Suspicious of Traveling husband :(

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movingmom

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Little backround, I am a stay at home mom for the last 10 years (3 kids). My husband travels frequently as part of his job. I have always had my insecurities about him traveling, me staying home doing the everyday stuff. His life = glamour, mine = mundane. He has told me that it is no picnic traveling, being away from his family and I believe it - sort of.
Yesterday he didn‘t call me, email, inquire about the kids (who had a huge awards ceremony at school and parent/teacher conferences) for over 24 hours. I called him approx 3 times to let him know how the kids did. Finally at about 6:00pm I got a creepy call from someone from the “cable company.” I got weirded out and really needed to talk to him - no answer. Finally he calls at 9:30 like there‘s no big deal. I ask if he‘s hurt/in the hospital before I lay into him about being irresponsible, what if the kids are hurt and I couldn‘t reach him etc. He says his phone and blackberry (which, I am not kidding are vitual extensions of his body) were both left in the rental car most of the day. I found this incredible hard to believe, he did not contact ANYONE for 24 hours, not me, not work, nobody? He literally does not go anywhere without his phone. I asked him if I was supposed to believe this and he said he didn‘t have to put up with listening to me and hung up.
He spends most week days away from the house. He has his own work laptop, phone, expense account. He does the bills for our home. I would have no idea if takes out money and where it goes. On the flip side, when his is home he is always accounted for. He doesn‘t go outside to use the phone, he doesn‘t text much, I do all of the wash, he goes to Mass with me and loves his kids. However, when he works from the office (about 45 minutes from here) he comes home most nights at about 8:00 and some nights much later after business dinners. I have always trusted him and let him have free reign concerning his hours.
Am I missing something? Is he just the workaholic I think he is or is there something going on? I have no money of my own to speak of, I have no access to his phone or computer. Should I just let this go? He is flying home tonight, he is supposed to go to Mass with us this evening. Any advice and prayers would be greatly appeciated!
 
I think you need some individual counseling and some couples counseling. You are not communicating effectively.

Here’s my 2 cents:

I think you have a distorted view of what traveling for your job is like and entails. I travel frequently for my job-- I’m sitting here in the corporate apartment right now. And, it’s not glamorous, it’s drudgery.

Secondly, you are exhibiting paranoid and insecure behaviors that are likely driving him crazy. Calling him repeatedly at work? I don’t know what his job is, but if he has frequent trips and business dinners is it a higher level manager job or sales? If so, he’s very busy at work. I am often busy when I’m on the road. DH and I talk every night-- we set up a time together and I call him or he calls me-- unless I have something late or he has a meeting back home in the evening.

I don’t think it’s really the travel-- you seem dissatisfied with your life and with his job. You need to get involved in the finances of the household. Why would you abdicate this and know absolutely nothing about your family finances? That’s crazy!

I think you need to discuss together what is most important to you and how you communicate with each other.
 
I guess I am a little paraniod having three kids under the age of 10 and not being able to contact my husband (at all) for 24 hours. And letting him know that one of his children won the academic award, for the enitre school, was not in my opinion, pestering him at work. Believe it or not, I am a very grounded and well educated individual, whom before kids, did travel for a living. So I do know there is some drudgery. However, not calling to check on the kids, even to say congrats to the eldest is quite negligent, IMO. Yes, I think counseling would be good to open communications, but not to lay blame on me for a MIA husband. 👍 I was simply wondering if anyone else thought his behavior was a little suspect.
 
movingmom said:
I guess I am a little paraniod having three kids under the age of 10 and not being able to contact my husband (at all) for 24 hours. And letting him know that one of his children won the academic award, for the enitre school, was not in my opinion, pestering him at work.
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No, letting him know your child won an award is not pestering-- but then calling again and again when you didn’t get him the first time and asking him if he was in the hospital was a little excessive, IMHO. I just want to add that not knowing your DH it’s hard to really say if he’s suspicious or not. It doesn’t seem that way to me. But, really, you two sitting down and talking is the first step.

And, do get involved with the household finances, bank accounts, and how much money comes in and goes out.
movingmom said:
Believe it or not, I am a very grounded and well educated individual, whom before kids, did travel for a living. So I do know there is some drudgery. However, not calling to check on the kids, even to say congrats to the eldest is quite negligent, IMO.
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Yes, it could be viewed that way. I don’t know the full circumstances and I’m not defending his lack of calling at all, but to immediately jump to the conclusions you are is quite out of proportion for a one-time incident. I wouldn’t even call it an incident.
movingmom said:
Yes, I think counseling would be good to open communications, but not to lay blame on me for a MIA husband. 👍 I was simply wondering if anyone else thought his behavior was a little suspect.
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I don’t think it’s suspect.

