Teenagers: to date steady or not

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Mac6yver:

Why would that be great? Do you wish to try to reinforce that what you believe is correct?

My wife and I are both 24, we met when we were 16. We dated, engaged in pre-marital sex, lived together, bought a house, and then got married. You know what though, we could not be happier. We also never allowed any of this to intervene in our studies. She is a teacher and I am a financial counselor. This may surprise you, but you do not need religion to be happy.

Wow, I’m sorry that my post seemed to hit such a sore spot for you. I apologize. But, in my defense, this is a Catholic Forum. You have to expect “religious” views to be expressed.

And I agree, one does not need religion to *feel *happy. There are plenty of examples of people in this world who live perfectly well (in their own eyes) without God.

I have been on your side of the fence… I am not a cradle Catholic, I am not actually even Catholic yet. I am in the process of becoming one.

I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years, but for about 4 out of those 6 I was also a self-described agnostic. I would have described myself as “happy” back then too.

The difference is that I now feel a different type of happiness.

I will take it as a sign of hope that you are even on this forum. I will pray that you find the Truth as I did.

Malia

 

[Mac6yver]

Feanaro's Wife:

Wow, I’m sorry that my post seemed to hit such a sore spot for you. I apologize. But, in my defense, this is a Catholic Forum. You have to expect “religious” views to be expressed.

And I agree, one does not need religion to *feel *happy. There are plenty of examples of people in this world who live perfectly well (in their own eyes) without God.

I have been on your side of the fence… I am not a cradle Catholic, I am not actually even Catholic yet. I am in the process of becoming one.

I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years, but for about 4 out of those 6 I was also a self-described agnostic. I would have described myself as “happy” back then too.

The difference is that I now feel a different type of happiness.

I will take it as a sign of hope that you are even on this forum. I will pray that you find the Truth as I did.

Malia

I apologize if I came off too strong, it just seemed that your previous post was slightly arrogant. It is hard to read emotions on an internet forum.

I come to this board because I enjoy exposing my self to other points of view, as well as exposing others to mine. I visit a few different forums, some Christian, some not. This is the only dedicated Catholic one I visit though, from my own experience with Catholics this forum seems to reflect some what of a more conservative Catholic view then many Catholics I know. Thats ok though, that is why I come here, to see how the other side views things.

 

[JimG]

Feanaro's Wife:

I am 28 now, but when I was in high scool there was tremendous pressure to “go steady”. . . If a girl didn’t have a serious boyfriend she was considered a freak…or worse, unloveable. , , , I also need to touch on the subject of sex… While there is the rare teenager who values chastity (more and more now it seems…yay!), most teens will develop sexual feelings for a person very quickly and may not be able to keep them under control… especially if they are allowed to exclusively date one person.

That’s interesting, and quite true. But in my day it was was just the opposite. There was great pressure NOT to ‘go steady.’ That was considered a risky business. “Steady” couples were viewed as pushing the envelope too far. Less serious, multiple, dating was encouraged.

I’m wondering whether, because exclusivity is now pushed, is that a reason why more than 60% of high school students have engaged in sex by graduation, compared to something closer to zero percent in my day?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Mac6yver:

I apologize if I came off too strong, it just seemed that your previous post was slightly arrogant. It is hard to read emotions on an internet forum.

I come to this board because I enjoy exposing my self to other points of view, as well as exposing others to mine. I visit a few different forums, some Christian, some not. This is the only dedicated Catholic one I visit though, from my own experience with Catholics this forum seems to reflect some what of a more conservative Catholic view then many Catholics I know. Thats ok though, that is why I come here, to see how the other side views things.

No problem, I forget myself sometimes that people have no way of knowing my emotions that go along with my post.

I apologize to everyone if I came off as arrogant. I hate arrogant!!!

I hope you keep coming here and opening yourself up to different points of view, that is how I learned what I know now.

I am constantly learning and exploring others points of view. I am not content to just say “it’s Catholic, so it must be right”, lol. I want the proof. I want to know the “why” behind the teachings and the rules. And I want to know why agnostics/atheists/all other religions think the way they do too!

Just remember that this forum is full of all kinds of different people… some are right, some are wrong. Most of the things I read here are only opinions. If I want to know the truth, I either post a question in the Ask an Apologist forum, or I research the answer for myself.

