Talk about sex with fiance

[Becca3]

Oh ok. Thank you so much for explaining that to me.

 

[fpt]

Me and my fiance are getting married in August. We have actually not really talk about sex really detailed Do you think, this is necessary or even appropriate before the wedding? What do you think or how did you handle things before your wedding?

You need to try of knowing, in the natural and catholic way, if you are almost on the same line intellectually speaking, psychologically speaking, mentally speaking, emotionally speaking, morally speaking, theologically speaking, philosophically speaking concerning the conjugal rules of the marital act. Are you almost comptatible, **a priori? **

Do you have the same level of view of moral standards of the marital act? How often? How many times? How fast? How? Why? What for? Intentions? The purposes? The ends? When? Where? Foreplay, the sexual preliminaries, the conjugal sexual romance, the conjugal sexual seduction, the sexual rights on the body of the other, the holy conjugal erotism, the conjugal sexual love…etc???The female garments, the male garments, the modesty of wife, the modesty of husband, the decency of wife, the decency of husband, the notion of the near occasion of sexual sins (the level of acception in link with the good definition, and the fact of being touched by the scrupulism), the sexual prudishness, the sexual rigorism, the sexual moralism, the sexual shyness, the sexual tenderness, the sensual tenderness…etc??? The definition of each sexual sins with the constitutive elements???

Do you have the same conception of the marital act, of the physical love ou of the cotext of the marital act, the creative abstinence during the NFP??? The notion of false devotion for not refusing the marital request, during special times???

 

[GraceUnderFire]

If the engaged persons are not capable to have talk on those topics,** in my humble opinion, it is a sign of conjugal sexual immaturity**

Totally agree with this. There is this attitude that just because we aren’t supposed to be “doing it” doesn’t mean we should be aware of it. I completely disagree. Human sexuality is a big deal and very important within the context of a marriage when there is another person to consider. If I couldn’t have these conversations with the man I was going to marry, it would be a huge red flag.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Totally agree with this. There is this attitude that just because we aren’t supposed to be “doing it” doesn’t mean we should be aware of it. I completely disagree. Human sexuality is a big deal and very important within the context of a marriage when there is another person to consider. If I couldn’t have these conversations with the man I was going to marry, it would be a huge red flag.

Well, we decided not to really talk about it much before we got married. We covered the basics–ie, we were both virgins, so no sexual history and we didn’t need to test; he asked, and I explained briefly, what a period was like because it seemed possible at the time that I might be on my period on our wedding night; we both knew that we really wanted to be together; we discussed when, if, and how we’d use NFP and what each of our responsibilities would be if we needed to use it to avoid; our Catholic understanding of sexuality as a good and beautiful thing and the Church’s teaching on it; and, most importantly, we agreed before we ever got engaged that if we ever were worried, confused, upset, or just curious about something, we would always talk to the other person and never expect him or her to just intuitively figure out what was wrong, and we’d keep talking until we’d come to an agreement or understanding. We also both agreed to never say “no” to the other person unless there was a very, very good reason that the other person didn’t know about, and that we’d explain exactly what that reason was so that the other person knew what was going on (examples: if I thought I might be getting a UTI, or he was feeling sick to his stomach after having some questionable shellfish at lunch, that kind of thing) and wouldn’t feel rejected.

Honestly, what else is there to talk about? Sure, if either of us had a sexual history or had been sexually traumatized in some way, we would have needed more in-depth discussion about triggers and so on, but we didn’t. We were both virgins, so we were hardly going to discuss our favorite positions or sexual activities. We were both, obviously, aware of the basics, and we honestly didn’t want to tempt each other by talking about it more than that beforehand. When you’re engaged, there will be at least a little temptation there anyway, but we could fight it off pretty easily because we loved each other too much to tempt each other to sin. Explicit discussions would have made it a lot harder to avoid impure thoughts, though.

 

[SusanneT]

Well, we decided not to really talk about it much before we got married. We covered the basics–ie, we were both virgins, so no sexual history and we didn’t need to test; he asked, and I explained briefly, what a period was like because it seemed possible at the time that I might be on my period on our wedding night; we both knew that we really wanted to be together; we discussed when, if, and how we’d use NFP and what each of our responsibilities would be if we needed to use it to avoid; our Catholic understanding of sexuality as a good and beautiful thing and the Church’s teaching on it; and, most importantly, we agreed before we ever got engaged that if we ever were worried, confused, upset, or just curious about something, we would always talk to the other person and never expect him or her to just intuitively figure out what was wrong, and we’d keep talking until we’d come to an agreement or understanding. We also both agreed to never say “no” to the other person unless there was a very, very good reason that the other person didn’t know about, and that we’d explain exactly what that reason was so that the other person knew what was going on (examples: if I thought I might be getting a UTI, or he was feeling sick to his stomach after having some questionable shellfish at lunch, that kind of thing) and wouldn’t feel rejected.