And, no one is laying blame on you.
 
do you have an open line of communication right now or have things been strained? maybe after you put the kids to bed tonight you guys need to talk straight. tell him you got really nervous when you didn’t hear from him for 24 hrs and then when you finally did, and you questioned him, why did he hang up on you. too much speculation makes the mind think crazy things.
 
After thinking a little be longer about this… I had to post again.

What concerns me greatly is that you clearly have suspicions and instead of communicating your concerns to him you are on this message board asking us-- complete strangers who don’t know either of you-- if we think he’s suspicious. It seems you are seeking out confirmation/affirmation.

But, the responses you get here will be nothing but speculation-- me included. We all bring our own experiences to this board. I am not suspicious of my DH nor he of me. When I travel sometimes i get really busy, tied up, had my cell phone charger die on me on one trip leaving me phoneless for 2 days, and many other things that just come up.

Someone else will likely respond that he is very suspicious and you should leave him immediately-- this will be someone who has had infidelity in their past or an abusive spouse, probably someone who’s been divorced.

Don’t make up stories in your head. Don’t try to validate your suspicions here, or to have them aleviated here either. I could be wrong and he could have something to hide. Or another poster could be wrong and he has nothing to hide.

Speculating is quite useless and will only make your more suspicious and more anxious.

So, discuss with DH your concerns and how you feel currently about your marriage-- then make a plan together to change things.
 
I guess being a woman, with kids, I just can’t imagine a valid reason why someone would be “out of touch” with the family for a length of time. We are normally relatively communicative and this seemed out of the ordinary to me. When I questioned him regarding his actions he shut down - so I got a little suspicious. Also, I really am not looking for validation, I was more looking for some prayful advice to ease my fears. (thank you choochoo). This forum offers a way to ask questions of people, strangers yes, without having to air dirty laundry with relatives or friends. If I had brought these issues to my friends I fear they woud not look at my husband in the same light.
 
movingmom said:
If I had brought these issues to my friends I fear they woud not look at my husband in the same light.
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No, I agree, you should never discuss your spouse with family or friends.

I hope you will discuss it with him and find both resolution and peace. Sounds like you have never said anything about his travel or schedule bothering you. If it really does bother you, perhaps this is accumulated frustration on your part is sensed by him and it’s coming out in ways that make him sharp with you.

I just think you two need to air it all out. If you dislike his working hours and traveling you need to say so.
 
1ke said:
I think you need some individual counseling and some couples counseling. You are not communicating effectively.

Here’s my 2 cents:

I think you have a distorted view of what traveling for your job is like and entails. I travel frequently for my job-- I’m sitting here in the corporate apartment right now. And, it’s not glamorous, it’s drudgery.

Secondly, you are exhibiting paranoid and insecure behaviors that are likely driving him crazy. Calling him repeatedly at work? I don’t know what his job is, but if he has frequent trips and business dinners is it a higher level manager job or sales? If so, he’s very busy at work. I am often busy when I’m on the road. DH and I talk every night-- we set up a time together and I call him or he calls me-- unless I have something late or he has a meeting back home in the evening.

I don’t think it’s really the travel-- you seem dissatisfied with your life and with his job. You need to get involved in the finances of the household. Why would you abdicate this and know absolutely nothing about your family finances? That’s crazy!

I think you need to discuss together what is most important to you and how you communicate with each other.
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I tend to agree with 1ke in the fact that you seem to be a bit discontent with your everyday life. And you might also wish your husband had a job, that was a bit more close to home, and that he didn’t need to travel so much. We all go through spurts (I do) where you question where you are in life, what is God’s will for my life…life seems a bit mundane, etc…I woud also incorporate your thoughts on your life and his job, into a near future discussion. I wish you luck, and I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
movingmom said:
I guess being a woman, with kids, I just can’t imagine a valid reason why someone would be “out of touch” with the family for a length of time. We are normally relatively communicative and this seemed out of the ordinary to me. When I questioned him regarding his actions he shut down - so I got a little suspicious. Also, I really am not looking for validation, I was more looking for some prayful advice to ease my fears. (thank you choochoo). This forum offers a way to ask questions of people, strangers yes, without having to air dirty laundry with relatives or friends. If I had brought these issues to my friends I fear they woud not look at my husband in the same light.
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I do think that it’s not unreasonable to feel the way you’re feeling. They are your feelings, no one else’s…and you know your husband inside and out…so if this is not ordinary, then, you should discuss it with him. If you let it go, it will fester. I know when my dh and I have left things alone, when we should have at least talked for a few minutes about something, inevitably, the problem came back. When my husband or I have had to travel, my husband more so than me with my job, we have agreed upon times that we would talk…and we would say…if you don’t hear from me by…such and such, it’s because I am in a meeting, or whatever. At least we wouldn’t worry. You can just broach the subject calmly, by saying that you were worried, is everything ok with you and he…I don’t want to be a paranoid wife, but this is how I feel, etc…and see how he reacts.