I hope to see you around more and I will try to word my posts better so as not to come off as arrogant.

Malia

 

[MooCowSteph]

Feanaro's Wife:

I had my first “steady” boyfriend at age 16. We dated for almost 5 years!!! It was not a good relationship. At a time when each of us should have been considering our futures (schooling, careers, where to live etc) we were wrapped up in the immature emotions of teenage “love”.

I was emotionally attached to this “boy”. I wasn’t mature enough to discern whether or not he would make a good husband some day… character didn’t matter because I LOVED HIM!!! Most of you will know the feeling I’m speaking of. Totally irrational.

I agree…I had a similar experience. I was in a steady relationship starting at 15 until I was almost 18. I think, in hindsight, my parents allowed me WAYYY to much freedom. (Of course, at the time, I thought they were terribly strict. That says how lenient my friends parents’ were.) Teenagers are the most irrational creatures on the face of the earth- mush worse than 2 year-olds. :whacky:

I think you have to make the decision on a case by case basis, factoring in your childs maturity and responsibility. I would say with my own children, there will be “dates” only at home, with rented videos and such. Maybe I will allow them to go to the movies in a group, but there will be no one-on-one dating until probably close to 17.

 

[Hermione]

rayne89:

I have 2 other friends I’ve known since childhood both who dated quite a bit and married later. Both are very unhappy in their marriages.

Another thing I thought of is that maybe people who date many people for a long time while looking for a spouse have the mentality of being afraid to settle early in case there’s someone better. So they date many people and compare them in search for the “better” one…

Maybe this attitude extends into marriage, making them wonder if there’s someone better than their spouse out there.

But it’s just a guess

 

[KCT]

maendem:

So… Is it still acceptable in this day and age to “be courted by several beaus” as my godmother would call it? Happily, those days are long behind me, but I’m still curious.

I believe it is not! My understanding is that girls who do so are considered sl*ts or worse. My dd had a friend who, at her first youth group meeting, sat with a group of boys she knew, while the girls all sat at another table. The girls called her all sorts of names just for sitting and chatting with these boys. It was ridiculous. The catty girls at the other table were the ones dressed in short shorts and revealing clothes, and they called the friendly girls names! It’s nuts.
—KCT

 

[rayne89]

Hermione:

Another thing I thought of is that maybe people who date many people for a long time while looking for a spouse have the mentality of being afraid to settle early in case there’s someone better. So they date many people and compare them in search for the “better” one…

Maybe this attitude extends into marriage, making them wonder if there’s someone better than their spouse out there.

But it’s just a guess

Hermione you’ve got very good insight for a young women. I believe there is a lot of truth in your statement.

 

[Prometheum_x]

Dating is one of those words that is used often and almost never defined. There are at least two or three different conceptions of what dating entails.

One form of it which I have seen quite often among my peers is that of exclusive dating, though with nothing more than a vague thought of marriage behind it. However, in practice it is nothing more than a trial marriage:

• An expectation of exclusivity. (Don’t date anyone else!)
• A sense of unique obligation to the relationship. (You have to break up if you want to end it, similar to a divorce)
• Pursued as an end rather than a means.
• An exclusive physical dimension. (It is ok to make-out with your girlfriend but not with any other friends.)

My bed is calling, so I will comment only on the first and fourth items.

Why is there an expectation of exclusivity without an intention of marriage? What is the point?

Beyond simple signs of affection, why is it thought to be ok to do certain physical things if you are dating someone but it is unacceptable if you are just friends? What is it about “dating” that makes that an acceptable or even expected action?

I really see it as a trial marriage. . . and when you break up, it is just like a divorce. Those who engage in that are developing a habit for the future. (Not to say that divorce from a real marriage is inevitable; there are many who have gone on to successful marriages.)

 

[Bobby_Jim]

Another interesting phenomenon that surrounds this serial “exclusive dating” thing is that people now have multiple “ex-boyfriends” or “ex-girlfriends”. I took that for granted for a long time, but now I’ve come to think of that as quite absurd. I’m having a hard time articulating why - maybe someone can help me. But at one time people had husbands and wives. When divorce became more common, people started having ex-husbands and ex-wives. And now it’s extendended to ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends.

