Teenagers: to date steady or not

[Steven_Merten]

Hello All,

In the begining it was God’s plan that a woman leave her family and a man shall leave his home and the two shall become one flesh. This plan was repeated by Jesus. In my mind this would put the age 16 through 20 as the prime spouce finding time period in God’s eyes. Waiting too long can turn the precious gift of sexual attraction into a tremendous burden of temptation. “It is not good for man to be alone.”

I believe in fighting the sins of divorce and fornication on there own basis and we should not blame these sins on marrying young which seems to be God’s will. Not all people find and marry thier life mate at a young age and this is certianly not a sin. I think that to find your lifes mate and then abandon them to focus on college, buying a house and travel, before settling down, is not how God designed it.

NAB MATTHEW 19:4
He said in reply, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’
and said, **‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?
**So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”
NAB EPHESIANS 5:31

“For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

NAB GENESIS 2:18

The LORD God said: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him."
So the LORD God formed out of the ground various wild animals and various birds of the air, and he brought them to the man to see what he would call them; whatever the man called each of them would be its name.
The man gave names to all the cattle, all the birds of the air, and all the wild animals; but none proved to be the suitable partner for the man.
So the LORD God cast a deep sleep on the man, and while he was asleep, he took out one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.
The LORD God then built up into a woman the rib that he had taken from the man. When he brought her to the man,
the man said: “This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; This one shall be called ‘woman,’ for out of ‘her man’ this one has been taken.”
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.

Peace in Christ,
Steven Merten
www.ILOVEYOUGOD.com

 

[Arwen037]

I sort of see dating as a way to find out what you like in a guy, and what you woul dlike in a husband. I don’t think it is a good idea to date the same person your entire life and never date anyone else. But I also don’t think too much of the practice of going out with a differant guy every week (unless of course you keep making bad judgements, you shouldn’t stay in a bad relationship for any reason). If you only date one person, then that is what you will know. If you date a few people then you will see what more people are like. I also am a very strong believer in being friends with a person BEFORE you go out with them.

 

[Leeta]

No dating until after college seems a good rule of thumb and especially not steady dating before that. Before that group activities just having good, clean fun. My 21-year old son announced in the summer that he had a girl-friend who was working all summer in a state at least a thousand miles away. It was a very interesting way to date, by telephone and by letter. Then she came to town and he was over visiting her every evening. So I asked him if he and she were ready to get married. he said no. He’s a junior in a very demanding engineering program, so he actually has little free time. He has a job which barely pays his tuition. So I told him to reevaluate the relationship and to talk to his spiritual director, a priest. He did and the girlfriend called it off. Now my husband and I were married in college and it is not easy to concentrate on studies and you almost have to move in with your parents which we did. It strained my relationship with my in-laws. But the big problem is the separation caused by the continuing education. Also, both must be willing to stop buying anything and everything and live on nothing. We ate a lot of potatoes and cabbage. Teenagers have a brain dysfunction, so keep them exercising and distract them with work and study. Always ask them, are you ready to get married now? The emotional bonding is the beginning of marital intimacy. That is why I would not recommend dating as teenagers. I have sons, so I know how immature they are yet. So unless there is a practical plan-job, education completed, forget it.

 

[crusader4life]

This can be a tricky situation.

I’m 18 and I’ve never dated. Sometimes I’m just curious what it would be like to have a date but overall I believed I haven’t missed much. I think one of the main problems is how fast some people jump into those kinds of relationships. From experience I believe it’s best to first be friends. You can do the same activities together, but without the pressure of dating. (best of both worlds) Then keep this friendship for a really long time. Then after about a year or so (preferably when your out of high school) if you find you’re still interested in each other, then consider dating and so forth. For your friendship has set a foundation for your courting relationship. This can also ensure that you’ll still talk to each other if the dating doesn’t work out.

Taking it slow is hard but it’s well worth it. Through this way you’re able to relate to people of the opposite sex without having to date them. In pursute of a partner, you’d always have to remember, “Love is patient, so you’ve got to be.”

 

[Genesis315]

I think it’s a good idea to figure out what you’re looking for beforehand. Then go out and look for that person while also praying you’ll meet them. That’s what I did and two weeks after I started praying for this specific girl only known to my imagination, I met her. And she was more than I could have ever asked for. I thank God every chance I get.

For your friendship has set a foundation for your courting relationship. This can also ensure that you’ll still talk to each other if the dating doesn’t work out.

Actually, I hate to say it but many girls don’t like dating guys they are good friends wih because they’re afraid to “ruin the friendship.” If dating doesn’t work out, it makes things awkward to stay good friends. Just a word to the wise.

 

[chevalier]

I apologise in advance for hurting anyone’s feelings, especially of those who mean well. My words will not be mild.

I am deeply, and I repeat: deeply, against any such rule. I believe it’s better to forbid dating at all than to forbid dating anyone twice in a row. I believe such a rule, so long as the meeting is called a date, bears a heavy risk of pushing the child in promiscuity. I believe it contradicts the “one man and one woman” order. Dating is romantic. I believe it is immoral to have more than one romantic relationship at a time, even if no physical signs of affection take place. I believe it’s immoral, if romantic talk, looking on the stars, dancing to romantic music and similar things are allowed, to suggest that it’s good to have those with many people at a time, each only once. Especially if anything like holding hands or kissing or slow dancing is going to be involved.