Honestly, what else is there to talk about? Sure, if either of us had a sexual history or had been sexually traumatized in some way, we would have needed more in-depth discussion about triggers and so on, but we didn’t. We were both virgins, so we were hardly going to discuss our favorite positions or sexual activities. We were both, obviously, aware of the basics, and we honestly didn’t want to tempt each other by talking about it more than that beforehand. When you’re engaged, there will be at least a little temptation there anyway, but we could fight it off pretty easily because we loved each other too much to tempt each other to sin. Explicit discussions would have made it a lot harder to avoid impure thoughts, though.

Really good reply. I think there are a million things you do need to talk through, sexual morality, birth control children etc yes and I would add money as absolutely top of the list - but not the specifics of sex. Although I for one wish I had had someone else I could have discussed some aspects of that with - especially as a slightly older bride it an be very difficult as frankly the world in general (doctors other women generally) expects that you have experience when you obviously don’t

 

[fpt]

For instance:

The Syndrome of white goose of the bride is terrible, is very sad and is very wrong for the future of the conjugal sexual life of wife and in fine of couple, the victorian mentality on the lack of knowledge of the bride about her sexual rights, about her sexual obligations, about her sexual duties, about his sexual rights, about his sexual obligations, about his sexual duties is a scandal, the mentality of the passivity of wife during the marital act is against the mutual and reciprocal donation of bodies, the refusal of the wife of asking her husband the marital debt for some religious mentalities, only the husband could ask, (the false view of catholicism) is a sad and very destructive for the husband, the refusing to be an active wife in the conjugal bed, in using the wrong religious beliefs is dangerous for the sexual harmony of couple…etc.

The moral theology of the Ronald Conte on the sexual foreplay (per se, immoral) versus the other theologians about the foreplay (normal, natural, useful, no sinful, per se, and the only one that is sinful)??? Do yo have the same moral view on the sexual preliminaries, morally speaking??? Do you refuse acts by principles, morally speaking that are objectively natural, per se??

Thus before he marriage, the discussion about the understanding of the catholic morality of the marital act with all the corollaries is very important: do you have the same understanding of teaching? Do you have the almost same level of moral expectations concerning the morality of the marital act? *The link with your own corporeity? The link with the corporeity of other? *The garments of wife? The modesty of wife, the modesty of husband?..etc??? The false devotions???

 

[UbiCaritas]

Really good reply. I think there are a million things you do need to talk through, sexual morality, birth control children etc yes and I would add money as absolutely top of the list - but not the specifics of sex. Although I for one wish I had had someone else I could have discussed some aspects of that with - especially as a slightly older bride it an be very difficult as frankly the world in general (doctors other women generally) expects that you have experience when you obviously don’t

Well, I was lucky in that regard. At the time that my fiancé and I were engaged, my best friend, who is a faithful, NFP-using Catholic, had been married for about three years. When the wedding started to get closer, we had several fairly in-depth conversations that were REALLY helpful for me, and when the occasional question has come up since I’ve gotten married, we’ve been able to talk about those, too. I can’t begin to say how helpful it was and is to have someone like that in my life!

 

[fpt]

Me and my fiance are getting married in August. We have actually not really talk about sex really detailed Do you think, this is necessary or even appropriate before the wedding? What do you think or how did you handle things before your wedding?

Discussions on all topics: money, professionnal activities, holydays, travels, leisures, religion, devotions, morality, family in law, the opening to the life, the culture, the diplomas, the mentalities, the life style, the needs, the hopes, the wishes, the vows, the wills, the fears, the economy, the politics.

Are you on the same line, in priori, in doxa and in praxis???

The issues of the natural family planning: the different methods for understanding the cycle of fertility of wife, the acception of constitutive elements of a serious and grave reason for avoiding or postponing the new baby, the hiearchy of ends of marriage, the creative abstinence during the days where there is no sex because of the fertility of wife (how to stay a couple without the marital act even in showing the physical tenderness without the complete union of bodies in the respect of the catholic morality), how to avoid the sexual sins and the others, if frustration, if long moment without sex. The global management of the NFP can be difficult, it is not always easy: libido of wife, libido of husband???

The understanding of the sexual corporeity of each one and the understanding of the sexual psyche of each one: the fact of being a wife, the fact of acting like a wife, the fact of being a husband, the fact of acting like a husband, the fact of receiving the masculinity, the fact of giving the virility, the fact of giving the feminity, the fact of receiving the feminity, the fact of taking the masculinity, the fact of taking the feminity.

