Teenage boy afraid to go to Confession

[TheDoors]

Yes, the woman in question is my future mother-in-law, or FMIL.

Yes, I have heard 1000 times the need to set boundaries. My FH and I do. Often. She doesn’t like it, but she doesn’t really get a choice. People on this forum have even suggested I rethink my relationship with my FH because of her, which is just silly.

My FH and I spoke with our priest after mass today, and told him of our concerns. He said he would speak to my FH’s mother, so we’ll see how it goes.

Well done. A catholic without confession is like a soldier without body armour.

 

[RileyG]

Confession is between this boy, the priest and God. Please talk to the priest.

God Bless

 

[JRKH]

Yes, the woman in question is my future mother-in-law, or FMIL.

Yes, I have heard 1000 times the need to set boundaries. My FH and I do. Often. She doesn’t like it, but she doesn’t really get a choice. People on this forum have even suggested I rethink my relationship with my FH because of her, which is just silly.

My FH and I spoke with our priest after mass today, and told him of our concerns. He said he would speak to my FH’s mother, so we’ll see how it goes.

Hope this goes well…

Sounds like there will probably be “fallout” for you guys though…So you’ll all need to stick together and present a united front to your FMIL for the sake of your FBIL

Peace
James

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Hope this goes well…

Sounds like there will probably be “fallout” for you guys though…So you’ll all need to stick together and present a united front to your FMIL for the sake of your FBIL

Peace
James

Oh wow.

No, they don’t. She has absolutely no business inserting herself in to her fiance’s mom’s relationship with her other son. This is so out of line. Yes, the woman is wrong. But she is the kid’s mother and this is no one else’s concern. If anything the boy should be told to talk to a priest.

The OP later said that she was working on establishing boundaries with her FMIL. Well she needs to respect a few as well. She cannot interfere with the upbringing of her children unless something illegal or physically dangerous is happening. She will want the same respect from MIL when she has children in the future.

 

[mandajane]

Oh wow.

No, they don’t. She has absolutely no business inserting herself in to her fiance’s mom’s relationship with her other son. This is so out of line. Yes, the woman is wrong. But she is the kid’s mother and this is no one else’s concern. If anything the boy should be told to talk to a priest.

The OP later said that she was working on establishing boundaries with her FMIL. Well she needs to respect a few as well. She cannot interfere with the upbringing of her children unless something illegal or physically dangerous is happening. She will want the same respect from MIL when she has children in the future.

Actually, the reason I “inserted myself” was because the teenage boy in question came to me about it. He was worried and didn’t know who else he could talk to, as he was afraid my FH would just immediately report it to his mother. Hence, I came here, asking advice, on how I should proceed with the situation, and what would be out of line.

I’m not exactly one to let someone who’s trying not to cry talking about a problem wander off with a vague “talk to your priest”, and no other help.

 

[Armyvet007]

Hey everyone.

I just had a quick question - My FH’s 15 year old brother is having issues with going to confession. He went a few months ago, to a priest that was friends with his mother. While the priest didn’t tell her what he confessed to, his mother interrogated him as to why he went to confession afterward. He is terrified to mention that he needs/wants to go, because apparently every time his mother finds out, she takes him, but demands he tell her what he confessed.

It’s to the point now where he’d rather just avoid confession completely. I want to offer to take him with me next time I go, but he’s worried his mother will hear about it through the grapevine and come after him again.

Is there anything I or my FH can do, besides take him to confession with us? What should my FH say to his mother in this regard, if anything? I worry that it’s going to have a severely negative impact on the boy in question if confession becomes a source of fear, and something to be avoided in his mind.

1. The mother needs to relearn that what is confessed is between the confessor and God. She’s not on the need to know list.
2. Take him with you to a different Church for confession. If her interference is getting in the way of him confessing then I can not see anything wrong with removing the obstacle [her knowing the local priest] from the equation. When I go to confession, I go to a priest I do not know/will most likely never meet outside of confession. I do this because it allows me to give a fully honest confession without the fear of me not confessing something due to me knowing the priest or someone [like my mom] knowing the priest.

