Teen daughter has a girlfriend

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sarah_g

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I have posted in the past about my daughter having same sex attractions. For the past 2 months she and another girl at school have decided to “date.” They have been friends since last year. I thought this other girl was straight. I found this out through texts. (I check my daughter’s phone because she has been suicidal in the past)

I have told my daughter that this is a bad idea and I feel she should not be engaged in this kind of relationship. She knows I stand by my Catholic beliefs on same sex attraction. I know there is not much they can do, they are only in 8th grade and do not see each other out of school. But I’m having a hard time conveying to her that God loves her, yet acting on these feelings is wrong. Every time I try to explain myself I get flustered and she starts crying. I understand she cannot help these feeling and it breaks my heart to tell her they are not what she should be feeling.
 
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Yes I have already read that article. I have also already spoken to my pastor.

My daughter is in counseling right now and was recently put on an anti depressant because counseling for several months was not helping her depression.

She doesn’t have a strong relationship with God right now and this is part of the problem…although I feel she may be coming around a little.
 
We will keep her in our prayers in the prayer intentions subforum! 🙂
 
sarah_g said:
I have told my daughter that this is a bad idea and I feel she should not be engaged in this kind of relationship. She knows I stand by my Catholic beliefs on same sex attraction. I know there is not much they can do, they are only in 8th grade and do not see each other out of school. But I’m having a hard time conveying to her that God loves her, yet acting on these feelings is wrong. Every time I try to explain myself I get flustered and she starts crying. I understand she cannot help these feeling and it breaks my heart to tell her they are not what she should be feeling.
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It’s hard to comment on these situations on here because in the past, reasonable comments that do not go against any Church teachings have been removed because, even if the comment gets 20 likes, a few people flagged because they thought the comment did not condemn the behavior enough. So the threads tend to end up very biased in a harsh direction. Nevertheless…

You have already made clear your position to your daughter that this is a bad idea and that it’s against Church teaching. You’ve also limited your daughter’s contact with the other girl as they do not see each other out of school, and you’ve gotten counseling help for your daughter. I think you have done all the right things here, and all you can do, and at this point you perhaps have to place it in God’s hands. Explaining and repeating your position over and over is likely to provide diminishing returns. I know the impulse is probably to try again and again to explain because you felt you didn’t express yourself fully or properly the first time and/or you’re hoping that one of your explanations will reach your daughter, but it’s more likely just going to result in more moments of upset for you and your daughter and not change her mind.

Just love your daughter, continue to impose reasonable boundaries given her age and her psych issues, and stand firm in your beliefs. The rest is up to God.
 
I consider myself a fairly easy-rule parent when it came to dating–my younger daughter started dating her future husband when she was14 and he was 17! Many other parents in our Evangelical Protestant church were horrified!

I can understand their disapproval, and I’m just going to make the comment that I really don’t think most teens should be dating in 8th grade. To me, the issue is not “straight vs. gay.” The issue is getting involved in a “romantic” relationship too early in life!

Would your daughter be willing to delay “dating” until she is 16, and concentrate on making friends of both sexes, with no romance involved–just companionship, friendship, all of the group of friends getting involved together with school life, studying together, doing school projects together , getting involved together in volunteering with local charities and community projects, possibly getting involved together with political activity (an election is coming up and plenty of hands are needed at the local campaign activities!), doing sports or arts with friends, just hanging out with friends at each other’s houses, or at the local parks and teen hangouts like Starbucks or whatever is popular in your area (assuming that it’s safe and not involved in illegal activities).

And of course, looking for a job–a lot of 14-year-olds babysit, or work at fast-food places that hire 14-year olds (if a 14-year old can get a work permit in your town/city–it is in our city).

To me, these are activities that are age-appropriate for teens under the age of 15/16. Dating should, in most cases, be delayed until the teen is at least 16. My daughter was quite mature (she was working at a Subway by the time she was 14, and travelling overseas with her sports team and without her parents–we couldn’t afford to go!). Her boyfriend was awesome, and we honestly suspected that they were right for each other and would end up getting married–and we were right!).

But most teens, at least in my opinion, should not be dating at all until they are older. 16 is a traditional “start dating” age.

JMO, and I hope it’s helpful. I realize that parents, not online strangers, know their child best. 🙂
 
She seems to have friends of both genders, not a huge amount but enough. She has a good friend in our neighborhood who she has known since preschool and they seem to be hanging out a lot lately. This girl is a great friend and has wonderful parents. In general she has social anxiety so I don’t know how comfortable she would be hanging out with a group in public. We are working on that.

