Teenagers and going back to work/school

[cviolette]

How did you decide on nursing? Was it from volunteering? Just wondering. I really don’t have a pull in any direction, but also, at 55 I’m not keen to start a career. I am a healthy person, but I don’t have the physical stamina of someone 35.

This will be long.

It was a long process with many wrong turns. I had been looking at jobs for about a year. Going back in forth on finding an assembly or technician job, or going back to school and getting back into engineering. I applied for a ton of jobs. Not one interview. I was over qualified for most of the jobs. I was told that most employers would not hire me because of my experience and education. They figured once I updated my skills, I would move on to a better job. That I needed to dumb down my resume.

Nothing felt right. I was disappointed that I would have to stop my volunteer work. I dreaded going back to school. It was just all about getting a paycheck. It just made me sad and nervous when job searching.

I kept praying and praying for guidance. During adoration and daily mass. Asking the Holy Spirit to help me see God’s plan for me. What part of the garden does He want me to work in?

Then my son broke his hip. Put the job search on hold. He could not drive anymore and needed me to take and pick him up from school. I thought that was a sign that the kids still needed me and it wasn’t time for me to go back to work.

About two weeks later, I was talking to a woman in the gym. She designs workout plans and nutrition for the mentally ill. It is a state run program to see if diet and exercise can help people with bi-polar, depressions and other mental illnesses. Mostly single moms in the program. During the conversation, I just felt like this is what I wanted. To help people.

I went home and did research on how to become an LNA. Found a program that fit perfectly with my son’s recovery and the kids’ school schedules. Then researched nursing programs. Everything kept falling into place. I can not believe how many nurses and LNAs God had put in my path since that decision.

I am so excited about starting nursing school. But thinking of going to school for computer science gave me butterflies in my stomach. I feel at peace with my decision. I know it is from God. I can continue my volunteer work and get paid.

Where I am going to volunteer with the children and young adults is amazing. I am going to help a young man build a rocket. He is Catholic so I can pray the rosary with him too. The speech therapist is overwhelmed and needs help feeding the patients. So I will get the training to feed the patients. The director of nursing wants me to talk to her when I finish my LNA course. Everything is just falling right into place because it is God’s plan. I know when I am an LNA, it won’t be as fun as a volunteer but I still love the idea of taking care of God’s children.

I was an engineer for the money. I want to be a nurse to help people.

LNAs work is tough and it helps to be physically fit. But they have lifts now to help with the patients. A nurses job is less physical. It is the LNAs that do all the physical labor. I am a weight lifter so I am not worried about the physical part.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for sharing your story! That’s really amazing, that things just fell into place…well, actually it isn’t amazing, it’s just how God works. No wonder we hadn’t seen you on here, since your son broke his hip. I hope he is all healed now.

I need to spend more time in adoration. I always tell people on here to go to adoration but I don’t get there often enough.

I am so excited for you too! New adventures ahead. I remember so well how distressed you were when you first came to the forum. Now it’s like a different person.

 

[cviolette]

Thanks for sharing your story! That’s really amazing, that things just fell into place…well, actually it isn’t amazing, it’s just how God works. No wonder we hadn’t seen you on here, since your son broke his hip. I hope he is all healed now.

I need to spend more time in adoration. I always tell people on here to go to adoration but I don’t get there often enough.

I am so excited for you too! New adventures ahead. I remember so well how distressed you were when you first came to the forum. Now it’s like a different person.

It took me awhile to learn to trust God but I am learning that doors will open when you follow his plan.

My son is almost completely healed. He did a back flip on his skis and didn’t land it right. He does need to avoid extreme stuff for a few more weeks but can walk without crutches and do some light activities. The hip wasn’t displaced so he didn’t need surgery. He just needed to be very careful and give the bones time to heal. The doctor showed him the large screw that he would need to insert if he didn’t follow doctors orders.

Adoration and daily mass have changed my life. I know when I am angry or upset to not make any decisions. I just go spend time with Jesus and listen to the whispers of the Holy Spirit.

