Talking to a woman after mass

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rkwittem

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For the mahority of my adult life, I had a negative view on sexuality and personal relationships stemming from my upbringing, personal experiences (some of which were embarrassing and a source of much misery for me), and my own distinct personality. (In a word, nature & nurture.) For those keeping score at home, I would count the start of puberty as “adult” life because it introduces a lot of new experiences and added complexity.

After a lengthy discussion I had on here, I talked to a priest and got some counseling on the matter, both from professionals and close friends I trust. These factors have all contributed to me doing a complete 180. However, I missed out on a lot of good chances at getting experience in the personalbrelationship dept, particularly with women, so I’m way behind compared to most of my peers. (I’m 25). I have prayed a great deal on this matter as I regard discernment my #1 goal at the moment. I am getting the sense in prayer that my future lies in married life. As such, I regard mate selection (to use the scientific phrase) as a religious or spiritual venture. Again, God “provided” for me. Right as I began maturing in this matter, I met a charming, lovely Catholic girl at mass about a month ago. The biggest issue I have is that I am wilting under the pressure. We’ve spoken a couple of times briefly after Mass for a minute or two each time and I’m reasonably confident she likes me, based on certain social cues. I just don’t have the guts to ask her out or make any semblance of a pass at her. Not afraid of rejection, but screwing this golden chance up. It is hard to find single Catholics where I’m at, so I regard her quite highly. I want to be bolder and more resolute in my convictions (prayer hasn’t led me to feel that God has a different plan for me at this point in my life), but my nerves are a wreck. How should I approach this girl, quell my nerves, and do so in a pious, unselfish mannr? Sorry for the novel…
 
If you are sure she likes you, as you indicated, then just ask. Waiting can be seen as a sign of rejection as well. You are 25 not 65. If she does not bite, then you are out nothing.

I met my wife by making an off color remark about her in front of her friends. She can over and slapped me in the face. I asked her out the same day and she said yes. We have been married for 14 years.

Take a chance.
 
I would say that the best thing you can do is not to put so much pressure on yourself.

I can empathize. I spent far too many hours of my youth puffing up the most minor of chance encounters with women as though the entirety of my future happiness was riding on the most mundane of interpersonal interactions. With that kind of pressure, it was little wonder that I was paralyzed with fear around any girl I was remotely interested in.

So my advice is “Lighten up.” If you ask her out and she says no, you will not die. The world will not stop. It will keep turning. Your life will move forward. And you will be fine.

I know it’s tempting to want to view everything through the parameters of “mate selection” (and please don’t use that phrase around women! :p). But you will do yourself a favor to dial it down a notch when it comes to expectations. If you have only chatted a few times over the past month, then you need to get to know each other much better before any “mate selecting” will be taking place. So simply look at it as an opportunity to get to know a member of the opposite sex and see where things might go. You’re just asking her out on a date, not asking her to be your wife. Relax! 🙂
 
rkwittem said:
For the mahority of my adult life, I had a negative view on sexuality and personal relationships stemming from my upbringing, personal experiences (some of which were embarrassing and a source of much misery for me), and my own distinct personality. (In a word, nature & nurture.) For those keeping score at home, I would count the start of puberty as “adult” life because it introduces a lot of new experiences and added complexity.

After a lengthy discussion I had on here, I talked to a priest and got some counseling on the matter, both from professionals and close friends I trust. These factors have all contributed to me doing a complete 180. However, I missed out on a lot of good chances at getting experience in the personalbrelationship dept, particularly with women, so I’m way behind compared to most of my peers. (I’m 25). I have prayed a great deal on this matter as I regard discernment my #1 goal at the moment. I am getting the sense in prayer that my future lies in married life. As such, I regard mate selection (to use the scientific phrase) as a religious or spiritual venture. Again, God “provided” for me. Right as I began maturing in this matter, I met a charming, lovely Catholic girl at mass about a month ago. The biggest issue I have is that I am wilting under the pressure. We’ve spoken a couple of times briefly after Mass for a minute or two each time and I’m reasonably confident she likes me, based on certain social cues. I just don’t have the guts to ask her out or make any semblance of a pass at her. Not afraid of rejection, but screwing this golden chance up. It is hard to find single Catholics where I’m at, so I regard her quite highly. I want to be bolder and more resolute in my convictions (prayer hasn’t led me to feel that God has a different plan for me at this point in my life), but my nerves are a wreck. How should I approach this girl, quell my nerves, and do so in a pious, unselfish mannr? Sorry for the novel…
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If you are nervous, the next time you speak to her after Mass, say to her "Would like to get a cup of coffee with me, if you can’t now perhaps another day?".

Something simple like that.

