Taking the high road

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If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, that’s not your fault. If a person treated you badly, that’s not your fault.

Please, get some counseling to help you work through this. You need some help moving forward, and a counselor is the best person to do that.
 
I so get it. Just as our feeling never really mattered to them in the first place, our feelings won’t matter now. But it does get easier over time to truly internalize our worth, especially our value to God.

Some of us just have a broken man-picker. It’s not your fault.
 
Jump4Joy said:
It’s nice that someone can relate. I almost feel guilty for being traumatized. He never hit me. It’s my fault for not being discerning with partners. If I had higher self esteem, I wouldn’t have got hurt. I’m dwelling in the past. I want to know my opinion is right and valid and that I’m not a weakling or nuts for being hurt and it’s not my fault. It can easily turn into “you take things too personally” is the issue rather than the fact this is a cruel abusive person
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I can relate to this. I survived domestic violence (not with the man I married - heavens no). It was physical and emotional. The physical was amazingly easier to deal with because the pain was temporary. The words literally hurt for years. Even my husband, who would never hurt me in that way, paid for what I went through for a time.

You didn’t take it personally, not in the way I think you’re meaning (and I can remember thinking the same way). You did in a way, but not wrongly; we’re human and words hurt more than people might realize. It’s not your fault - what someone chooses to do to you is never your fault. Your opinion IS ALWAYS RIGHT AND VALID IN THAT REGARD - you are neither weak nor nuts. You are human, Joy. This stuff hurts us. Significant others can have the power to convince us of things that just aren’t true. They learn what buttons to push and they do it because they know the reaction it will net. You didn’t do that - this person did.

Please, I agree - counseling is best. It takes time - I wish I had sought help sooner than I did because then it wouldn’t have caused problems for me (for us) later. Because I took the sensitivity it created and I let it affect me elsewhere, which wasn’t fair. Human, but not fair. I thought that because it had passed I was over it. I wasn’t.

You’re not wrong here - you’ve been wronged, and like every other human it’s changed you. Go get counseling to help you move forward. It makes a difference.
 
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No, it does not make you weak anymore than a nearsighted person needing glasses makes them weak.

The difference between those who manage to have a good life is that they acknowledge their differences and find ways to deal with them.

If this is about previous abuse it is not only dangerous to contact that person, but extremely unhealthy to desire a mentally healthy response from someone who never gave you one in the first place.
 
It’s the same way with grief.
You lose someone you love - it doesn’t go away.
An upsetting memory - can return back to me - in a sudden memory flash -
ohhhh I hate that -

Someone said - that demons can do that to you - they have that power …
Not sure, but Father Rippenger says to pray - for one’s memory - to be healed.
I thought that was interesting. Never heard that phrase before.
 
All the advice given sounds good. When the thought comes into your head, tell Jesus and Mary you reject the thought and ask for help. Ask for holy forgetfulness. Do it as a habit. You are telling Jesus you want His will to be done. He does not want you to let your heart be troubled. He said so.
 
I’ve decided my reaction is a normal human reaction. The ruminating is the weakness
 
You might benefit from letting it go. Your energy is too precious to squander on thoughts of those who’ve hurt you. In the end, God will address the matter according to His magnificent justice, wisdom and healing.
 
I agree. Not knowing when to let things go is quite unhealthy. :crazy_face:
 
I’ve decided to occupy myself with more important matters. Unfortunately you cannot change the past. I am so upset with myself for many reasons regarding that issue. I’ve always sucked at letting go. My sister says it is because I don’t stand up for myself or say anything when things are current instead I stuff it inside.

Will I get closure from contacting him? He has moved on with his life. I wonder if he’ll think I am absolutely crazy
 
I feel like a loser. A loser for getting hurt. A loser for having difficulty letting go. A loser in general. What do I have to lose from letting go? It feels like he keeps winning.
 
Something of that magnitude might not require your forgiveness. Some matters are for God’s Justice.