I was in a very bad place when I first started to post. I still back track sometimes but not to the point where it is dangerous. I feel that the prayers from many CAF members helped me start healing and get right with God. I still struggle with some issues but I am much better.

 

[1inICXC]

Cviolette, this all sounds very exciting! I thank God He is making all of this possible for you! And hopefully, your husband will have his wake-up call!

As for the teens, they will be ABLE to do anything at those ages, just don’t expectthem to get it perfectly off the bat. You’ll need to be patient with them and don’t give into the temptation of doing it for them jyst so that it gets done right. Better they do it over 2 or 3 times than to give thm the idea that mom will fix it!

All the best to you!!!

 

[cviolette]

Cviolette, this all sounds very exciting! I thank God He is making all of this possible for you! And hopefully, your husband will have his wake-up call!

As for the teens, they will be ABLE to do anything at those ages, just don’t expectthem to get it perfectly off the bat. You’ll need to be patient with them and don’t give into the temptation of doing it for them jyst so that it gets done right. Better they do it over 2 or 3 times than to give thm the idea that mom will fix it!

All the best to you!!!

I thank God everyday. I am so blessed. For the first time in my life, I look forward to my future.

I not sure what I would do if my husband wakes up. That is scary to me. To trust that it is true and not faking it until he can get me under control. I do pray for him and hope he finds happiness. He never even asked why I want to be a nurse. Just told me why I shouldn’t do it. He blames a friend of mine for talking me into being a nurse. He confronted him twice about it. Just weird. It is like he thinks I couldn’t have possible come up with the idea myself.

It is so much easier to do it yourself than get a teenager to do it the way you want it done. Which is why they won’t be touching the laundry. I just have a protein shake for dinner so I won’t have to eat what they cook I figure it will take a little while to get into a routine.

I went grocery shopping today and bought seem of their favorites that are easy to cook. Already packed my lunch and my husband’s lunch for tomorrow.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I thank God everyday. I am so blessed. For the first time in my life, I look forward to my future.

I not sure what I would do if my husband wakes up. That is scary to me. To trust that it is true and not faking it until he can get me under control. I do pray for him and hope he finds happiness. He never even asked why I want to be a nurse. Just told me why I shouldn’t do it. He blames a friend of mine for talking me into being a nurse. He confronted him twice about it. Just weird. It is like he thinks I couldn’t have possible come up with the idea myself.

It is so much easier to do it yourself than get a teenager to do it the way you want it done. Which is why they won’t be touching the laundry. I just have a protein shake for dinner so I won’t have to eat what they cook I figure it will take a little while to get into a routine.

I went grocery shopping today and bought seem of their favorites that are easy to cook. Already packed my lunch and my husband’s lunch for tomorrow.

That is so sad. I am afraid that my husband would be the same. We get so accustomed to the way they are, we forget that there is supposed to be an interest in each other from both husband and wife, not just one way. When I realized that my husband would get bored when I was telling him about my day, I started to pull away from him. It was obvious, there were times when he would actually roll his eyes as I would discuss my day, or what I was thinking about. I don’t think he even knew he was doing it.

I really think he cares about me as much as he does anyone else…well, less than his sons but as much as anyone other than his sons. Whenever I would talk about doing more teaching, or really anything, all he could say is, “It’s not worth your time.” But working for him IS worth my time, of course. Even though he wouldn’t be paying me.

I think you should be wary - your husband may make a show of wanting you back, once he knows you are truly growing away from him. Honestly, I wouldn’t trust it either. Don’t let him stop you from your goals!

I think you are going to make a terrific nurse! Very exciting!

 

[cviolette]

That is so sad. I am afraid that my husband would be the same. We get so accustomed to the way they are, we forget that there is supposed to be an interest in each other from both husband and wife, not just one way. When I realized that my husband would get bored when I was telling him about my day, I started to pull away from him. It was obvious, there were times when he would actually roll his eyes as I would discuss my day, or what I was thinking about. I don’t think he even knew he was doing it.

I really think he cares about me as much as he does anyone else…well, less than his sons but as much as anyone other than his sons. Whenever I would talk about doing more teaching, or really anything, all he could say is, “It’s not worth your time.” But working for him IS worth my time, of course. Even though he wouldn’t be paying me.

