Teenage boy afraid to go to Confession

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mandajane

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Hey everyone.

I just had a quick question - My FH’s 15 year old brother is having issues with going to confession. He went a few months ago, to a priest that was friends with his mother. While the priest didn’t tell her what he confessed to, his mother interrogated him as to why he went to confession afterward. He is terrified to mention that he needs/wants to go, because apparently every time his mother finds out, she takes him, but demands he tell her what he confessed.

It’s to the point now where he’d rather just avoid confession completely. I want to offer to take him with me next time I go, but he’s worried his mother will hear about it through the grapevine and come after him again.

Is there anything I or my FH can do, besides take him to confession with us? What should my FH say to his mother in this regard, if anything? I worry that it’s going to have a severely negative impact on the boy in question if confession becomes a source of fear, and something to be avoided in his mind.
 
mandajane said:
Hey everyone.

I just had a quick question - My FH’s 15 year old brother is having issues with going to confession. He went a few months ago, to a priest that was friends with his mother. While the priest didn’t tell her what he confessed to, his mother interrogated him as to why he went to confession afterward. He is terrified to mention that he needs/wants to go, because apparently every time his mother finds out, she takes him, but demands he tell her what he confessed.

It’s to the point now where he’d rather just avoid confession completely. I want to offer to take him with me next time I go, but he’s worried his mother will hear about it through the grapevine and come after him again.

Is there anything I or my FH can do, besides take him to confession with us? What should my FH say to his mother in this regard, if anything? I worry that it’s going to have a severely negative impact on the boy in question if confession becomes a source of fear, and something to be avoided in his mind.
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No matter what it takes, that mother MUST be stopped. She has not right on her child conscience turning confession into gossip.
 
mandajane said:
Is there anything I or my FH can do, besides take him to confession with us? What should my FH say to his mother in this regard, if anything? I worry that it’s going to have a severely negative impact on the boy in question if confession becomes a source of fear, and something to be avoided in his mind.
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Hi Mandajane; thank you for your post.

The problem is not with the boy, but with the mother, who is guilty of a very serious injustice towards the conscience of the boy and the sacrament itself. Someone needs to have some serious words with her, because she is not only guilty of violating canon law but also in danger of serious mortal sin: "(Code of Canon Law, No. 983.2)…to violate the secrecy of another person’s confession is a mortal sin and warrants “a just penalty, not excluding excommunication” (No. 1388.2; cf. catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0059.html). This canon refers directly to lay people too; it’s not just the priest who is under the seal of the confessional.

This woman’s intrusion into the boy’s right to sacramental secrecy sounds, quite frankly, perverse. For the sake of her own soul, she needs to be sat down and spoken to.

Once the mother is chastened, then there will be opportunity to help this boy recover his sense of the beauty of the sacrament. I would also sugegst taking him, if he will go again, to a priest unknown to the mother or the parish priest so that his conscience is not burdened by this fear of betrayal.

Good luck; you are all in my prayers.

Steve
 
Just show the mother the story of St John Nepomucene if you want to underline just what a Really Bad Thing ™ it is to pry too much into what another person confesses.

More seriously, my mother used to be a little like that - until I as gently as possible explained that, while I always made sure to apologise and make up to her and my Dad if I ever sinned against them, my confessions otherwise were between me, the priest and God - and other people if I sinned against them.

Maybe the young gent would have luck with this sort of explanation?
 
Teach the mother to stop asking her son about his confessions its not correct but she is probably just worried he may have said stuff about her etc and anxiety issues for the mother here at stake so be gentle in teaching the mother that it is impolite to question her son about his confessions 😃

In between time you can help give the son confidence by learning to say no to interrogations.

Or arrange it for the guy to be able to go to confession at school at the beginning of the day so that he will have lived a full day before seeing his mother

Or get the priest to say to the boy that its okay to miss it for awhile since his confessions aren’t being kept secret through no fault of his own or do confession like spiritual guidence so the boy mayn’t realise it is confession per se so the mother wont pick up on that he has been. He hasn’t been. But really you should get the priest, the boy and the mother to work together on this between them
 
I think both the boy and his mother need to be talked to separately.

The boy needs to understand he is not obliged to tell his mother what he plans to confess and what he actually confesses. Nor should his mother tell him what he should say in the confessional. What the boy says in confession is between him and the priest. The priest cannot even tell his mother what he says no matter how much she may pressure him which would be NOT good. Perhaps, he may wish to go to a different priest and parish to confess if he does not wish to be recognized if he has a a way to get there.

The mother needs to understand her son does go to confession. She does not need to remind him of what he needs to say and then asking him what he said after the fact is signs that she wants control. The mother needs to be told the story of St John Nepomucene who was martyred for the fact that he refused to disclose the confessions of the queen to her husband the king.