May I ask what you mean by ‘he shut down?’
 
I do some traveling and have lunch and dinner with others who travel too. A couple of things come to mind.
  1. If your husband is a Sane, rational person, and even half way catholic guy, their is practically no way he would turn from a sweet, loving, giving and rational wifey.
  2. If the wife has a me vs. you mentality, is fussy, crabby, always railing at the husband type and looking for things to condemn & complain about the husband. This is not someone he would rejoice in being around. As well, tries to use sex as a weapon against the marriage and husband. Then the wife could be in trouble.
The vast majority of times, when you dig deep to find the root cause, an affair is the result of many problems, not the start.

Originally Posted by Proverbs 31:10-12
A good wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.

Originally Posted by Proverbs 31:26
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Originally Posted by Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
 
TIME said:
I do some traveling and have lunch and dinner with others who travel too. A couple of things come to mind.
  1. If your husband is a Sane, rational person, and even half way catholic guy, their is practically no way he would turn from a sweet, loving, giving and rational wifey.
  2. If the wife has a me vs. you mentality, is fussy, crabby, always railing at the husband type and looking for things to condemn & complain about the husband. This is not someone he would rejoice in being around. As well, tries to use sex as a weapon against the marriage and husband. Then the wife could be in trouble.
The vast majority of times, when you dig deep to find the root cause, an affair is the result of many problems, not the start.

Originally Posted by Proverbs 31:10-12
A good wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.

Originally Posted by Proverbs 31:26
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Originally Posted by Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Click to expand...
oh my…wifey? lol ok, time…😛
 
When you couldn’t reach your husband for 24 hours, was he out of the country (or across the country) perhaps? My husband travels a lot for work and I know it is awful when he is out of the country, simply because there is a huge time difference and he is just exhausted from it. Travel can be so hard on the body. It sounds like your husband works very hard, and the fact that you can stay home with your kids is a blessing.
What I do know is the travel has nothing to do with being unfaithful, that can happen if he travels or not, but doesn’t necessarily happen to men who travel. I have to echo the sentiment that you guys are not communicating properly. Was this a one time thing that you couldn’t reach him? Was he in a location where there was little cell service and he left his cell in the car for that reason? There may be a logical explanation for everything, but again, without communication, you have no answers.
I don’t consider my life as a stay at home mom mundane at all, and don’t see why you do either. It is so valuable to your children and to society. You should have an idea of the financial situation of your family though. Perhaps your husband can sit with you over a weekend and go through it. Again, communication is key for this. I would guess your kids are pretty young, but you could think about getting a part time job when they are all in school. Now might be a good time to look into that. Maybe there is a class you could take to work toward that. Even if you had to get a babysitter a few times a week, you might enjoy setting a long term goal for yourself that could help out the entire family someday.
I would really encourage you not to be too hard on your husband. If you welcome him home with love, he will probably be more open to discussion about how you feel.
 
It sounds like the particular instance that you were upset about was a one time thing, that you are used to being able to reach your husband multiple times a day when he is out. Maybe he was under a lot of pressure that day and just needed a mental time out, and left his cell phone somewhere where it wouldn’t be bothering him.

It also sounds like you are having a hard time being a mom of three with a frequently absent husband. That is really understandable.

It still seems like a real leap to me to think that your husband has gone from being hardworking to someone who would betray his family. I would do a Google search for “signs of an affair” and maybe once you see the other signs and symptoms you’ll see the difference.
 
I travel 100% typically and have for years. I am frequently out of communication because I am burned out quite frankly. And if you’ve called him 3 times, perhaps he feels a bit hounded.

Out of all the people I’ve worked with, I could count on one hand the number of people having affairs. The vast majority of people are just working and working hard.

The socialization aspect can seem fun from afar too, but it isn’t. My SO is concerned at times because I go out to dinner with men a lot - that’s pretty much all I work with. I try to reassure him that we all talk mainly about our home lives - wives, husbands, GFs, BFs, kids, pets.

Is it the traveling, or the sense of being out of his thoughts completely? Perhaps you just need some extra attention because you’re working very hard on the home front. I would discuss it with him from that perspective.

BTW - I don’t find anything wrong with getting a reality check from people on a religious forum. Sometimes talking to others let you know that you aren’t crazy. Or you are, depending on the situation. 😛
 
I don’t know why not anybody has mentioned this yet. Maybe I missed it if somebody did.

It looks like many of these fears may be allayed if you had actual access to the bills and a little more control or ‘say’ over the finances.