I think you should be wary - your husband may make a show of wanting you back, once he knows you are truly growing away from him. Honestly, I wouldn’t trust it either. Don’t let him stop you from your goals!

I think you are going to make a terrific nurse! Very exciting!

You need to decide what YOU want to do. Then you approach him differently. Don’t word it like you are asking permission. Tell him your plan and then ask for his (name removed by moderator)ut. It is okay to discuss things and get his opinion but you should make the final decision. I don’t even discuss things with my husband now. I email him my plans. I am being a coward but just tired of defending my ideas or plans.

Thank you He will not mess up my goals. I put the money aside to pay for my schooling and I also put money aside to buy a car if he takes mine away. I get stronger every day.

I had a great day at school. The classes and clinics are at a private, beautiful nursing home. School is 7 - 3PM. I was able to cook dinner, do a load of laundry, dishes, pack lunches, start the woodstove and now I am relaxing. I’ll study before bed. So far, it doesn’t seem like the schedule will be too bad.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You need to decide what YOU want to do. Then you approach him differently. Don’t word it like you are asking permission. Tell him your plan and then ask for his (name removed by moderator)ut. It is okay to discuss things and get his opinion but you should make the final decision. I don’t even discuss things with my husband now. I email him my plans. I am being a coward but just tired of defending my ideas or plans.

Thank you He will not mess up my goals. I put the money aside to pay for my schooling and I also put money aside to buy a car if he takes mine away. I get stronger every day.

I had a great day at school. The classes and clinics are at a private, beautiful nursing home. School is 7 - 3PM. I was able to cook dinner, do a load of laundry, dishes, pack lunches, start the woodstove and now I am relaxing. I’ll study before bed. So far, it doesn’t seem like the schedule will be too bad.

I already know what his (name removed by moderator)ut will be. It’s never positive. Honestly, I have no idea what he sees in me - I don’t think he likes me a lot, has respect for me, let alone admiration. I think we have a history, that’s about it.

I think your life sounds great. I miss learning in a structured environment.

 

[Maryann_C]

Sounds like a great plan! All the best to you. I just realized yesterday that in the fall, NO ONE will come home at 3 pm…It’s been nearly 21 years of my life…first they were here ALL the time, then we ran by the school schedule…3 pm is a significant time…But not any more… I thought, well, maybe I will go to work with hubby…and then I thought, hmmm…maybe not…

Anyway, back to your question…I would also have them do their own laundry. That alone helps tremendously when it comes to the housework load. And maybe one extra chore such as cleaning a bathroom or vacuuming, or dusting.

Juliane- ME too and I will miss them dearly but my husband and I can hardly wait ( I know we are awful parents but we really do look forward to just teh 2 of us doing things together-) but we have had many separations during our marriage due to the military and frankly that is health for our marriage at least.

To the OP I am with Cat relax your standards or rather learn to prioritize what is REALLY important and trust me THE most important thing is actually NOT the house at all it is your teenagers. There is also such a thing as closing the door and not looking at their room or bathroom. I simply have a standard that if we have visitors they will clean up and if they want to go out they must clean their bathroom and bedroom reasonably. Also I don’t do laundry on Sundays so you had better get your act together on Saturday or do it yourself and they ( even my husband) very quickly learn when they run out of the necessary school clothes etc the key is to be strong and loving through the winging, the ‘you are the worst mother ever’ ,‘you don’t love me’ and all of the usual!

To you and to Juliane I can not recommend the following 2 powerful books enough - I didn’t even read them all the way through but they were, and continue to be life and marriage changing ( and my husband didn’t even have to read them!)

1. The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman
2. The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormy Omartian ( think I spelled it right)

Finally to mothers of girls ( and mothers of teen boys it would be helpful if you knew this because they are the other half!) I have just picked up the latest MUST read called Girls uncovered. It is written by 2 Drs …my 18 y.o daughter is reading it right now( and she never reads) because it was also recommended for them before they go to college.

