Teenagers: to date steady or not

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rayne89

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This was from a differant thread about dating Catholics or non-Catholics but it got me thinking.
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rwoehmke:
. We did have one family rule and that was “No dating before 16 and until you are eighteen, you will not date anyone twice in a row.” So much for having a “steady.” .
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I definitely think kids are allowed to date much too early. I have a question. I’ve heard similar comments from other parents about no steady dating. I have an acquaintance that is a teacher and stated she tells her students to date as many different guys (I guess she was referring to her female students) as possible and not develop any serious relationships.My reaction was “yuck!” I find the mindset of flip-flopping from one boy (or girl) to another so shallow and hardly a preparation for a committed marriage.

I do have a bias I’ll admit. I met my husband in high school, and other than a couple of dates set up by friends, I never dated anyone else. I was very cynical about guys’ motives in high school; my hubby was the first guy that seemed genuine to me. Anyway I’m rambling.

My comment basically is we don’t plan on letting our daughter date until she’s 16 but I don’t see me discouraging her from a having a steady (chaste) relationship if she chooses. I don’t see how going from one boy to another is better than having a “real” relationship with someone.

So am I wrong? What are the reasons for no steady dating? Is it to avoid the possibilty of it turning sexual? Thoughts?
 
steady is what we called engaged when i was a kid…

you date in search of a mate… i have never understood these boys and girls who were led to believe that you only dated one at a time…

of course, when i was dating, it wasn’t that serious… we would go to the movies, the youth club and play ping pong, we might go out to eat, but it was just a date… it gave you time to get to know if the person you found interesting enough to ask out was worth a second date…

kids today take dating far too seriously… too much at stake… their biggest mountain to climb was to decide how far they can go on the first date… I don’t get it… too old i guess…

i told my 3 daughter while they were growing up, that the only ring they were allowed to wear was the kind that had marriage attached to it… you are not tying yourself down to just one fella unless there is something serious and right.

this date insurance thing is a strange deal… at least for me

oh, by the way… 16 is way too young for a serious relationship…
if she only dates one, … well, it’s a different ball game…:cool:
 
I really don’t understand people’s preoccupation with dating. Let me say I’m 19. I don’t see why many of my peers are so preoccupied with dating him or him- but have never thought about why. I mean, if it’s just for fun, fine- but why label it dating, then? If all you want to do is go out and have fun with friends, then do just that- but all this dating where one person or another is practically a trophy just leaves me speechless. I really don’t understand it. Dating is supposed to help you dicern a mate- not a new name for a good friend of the opposite sex, or a recreational sport.
 
Let me tell you as a 28 year old married woman that I wish my parents had NOT let me date “steady” as a teen!

Rayne, I understand your bias…you met your sweetheart in high school and it turned out great, but I don’t believe that is the statistical norm.

I had my first “steady” boyfriend at age 16. We dated for almost 5 years!!! It was not a good relationship. At a time when each of us should have been considering our futures (schooling, careers, where to live etc) we were wrapped up in the immature emotions of teenage “love”.

I was emotionally attached to this “boy”. I wasn’t mature enough to discern whether or not he would make a good husband some day… character didn’t matter because I LOVED HIM!!! Most of you will know the feeling I’m speaking of. Totally irrational.

My dad tried to tell me to date lots of different boys… kind of like the teacher you spoke of… but my mom’s ideals won out. After all, she fell in love with my dad in high school too. Please don’t fall into the trap that because it worked for you it must be a great idea.

I think all kids and all families will be different. I am glad that you are seeking outside opinions so you can make the best decision for you daughter. Way to go Rayne.

MALIA
 
I think that dating for the purpose of dating is wrong. Having friends of the opposite gender is important, but people should date to find out if someone will be right for them in marriage. Throw-away relationships just leave two people hurt and angry at each other. I, however, do not see an issue with two teens going out if they are doing it for the right reasons (not to be able to say "He/she is my boy/girlfriend) and keep it clean and chaste.