*The agreement about the standards of education of future children, the view on education of girls, the view on the education of boys???
*
The life of the couple, the life of the family, the life of the wife, the life of the husband: the articulation of those different types of life??? The management of the just balance???

 

[GraceUnderFire]

Well, we decided not to really talk about it much before we got married. We covered the basics–ie, we were both virgins, so no sexual history and we didn’t need to test; he asked, and I explained briefly, what a period was like because it seemed possible at the time that I might be on my period on our wedding night; we both knew that we really wanted to be together; we discussed when, if, and how we’d use NFP and what each of our responsibilities would be if we needed to use it to avoid; our Catholic understanding of sexuality as a good and beautiful thing and the Church’s teaching on it; and, most importantly, we agreed before we ever got engaged that if we ever were worried, confused, upset, or just curious about something, we would always talk to the other person and never expect him or her to just intuitively figure out what was wrong, and we’d keep talking until we’d come to an agreement or understanding. We also both agreed to never say “no” to the other person unless there was a very, very good reason that the other person didn’t know about, and that we’d explain exactly what that reason was so that the other person knew what was going on (examples: if I thought I might be getting a UTI, or he was feeling sick to his stomach after having some questionable shellfish at lunch, that kind of thing) and wouldn’t feel rejected.
**
Honestly, what else is there to talk about? ** Sure, if either of us had a sexual history or had been sexually traumatized in some way, we would have needed more in-depth discussion about triggers and so on, but we didn’t. We were both virgins, so we were hardly going to discuss our favorite positions or sexual activities. We were both, obviously, aware of the basics, and we honestly didn’t want to tempt each other by talking about it more than that beforehand. When you’re engaged, there will be at least a little temptation there anyway, but we could fight it off pretty easily because we loved each other too much to tempt each other to sin. Explicit discussions would have made it a lot harder to avoid impure thoughts, though.

I would say you talked fairly thoroughly about it And I also stated earlier that nothing explicit is needed–care must be taken to avoid occasions of sin/near occasions of sin. Maybe I wasn’t clear, but I wasn’t suggesting anything beyond what you mention.

 

[Kelfa28]

For two virgins?

I can’t imagine there would be much discussion about sex in its intricate details…even foreplay.

That should be something that can grow and develop over time.

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

For two virgins?

I can’t imagine there would be much discussion about sex in its intricate details…even foreplay.

That should be something that can grow and develop over time.

There is however what is morally licit and what is not.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Like other posters have said - some things do need to be discussed about sex. History (if both aren’t virgins), struggles, past abuse or activeness that may affect the married life of the couple. This is the person you are going to pledge the rest of your life to. Not knowing or discussing these things does show a lack of preparation.

Also like a previous poster mentioned, guys think about this a. lot. ) The world we live in doesn’t make it easy when a guy just walks down the street and sees magazines, books, billboards, movies, and other human beings that place so much emphasis on the sexual intimacy side of a marriage. More importantly - sex is like the icing on the marriage cake. If you agree on the important aspects of marriage (Your faith in God, your care about each others family and your own future family, etc.) then the physical side of your marriage will come together with God at the center.

Something to bring up during pre-marriage counseling - the subject is one that does have to be handled with caution only because your talking about something that you aren’t going to participate in until marriage. A little prep goes a long way - you have the rest of your life to figure out specifics.

 

[His_helpmeet]

My husband and I didn’t really talk much about sex before we got married. He had been married before (the Church declared his marriage invalid, so we are sacramentally married) so he had some experience, but I was a virgin. The one thing I did ask him was about foreplay. I was familiar with the mechanics, but I didn’t know how you went from sitting on the bed looking at each other awkwardly to the full-blown marital embrace. He told me, “It starts with a kiss”.

We have been married for two years now. During the early days of our marriage, we did talk about when the other person could say “no” to sex without refusing the other partner the marital duty. As we grew together, we also talked a bit more about some of the other “mechanicals” (e.g. positions).

IMHO, I think it works best if, as previous posters have said, you discuss things such as foreplay. Just the basics. It is entirely possible for two inexperienced people to learn together how they like things. As long as you read, and understand, the teachings of the Catholic Church and abide by them, you should not have any serious problems. Also, remember that “intimacy” is about WAY MORE than just sex. While the marital embrace is necessary for marriage, neither of you should be more concerned with “performance” than with simply coming together, uniting yourselves to be one body, and sharing with each other the deepest love that you can have for another person.