To Juliane, as an Army wife who has had to move alot and re-establish a new routine with new people about every 2 years my best advice to you is to volunteer , get stuck in somewhere, Church, a school, home for the elderly, whatever. I am always way more busy than I need to be because of these kinds of things and I usually have a small part time job doing something I enjoy . This time around it is at a book store. No one can say that is not worth your time because you are doing these things for Jesus and for you.

All the best

 

[cviolette]

Juliane- ME too and I will miss them dearly but my husband and I can hardly wait ( I know we are awful parents but we really do look forward to just teh 2 of us doing things together-) but we have had many separations during our marriage due to the military and frankly that is health for our marriage at least.

I think it is great that you look forward to being alone. That your love for each other was not lost when raising the children.

 

[cviolette]

Survived the first week of school Even got a 98% on my first test. This class is going to fly by.

It was tiring but I was still able to take care of the kids and go to school. I planned easy dinners for Mon and Tues. Everyone cooked their own meals on Wednesday.

I was correct about my husband. He kept his schedule that same and didn’t pitch in at all. Even told me on Wednesday night that I need to take my son driving more before his driving test next week. Really???

My 17 stepped up and helped out. He drove his younger siblings to where they needed to go in the morning and I picked them up after school. It is sad that the kids go to my son when I am not around and not their dad.

Husband went out and bought a care for the boys without even telling me. I just find this so disrespectful. He went out looked at cars, picked a car out, took it to get inspected and doesn’t mention one word to me. It is just pathetic.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Survived the first week of school Even got a 98% on my first test. This class is going to fly by.

It was tiring but I was still able to take care of the kids and go to school. I planned easy dinners for Mon and Tues. Everyone cooked their own meals on Wednesday.

I was correct about my husband. He kept his schedule that same and didn’t pitch in at all. Even told me on Wednesday night that I need to take my son driving more before his driving test next week. Really???

My 17 stepped up and helped out. He drove his younger siblings to where they needed to go in the morning and I picked them up after school. It is sad that the kids go to my son when I am not around and not their dad.

Husband went out and bought a car for the boys without even telling me. I just find this so disrespectful. He went out looked at cars, picked a car out, took it to get inspected and doesn’t mention one word to me. It is just pathetic.

I’m glad things went smoothly and good job on the test!!!

Why would your kids go to their dad? Has he ever dropped his own schedule to help them or get involved in any way?

Wow about the car! Do you think he did it to get back at you because you are doing something he doesn’t want you to? It sounds like passive-aggressive - just pretending you don’t have a say in those things. My hubby couldn’t spend that much money without agonizing over it with me!

Did they need a new car? Maybe he thought he was doing you a favor by just getting the job done?

 

[cviolette]

I’m glad things went smoothly and good job on the test!!!

Why would your kids go to their dad? Has he ever dropped his own schedule to help them or get involved in any way?

Wow about the car! Do you think he did it to get back at you because you are doing something he doesn’t want you to? It sounds like passive-aggressive - just pretending you don’t have a say in those things. My hubby couldn’t spend that much money without agonizing over it with me!

Did they need a new car? Maybe he thought he was doing you a favor by just getting the job done?

Thank you. I think I am going to really like my job. It will be physically and emotionally draining but I feel it is where God wants me. I am starting my volunteer work tomorrow. I excited to meet the residences. It is a very pro Catholic place too

I really think it is a lack of respect. My opinion does not matter. Over the years, he has bought a house, dirt bikes, 4 wheelers, boat, took out a new mortgage on property that we owned without telling me. I flipped out over the boat. Because I thought it was a waste of money. We do not live on the water. I felt we should have discussed the dangers of the dirt bikes before he went out and bought them for the boys. And still don’t know where the 160k went for the mortgage he took out. There are serious problems in the relationship. For me, it is just not worth it anymore.