If she accepts, you have a chance. If she says no, then there is always catholicmatch.com/ & catholicsingles.com 😃

Good luck and God Bless!
 
Keep it light. Girls like that. Try to get to a place internally where you’re truly not nervous about asking her out- in other words, don’t fake it til you make it because she may pick up on any lack of confidence and it might hurt your chances.

Also, keep in mind that maybe this is not the girl God picked out for you. Maybe there’s another one who will pop up in the future. The point is, seeing her as the Only One is a very dangerous mindset to have when the correct one should be “one of many.”

Hope this helps!
 
rkwittem said:
For the mahority of my adult life, I had a negative view on sexuality and personal relationships stemming from my upbringing, personal experiences (some of which were embarrassing and a source of much misery for me), and my own distinct personality. (In a word, nature & nurture.) For those keeping score at home, I would count the start of puberty as “adult” life because it introduces a lot of new experiences and added complexity.

After a lengthy discussion I had on here, I talked to a priest and got some counseling on the matter, both from professionals and close friends I trust. These factors have all contributed to me doing a complete 180. However, I missed out on a lot of good chances at getting experience in the personalbrelationship dept, particularly with women, so I’m way behind compared to most of my peers. (I’m 25). I have prayed a great deal on this matter as I regard discernment my #1 goal at the moment. I am getting the sense in prayer that my future lies in married life. As such, I regard mate selection (to use the scientific phrase) as a religious or spiritual venture. Again, God “provided” for me. Right as I began maturing in this matter, I met a charming, lovely Catholic girl at mass about a month ago. The biggest issue I have is that I am wilting under the pressure. We’ve spoken a couple of times briefly after Mass for a minute or two each time and I’m reasonably confident she likes me, based on certain social cues. I just don’t have the guts to ask her out or make any semblance of a pass at her. Not afraid of rejection, but screwing this golden chance up. It is hard to find single Catholics where I’m at, so I regard her quite highly. I want to be bolder and more resolute in my convictions (prayer hasn’t led me to feel that God has a different plan for me at this point in my life), but my nerves are a wreck. How should I approach this girl, quell my nerves, and do so in a pious, unselfish mannr? Sorry for the novel…
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It’s good that you are communicating BEFORE asking her out.

Talk to her some more, flirt with her, tease her and ask her out. Romantically communicating like this will put you AHEAD of most of your peers.

Also, when you ask her out, don’t worry so much about the classification. If she says “is this a date?” by all means say yes, but don’t make the mistake of coming on too strong.
 
Joseph73 said:
Keep it light. Girls like that. Try to get to a place internally where you’re truly not nervous about asking her out- in other words, don’t fake it til you make it because she may pick up on any lack of confidence and it might hurt your chances.
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I dunno. Nervous people do find spouses. They really do. So I wouldn’t worry about being nervous – your nervousness is a sign to her that you care.
 
Joe5859 said:

“I know it’s tempting to want to view everything through the parameters of “mate selection” (and please don’t use that phrase around women! ).”

Yeah, it sounds like you’ll be checking for a wet nose, shiny fur, good birthing hips, and adequate glandular tissue for feeding your babies. Not romantic!
 
There are so many guys who flirt but never take the step of asking a girl out. It used to be not a big deal. Ironic how since sex became more casual, a simple date takes on all this weight.

At the very least it is a compliment to be asked out. And you are just showing you are a man who respects a woman enough not to be ambiguous. I always had a rule that I’d accept a date if asked unless the guy cursed or was wearing gang colors.
 
phil19304 said:

"If you are nervous, the next time you speak to her after Mass, say to her “Would like to get a cup of coffee with me, if you can’t now perhaps another day?”.

That’s good, but I’d revise it slightly to. “Would you like to get a cup of coffee with me after Mass today or later in the week?” You do not want to give an opening for her to say she never wants to have coffee with you, ever, ever, ever.
 
moon1234 said:
If you are sure she likes you, as you indicated, then just ask. Waiting can be seen as a sign of rejection as well. You are 25 not 65. If she does not bite, then you are out nothing.

I met my wife by making an off color remark about her in front of her friends. She can over and slapped me in the face. I asked her out the same day and she said yes. We have been married for 14 years.

Take a chance.
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To the OP: That’s not the preferred approach. But if it feels right go with it:D
 
The good news is you’re talking to her. Always a plus, especially before you ask her out for coffee.

So many guys crash and burn because they ask a girl/woman out before she even knows who they are.
 
Joe_5859 said:
I would say that the best thing you can do is not to put so much pressure on yourself.

I can empathize. I spent far too many hours of my youth puffing up the most minor of chance encounters with women as though the entirety of my future happiness was riding on the most mundane of interpersonal interactions. With that kind of pressure, it was little wonder that I was paralyzed with fear around any girl I was remotely interested in.