 

[fpt]

I would say you talked fairly thoroughly about it And I also stated earlier that nothing explicit is needed–care must be taken to avoid occasions of sin/near occasions of sin. Maybe I wasn’t clear, but I wasn’t suggesting anything beyond what you mention.

What do you mean by “that nothing explicit is needed”??? What is your level of understanding of this sentence? For you, what is the good acception? What is nothing explicit???

What do you mean by “care must be taken to avoid occasions of sin/near occasions of sin”? What is your level of understanding of this sentence? For you, what is the good acception? What is “care must be taken to avoid occasions of sin/near occasions of sin”???

**Today all seems to be relative, nothing is universal??? What is explicit for you can be not for me, or the contrary, you know!!! **

The academical discussion between fiancés with formal words is fair, it is very useful.

 

[fpt]

For two virgins?

I can’t imagine there would be much discussion about sex in its intricate details…even foreplay.

That should be something that can grow and develop over time.

For instance:

a follower of the moral theology of Ronald Conte Jr about foreplay and sexual preliminaries, the future husband, and a follower of the moral theology of the other theologians about foreplay and sexual preliminaries. Two different acceptions of the morality of sexual foreplaythat are very incompatible.

In this situation, it is very sad for the woman if she does not know the moral position of her fiance, future husband. The expectations of types of touchings are so far away. Many issues if each one stays on this position.

**To evaluate the compatibility, communication, discussion about what is morally permissible. otherwise, the sexual life will be very difficult, no sexual harmony, no same view of conjugal sex life.

What is wrong by nature, and what is wrong, only, in function of circumstances? A debate before the marriage in order to be on the same line, the obligation of information to the other before entering into the sexed and sexual contractual institution of marriage.**

The purpose is of avoiding the stupid issues after the wedding.

 

[spunjalebi]

You need to talk about it. Absolutely! I was a virgin before marriage and my husband and I talked about it. And thank goodness we did, or else nothing would have been happening after the wedding. ha!

I’d suggest talking about topics slowly. Write a list together of topics such as:

-Are you both virgins? Why or why not? Have you confessed and repented about it?
-If one or both aren’t virgins, what are the expectations? What will you both decide in order to learn together?
-What are your expectations about foreplay? What sounds like it’s permissible and what doesn’t sound okay?
-How often do you want to have sex together? (yes my husband and I did talk about that)

Since you have time, I’d suggest talking about one thing one a week. Then refrain a couple weeks before the wedding or so, to not make each other more nervous than you might be. But definitely take the time to talk about these things. Chastity before marriage isn’t supposed to mean complete cluelessness after marriage.

 

[fpt]

The moral theology of the marital act and the moral philosophy of the marital act mean and imply the moral theology of the male sexology, the moral theology of the female sexology, the moral philosophy of the male sexology, the moral philosophy of the female sexology.

Are you on the same line? ** Is there a same understanding of the catholic morality of the marital act, in the details with all the subtelties of this huge teaching?** Who is she? who is he? Are you honest? Is she honest? Is he honest?

A priori, do you have the same view of the Holy conjugal erotism of the marital act in the respect of the narural order? The modus operandi of the marital act in link with the catholic morality? Your expectations, your needs, your vows, your requirements…etc.**

PRAYERS, COMMUNICATION, INFORMATION, DISCUSSIONS, TALKS, CONVERSATIONS, READINGS, HONESTY, LOVE, EFFORTS, SACRIFICES ARE THE KEYS

 

[fpt]

Me and my fiance are getting married in August. We have actually not really talk about sex really detailed Do you think, this is necessary or even appropriate before the wedding? What do you think or how did you handle things before your wedding?

at Igypop83

For information:

Is it vital that spouses have the same “love language”?
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=792863

In the couple, each one has the right of using the touching and each one has the obligation of being okay with the touching in order to express the love: that is almost non negociable. The mutual and reciprocal donation of bodies during the marital act and / or out of the marital act, in link with the natural moral order.
**
The other love languages are very important because we are body and soul. *Each one has to try to agree with the other languages, it is an obligations of means. The conjugal charity is to try to offer and to receive all the love languages.
*
Discuss before the marriage, it is very essential. Sacrifices, efforts and communication are very important.

 

[Debora123]

Me and my fiance are getting married in August. We have actually not really talk about sex really detailed Do you think, this is necessary or even appropriate before the wedding? What do you think or how did you handle things before your wedding?

I don’t think it’s “necessary” but it’s not innapropriate either.

As for how we handled it? My husband and I talked about everything before our wedding. There were no secrets and yes we talked about sex and about what we thought we’d like and what we expected etc etc…