 

[familyof4]

I would normally agree with BlueEyedLady, and stay out of inter-familial conflicts-- except that this one is bordering on abusive. A parent who harangues and harasses a teen to tell them every secret that they have is doing a lot of harm, in this case emotionally and spiritually.

Asking a priest to tactfully intercede with the mother is a good idea, and I’m glad that the OP and her FH talked to their priest about it.

FTR, we take the kids to confession once a month. We let them know that whatever they discuss is between them and God, and the priest won’t say a thing. We’ve never asked them what they’ve discussed, and they’ve never asked what we (the parents) talk about in our confessions.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Though this wrong, there is possibly a good ulterior motive: This mother wants to know what her son does so she may help him, or something to that degree. But being fifteen and getting ready to rejoice at my year anniversary of not having indulged sexual sins for a year, I can promise that this young man will most likely say things that his mother does not want to hear and cannot help him with in the first place, nor would he want her to even try to help. If he wanted help he would have asked for it. I did it by myself. I didn’t want anyone to know about it except God and the Priest. This mother can’t do anything, she’s bordering on mortal sin and even under danger of excommunication, and to be honest, from what I read she seems to be a control freak, which is certainly something to work on. You need to get the Priest to hear his confessions discretely somehow. You do not want this young man to be discouraged from going to confession, and his mother is a huge stumbling block in terms of him going to confession now, or possibly ever. Going to confession is a good thing and when someone is willingly going there despite everything in his brain telling him not to he or she should definitely not have to go through such things. Perhaps you can talk to the mother about it and tell her what she is doing wrong? You are probably obligated to do so since she is in danger of mortal sin and excommunication. She probably doesn’t even know what she is doing is so wrong. Tell her, and if she doesn’t seem to care, you should speak with the Priest and he will take care of the situation.

 

[JRKH]

Actually, the reason I “inserted myself” was because the teenage boy in question came to me about it. He was worried and didn’t know who else he could talk to, as he was afraid my FH would just immediately report it to his mother. Hence, I came here, asking advice, on how I should proceed with the situation, and what would be out of line.

I’m not exactly one to let someone who’s trying not to cry talking about a problem wander off with a vague “talk to your priest”, and no other help.

Peace
James

 

[maltmom]

Actually, the reason I “inserted myself” was because the teenage boy in question came to me about it. He was worried and didn’t know who else he could talk to, as he was afraid my FH would just immediately report it to his mother. Hence, I came here, asking advice, on how I should proceed with the situation, and what would be out of line.

I’m not exactly one to let someone who’s trying not to cry talking about a problem wander off with a vague “talk to your priest”, and no other help.

Good for you. Thank God the boy has someone to turn to that he can trust. Yes you are caught in the middle, but I think his mental, emotional and spiritual well being is more important than worrying about stepping on her toes. If he wanted her to know he went to confession and what he told the priest he would tell her.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Actually, the reason I “inserted myself” was because the teenage boy in question came to me about it. He was worried and didn’t know who else he could talk to, as he was afraid my FH would just immediately report it to his mother. Hence, I came here, asking advice, on how I should proceed with the situation, and what would be out of line.

I’m not exactly one to let someone who’s trying not to cry talking about a problem wander off with a vague “talk to your priest”, and no other help.

I would bet anything that if your child went to your MIL complaining about you and instead of talking with you about her concerns she went to a 3rd party to get involved you would flip. And I would too.

And if I were this boy’s mom and my future DIL went behind my back to a 3rd party about my parenting she would never be welcomed or accepted with me. You can’t include someone you can’t trust.

 

[ahollars]

I would bet anything that if your child went to your MIL complaining about you and instead of talking with you about her concerns she went to a 3rd party to get involved you would flip. And I would too.

And if I were this boy’s mom and my future DIL went behind my back to a 3rd party about my parenting she would never be welcomed or accepted with me. You can’t include someone you can’t trust.

The seal of confession is protected under American law, and the mother should be aware that it is a mortal sin for her to even ask her son what he said in confession.

