M
MonicasTears
Guest
My youngest daughter of four is 17. She is involved with a non Catholic girl she met in High School her freshman year. I became suspicious that this friendship was more than friends when they would spend excessive time on the phone and their body language was “flirtatious”. The girl came to church with us, and spent time at our house, but, there was something off about her interaction with the family, especially me. She was the pursuer at first. I began to limit their time together and had a couple discussions with them about inappropriate behavior. This led to them becoming more secretive and hiding their conversations. Their relationship became intense and obviously concerning about 4 months after they first met.
That was 21 months ago. Our journey has been painful. Our daughter is now a Junior and at her 3rd High School in attempts to find the right place for her. We are faithful Catholics that homeschooled or sent the kids to Catholic school for most of their lives. Our oldest children believe in chastity and are probably more rooted in the faith than their father and I. At a critical time in this daughter’s upbringing, we were struggling as a family with my husband’s alcoholism and the recovery that goes with it. It was several years of job losses for him, financial crisis including bankruptcy and food stamps, and a mom that was absent as I was working 3 jobs in attempts to “save the family”. My own recovery was only by God’s grace as I was contributing to this family disease as much as my husband. I would say that I sacrificed being there for my daughter in a way she really needed me… and now we are paying a hefty price. While the active alcoholism has subsided, the effects continue.
My daughter says she never felt a connection to God. She felt “nothing” when she received her First Holy Communion or her Confirmation. She feels “nothing” when she goes to Mass, and admits to no prayer life. She has been brought up in the church, attending Mass, Youth Group, etc. Saying that, though, she was also exposed to the secular world as we know it. TV shows, songs with explicit lyrics, etc. She was particularly attracted to the secular world. I was unaware about how she felt about her faith until this SSA issue came up. I spent the first year after the discovery in stages of grief, denial, despair, anger, and sorrow. I have researched, prayed, sought counsel, visited our pastor. We learned about the Apolstolate EnCourage. We were firm in our discipline in that her dishonesty would lead to a loss of privileges. No phone, no computer, no iPod… There were times that I thought things were improving. She would eventually earn her privileges back. But, what was really going on was she was going back underground with the relationship.
My daughter has never claimed herself a lesbian, saying it is a “special relationship” with this particular person. She never showed signs of this in her younger years, and in fact says she was “disgusted” when she saw homosexuality portrayed on tv. I believe she was vulnerable and was preyed on by an older teenager that had claimed herself as gay. This young lady was sexually abused, abandoned by her parents, and raised by lesbian women. We did not know this until it was too late. Now my daughter has been fed lies about our family that we are bigoted, prejudice, hate filled people that want to keep her from her happiness. Her counselor says this behavior is due to her being in cognitive dissonance, or unacceptable conflict by having SSA and being Catholic.
Most recently, she snuck out under the pretenses she was with some new friends and ended up spending the night with this girl. They did in fact have a sexual encounter. I only know this due to the discovery of her phone and their documentation of the secret meeting. We spent the last week in turmoil. Again seeking the guidance of two priests, praying heavily, and pulling her privileges yet again.
Our family is at some peace after almost 10 days of prayer and spiritual counsel. One thing we realize is we can not control her feelings, beliefs, or actions. We are suffering and will do our best to unite that to the cross. She is willing to speak to the priests, but, remains somewhat defiant and firm that she doesn’t agree with the church. I will never be able to condone this relationship. But, I don’t want to lose my daughter. I want her to know I will always love her, but, can’t compromise what the Church teaches.
I am seeking prayers, as well as suggestions of books, retreats, or any other resources to help with this situation. We have exposed her to the Theology of the Body for Teens, though I don’t think she was engaged in it. She attends our youth group, though it is not a very big or vibrant group.
Interesting to note, her confirmation saint is St. Monica. We are asking both her, St. Augustine, her son, whose feast day is her birthday, and especially the Blessed Mother to intercede for her and our family as we walk this very difficult path.
Sorry for the length of this post. But, I appreciate having an avenue to seek support.
Thank you, and God Bless.
That was 21 months ago. Our journey has been painful. Our daughter is now a Junior and at her 3rd High School in attempts to find the right place for her. We are faithful Catholics that homeschooled or sent the kids to Catholic school for most of their lives. Our oldest children believe in chastity and are probably more rooted in the faith than their father and I. At a critical time in this daughter’s upbringing, we were struggling as a family with my husband’s alcoholism and the recovery that goes with it. It was several years of job losses for him, financial crisis including bankruptcy and food stamps, and a mom that was absent as I was working 3 jobs in attempts to “save the family”. My own recovery was only by God’s grace as I was contributing to this family disease as much as my husband. I would say that I sacrificed being there for my daughter in a way she really needed me… and now we are paying a hefty price. While the active alcoholism has subsided, the effects continue.
My daughter says she never felt a connection to God. She felt “nothing” when she received her First Holy Communion or her Confirmation. She feels “nothing” when she goes to Mass, and admits to no prayer life. She has been brought up in the church, attending Mass, Youth Group, etc. Saying that, though, she was also exposed to the secular world as we know it. TV shows, songs with explicit lyrics, etc. She was particularly attracted to the secular world. I was unaware about how she felt about her faith until this SSA issue came up. I spent the first year after the discovery in stages of grief, denial, despair, anger, and sorrow. I have researched, prayed, sought counsel, visited our pastor. We learned about the Apolstolate EnCourage. We were firm in our discipline in that her dishonesty would lead to a loss of privileges. No phone, no computer, no iPod… There were times that I thought things were improving. She would eventually earn her privileges back. But, what was really going on was she was going back underground with the relationship.
My daughter has never claimed herself a lesbian, saying it is a “special relationship” with this particular person. She never showed signs of this in her younger years, and in fact says she was “disgusted” when she saw homosexuality portrayed on tv. I believe she was vulnerable and was preyed on by an older teenager that had claimed herself as gay. This young lady was sexually abused, abandoned by her parents, and raised by lesbian women. We did not know this until it was too late. Now my daughter has been fed lies about our family that we are bigoted, prejudice, hate filled people that want to keep her from her happiness. Her counselor says this behavior is due to her being in cognitive dissonance, or unacceptable conflict by having SSA and being Catholic.
Most recently, she snuck out under the pretenses she was with some new friends and ended up spending the night with this girl. They did in fact have a sexual encounter. I only know this due to the discovery of her phone and their documentation of the secret meeting. We spent the last week in turmoil. Again seeking the guidance of two priests, praying heavily, and pulling her privileges yet again.
Our family is at some peace after almost 10 days of prayer and spiritual counsel. One thing we realize is we can not control her feelings, beliefs, or actions. We are suffering and will do our best to unite that to the cross. She is willing to speak to the priests, but, remains somewhat defiant and firm that she doesn’t agree with the church. I will never be able to condone this relationship. But, I don’t want to lose my daughter. I want her to know I will always love her, but, can’t compromise what the Church teaches.
I am seeking prayers, as well as suggestions of books, retreats, or any other resources to help with this situation. We have exposed her to the Theology of the Body for Teens, though I don’t think she was engaged in it. She attends our youth group, though it is not a very big or vibrant group.
Interesting to note, her confirmation saint is St. Monica. We are asking both her, St. Augustine, her son, whose feast day is her birthday, and especially the Blessed Mother to intercede for her and our family as we walk this very difficult path.
Sorry for the length of this post. But, I appreciate having an avenue to seek support.
Thank you, and God Bless.