I have told her she is too young to date, although she reminds me that her brother had a "girlfriend " in 8th grade, although it was more like a crush and ended after a month.
 
sarah_g said:
although she reminds me that her brother had a "girlfriend " in 8th grade, although it was more like a crush and ended after a month.
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I think for young teens in general, this is usually the case. There are exceptions like Peeps’ daughter meeting a future husband at age 14, but generally relationships don’t last too long. Plus, if people are only seeing each other at school, then “dating” is going to be very limited and is likely going to mainly consist of lots and lots of conversation.
 
Have you talked to your daughter about the naturalness of close, non-sexual, intimate friendships?

For some reason, over the past 30ish years there is an idea that all intimacy is sexual. It is so normal for girls to have the feelings of a crush on another girl, same for men, but we do not have any place to categorize those feelings so teens consider it sexual.

Right now I am failing at novels or books that describe intimate female friendships (forum, help me out!!). In Scripture the Ruth and Naomi passages show this sort of friendship as does Johnathan and David for young men. (Great novel that looks at close male friendship is “Brideshead Revisited”)

To know her feelings are not evil, not sinful, and that she MAY simply be longing for a close friend is something to toss around. Now, she may have been born homosexual. And for that case, as well as for hetrosexual teens, it is wisest to leave intense romance until you are better understanding yourself as you mature.
 
TheLittleLady said:
To know her feelings are not evil, not sinful, and that she MAY simply be longing for a close friend is something to toss around.
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I agree with this - society nowadays sees all intimate friendship between same-sex people as sexual/ gay, and encourages young teens to see it, and themselves, in that way as well. It’s trendy to be gay at this point in time. The young person may very well not be gay, and this may be a phase before transitioning to dating the opposite gender.

I have seen/ experienced with my own eyes, as well as read about, many younger teen girls going through this phase of romantic attachment to another girl or even crushing on an older female such as a teacher. At single-sex high schools, this stuff is all over the place. Some young people actually are gay and continue to be gay as adults. Others realize at some point that they aren’t gay and their feelings for the other girl were just a super close friendship, or a sexual confusion that resolved itself with time.

I don’t know how long this comment will stay up because like I said when I’ve posted similar in the past, it was flagged and removed for allegedly not taking the concern about a gay child seriously enough.
TheLittleLady said:
Right now I am failing at novels or books that describe intimate female friendships (forum, help me out!!).
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Diary of Anne Frank, for one. Which also shows that a young girl who isn’t gay can experience some sexual confusion in the context of a close friendship with girls her age.
 
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Yes, we have talked about intense female relationships. I talk but I don’t know how much gets through. I do know that she finds some singers & actresses attractive also. She has extremely low self esteem…constantly calling herself ugly and fat. She has always been a tomboy. I try to engage her in more feminine activites but usually she isn’t interested.
 
Being a tomboy or interested in “feminine activites” has nothing to do with whether a girl is gay or not.
There are tomboys who are gay and tomboys who are straight.
There are very feminine girls who are gay and very feminine girls who are straight.
 
I agree with the advice upthread to stop having discussions where you get flustered and she gets upset, because it’s not helpful to either of you. Listen to her if she wants to talk, encourage her you’re always there for her and tell her you love her no matter what.
sarah_g said:
I try to engage her in more feminine activites but usually she isn’t interested.
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Please don’t do this. Try to encourage her to pursue activities she enjoys, and support her in them. Her self-esteem won’t grow if she feels as though her mother would prefer her to be someone else (whether that be due to her interests, her sexuality or anything else).
 
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I have done this at the suggestion of some on the EnCourage site. Some have suggested this to show her genuine femininity. I am not forcing any activities on her, just making suggestions. I do not make her feel bad if she doesn’t want to engage in them.

Thank you to all for the suggestions and encouragement.
 
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Genuine femininity is different for each woman. It is not about fitting a mold of long skirts and long hair and pink lip gloss.

I am genuinely feminine in my fantasy colored faux hawk wearing black 90% of the time, loving some blue lipstick. Another woman is genuinely feminine with dreadlocks and a pierced eyebrow.
 
sarah_g said:
genuine femininity
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Genuine femininity is simply a female being herself and doing what she wants to do, whether that’s dress up like Cinderella at the ball, cook a gourmet meal, run a marathon, put on flannel shirt and go camping, pick up a tool kit and work on her car, or fly jets for the military.
 
Yes that is true.

This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I love my daughter immensely and want to guide her on the right path. I have zero experience helping someone to navigate through these feelings . I feel like I’m failing.
 
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