I have three children who go to confession, and I have always told them that their mother and I would never ask what they talk about in confession with the priest. If they want to tell me, that is the right of the penitent. As much as I might believe they need to tell me what is going on, as long as it happens in confession, I have no right to know, even if I am their father.

This mother needs to learn her place. The confessor will never reveal, nor can ***anyone ***demand that the seal be broken.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The seal of confession is protected under American law, and the mother should be aware that it is a mortal sin for her to even ask her son what he said in confession.

I have three children who go to confession, and I have always told them that their mother and I would never ask what they talk about in confession with the priest. If they want to tell me, that is the right of the penitent. As much as I might believe they need to tell me what is going on, as long as it happens in confession, I have no right to know, even if I am their father.

This mother needs to learn her place. The confessor will never reveal, nor can ***anyone ***demand that the seal be broken.

**
I have not argued against any of those points, only that this is being handled incorrectly and that the DIL needs to learn her place.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes, the woman in question is my future mother-in-law, or FMIL.

Yes, I have heard 1000 times the need to set boundaries. My FH and I do. Often. She doesn’t like it, but she doesn’t really get a choice. People on this forum have even suggested I rethink my relationship with my FH because of her, which is just silly.

My FH and I spoke with our priest after mass today, and told him of our concerns. He said he would speak to my FH’s mother, so we’ll see how it goes.

Good. He’s the one who should handle this problem, and also see the young man and reinforce that no one can break the seal of confession and that he is not obliged to tell his mother anything, and that SHE is wrong to ask him to tell her.

 

[mandajane]

I would bet anything that if your child went to your MIL complaining about you and instead of talking with you about her concerns she went to a 3rd party to get involved you would flip. And I would too.

And if I were this boy’s mom and my future DIL went behind my back to a 3rd party about my parenting she would never be welcomed or accepted with me. You can’t include someone you can’t trust.

The issue is the boy can’t trust his mother. If I was violating my child’s privacy in such a way, and I had already been spoken to by my other children about this very behavior, and still hadn’t changed my ways, why on earth would I expect anyone to think that discussing it with me yet again would change this behavior.

 

[Tampa_Rays]

I want to ask for some similar advice:

My family is staunchly catholic, we follow all church teaching, go to mass 1-2 times a week and go to confession about every 2-3 months but being a 16 year old boy I need to go more sometimes due to sexual sins. Well whenever my mom thinks there is something wrong with me she sort of harrases me to talk to her and I really dont have a choice, I talk to her (even when I dont want to) or make something up if there really is nothing wrong. We just went to confession 2 weeks ago as a family but I need to go again because I sinned saturday and abstained on sunday (my mom was in the cry room with the baby so she did not see me abstain; she went to a different line). I then asked my mom monday if I could go to confession soon and she said “your making me nervous, we just went do you need to talk to me?” and I said I just wanted to talk with the new pastor we got. She said she would schedule confession for us but never did and said she would schedule in the next couple of weeks . What should I do?? I dont have my license otherwise I would go every week. If I recall there is something in the catechism about recieving communion in a state of sin because of shame is not a mortal sin but I really dont know as that seems like a cop out to me. Any advice would be appreciated!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I want to ask for some similar advice:

My family is staunchly catholic, we follow all church teaching, go to mass 1-2 times a week and go to confession about every 2-3 months but being a 16 year old boy I need to go more sometimes due to sexual sins. Well whenever my mom thinks there is something wrong with me she sort of harrases me to talk to her and I really dont have a choice, I talk to her (even when I dont want to) or make something up if there really is nothing wrong. We just went to confession 2 weeks ago as a family but I need to go again because I sinned saturday and abstained on sunday (my mom was in the cry room with the baby so she did not see me abstain; she went to a different line). I then asked my mom monday if I could go to confession soon and she said “your making me nervous, we just went do you need to talk to me?” and I said I just wanted to talk with the new pastor we got. She said she would schedule confession for us but never did and said she would schedule in the next couple of weeks . What should I do?? I dont have my license otherwise I would go every week. If I recall there is something in the catechism about recieving communion in a state of sin because of shame is not a mortal sin but I really dont know as that seems like a cop out to me. Any advice would be appreciated!

