Tell my wife?

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notreallysure

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This is really a very focused question and I would appreciate it if we did not stray too far. I do not ask that you agree with the background/assumptions that go in to the question; but debating the assumptions will not help me or give me what I am looking for.
  1. My wife and I have discussed the issue many times and she has told me that if I ever committed adultery, stopped, was sorry, had reformed and had confessed, that she would NOT want to know. She would consider me telling her to be a very selfish act that would only hurt her with the sole goal being that I would feel better/have less guilt.
  2. My wife knows that in the past I have struggled with porn.
  3. My wife told me that I needed to beat the porn and that she felt it was affecting our marriage.
  4. In response to that, I worked at it very hard.
  5. My wife knows that I have been beating that addiction for about 2 years.
The question:
I have recently slipped backwards on the porn issue–Do I share this with her? Or is this a situation like fact #1 that I should keep to myself?

On one hand I feel as if she may be able to help. On the other, I worry that sharing this with her would just be a selfish act and that I just need to try harder by myself.

As I said, I know from other threads that many may disagree with the attitude expressed in #1, but it is her attitude and it forms the basis for the question. What do I do given these facts?
 
First, how do you anticipate her helping if you tell her?

Second, does she recognize that beating an addiction is a process and a lifetime journey?

Third, what solution do you have in place for her to feel reassured that you are serious about getting out of the backward slide you’ve recently experienced? (Such as, having her install a password for you to even use the computer, putting the computer in a public place–like the living room, limiting your computer time to happening only when she’s home, etc.)
 
If your relapse is ongoing, and if your wife can help you in some way return to the straight & narrow, then ask for her help.

If the relapse was a momentary weakness that you think you have rectified, then don’t tell her.
 
Your wife already knows about your porn problem and did not tell you to keep it to yourself. Does your wife now consider porn to be equivalent to adultery? If you conceal this incident, will it lead you to be likely to lie to her about something or diminish the honesty in your relationship?

Two years of sobriety is great! Keep it up! (yeah, I didn’t answer your question. If it were me, I’d indicate that some troubles were back, but that is me.)
 
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Princess_Abby:
First, how do you anticipate her helping if you tell her?

Second, does she recognize that beating an addiction is a process and a lifetime journey?

Third, what solution do you have in place for her to feel reassured that you are serious about getting out of the backward slide you’ve recently experienced? (Such as, having her install a password for you to even use the computer, putting the computer in a public place–like the living room, limiting your computer time to happening only when she’s home, etc.)
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  1. I think that she could help by general support and also just spending more time with me (not talking about sex here). If I am with her, I am not looking at porn and also it strengthens me.
Also, she has told me in the past that she thinks I am somewhat scrupulous and, this recent activity is somewhat different than the past and is more “pornish” than porn I think. But, I think she could also help me assess how bad this slide is or whether it even is a slide.
  1. Yes.
  2. Not sure, for various work reasons it is not feasible to lock the computer in any way. My past successes have all just been based upon will.
 
It seems your wife is concerned about any motive you might have in confessing to her…so I imagine the same logic applies.

You say you have slipped a bit…

What are **your **reasons for telling her (not hers. Yours)?

What are your reasons for not telling her?
 
What you need to get here is a MALE best friend who shares you catholic values and will hold your heine to the fire regularly about how you are doing. Regular confession is critical too.

The spiritual support of another MAN on this is going to be more effective in helping you beat it than anything your wife can provide. Sorry girls.

Once you are firmly back on the wagon, you should discuss with your buddy and your confessor whether to tell your wife. At least then you have some good news for her as well.
 
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YinYangMom:
It seems your wife is concerned about any motive you might have in confessing to her…so I imagine the same logic applies.

You say you have slipped a bit…

What are **your **reasons for telling her (not hers. Yours)?

What are your reasons for not telling her?
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My main reason for telling her would be to obtain her help to stop the slip. A secondary reason would be so that she can help me judge if I have really slipped esp in her eyes.

My reason for not telling her would be to avoid confrontation and to avoid making her feel bad while making me feel less guilty.
 
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manualman:
What you need to get here is a MALE best friend who shares you catholic values and will hold your heine to the fire regularly about how you are doing. Regular confession is critical too.

The spiritual support of another MAN on this is going to be more effective in helping you beat it than anything your wife can provide. Sorry girls.

