Talking with teenagers about sex

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Yikes… I think I should call her mother.
One of the teenagers from down the street babysits my children from time to time. She has always been a very resonsible girl. We have known the family for years. They also attend our parish. I asked her to watch the little ones this afternoon when she got home from school so I could run a few quick errands. When I came home she was helping me bring in the grocery bags and her purse dropped and (oh the awkwardness) what spilled out of her bag… yea those. (condoms). I marched her inside , sat her down, had a 20 mintute talk with her about what her intentions were . She told me they are for just in case, and that she has not actually slept with her boyfriend but is thinking about it.(she is a sophmore and he is a senior) (I know her boyfriends parents, they are also parishiners at our parish).
I believe she was telling me the truth that she was only thinking about it and had not yet done anything. I really surprised my self, I was very calm about it. I asked her if she thought she was going to marry this young man, and what she planned on doing if one of those condoms didn’t work, and she became pregnant, I think I went on on and on a bit to much, but I made my point. When she left she asked if I was going to call her parents. I told her I probably would and that she she go home and talk to them about it first.
Should I go ahead and call her parents, I am friendly with her mom but this is a whole different level. I don’t know how she will react knowing that I know this about her daughter. Should I call the boys parents . Should I just stay out of it. This situation is soooooo awkward. But I don’t want those to kids to make a really big mistake.
 
I’m not sure it was your place to do anything. I agree that she is in the wrong for even thinking about it, but as a parent, I wouldn’t want my neighbor telling my kid what to do, even if you are friendly with the mom, which doesn’t make it sound like you are really close.
It would be different if she were your niece, but just a girl from church. Even if she is your babysitter, I don’t know, I think you might have overstepped with this one.
I would stay out of it. Now, if she did go home and talk to her mom and she calls you, then of course tell her everything you said. But I wouldn’t call the parents.
Maybe someone else will give you better advise. I’m trying to think about our babysitter and what I would do, I think I would just tell her to talk to her parents or her priest. I don’t think I would have lectured her, it wouldn’t be my place. That’s just my opinion.
 
I’d talk to the parents. Both parents. Wouldn’t you want to know?

There are kids who say they decided NOT to have sex simply because their parents talked to them about it.
 
kage_ar said:
I’d talk to the parents. Both parents. Wouldn’t you want to know?

There are kids who say they decided NOT to have sex simply because their parents talked to them about it.
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That’s true. Parents have a huge influence on their kids - but they can’t influence what they don’t know - and kids always start out with the assumption that their parents were born old - that they wouldn’t understand.
 
kage_ar said:
I’d talk to the parents. Both parents. Wouldn’t you want to know?

There are kids who say they decided NOT to have sex simply because their parents talked to them about it.
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I think it’s one thing to tell the parents, but the part that has bothered me is her talking to her for 20 mins. and asking all kinds of questions. I guess I feel that’s the mother’s role, not the neighbors. Maybe I’m wrong. But I don’t think I would be very happy if one of our neighbors took it upon themselves to discuss sex with my teenage daughter.
 
I wouldn’t call the boys parents, that is not your place, really, Mia. I think it’s great that you talked to her, but I can see happymommy’s point, too. However, if I wasn’t parenting well in this regard, maybe I’d be happy someone gave her good advice.

It’s a very hard spot to be in. Never know if the parents of this girl talked to her about this, and told her to carry condoms. I mean, a number of things are possible.

I probably would talk to the mom…maybe have lunch with her one day…and casually bring this up. I wouldn’t make a point of jumping on the phone because this will put the daughter in an awkward spot. I hope she chooses not to go through with it. But, talking to her mom is a good idea. If you lose a friend over it, so be it. At least she will know what’s going on.
 
I wouldn’t say a word to her parents. I don’t think it’s your place, either. It’s a tuff situation to be in, I understand that. I think it is nice to talk to her, but all the questions, IMHO, was unnecessary. Bringing a few points like a baby was a good idea. But really, kids think we, as adults, are stupid as is, so lecturing them has never been something that really worked.
 