Is there anyone else you can get a ride with? Take the bus? You don’t have to tell your mom you need to go to confession. Too bad your mom is that interested in your private sin life. Hang in there and do what you know is right. No, you should definitely abstain if you’ve sinned mortally and it’s NO ONE ELSE’S BUSINESS why you are abstaining. Your mom should butt out and mind her own business.

 

[Joannm]

T and cannot help him with in the first place, nor would he want her to even try to help. If he wanted help he would have asked for it. I did it by myself. I didn’t want anyone to know about it except God and the Priest. This mother can’t do anything, she’s bordering on mortal sin and even under danger of excommunication, and to be honest, from what I read she seems to be a control freak, which is certainly something to work on. You need to get the Priest to hear his confessions discretely somehow. You do not want this young man to be discouraged from going to confession, and his mother is a huge stumbling block in terms of him going to confession now, or possibly ever. Going to confession is a good thing and when someone is willingly going there despite everything in his brain telling him not to he or she should definitely not have to go through such things. Perhaps you can talk to the mother about it and tell her what she is doing wrong? You are probably obligated to do so since she is in danger of mortal sin and excommunication. She probably doesn’t even know what she is doing is so wrong. Tell her, and if she doesn’t seem to care, you should speak with the Priest and he will take care of the situation.

I don’t understand why you would say the mother is in danger of excommunication or mortal sin? While I agree that this mother has no business asking her son to reveal his confession and it a bit of a control freak as you put it, mothers worry about their children. I know if my son (he is an adult now but speaking as if he was a teen), started to go to confession much more often than he did, it would raise a red flag. Not that I would ask him what he confessed but I would be concerned. I would look for changes in his behavior that might signal something serious. I would also talk to my priest about how I should handle my concerns.

 

[TheDoors]

I don’t understand why you would say the mother is in danger of excommunication or mortal sin? While I agree that this mother has no business asking her son to reveal his confession and it a bit of a control freak as you put it, mothers worry about their children. I know if my son (he is an adult now but speaking as if he was a teen), started to go to confession much more often than he did, it would raise a red flag. Not that I would ask him what he confessed but I would be concerned. I would look for changes in his behavior that might signal something serious. I would also talk to my priest about how I should handle my concerns.

Confession is between God and the person confessing. By harrassing someone about confession you’re discouraging them from going, causing them to be in a state of sin. I think it’s a talk that priests need to have with parents before that first confession, that way you don’t have “Well, what did you confess?” issues.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I want to ask for some similar advice:

My family is staunchly catholic, we follow all church teaching, go to mass 1-2 times a week and go to confession about every 2-3 months but being a 16 year old boy I need to go more sometimes due to sexual sins. Well whenever my mom thinks there is something wrong with me she sort of harrases me to talk to her and I really dont have a choice, I talk to her (even when I dont want to) or make something up if there really is nothing wrong. We just went to confession 2 weeks ago as a family but I need to go again because I sinned saturday and abstained on sunday (my mom was in the cry room with the baby so she did not see me abstain; she went to a different line). I then asked my mom monday if I could go to confession soon and she said “your making me nervous, we just went do you need to talk to me?” and I said I just wanted to talk with the new pastor we got. She said she would schedule confession for us but never did and said she would schedule in the next couple of weeks . What should I do?? I dont have my license otherwise I would go every week. If I recall there is something in the catechism about recieving communion in a state of sin because of shame is not a mortal sin but I really dont know as that seems like a cop out to me. Any advice would be appreciated!

p.s. My sons are 21 and 18 and I never ask them what they want to go to confession for! Nor do I nag them that they need confession nor ask what they got for penance. It is NONE OF MY BUSINESS! I am just glad that they go!

Any friends who can pick you up and take you to confession? Are you in the church youth group or the K of C? If you know any older Knights, I’ll bet they’d be happy to take you any time.

Oh, and you can also call the church office yourself if you want to make an appointment to speak with the priest privately. Just do it. You have to start taking care of your own spiritual needs, you’re not a baby any more and your Mommy shouldn’t be interfering like she is.