And it seems like there’s just a lot of drama surrounding the whole thing… some people can’t stand their “exes” and complain about them constantly, or are even stalked by them… other “exes” stay good friends, to the point that people wonder if they really “broke up”, and to the point that future “exclusive” boyfriends or girlfriends are jealous of the relationship with the ex. And things get really complicated when each person has gone through multiple relationships, with multiple “exes”.

I don’t know how much of this starts in high school. I know it happens when kids go away to college, and thereafter. And I think it’s all just really wierd.

 

[trevor]

For my children, I have made it very clear. NO DATING…period. The only reason to date is to court which means to marry. The problem with dating is that it is not serious, it’s just dating. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that, “Oh, they’re just dating. No harm in that. Everyone does it”. What good can come from letting our children date? Make a pros and cons sheet and the cons will far outweigh the pros.

Their are too many inherent risks to dating that most children are unable to resist, even if they are brought up properly.

Sorry for getting on the soapbox here but as parents we really need to get a grip on things. There are studies upon studies that list so many problems associated with children who, at a very young age, who start dating and…you know the rest.

Stay firm on this and your kids will thank you later. As a matter of fact, they might not thank you because they won’t be carrying around that extra baggage like so many of us, so they won’t know what to thank you for.

ybiC,
Trevor

 

[slackernerd]

JimG:

I’m wondering whether, because exclusivity is now pushed, is that a reason why more than 60% of high school students have engaged in sex by graduation, compared to something closer to zero percent in my day?

In high school and college(I’m 20 now), I’ve known a lot of people who have sex without even dating or knowing the partner’s last name, especially if they were drunk or if the guy was much older and taking advantage of some young female high school freshman. Plenty of people in exclusive relationships have sex too, but I bet a lot of that 60% consists of one night stands. Some people have a perception that if a girl dates a bunch of guys only once or twice than that means she’s probably having sex with all of them. It’s still pretty pathetic that “one” has turned into “one at a time”.

 

[TreeHugger]

porthos11:

I think no one should start dating till after they graduate from college. Before that, it’s STUDY, STUDY, STUDY!!!.

Sometimes this is not God’s plan. At least for my fiance and I, we are not done our schooling, but feel God’s call for marriage. I never thought I would get married in my 3rd year of university, or that I would be the first among friends to marry, but here I am!

 

[rayne89]

MooCowSteph:

Teenagers are the most irrational creatures on the face of the earth- mush worse than 2 year-olds. :whacky:

:yup: I agree. I was that irrational teenager who would listen to no one -including my closest friends about whether I should get married at the ripe old age of 18 or not. I followed my heart and not my head. Was it easy? Not by a long shot. There were red flags everywhere.
My hubby was a good guy with a good heart but very poor judgement (except when it came to me of course ). He had emotional problems and a drinking problem that I was blinded to. And I had baggage of my own. We should be a statistic by now but by the grace of God we’re not.

Was it luck? No way. Hard work, prayer, and fierce determination to make it work. And we both had a lot of growing up to do.Did it pay off. You bet. I think what if I would have listened to all of that sound advise and not ran off and got married? I wasn’t dating my hubby just to date. And infact I avoided dating because I really didn’t trust guys intentions. I felt something special. I grabbed on and wouldn’t let go.

I just think my heart didn’t steer me wrong, but it sure got broke a lot to get where we are today. It’s funny how what doesn’t break you makes you stronger. We are so solid in our marriage, and so in love I feel like a teenager again in many ways.

I’m thinking I’ll have to see where my daughters maturity level is and most of all pray fo God to bless her with a Godly man. I hope to give her the best guidance I can but in the end if her will is anything like mine I pray she makes good choices for herself.

 

[JimG]

slackernerd:

In high school and college(I’m 20 now), I’ve known a lot of people who have sex without even dating or knowing the partner’s last name, especially if they were drunk or if the guy was much older and taking advantage of some young female high school freshman.

Not sure if I have a handle on the modern terminology, but I think, that would be “hooking up,” which is sex without commitment, or even names. “Hanging out” is less serious. Maybe we should encourage more hanging out without hooking up.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

JimG:

Not sure if I have a handle on the modern terminology, but I think, that would be “hooking up,” which is sex without commitment, or even names. “Hanging out” is less serious. Maybe we should encourage more hanging out without hooking up.