I should probably clarify a little, I didnt “lecture her”. I simply asked her what her intentions were , since she was obviously embarressed that I knew what was up. I sat down with her to talk about it because I didnt want her to think that I was just going to jump to any conclusions about what she was and was not doing. or run to phone and call her mother which was the first thing she asked when I saw the “particulars” fall out of her bag. So I asked her what was going on. She told me and I then reminded her of a few things that would get her thinking.
 
I’ve got three teens.

I would certainly want you to call me. Tell me what you said, so I can either reinforce or undo, depending.

I don’t think anybody would condone an 17-18 year old man trying to have sex with a fourteen year old girl. Give me a break! You did the right thing.
 
I have 4 teens, (3 girls, 1 boy) and I can also say that I WOULD want to know what you saw if it were one of mine. And I would not object to your discussing it with them, as long as I knew what was discussed as well. I think most parents would appreciate the heads up so they might have the opportunity to prevent a potential problem, or take steps necessary if one already exists.
Just my:twocents:
 
PaulinVA said:
I’ve got three teens.

I would certainly want you to call me. Tell me what you said, so I can either reinforce or undo, depending.

I don’t think anybody would condone an 17-18 year old man trying to have sex with a fourteen year old girl. Give me a break! You did the right thing.
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That’s the problem to begin with…these parents allowing a senior to date their sophomore daughter (really that is 15 to 16 yr old range) But still. If the parents don’t seem to care about that, it can explain a lot.

Mia–please update us ok with what you do? I’d be interested to hear how you end up handling this.
 
I think it is good that she has these. Although it may be considered bad, if this girl is considering having sex, why shouldn’t she have something that could possibly save her life?
Talking to the parents personally would probably create problems. So just encourage her to speak with her parents. Tell her that sex is a very emotional thing, something not to be taken lightly.
This is my advice, and although many may not agree with me, I feel this way you will be helping her the most.
 
Kat876 said:
I think it is good that she has these. Although it may be considered bad, if this girl is considering having sex, why shouldn’t she have something that could possibly save her life?
Talking to the parents personally would probably create problems. So just encourage her to speak with her parents. Tell her that sex is a very emotional thing, something not to be taken lightly.
This is my advice, and although many may not agree with me, I feel this way you will be helping her the most.
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I disagree that a condom could save her life. The failure rate of those that are even used “correctly” is high. Don’t tell me 2 hot and heavy teens know how to use one “correctly”! :cool:

I am the mother of 3 teen (boys). I would be grateful if someone brought this to my attention! 👍

Having sex will create many, many, MANY more problems than talking to the parents!!:eek:
 
from a teenager’s perspective- don’t tell the parents (betchya never saw that one coming)

If I were in her situation, and you told my parents, it would go the opposite way. I would feel as if I couldn’t trust adults, that my parents didn’t trust my ability to make decisions, I would take a walk and come up with secret ways to rebel. (drinking, drugs, cutting, selling my soul to the devil- who knows) Back in my sophomore year I wanted to feel in control, sort of break free from all the parental restrictions I had as a kid. I’m sure not all kids are like this, but that’s just my 0.02 coming from how I lived my life.

Do you two get along well? You could let her know that if she ever needs anyone to talk to- you’re there for her, etc. She probably wants to be loved and accepted more than anything. 🤷

I’m also curious to see how this situation plays out.
 
raindr0ps said:
from a teenager’s perspective- don’t tell the parents (betchya never saw that one coming)

If I were in her situation, and you told my parents, it would go the opposite way. I would feel as if I couldn’t trust adults, that my parents didn’t trust my ability to make decisions, I would take a walk and come up with secret ways to rebel. (drinking, drugs, cutting, selling my soul to the devil- who knows) Back in my sophomore year I wanted to feel in control, sort of break free from all the parental restrictions I had as a kid. I’m sure not all kids are like this, but that’s just my 0.02 coming from how I lived my life.

Do you two get along well? You could let her know that if she ever needs anyone to talk to- you’re there for her, etc. She probably wants to be loved and accepted more than anything. 🤷

I’m also curious to see how this situation plays out.
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I’m trying to understand a teenager’s perspective on this one: you’d go the opposite way and do things to hurt yourself - drugs, alcohol, dealing drugs, selling your soul to the devil (how does one do that? ) etc - simply because somebody cared enough to express her concerns to your parents? Does it feel “cool” to hurt oneself like that?