We did need another car but I wanted him to sell his corvette first. We live in a snow belt and needed another car that could be used in the winter.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you. I think I am going to really like my job. It will be physically and emotionally draining but I feel it is where God wants me. I am starting my volunteer work tomorrow. I excited to meet the residences. It is a very pro Catholic place too

I really think it is a lack of respect. My opinion does not matter. Over the years, he has bought a house, dirt bikes, 4 wheelers, boat, took out a new mortgage on property that we owned without telling me. I flipped out over the boat. Because I thought it was a waste of money. We do not live on the water. I felt we should have discussed the dangers of the dirt bikes before he went out and bought them for the boys. And still don’t know where the 160k went for the mortgage he took out. There are serious problems in the relationship. For me, it is just not worth it anymore.

We did need another car but I wanted him to sell his corvette first. We live in a snow belt and needed another car that could be used in the winter.

That’s amazing. If my husband had done any of that without involving me… It’s like your husband doesn’t care what you think, he’s just going to do whatever he wants and let you pick up the pieces. Just goes his merry way and it’s fare-thee-well to you.

I don’t blame you for leaving. Just one of those things would make me think, “What are we even doing this for? It was supposed to be a partnership, not you doing whatever and not even giving me a vote!”

 

[TheRealJuliane]

To Juliane, as an Army wife who has had to move alot and re-establish a new routine with new people about every 2 years my best advice to you is to volunteer , get stuck in somewhere, Church, a school, home for the elderly, whatever. I am always way more busy than I need to be because of these kinds of things and I usually have a small part time job doing something I enjoy . This time around it is at a book store. No one can say that is not worth your time because you are doing these things for Jesus and for you.

All the best

I may volunteer to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate. I want to go to the orientation and then there are 30 hours of training that you have to do, plus background checks. The only problem might be that our son got his girlfriend to call CPS on us 2 years ago. The case was dismissed because there was no sign of abuse, but it might come up on a background check. If it does, then I will know that I can’t do anything like that in the future. And I will yell at DS for about 2 hours!

 

[cviolette]

That’s amazing. If my husband had done any of that without involving me… It’s like your husband doesn’t care what you think, he’s just going to do whatever he wants and let you pick up the pieces. Just goes his merry way and it’s fare-thee-well to you.

I don’t blame you for leaving. Just one of those things would make me think, “What are we even doing this for? It was supposed to be a partnership, not you doing whatever and not even giving me a vote!”

I really struggled for a long time with the idea of divorce. Well, he does it beat me so he can’t be that bad. I also feel like I am the bad person for breaking up the family. But the bottom line is I am not perfect but I deserve to be loved and respected. I am not his property. I am a daughter of God. I will be the best mom I can but that does not include being his wife.

Oh, forgot to answer. No, the kids go to me and ask me to ask dad. Even my son in college will call or email me and than have me deal with my husband.

I was out one night and my son came home from football practice. He was excited he moved up to Varsity Football. He didn’t even tell his dad who was home. He asked his little sister if she could show him how to wash his uniform (he had a game the next day) and told me as soon as I walked in the door. They are just not close to their father. They go to me with the good and bad in their lives.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I really struggled for a long time with the idea of divorce. Well, he does it beat me so he can’t be that bad. I also feel like I am the bad person for breaking up the family. But the bottom line is I am not perfect but I deserve to be loved and respected. I am not his property. I am a daughter of God. I will be the best mom I can but that does not include being his wife.

Oh, forgot to answer. No, the kids go to me and ask me to ask dad. Even my son in college will call or email me and than have me deal with my husband.

I was out one night and my son came home from football practice. He was excited he moved up to Varsity Football. He didn’t even tell his dad who was home. He asked his little sister if she could show him how to wash his uniform (he had a game the next day) and told me as soon as I walked in the door. They are just not close to their father. They go to me with the good and bad in their lives.

That’s right, you deserve to be loved and respected and treated as an equal. Not as his property, or just ignored.

I wonder sometimes if my husband cares…I think he does, but his problem is that he has all of his emotions walled off because of his narcissist father. I think that is why he seems like he has no empathy at times, and doesn’t seem to understand intimacy outside of sex. It’s all blocked so he won’t feel the pain of growing up with a father who couldn’t love him.