I think you are right on the money. I taped last night’s tv special on teens and sex. I haven’t watched it yet, but from the beginning I heard “hooking up” alot. I look forward to watching it to see how much things may have changed in the short time since I was a teenager.

Malia

 

[Podo2004]

Mac6yver:

Why would that be great? Do you wish to try to reinforce that what you believe is correct?

My wife and I are both 24, we met when we were 16. We dated, engaged in pre-marital sex, lived together, bought a house, and then got married. You know what though, we could not be happier. We also never allowed any of this to intervene in our studies. She is a teacher and I am a financial counselor. This may surprise you, but you do not need religion to be happy.

Actually if you ask me, religion no wait God is the greatest source of happiness in my life, in all our lives, without him what man could be happy, certainly no one i’ve met.( BTW God falls in the category of RELIGION ok?)
Podo

 

[Fashina86]

I don’t know what to say… I know that children in 7-9 grade are much to young. My mom says that dating is to find a spouse, but… can friends just go out for fun? Is it wrong to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Many friends ask that… and I am not always sure how to answer… Help!

God Bless–JMJ
Laura

 

[Argh]

I’m 19 and I’m a firm believer in “steady” dating. I’ve been with my gf for 2 years now, after all !

We met when I was 17 and she was 16; she sat on me in band class and we both asked each other out on Valentine’s day a week later. I couldnt be happier.

 

[Argh]

I just gotta let this all out:

In response to earlier posts about “hooking up” I regret to inform you that large majority of people my age dont think pre-marital sex is 1) a big deal 2) moral unacceptable.

I think that this is largely due to the wonderful culture we live in today. Hormone driven teenagers pretty much think any sort of rebellion is cool. What’s more rebellious than having sex? Sex ed. teachers tell us to abstain, so abstainance must be uncool. Besides, everyone else is “doin it”, right? Turn on the tv, sex is everywhere (like you needed to be told that) and almost everyone on tv is “doin it” and telling us its just fine. There arent any serious consequences to pre-marital sex on the show “Friends” or most other shows. The worst I know of is MTV, wow, there’s actually a gay version of the show “Room Raiders”. How about “The Real World?”, sex, drunkeness, homosexuality, watch it all here! What’s worse is that society tells us guys its manly and natural to sleep with as many girls as possible. But for girls, it’s slutty. Something doesn’t add up.

There IS still hope out there. I wasnt always supportive of chastity, I wasnt a good Catholic a while back and hormones do crazy things, in case you old people forgot. The reason I’m still a virgin is because of my Athiest/Agnostic girlfriend is committed to waiting for marriage. That’s right, my **Athiest/Agnostic **girlfriend. I’m sooo glad she sat on me… Not every teenager is “doin it” and thinks it’s just fine. I had a conversation about it with 3 female floormates today and 2 are waiting for marriage and the third regrets losing her virginity. TV shows seem to be showing more attention to the side-effects of pre-marital sex and pregnancy too. Not much more, but it’s there.

Things I thnk parents/clergy/whoever should do to remedy the situation:

1. Talk about sex and sexuality. Teach kids about it. DONT, for goodness sake, teach it as something dirty or worse, not talk about it. And “Just say ‘no’” doesn’t work well without some explaination and support.
2. Kids need better role models. It’s soo cliche, but it’s soo true. And no, Paris Hilton and 50 cent arent good role models, but you all knew that.
3. Take back the media. Not just the TV or music but anything carrying a message. I’m against government censorship, but not against turning the TV off and writing letters of disapproval. For example, when I was 13-14, a department store (cant remember which one) ran an underwear ad featuring a guy and a girl together in their underwear, in the same ad. My CCD teacher called the store customer relations and learned she was one of thousands complaining and was issued an apology.
   I like violent video games, I admit it. But I;m 19 and I know what I’m doing isnt real and I dont let it influence me. Parents pay attention, that’s all. Did “DOOM” make Harris and Klebold shoot up their school? No, they had deep psychological problems, but they used “DOOM” as an outlet for their pain rather than something positive.

Ther, I’m done, just had to get that out. Parents: morality isnt dead, fellow young people: your not alone either.