Sex is an instinct and those who indulge in it do it for pleasure. Some love the persons they do it with, some don’t. Some are willing to wait until they meet the right person they would like to spend the rest of their lives with, others aren’t. Some are fully aware of the negative consequences of sex (STD, unwanted pregnancies), others are not so conscious of the fact that even contraceptives are not 100% reliable. So it is quite far fetched to say that the young indulge in sex because they feel a need for ? parental love more than anything else. People/teens with the best parents in the world, still feel driven by the sex instinct.

What would it take an adult to convince a teenager to be conscious of long term consequences of their actions, on themselves and on those who love them?

Your perspective as a teenager is very welcome!
 
From what I read you did a good job with the girl. No hysterics, no condemnation, etc. You gave her a chance to talk with her parents first. A chat with the girl’s mom is in order.

As a lifeguard I would see kids of former classmates at the pool all the time. Only once did I have to call a parent about a boy’s behavior. Grown ups talking to other grown ups is how a community keeps its values and morals. When kids know they have multiple eyes watching them they will behave better.

A final thought, perhaps it was this child’s guardian angel that helped the purse drop and spill its contents 👍
 
Raindrops, I hope you print out your answer and put it away somewhere and take it out and read it when you are 35.

Then you will truly understand why parents don’t trust teens to make decisions. The impulsivity and reactionary behavior teens display can lead to tragedy and long-term consequences that often the parents have to pay for as well.

And when you are a parent you will see that the “control” they are exerting is for your protection until such a time that you can consider all consequences and not say “up” just because someone else said “down.”

Your point of view is appreciated as it is a perfect insight into how the teen mind works. But that is why we parents freak out. We were where you were once. You have never been where we are. Yeah, I know that annoys you all. But it’s true.

You are right that the girl wants to be loved and accepted. And for every girl who wants to be loved and accepted, there’s about 45 teenage boys willing to take on the job. And not always out of mutual love.

And that’s what parents are for… to protect children from those who would take advantage of their vulnerability. What you see as restrictions is more like protection.

I say that as the parent of three teens. It’s sad that teens can’t see the love behind that battle of wills.

If I were the lady who hired the babysitter, I’d worry that she was planning to use my house for that get-together. (Wouldn’t be the first time that happened in history.)

As the mother of teenagers, I’d want to know if someone else spoke to my child and what they knew. It is hard when you’re a parent and everyone keeps a secret and when it blows open, they’re not the ones who have to fix things.

As for the teenager possibly being angry that she couldn’t trust adults… that’s a two-way street. What about the adults who trust her and believe she is living according to the values she’s been taught and instead she’s sneaking behind their back. It really annoys me when people who are being deceitful and sneaky get all angry when other people find out what they’re doing and betray that “oh so precious trust.” 🤷

The kids who are given genuine independence and trust are the ones who earn it and who show they can handle freedom responsibly. Those who seize it, rebel in foolish ways and sneak around justify all the doubts that led to those restrictions in the first place.

Just giving it from the adult’s perspective.

Keep this and read it in a few years and see if it doesn’t make better sense to you. Adults aren’t the enemy.
😉
 
Highwayhound said:
From what I read you did a good job with the girl. No hysterics, no condemnation, etc. You gave her a chance to talk with her parents first. A chat with the girl’s mom is in order.

As a lifeguard I would see kids of former classmates at the pool all the time. Only once did I have to call a parent about a boy’s behavior. Grown ups talking to other grown ups is how a community keeps its values and morals. When kids know they have multiple eyes watching them they will behave better.

A final thought, perhaps it was this child’s guardian angel that helped the purse drop and spill its contents 👍
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I think the OP did the right thing, too. Sometimes it can help a lot to hear those good messages from adults other than your parents. I know when I was a teenager I used to think my mom was just trying to drive me crazy - I might actually have listened more to a concerned neighbor!

As far as telling her parents - that’s tough, but probably the right thing to do. I do think they need to be made aware that their daughter is having sex, if they aren’t already.
 
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