But you deserve healing, happiness and a future where this no longer troubles you.
 
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Jump4Joy said:
I feel like a loser. A loser for getting hurt. A loser for having difficulty letting go. A loser in general. What do I have to lose from letting go? It feels like he keeps winning.
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Life is not a measure of end goals but one of consistent progress ( or lack there of ). It seems every time you get to a point where you realize that there is no one to blame but hard work to do, you start taking cheap shots at yourself and create a wall of self-pity and wallow.

Start to take some initiative. Research how damaging negative self speech is and find ways to reverse it. Write the letters you will never send. Heck, write a story where the main characters is you and you make the decisions you wish you would have…and then again with the good decisions you did make erased.

And read up on some Conrad Baars. You spit fire at me last time I suggested you read his book, but I genuinely so think it would help you. My early childhood was terrible (adoption not as infant) and it wasn’t until I was in college that I figured out all the Therepists who actually helped me were well versed in his work. Verified some years later via websites…so not like I sought them out.
 
Jump4Joy said:
I’m weighing my options. I want to send a Facebook message telling someone from the past how I felt about something truly hurtful they did. I risk seeming completely crazy and starting drama but maybe I’ll finally get my closure.
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It is a bad idea to get very personal on any social media. It is also not an appropriate venue to share intimate feelings about hurtful things others have done to us, or about us.

Although I don’t think it would make you look crazy, but, it does make you look like you don’t have good boundaries. You have to remember that many employers now check social media before hiring people. I even know one person who secured a good job, then lost it when an electronic footprint was found. They let him go, writing him a letter that said his values were not consistent with their company.

You will not get “closure” in this way, just more problems.
Jump4Joy said:
The high road is to forget about it. It’s been over a year, the incident still makes me want to cry.
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No, this is not “high road”. We are often unable to forget deep wounds, and there is no requirement that we do so. We forgive and forbear, but the memories take time to heal, sometimes many years. If it still makes you want to cry that means that the wound is still raw. It is not appropriate to expect yourself to heal according to some timeline such as “a year”.
Jump4Joy said:
I’ve been fixated on this incident for awhile.

What is there to do?

I am seeking counseling but the wheels in my head keep turning
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This is where your focus needs to be (the wheels in your own head) instead of trying to speak to the offender. It is possible to rub salt and dirt into your own wounds by fixating and letting the wheels keep turning. When it comes to mind, it is a signal to forgive the person and to pray for healing for both of you.
Jump4Joy said:
What are alternatives to fully put the lid on the box, bury the box and throw away the key?
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This is not only impossible, but counterproductive. This is not how wounds are healed. They need to be cleaned and healed not buried. You should not live inside the wound, but the wound has now become part of your life expereince. It cannot be forgotten, just like we should not “put the lid on the box, bury the box, and throw away the key” of the holocaust!
Jump4Joy said:
Don’t you think if it we’re so easy to move on? I would. I want tangible, practical ways to do so. I 100% agree that I should not look back and move on
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Have you considered DBT?
 
Jump4Joy said:
Just remember what happened. It is not my strong suit to move on easily or quickly regardless.
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It is not a strong suit for most of us. Our resentment is a signal that an injustice has been done, and vengence is wanting.

Think of it this way. When you cut yourself, it hurts and may bleed. Over time, it heals and may leave a mark/scar. The scar tissue is stronger than any other tissue in the body, and though it looks different, functions as well as the original skin to protect the body. The same is true of emotional wounds. You know they are healed when they don’t hurt anymore. You can look at the scar, remember how you got it, even tell the story of it, but it no longer hurts to do so.
 
Seems to me that I’ve read or heard that we cannot be angry with someone and praying for them at the same moment. So praying for someone that we’re angry with or sending them blessings really is of great benefit for us also. Wonderful tool to help us let go and move on. Worked for me in the past-hope this is helpful.
 
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