Once you are firmly back on the wagon, you should discuss with your buddy and your confessor whether to tell your wife. At least then you have some good news for her as well.
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Perhaps you are right, but there simply is no such catholic male that I consider a good enough friend and no prospects of that changing.

Regular confession is part of my practice, but it does not particularly help.
 
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notreallysure:
My main reason for telling her would be to obtain her help to stop the slip. A secondary reason would be so that she can help me judge if I have really slipped esp in her eyes.

My reason for not telling her would be to avoid confrontation and to avoid making her feel bad while making me feel less guilty.
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Eh, I still think I would let on you are having problems. Don’t just dump it on her, though. Manualman is right that a male could be helpful to you here. I’ve been taken down a peg or two before on these boards for saying that, so just to be clear, yes, a woman can be helpful to her husband, just, if you get the chance, a male support could prove helpful to you.
 
Interesting dilemma. I would think that this falls into your first point and I would not say anything. She has told you that she feels the porn is affecting the marriage, that sounds close enough to adultery for me. Also, it doesn’t seem like you have any real plan as to how she would help.

What do you mean “pornish”?
 
You wouldn’t have to tell her that you’ve already slipped backward, but instead that you are having very heavy temptations to do so.

This way, you could ask for her help to prevent that temptation. This would not be outright lying since you ARE dealing with heavier temptations than usual.

Now if she outright asks if you’ve already slipped after this… maybe someone else can come up with an answer to that part of the problem. I would be ready for that question to come up.
 
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notreallysure:
My main reason for telling her would be to obtain her help to stop the slip. A secondary reason would be so that she can help me judge if I have really slipped esp in her eyes.
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Good and honorable reasons, not selfish…though I would note, the ‘especially’ should be about God’s eyes, more than hers, though, for now, I can see your wife **represents **God in your life, and it’s a really good thing that you recognize that.
My reason for not telling her would be to avoid confrontation and to avoid making her feel bad while making me feel less guilty.
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Then the key is all in how you approach the subject. Perhaps you should just be direct, “Hon, I need your help. You are my strength and my guide. I love you so much I want only to please you and make you proud, but I’m struggling again with that old habit and I don’t want to face it alone. Pray with me, talk to me, remind me again about the value of human life and dignity so that I can resist the temptations around me…”

Along those lines…If she says, “Yes, I’ll help you.” then start right away with a prayer. Hold hands during it, and then begin your discussion…

I can’t see how she would get angry this way because it’s evident you aren’t telling her just to make yourself feel better. Any wife knows how difficult it is for a husband to turn to her for help…men are so independent…so your approaching her for assistance is a humbling position and honest. You aren’t confessing, you’re asking for help so that you won’t have to confess anything down the line. All wives want to be partners in their marriages. Your turning to her, including her before it gets bad, is a good thing.

Now, if you’ve already slipped by viewing porn - go to confession, do the penance, and then talk to your wife about the struggles you are facing - how they are presenting themselves, when they are occurring, what you’re doing in an attempt to resist, what isn’t working.

Personally, since past events have been confessed and are non-existent in God’s eyes, I would consider them non-existent in life and therefore would not confess them to your wife after having had them absolved. But if she asks if you’ve already slipped, you have to be honest - say, “Yes. So I immediately went to confession about it and am now turning to you because I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t like this about me, I don’t like that it would hurt you and our marriage. I can’t do this alone. I need your help.”
 
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CuriousInIL:
Interesting dilemma. I would think that this falls into your first point and I would not say anything. She has told you that she feels the porn is affecting the marriage, that sounds close enough to adultery for me. Also, it doesn’t seem like you have any real plan as to how she would help.

What do you mean “pornish”?
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By pornish, I am referring to swimsuit type photos, VS catalog, R rated movies (for nudity), etc.
 
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notreallysure:
By pornish, I am referring to swimsuit type photos, VS catalog, R rated movies (for nudity), etc.
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Aww…what a sweetheart you are to recognize ‘pornish’ in those things!! You have come a long way in your addiction and should not be ashamed to turn to your wife for help with those specific temptations. Goodness, she knows those are things you do not have to seek out to find, but are things that are thrown into your face everywhere you turn. She can and will help you with those. Together, you two can come up with ways to minimize those sources of temptation for you and for your children.
 
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YinYangMom:
Good and honorable reasons, not selfish…though I would note, the ‘especially’ should be about God’s eyes, more than hers, though, for now, I can see your wife **represents **God in your life, and it’s a really good thing that you recognize that.