I’m not saying you should grab all the bills in order to sniff out adultry, but I do think that you need to be allowed more of an equal partnership in this regard. Thus, you will feel less helpless and at the mercy of something you have no say in.

Talk to him about this.

Since you are the one at home, you definitely need to be part of the house finances team. There is no telling how you could organize the budget or whatnot considering you know the ins and outs of your household. For example, you could switch your phone company to another with a bundle offer or decide to go with an online phone provider.

There are legitamite reasons for you to have a hand in these sort of things, and you need to have familiarity with the bills in this regard!

You also have a RIGHT to know where the money goes and have a say in how it is applied.

On this I wouldn’t budge.

If he doesn’t allow you full and complete access to atleast see the finances…then then and only then would I get seriously suspicious. Heck, I wouldn’t suspect adultry I would suspect control issues which would NOT bode well for him if he had to deal with me.
 
movingmom said:
He says his phone and blackberry (which, I am not kidding are vitual extensions of his body) were both left in the rental car most of the day. I found this incredible hard to believe, he did not contact ANYONE for 24 hours, not me, not work, nobody? He literally does not go anywhere without his phone. I asked him if I was supposed to believe this and he said he didn‘t have to put up with listening to me and hung up.
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This would send up a HUGE flag to me and I am speaking from past experience from a wandering spouse. You** know **your husband. Instinct is your best tool.
 
Sheeniac said:
I travel 100% typically and have for years. I am frequently out of communication because I am burned out quite frankly. And if you’ve called him 3 times, perhaps he feels a bit hounded.
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If one’s spouse is their beloved and their closest companion, then I would not think that being called by them often would generally be a problem unless it was in the middle of a meeting or something. All I can think is that if I were a traveling husband, a call from my wife (not that I have one yet) would be just what the doctor ordered.

Tired and burned out? A wife’s love and concern is meant to salve that.

Heck. In my youth, my own father on several occasions took us with him when he went on business trips that were more than a couple days. Of course, he did not go away all that often. But I think he got lonely without the family.
 
I think you know whether or not you are being irrational, or if there is really cause for concern.

Traveling/not answering the phone does not a cheater make. His response to you about your concerns is distressing, however. Did this come after several other instances of accusations? (for lack of better term, I’m not judging you) Or was this just out of the blue?

Signs of cheating:
  • disinterest in married life
  • changes to appearance
  • changes in schedule; i.e., not being able to reach him when normally he’s always available, different times in and out of the house, changes in routine, changes in activities suddenly - all of which you aren’t allowed to be a part of
  • creating arguments for no reason
  • inappropriate affection, attention, gifts suddenly
  • unfamiliar women calling the house, calling his cell, emailing him
None, save the last, is a real indication of adultery alone. However, a combination of these things, is. I know, because my husband, whom I am still married to and share in an incredible union with, cheated for four years of our marriage. I lived through all of this and more, so I can understand where your concerns are based.

However, it’s important not to make mistakes. First, you need to pray over this, long and hard, for both your husband and yourself. Then, you need to just come out and ask him. Not accusingly, not when you are angry, not when you think you can trick him into admitting something. I’ll let you in on a clue - you can convince yourself of anything if you really want to. It’s one of the many tricks of Satan, who we all know, loves to dissolve marriages.

Then, you need to take action on whatever he says. He may lie to you, but you will know if he is. Whether or not he admits to it (as he may certainly be guilty of nothing, it’s important to remember), talking to your priest is a good idea. He may be able to admit something to the priest that he can’t admit to you. Or, your priest may be able to give you another perspective. If your husband is faithful, then his angry outburst was due to your question. How many times do you ask this? Any husband - even the most faithful - would be angry at some point. It’s bad enough when you have cheated, but it’s horrible when you are guilty of nothing.

It’s important to note, that we must keep our houses clean, as stay at home mothers. Our hearts, and minds, must be swept clean of any evils. Suspicion and misery are not good things to have dwelling in our bodies, hearts and minds. When you get to the bottom of this situation, you must then turn your efforts onto yourself. Regardless of what you find out - you still have to keep yourself pure. Not only for yourself, but for your children.Children are often the unforeseen casualties of marital discord.

Please, don’t put yourself in the position of “having to know for sure”. Allow God and the Holy Spirit to work in this situation. Remain faithful to Christ and His timing. Be responsible - get involved in your finances and don’t turn your face from what you should know in your life. But don’t obsess over finding out the truth or catching him in the act. He may be innocent. There’s a very good chance, he is. He is your husband, remember. Not just some random person. He deserves your trust in him, as well as your support. And in turn, you deserve his fedelity, among other things.

Pray, pray without ceasing - for him, and yourself. God will bring it to you, and reveal how to deal with it, if it is true. God will also bring to you how to deal with yourself, as well.
 
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