Eamon
 
Feanaro's Wife:
Rayne, I understand your bias…you met your sweetheart in high school and it turned out great, but I don’t believe that is the statistical norm.
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I realize I’m not the statistical norm. Alot of people are quite surprised when I mention I met my hubby at 16. The thing is I’m surrounded by those outside the norm. My 2 best friends I’ve know since I was 12 married their highschool school sweethearts (unlike me both had one other steady relationship in highschool lasting a appx a year.) One married at 17 (way out of the statisical norm-yes she was a teen mom-and no I don’t advocate getting married at 17) and the other married after college. Both are have very successful marriages. My friend who married at 17 will be married 16 years next Aug (granted they worked hard at their relationship.)

I have 2 other friends I’ve known since childhood both who dated quite a bit and married later. Both are very unhappy in their marriages.

So I completely realize my experience is way outside the norm but since it is my experience it’s hard to to make decisions without being bias. Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut!🙂
 
I’ll agree with most of the previous posters - this is not a good idea. It seems like, these days, so many people go through 3 or 4 or 10 “serious relationships” through their teens and 20s… you get to know someone, and quickly develop a strong emotional attachment, and are very intimate (and I don’t necessarily mean sexually). You disappear from sight - your friends never see you anymore because you’re always with HER (or HIM). Then 6 months or a year or 3 years into it, something goes “wrong” - the romance “fizzles”, or you “grow apart” or you “outgrow the relationship”, or whatever. So you break up, and then you whine and complain for a few months. And then you meet someone new. And do it again.

Really I think it’s like practice for failed marriage. The really intense “relationship” stage is like a little trial marriage (even if not having sex or living together), and then the breakup is like a practice divorce. The more times you go through that with a different person, the more likely you are to view relationships as disposable, which is exactly the wrong thing you need for marriage. And the more times you exchange deep intimate feelings (again, I am not primarily speaking of sex here) in a relationship that doesn’t last, the less meaningful and intimate it becomes in subsequent relationships.

So I agree with everyone who says that you date to find a potential spouse. If you figure out that someone is not suitable as a spouse, you stop dating them, before you get into this deep emotional attachment business. Period. And I think that teenagers are unlikely to be able to objectively assess whether or not one of their peers is spouse material at age 16, so I wouldn’t recommend “going steady”.
 
Bobby Jim:
Really I think it’s like practice for failed marriage. The really intense “relationship” stage is like a little trial marriage (even if not having sex or living together), and then the breakup is like a practice divorce. The more times you go through that with a different person, the more likely you are to view relationships as disposable, which is exactly the wrong thing you need for marriage. And the more times you exchange deep intimate feelings (again, I am not primarily speaking of sex here) in a relationship that doesn’t last, the less meaningful and intimate it becomes in subsequent relationships.
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Excellant points!

I never really thought about that but thinking back when I was dating my hubby we did break up for a while and we both were pretty devastated. The phrase “emotional train wreck” comes to mind. It’s funny how time kind of fades those memories. We ended up getting back together obviously, but what if we hadn’t?I always wondered if I would have ever “gotten over” him.

Thanks for the great comments!
 
My oldest is almost 19. She’s been dating the same guy for about a year. He was/ is her first boyfriend. She read a number of books before dating- I Kissed Dating Goodbye, The ABCs of Finding a Good Husband- and had been to lots of chastity talks. After one or 2 dates, I asked if either of them would go out with another person, if asked. Both said no. Not sure why they felt that way so soon. I think dd has let her female friendships take a back seat, which is regretable. I also think she has blown off some good activities to be with her bf. However, he’s a good kid and they go to Mass together almost every Sunday. Do I wish she’d not be so serious about this guy? Yes. Is she old enough to be deciding that for herself? Yes. While I don’t think young teens should have steady boyfriends, older teens needs to make decisions on their own.