This kid’s story reminds of my mother at the Communal Reconciliation services I went to as a child. She would subtly elbow me each time the priest read something she felt applied to me. Unfortunately, I was not allowed to return the favor back and even if I did, it would not have been right. It made me glad when I was old enough to go on my own to confess my sins without her trying to remind me of my shortcomings.
 
mandajane said:
Hey everyone.

I just had a quick question - My FH’s 15 year old brother is having issues with going to confession. He went a few months ago, to a priest that was friends with his mother. While the priest didn’t tell her what he confessed to, his mother interrogated him as to why he went to confession afterward. He is terrified to mention that he needs/wants to go, because apparently every time his mother finds out, she takes him, but demands he tell her what he confessed.

It’s to the point now where he’d rather just avoid confession completely. I want to offer to take him with me next time I go, but he’s worried his mother will hear about it through the grapevine and come after him again.

Is there anything I or my FH can do, besides take him to confession with us? What should my FH say to his mother in this regard, if anything? I worry that it’s going to have a severely negative impact on the boy in question if confession becomes a source of fear, and something to be avoided in his mind.
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This is serious and needs to be addressed as soon as possible. I have a lot of compassion for that young boy whose privacy is being so blatantly violated. It sounds like something the priest can help with. That situation should not be allowed to continue.
 
All the answers here are obviously on the same page.
The only additional suggestion I might have is this.
Depending on the personality of the mother and family relationships, it might be a good idea to involve a priest.
The mother is obviously wrong. She needs this explained to her. IF a gentle intervention by a family member is not sufficient, then contact her pastor and explain the situation. Hopefully he can talk to her and get this matter straightened out.

Peace
James
 
How sad for this young man that he has to worry about whether his mother will find out he went to confession and will be grilled about it later. Unless she brought him to church she shouldn’t and doesn’t need to know he went to confession. Being a 15 year old male has to be difficult enough without this added burden. Thank God you and your FH are there for him.
 
I don’t need to repeat what everyone else has said about this situation, but perhaps the excuse of “regular” confession for advancing in the spiritual life could be used? My priest recommended every two weeks, and I think I read that Padre Pio recommended confession weekly? Perhaps he should ask his priest what would be a good schedule? It’s not just a good “excuse” to give the mother, but it is good for the soul as well!
 
No suggestions, but God bless any 15 yr old boy who really wants to go to confession!!
 
I’m on line with just about everything posted. I’d just like to add that I’ve only recently been able to make a good confession. My family never went, and it’s done serious damage to my relationship with God all these years.
 
TheDoors said:
I’m on line with just about everything posted. I’d just like to add that I’ve only recently been able to make a good confession. My family never went, and it’s done serious damage to my relationship with God all these years.
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I don’t know if my family went or not to confession and it hasn’t made any difference to my confession in that only 2 people apart from the priest that is know I go at all. The way it should be really so why family not going to confession affects your relationship with God. It more that you don’t know whether they go to confession or not. but sorry you feel you had a bad time though
 
This actually sounds really sick to me. It seems she either expects her son has done something horrible that he isn’t telling her about (In which case she needs to take him to a family counselor and not try and make a priest her spy.) or perhaps even worse, she is afraid that he will tell the priest something that SHE did or perhaps her husband. Hopefully that isnt’ the case, but I recall the story of a little girl who was being physically, sexually, and emotionally tortured at home. The school realized something was wrong and asked the woman if they could give the girl services. The mom agreed to it only as long as she could pump the counselor for everything the girl said, right with the girl watching, making sure that the girl was too terrified to say anything incriminating about her step-father and mother. I hope that isn’t what is going on with the OP’s FH’s brother, but that’s why I get creeped out at that kind of thing.
 
mark_a said:
What’s an FH?
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Future Husband.

OP, the priest needs to know this is going on. Make an appointment to talk to him, with your FH and his brother. ASAP. The priest can deal with the mother. The boy should keep his mouth shut, on this issue, he definitely has a right to privacy. But he does need the confession, too, so the priest should reassure him that the confidentiality of the confessional will not be broken.
 
TheDoors said:
I’m on line with just about everything posted. I’d just like to add that I’ve only recently been able to make a good confession. My family never went, and it’s done serious damage to my relationship with God all these years.
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I second that. Mom has issues and she is hurting her son and his Faith with her issues. She needs to leave the boy alone. His confessions are none of her business. Period.
 
Allegra said:
Oh. I assumed that it meant Former Husband. Wow, so if I understand correctly, the woman in question is actually the OP’s future mother-in-law? Yikes! I would start drawing some boundaries now!
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Scary thought…isn’t it?:eek:
 
Yes, the woman in question is my future mother-in-law, or FMIL.

Yes, I have heard 1000 times the need to set boundaries. My FH and I do. Often. She doesn’t like it, but she doesn’t really get a choice. People on this forum have even suggested I rethink my relationship with my FH because of her, which is just silly.

My FH and I spoke with our priest after mass today, and told him of our concerns. He said he would speak to my FH’s mother, so we’ll see how it goes.
 
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