So my advice is “Lighten up.” If you ask her out and she says no, you will not die. The world will not stop. It will keep turning. Your life will move forward. And you will be fine.

I know it’s tempting to want to view everything through the parameters of “mate selection” (and please don’t use that phrase around women! :p). But you will do yourself a favor to dial it down a notch when it comes to expectations. If you have only chatted a few times over the past month, then you need to get to know each other much better before any “mate selecting” will be taking place. So simply look at it as an opportunity to get to know a member of the opposite sex and see where things might go. You’re just asking her out on a date, not asking her to be your wife. Relax! 🙂
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That seems like very good advice.

While studying Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I was told a person would need to be submitted a million times before he or she would develop the skills to merit awarding of a Black Belt. Can you try to simply view this as an opportunity to learn; one of countless you will have throughout your life? You hardly know the young lady, so try to relax. She may have all kinds of “turn-offs”, maybe even horrifying, dark secrets such as owning multiple cats.
 
“She may have all kinds of “turn-offs”, maybe even horrifying, dark secrets such as owning multiple cats.”

Ha!
 
bsf said:
That seems like very good advice.

While studying Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I was told a person would need to be submitted a million times before he or she would develop the skills to merit awarding of a Black Belt. Can you try to simply view this as an opportunity to learn; one of countless you will have throughout your life? You hardly know the young lady, so try to relax. She may have all kinds of “turn-offs”, maybe even horrifying, dark secrets such as owning multiple cats.
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Despite the tone of my first post, I view this exclusively as a learning experience. Marriage is the end-game if and only if everything else that happens before works out in accord with God’s plans for both of us. So it’s more a discerning exercise, really. And a necessary growing-up moment for me.

It’s just a highly valuable one in my eyes since I don’t meet very many Catholic women my own age who are single and interested in me.
 
rkwittem said:
Despite the tone of my first post, I view this exclusively as a learning experience. Marriage is the end-game if and only if everything else that happens before works out in accord with God’s plans for both of us. So it’s more a discerning exercise, really. And a necessary growing-up moment for me.

It’s just a highly valuable one in my eyes since I don’t meet very many Catholic women my own age who are single and interested in me.
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That’s good to hear. Just don’t view her as a learning experience. 😉

There’s nothing to do but to do it. 👍
 
rkwittem said:
…
After a lengthy discussion I had on here, I talked to a priest and got some counseling on the matter, both from professionals and close friends I trust. These factors have all contributed to me doing a complete 180. However, I missed out on a lot of good chances at getting experience in the personalbrelationship dept, particularly with women, so I’m way behind compared to most of my peers. (I’m 25). I have prayed a great deal on this matter as I regard discernment my #1 goal at the moment. I am getting the sense in prayer that my future lies in married life…
Click to expand...
All sounds good RK. You haven’t missed out on so much…plenty of us were late starters in the dating department! Please keep “discernment” way in the back of your mind for now. Just aim to have a pleasant/fun outing. If you see anything good at the movies, please let me know…
Cheers
 
Caroline723 said:
There are so many guys who flirt but never take the step of asking a girl out. It used to be not a big deal. Ironic how since sex became more casual, a simple date takes on all this weight.
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A lot of guys who flirt probably do not even realize they are doing it because they are more confident around women they are not interested in dating.
 
Does your parish have pancake Sundays or at least donut Sundays? If so, you can always ask her if she is going after Mass and say, “I’m buying”. Better yet, don’t mention buying, stand next to her and say, “I got this.” If your parish only has donut Sundays, donate for the both of you. The point is, take advantage of what the parish offers as a way to sit and talk further.

I would ask her to go to a movie, rather than coffee. It sounds like more fun and you can also add in a bite to eat or an ice cream. Ask her what she likes to do after Mass. You can probably get an idea if she would like to get to know you better. Or just ask her if she would like to go to a movie after Mass next Sunday. Or, just ask her if she would like to go for breakfast or lunch right as you are talking. That is the way many people make friends in their parish anyway, breakfast or lunch after Mass.

She might have family obligations on some Sundays, so be patient.

By the way, you sound like the kind of guy I was hoping to find when I was 25. I really, really wanted a nice guy who had not “been around”. You are sure to meet someone who appreciates that in you.
 
Xantippe said:
“She may have all kinds of “turn-offs”, maybe even horrifying, dark secrets such as owning multiple cats.”

Ha!
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When my wife and I started dating she owned multiple cats. I’m allergic to cats. She made her choice and sent the cats to live with her parents.

After 18 years of marriage, my father-in-law still blames me for the cats. 😛
 
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