But whatever, I could sit here analyzing him all night and it wouldn’t change anything. I just have to learn to take care of myself and pray for him. His father has threatened to sue him and I think it will probably come to that. If so, the old man will finally be out of our lives and maybe my husband will finally get over wanting his love.

 

[cviolette]

That’s right, you deserve to be loved and respected and treated as an equal. Not as his property, or just ignored.

I wonder sometimes if my husband cares…I think he does, but his problem is that he has all of his emotions walled off because of his narcissist father. I think that is why he seems like he has no empathy at times, and doesn’t seem to understand intimacy outside of sex. It’s all blocked so he won’t feel the pain of growing up with a father who couldn’t love him.

But whatever, I could sit here analyzing him all night and it wouldn’t change anything. I just have to learn to take care of myself and pray for him. His father has threatened to sue him and I think it will probably come to that. If so, the old man will finally be out of our lives and maybe my husband will finally get over wanting his love.

At some point, they have to take responsibility for the adults they are. My therapist said that my husband has the emotions of a 3 year old because of his mom. Fine. But I idolized him when I married him. Gave him everything I had. Helped financially and emotionally with his dreams. He could have learned how to love from me. From his kids. I only lost it a year ago. Before that I was always his faithful little puppy dog. He chose to love his company and give everything he had to it. Fine. I hope his company will keep him warm at night.

I am all for making marriages work but make sure you are not enabling your husband. You are not his father and should not be paying for his father’s abuse. You tried to give him a loving family. He is the one that was closed to it.

Life sure is hard. I will pray that your husband is finally free of his father’s control.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

At some point, they have to take responsibility for the adults they are. My therapist said that my husband has the emotions of a 3 year old because of his mom. Fine. But I idolized him when I married him. Gave him everything I had. Helped financially and emotionally with his dreams. He could have learned how to love from me. From his kids. I only lost it a year ago. Before that I was always his faithful little puppy dog. He chose to love his company and give everything he had to it. Fine. I hope his company will keep him warm at night.

I am all for making marriages work but make sure you are not enabling your husband. You are not his father and should not be paying for his father’s abuse. You tried to give him a loving family. He is the one that was closed to it.

Life sure is hard. I will pray that your husband is finally free of his father’s control.

I was listening to someone speak yesterday, and she said co-dependents see the potential in someone and we respond to that potential, not recognizing how far from that potential the person is in their day to day life. I can see things in my husband that he can’t access or admit to. And I think that someday he will be that person. But when? And how will he change? Potential is not reality. Reality is reality.

 

[Maryann_C]

Sounds like a great plan! All the best to you. I just realized yesterday that in the fall, NO ONE will come home at 3 pm…It’s been nearly 21 years of my life…first they were here ALL the time, then we ran by the school schedule…3 pm is a significant time…But not any more… I thought, well, maybe I will go to work with hubby…and then I thought, hmmm…maybe not…

Anyway, back to your question…I would also have them do their own laundry. That alone helps tremendously when it comes to the housework load. And maybe one extra chore such as cleaning a bathroom or vacuuming, or dusting.

I think it is great that you look forward to being alone. That your love for each other was not lost when raising the children.

It wasn’t always that way I fell head over heals ,gave up my country my Army officer’s career that was headed for great things ( had just been accepted to our military university), sacrificed being close to my mother ( I am the only child) AND gave up a shot at our British Olympic team that I had just been offered a shot at. Within a year of moving over to the US and starting married life I was pregnant in shell shock from the culture difference and all of a sudden my husband was gone either on maneuvers or hunting! He never went hunting when we were dating. I will never forget driving through one po dunk town in KY thinking “what have I done”. We ( I - I think he was oblivious) struggled for the first 10 years until I changed my attitude. I will say that actually if I hadn’t been pregnant and didn’t want to go back to England ‘a failure’ - so because of my pride- I would have ended it within the first 2 years probably. Thank God I didn’t. There were a couple of pivotal books that I read that helped me. One was as I already said The Five Love Languages. The other I am wracking my brain for and when it comes to me I will share the title because it made me realise that ANY marriage can be saved.
May God bless you both and your families.