Taking a Spouses Side

[BlueEyedLady]

Please show me where I defended a woman’s right to “go ballistic”. I’m curious about that one.

All I did was respond to your assertion that if a woman is furious the man should be able to make her “back down”. It doesn’t work that way. Even if the man thinks he’s right, or is right, no one has a right to make someone back down from their position.

The mature and responsible thing to do is talk things out. And keep talking until something is worked out. If tempers are too high for that (on either side) then one or both people need to remove themselves from the situation until things have calmed.

But no matter who is right or wrong no one has the right to expect an angry partner to just back down without at least addressing that person’s feelings and perspectives. This is not the 1930’s. Women are allowed to take issue with and question their husband’s behavior.

 

[Moore11]

…Oh really? Well I’ll tell you this much, if you’re with a woman long enough you will eventually screw up, and it will be big, and she will be furious. At some point in time or another everyone does. If you think that you have the right, much less the responsibility to make her back down with just a look you need to seriously adjust your attitude when it comes to relationships, and more specifically communication.

11 years of marriage and 4 kids later and I have never screwed up like you are describing. My wife is a scientist and appeals to her logic usually work well. There aren’t many women that I can say “gee, you are being absolutely irrational and emotional. Perhaps you should sit back and evaluate the facts with your reaction.” and have it not escalate but my wife is one of them!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

11 years of marriage and 4 kids later and I have never screwed up like you are describing. My wife is a scientist and appeals to her logic usually work well. There aren’t many women that I can say “gee, you are being absolutely irrational and emotional. Perhaps you should sit back and evaluate the facts with your reaction.” and have it not escalate but my wife is one of them!

My honey has a calming effect on me too. But there is a difference between defusing a situation and expecting someone who feels you wronged them to back down from it just because you say to. Everyone does have a right to address concerns, and no one should be blown off or expected to just let it go.

 

[chevalier]

Please show me where I defended a woman’s right to “go ballistic”. I’m curious about that one.

Last quote from you in my previous post. Black on white, you did.

All I did was respond to your assertion that if a woman is furious the man should be able to make her “back down”. It doesn’t work that way. Even if the man thinks he’s right, or is right, no one has a right to make someone back down from their position.

That discussion went back to a woman locking you out of your house with you sleeping under the stars or something along the lines. Keep things in the context please.

The mature and responsible thing to do is talk things out.

You’ve got to be kidding me. I always said that in pretty much every post I made and I ranted a long while about finding the creativity to come up with solutions that are more productive than the standard 50/50 or 100/0 divisions (forced compromises or one person has to drop it, false dichotomies etc.). You just chose to focus on the minority of other things and then blow them out of proportion while inserting your own assumptions.

But no matter who is right or wrong no one has the right to expect an angry partner to just back down without at least addressing that person’s feelings and perspectives. This is not the 1930’s. Women are allowed to take issue with and question their husband’s behavior.

Firstly, you actually missed a joke. I was speaking only semi-seriously and my point was that a man should not be afraid of a woman’s temper the way it was suggested. Regardless of genders involved, a person needs to know how to stand up to people who refuse to contain their moods. Regretfully, as you say, this is not the 1930-ies and the current societal belief is that a woman does not need to control her outbursts (and I expect every adult to be able to control his outbursts, regardless of his sex), while a man should generally do whatever a woman wants, especially when she resorts to her temper to get it. Back in more polite and more cultured times, calming down was a prerequisite to talking. While you need to talk, you also need to know how to hold your ground and avoid being turned into a doormat. Simple as that.

 

[EasterJoy]

11 years of marriage and 4 kids later and I have never screwed up like you are describing. My wife is a scientist and appeals to her logic usually work well. There aren’t many women that I can say “gee, you are being absolutely irrational and emotional. Perhaps you should sit back and evaluate the facts with your reaction.” and have it not escalate but my wife is one of them!

That’s sounds like our marriage…and we’re scientists, too. OTOH, my husband has only been wrong once in over 20 years of marriage, so we have that going for us, too. (I’m wrong all the time, but he’s big about it.)

 

[Moore11]

That’s sounds like our marriage…and we’re scientists, too. OTOH, my husband has only been wrong once in over 20 years of marriage, so we have that going for us, too. (I’m wrong all the time, but he’s big about it.)

LOL I’ve never been wrong. EVER! I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

I am wrong a lot. So is my wife. Neither of us have ever given the other a reason to become “furious”

I always tell my wife that she is the second smartest person I know.

 

[EasterJoy]

I always tell my wife that she is the second smartest person I know.

After your research director, I suppose.

 

[thewanderer]

Ok, here’s my take on this.

If its a disagreement about some concrete fact, like which is the best political policy or even about something like what their favourite movies are then there is absolutely no problem with them disagreeing publicly so long as it doesn’t turn into a fight. A couple should avoid fighting in public at all costs, and especially in front of their children.

If its something more personal, like one’s spouse did something that upset ones mother, for instance, then I can definately see the value to, in public/with ones mother, to defend ones spouse against negative treatment by ones mother whether or not you think they were right in the first place. If you think your spouse is in the wrong, talk to him about it in private and encourage them to see the mothers point of view and to apologize etc. But I can definately see value to avoiding such a discussion in public. I think it would be ok to let the upset party know that you understand why they are upset, if you do so privately and so long as you are very clearly still defending the necessity that they treat you spouse with the charity and respect he/she deserves.

If its about some familial decision you and your spouse has made together, then it is absolutely necessary that you always side with your spouse, even if you agree with someone else more. You just have to present a united front about such things. Not to mention that it will just being more tension into your marriage.

 

[mtbender]

I was always raised to believe that you stand by your spouse and take their side even when you feel that they are wrong. Even if you privately argue with them and try to change their mind, you defend them to the outside world and present yourselves as united.

But I do understand that that can sometimes be a difficult thing to do, especially when you have to stand by them over your friends or even family that you feel are right.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree or disagree with it?

And before anyone asks this question is not stemming from a problem in my or anyone else’s relationship. It’s hypothetical. But as a young woman preparing for marriage I am interested in other’s thoughts on the matter.

If there is communication in private, a lot of these issues are avoided (note: a lot – not all). There shouldn’t be any “big” issues within the marriage that have not already been discussed and although you may not see eye to eye still – you should have an understanding of your spouse’s position. If it is an issue worth fighting or arguing over in public – than there are bigger issues in the relationship.

Unless it’s a safety type issue that she may have missed – I am not going to take sides against my wife – but that because she knows and respects my opinions and I respect her and her judgment. Is it always the choice I would make; maybe not – but it is more than presenting yourself as being united – it’s about being united.