By the way, do we know if the teacher mentioned in the original post meant date lots of guys as in have lots of steady boyfriends or just don’t get serious about one person? When my mom was young, a girl could go out with one guy on Friday and another on Saturday. It was no big deal. Now a girl would be called loose or other lovely names for doing the same thing. —KCT
 
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KCT:
By the way, do we know if the teacher mentioned in the original post meant date lots of guys as in have lots of steady boyfriends or just don’t get serious about one person? When my mom was young, a girl could go out with one guy on Friday and another on Saturday. It was no big deal. Now a girl would be called loose or other lovely names for doing the same thing. —KCT
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She meant no steady boyfriends. I’m probably bias about this person too because in this women’s (the teacher’s) own situation she went bar hoping in Chicago with friends the weekend before she got married. (Kind of an extended bachelorette party?) So I took it to mean “play the field”.
 
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KCT:
When my mom was young, a girl could go out with one guy on Friday and another on Saturday. It was no big deal. Now a girl would be called loose or other lovely names for doing the same thing. —KCT
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Don’t want to hijack the thread, but this precise subject fascinates me, and was an endless source of confusion in my dating days. Older (50+) women of strong faith and morals, whom I greatly respected, would encourage me to accept any and all dates that I wanted, and so it was not uncommon that I’d go out with several different guys in the same week, all very casual, noncommital, and devoid even of hand-holding. I had no steady boyfriend. Sometime into my year or so of such dating, I realized, with horror, that my peers looked askance at such behavior. While I had made my commitment to chastity well-known, I was still viewed as playing somewhat fast and loose.

So… Is it still acceptable in this day and age to “be courted by several beaus” as my godmother would call it? Happily, those days are long behind me, but I’m still curious.
 
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rayne89:
The thing is I’m surrounded by those outside the norm. My 2 best friends I’ve know since I was 12 married their highschool school sweethearts. One married at 17 (way out of the statisical norm-yes she was a teen mom-and no I don’t advocate getting married at 17) and the other married after college. Both are have very successful marriages.

I have 2 other friends I’ve known since childhood both who dated quite a bit and married later. Both are very unhappy in their marriages.

So I completely realize my experience is way outside the norm but since it is my experience it’s hard to to make decisions without being bias. Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut!🙂
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Hey Rayne… wow, it’s amazing to hear that you and two others have such great relationships that started in high school!

I am curious… does religion play a factor in the happy vs the unhappy marriages? It would be great if the happy ones are Catholic/Christian and the unhappy ones were due to secular beliefs:)

You are very welcome for the (name removed by moderator)ut. From what I remember, your daughter is only 9(?)… you have a long time to research what will work best for your family. Good luck!

Malia
 
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maendem:
So… Is it still acceptable in this day and age to “be courted by several beaus” as my godmother would call it? Happily, those days are long behind me, but I’m still curious.
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I am 28 now, but when I was in high scool there was tremendous pressure to “go steady”. It wasn’t even called that, it was called “going out”.

If a girl didn’t have a serious boyfriend she was considered a freak…or worse, unloveable.

That is why my first relationship lasted from age 16 to nearly 21! It wasn’t so much “love” (it wasn’t love at all now that I can look back on it with a bit more maturity), it was emotional and physical attachment. And it was STATUS. It was cool to have a boyfriend for longer than anyone else I knew. Friends looked up to me because of it.

I also need to touch on the subject of sex…no pun intended. Teenagers are raging hormones disguised as young adults. While there is the rare teenager who values chastity (more and more now it seems…yay!), most teens will develop sexual feelings for a person very quickly and may not be able to keep them under control… especially if they are allowed to exclusively date one person.

Try to remember back to the age of 16… if you are a girl, EVERYTHING was a big deal! Can anyone say drama queen? LOL. At 16 we are not big on patience (So why wait to have sex? If we don’t do it now, we might die virgins!!!) or the relationship between actions and consequences. So many teenage pregnancies start with the words: that won’t happen to us!

