, you are right. There are so many wonderful wives and mothers out there, but as you know the divorce rate is already quite high, and there are some women and wives with problems. My only comment, was that since his wife is a great mother, a great cook, and a great cleaner of the house, IMHO, it might be best to ignore her phone calls for a while.
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That takes care of their bodies and physical surroundings. She also has a responsibility to their souls, to give good example, and she has a responsibility to God and her husband to honor her Baptism and her Sacramental Marriage. If a selfish, deceitful betrayer, she is witnessing such behavior to her children, and sooner or later they will discover it. So Mom, the most important woman in their life, the one who should witness good mothering, good household skills, yes, but also how to live her motherhood in a way that is obedient to God, and which leads to eternal blessedness.

You perhaps do not understand the torment the husband/ a betrayed spouse feels, every day. Hopefully you will never find out through your own experience, and if you do, that you actually find you can simply ignore it. Anyway, yes the husband does need to seek practical advice and seek practical answers, we can’t actually help him, although we can pray for all concerned.
God’s blessings to you!
 
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