Then the key is all in how you approach the subject. Perhaps you should just be direct, “Hon, I need your help. You are my strength and my guide. I love you so much I want only to please you and make you proud, but I’m struggling again with that old habit and I don’t want to face it alone. Pray with me, talk to me, remind me again about the value of human life and dignity so that I can resist the temptations around me…”

Along those lines…If she says, “Yes, I’ll help you.” then start right away with a prayer. Hold hands during it, and then begin your discussion…

I can’t see how she would get angry this way because it’s evident you aren’t telling her just to make yourself feel better. Any wife knows how difficult it is for a husband to turn to her for help…men are so independent…so your approaching her for assistance is a humbling position and honest. You aren’t confessing, you’re asking for help so that you won’t have to confess anything down the line. All wives want to be partners in their marriages. Your turning to her, including her before it gets bad, is a good thing.

Now, if you’ve already slipped by viewing porn - go to confession, do the penance, and then talk to your wife about the struggles you are facing - how they are presenting themselves, when they are occurring, what you’re doing in an attempt to resist, what isn’t working.

Personally, since past events have been confessed and are non-existent in God’s eyes, I would consider them non-existent in life and therefore would not confess them to your wife after having had them absolved. But if she asks if you’ve already slipped, you have to be honest - say, “Yes. So I immediately went to confession about it and am now turning to you because I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t like this about me, I don’t like that it would hurt you and our marriage. I can’t do this alone. I need your help.”
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WOW. This is a very helpful and powerful post that has given me much to think about. Bless you and thank you.
 
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notreallysure:
This is really a very focused question and I would appreciate it if we did not stray too far. I do not ask that you agree with the background/assumptions that go in to the question; but debating the assumptions will not help me or give me what I am looking for.
  1. My wife and I have discussed the issue many times and she has told me that if I ever committed adultery, stopped, was sorry, had reformed and had confessed, that she would NOT want to know. She would consider me telling her to be a very selfish act that would only hurt her with the sole goal being that I would feel better/have less guilt.
  2. My wife knows that in the past I have struggled with porn.
  3. My wife told me that I needed to beat the porn and that she felt it was affecting our marriage.
  4. In response to that, I worked at it very hard.
  5. My wife knows that I have been beating that addiction for about 2 years.
The question:
I have recently slipped backwards on the porn issue–Do I share this with her? Or is this a situation like fact #1 that I should keep to myself?

On one hand I feel as if she may be able to help. On the other, I worry that sharing this with her would just be a selfish act and that I just need to try harder by myself.

As I said, I know from other threads that many may disagree with the attitude expressed in #1, but it is her attitude and it forms the basis for the question. What do I do given these facts?
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Keep it to yourself. I totally agree with her. Unless she can actually do something to make a difference in your struggle…keep it to yourself and keep trying.
 
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manualman:
What you need to get here is a MALE best friend who shares you catholic values and will hold your heine to the fire regularly about how you are doing. Regular confession is critical too.

The spiritual support of another MAN on this is going to be more effective in helping you beat it than anything your wife can provide. Sorry girls.

Once you are firmly back on the wagon, you should discuss with your buddy and your confessor whether to tell your wife. At least then you have some good news for her as well.
Click to expand...
I think this is excellent advise. I wonder if the Church has any 12 step sex addict programs that could provide this type of support. Otherwise, I think there are sexaholics 12 step programs available. Check the newspaper.

My advise would be to get back on the wagon, and don’t burden your wife with your backsliding. 2 years is a great accomplishment, don’t get discouraged. Next time will probably be a longer period, you’ve proven you can do it! Focus on the positives!
 
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Princess_Abby:
…Third, what solution do you have in place for her to feel reassured that you are serious about getting out of the backward slide you’ve recently experienced? (Such as, having her install a password for you to even use the computer, putting the computer in a public place–like the living room, limiting your computer time to happening only when she’s home, etc.)
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She is his wife, not his mother
~ Kathy ~
 
I commend you for your struggle. I saw this moving program on EWTN’s The Journey Home where Kenneth Henderson so blessedly shared his struggles with pornography addiction. He formed this True Knights website. trueknights.org/ With strength from God’s gift of grace through confession, and practical help and guidance from those who have suffered the same addiction, may you find the beautiful path you and your wife deserve.

Just me,
breeze
 
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