I am glad to see the movement towards chastity (PureLove Club etc) in the new generation of teens. It gives me hope for the day when I have a teenager.

Malia
 
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turboEDvo:
I think that dating for the purpose of dating is wrong. Having friends of the opposite gender is important, but people should date to find out if someone will be right for them in marriage. Throw-away relationships just leave two people hurt and angry at each other. I, however, do not see an issue with two teens going out if they are doing it for the right reasons (not to be able to say "He/she is my boy/girlfriend) and keep it clean and chaste.

Eamon
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That is a very good point. The ulitimate goal of dating is to find that special someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. It is not just to be in with the crowd. However, going out with a group of friends is strongly encouraged and allows minimal stressing and pressure to do something un-chaste or stupid that could result in the loss of purtiy. Be careful and think first.

God Bless–JMJ
Laura 🙂
 
My daughters will be introducing me to their dates/friends. We’ll take it from there. If the boy she really likes is ok, then I will interfere a little. If he’s not, I will interfere alot. It really depends on her and him.
 
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rayne89:
I realize I’m not the statistical norm. Alot of people are quite surprised when I mention I met my hubby at 16. The thing is I’m surrounded by those outside the norm. My 2 best friends I’ve know since I was 12 married their highschool school sweethearts (unlike me both had one other steady relationship in highschool lasting a appx a year.) One married at 17 (way out of the statisical norm-yes she was a teen mom-and no I don’t advocate getting married at 17) and the other married after college. Both are have very successful marriages. My friend who married at 17 will be married 16 years next Aug (granted they worked hard at their relationship.)

I have 2 other friends I’ve known since childhood both who dated quite a bit and married later. Both are very unhappy in their marriages.

So I completely realize my experience is way outside the norm but since it is my experience it’s hard to to make decisions without being bias. Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut!🙂
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Maybe because they married later they ended up marrying people who went through many emotional “trial marriages” and “trial divorces” that another poster on this thread mentioned, and this is the reason for the unhappy marriage?

Maybe part of the reason you and your other friends are happy in your marriages is because when people meet early they end up being the only (or one of the very few) people in each other’s lives, and this helps spouses build strong emotional connections?
 
Feanaro's Wife:
I am curious… does religion play a factor in the happy vs the unhappy marriages? It would be great if the happy ones are Catholic/Christian and the unhappy ones were due to secular beliefs:)
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My friend that was a teen mom was raised in a fundementalist pentecostal religion and drifted away from any church for many years. (Very negative experiences in her church growing up.) Just last year she joined a non-denom church.
My other friend who was married after college was raised in a nominal Orthodox home and practices no particular faith.

The two that are not happy both attend Christian churches, but both hold many secular ideas. One thing in common they share is they both seek satisfaction in material things.
 
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Hermione:
Maybe because they married later they ended up marrying people who went through many emotional “trial marriages” and “trial divorces” that another poster on this thread mentioned, and this is the reason for the unhappy marriage?
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The one friend was very promiscuous. She didn’t have many long standing relationships until her present husband.
The other did have many steady boyfriends. Steady meaning at least several months of dating one particular guy.
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Hermione:
Maybe part of the reason you and your other friends are happy in your marriages is because when people meet early they end up being the only (or one of the very few) people in each other’s lives, and this helps spouses build strong emotional connections?
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I believe this is true.
 
Feanaro's Wife:
I am curious… does religion play a factor in the happy vs the unhappy marriages? It would be great if the happy ones are Catholic/Christian and the unhappy ones were due to secular beliefs:)
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Why would that be great? Do you wish to try to reinforce that what you believe is correct?

My wife and I are both 24, we met when we were 16. We dated, engaged in pre-marital sex, lived together, bought a house, and then got married. You know what though, we could not be happier. We also never allowed any of this to intervene in our studies. She is a teacher and I am a financial counselor. This may surprise you, but you do not need religion to be happy.
 
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