A Christian pre-marital relationship, or a dating relationship - considering early stages, is always meant to discern marriage. If limited to one meating with a person, the purpose is not achieved and therefore such dating is superfluous, vain. The only advantage is learning how to behave in social situations. Perhaps some knowledge of the opposite sex will be gained.

Also, such an arbitrary rule with easily contested reasoning behind it, bears a heavy risk of harming the child. It may result in the child rebelling against parents in the name of his feelings or even in the name of his values, should they be contradicted by such a rule - and there is a strong chance of this happening. Should the child submit to his parents, especially if this were caused by perceived necessity of faith under the penalty of mortal sin or something worse, the child is in for internal conflicts. Such conflicts can, in my view, potentially lead to a crisis of faith. They may affect negatively the child’s self-esteem and perception of himself as a person.

Moreoever, harm may be done to the child’s subsequent dates if they are denied a second time so easily as allowed the first and only one. This may reflect negatively on proper development and give a bad sentiment for the opposite gender.

The child’s reputation may be harmed, too, for non-exclusive dating.

Before finishing, let me stress again that a mere suggestion that engaging in romantic behaviour with more than one person at a time, or with a person whom one isn’t supposed to give a second meeting, appears to me deeply wrong. I cannot accept that.

I realise the risks associated with allowing a child to pursue serious relationships. They are often serious only in terms of damage done. Parents should, first of all, give the child a good grounding in the principles of the faith regarding relationships. A list of do’s and don’t’s won’t suffice. There must be some positive value and that value the child needs to embrace as his own. If the teenager seems to be bound on bending and circumventing the rules instead of understanding them, perhaps he shouldn’t date. If the teenager desperately wants to “do things” and “things” seem more important than persons, perhaps he shouldn’t date. There surely are places where he shouldn’t go alone and places where he shouldn’t go at all because temptation might be substantially stronger than elsewhere. But it doesn’t mean the teenager should be allowed to go there with a different person each time.

I realise that with “steadies” things may tend to go too far if not supervised. But promoting short meaningless flings is not the answer. In my opinion, a better answer is to watch the teenager’s company, with whom he’s hanging out, whom inviting home etc. Perhaps it’s not a good idea to leave him with another teenager of the opposite gender unsupervised. However, this still shouldn’t be done in such a manner as to show the teenager he’s already culpable before doing anything or that he is guilty until proven innocent. There must be some trust and some respect for the word of a teenager who hasn’t been caught lying. Treat him like a potential criminal and he will become one.

And talk. Talk. Talk. Talk a lot. Give books to read. Sign for classes in the church or elsewhere, if applicable. Share your own experience. If the teenager becomes attached to a girl or the boy, why not invite the (special) friend for a dinner, or for a picnic or elsewhere with the family. It would also be a good opportunity to talk to that acquintance and make sure it isn’t undesirable for any moral reasons and is not harfmul to our child in any way. A prolonged conversation with that friend’s parents would be very much in order. Why not a two-family picnic or barbecue or whatever, anyway. Surely the kids can do various things together under the proper supervision and instruction of a parent of either of them, possibly learning some skills useful in life. From fishing, through gardening to fixing stuff. Whatever.

 

[chevalier]

Pray, pray, pray. For the child, with the child, even with the teenager’s friend and with the friend’s parents if it can be done. Make the two teens pray together if it looks like their bond is growing. One could even teach them to pray every time before (and when) they exchange a hug or a kiss. Treat them seriously and they will treat you seriously. Seriously means no tiny concessions and no getting away with things.

Finally, remember that in mediaeval Europe, girls gave birth at the age of sixteen and this wasn’t always the first child. Boys appeared on battlefield. It goes the same way in Middle East nowadays. While this can mean might hormone play, this also means they are capable of understanding a responsible, exclusive relationship. And can be grounded in chastity. With the proper upgringing, they won’t put out the moment they become steady with someone. If they were like that, letting them have dates each time with a different person would lead them straight to promiscuity, which would be even worse.

Delaying the contact with reality past a certain age will be just it - delaying. They will be delayed. As in, retarted. Having problems finding their own place in the world. A very dangerous situation, already. Especially for a girl.

Still, if you want to forbid and can’t be convinced, forbid everything. No fooling around and flinging stuff. Sure, it would be very proper to have a talk about big words and promises and warning the minor against seeing things for more than they are, making promises too hastily, falling for the “if you loved me you would…” line.

At any rate, the positive values are truth, charity, honesty, chastity, fidelity, responsibility, honour, prudence. Not avoiding attachment and commitment.

Don’t cripple your child and make him a “no obligations” kind of man/woman.

Once again I stress than non-exclusive looks like very bad conduct to me. I see it as hardly honest, and potentially harmful. It leads to treating people as objects, either for satisfying one’s romantic/emotional needs (much like it works with the “bad things” for satiating one’s sexual needs) or to other people being lab bunnies on one’s way to discovering what he/she really wants from life.

When any sort of intimate hugging or any kissing at all is performed in a romantic context in such non-exclusive dating, I can’t call it anything else than Promiscuity Lite if I’m going to keep my conscience clean.

Hanging out with friends, going to pubs with them, dancing clubs, holidays, group activities, whatever, is fun and a great way to get to know people. But romantic things are meant to be exclusive. At any level.

Please forgive me if I’ve hurt anyone’s feelings or offended anyone. God bless.