Telling parents about having SSA

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

… experiencing “emotion” towards a person of the same sex is not nearly the same “shaming” experience as experiencing a sexual attraction (especially for someone such as myself who was correctly taught proper use and purpose of sexuality from a relatively young age, and therefore knew there was something amiss with experiencing sexual attraction to the same sex).

I think what you are talking about here is “healthy shame” which tells you you are going to want to be on your guard. It is the second and not the first stage in SSA.

The first stage, the emotion stage, is a sort of emotional friendship, by contrast with just plain friendship (which we can call stage 0). Children sometimes have this kind of stage 1 emotional friendship. (Whether it had even got as far as that with my friend’s son I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. The point is, it can look the same as ordinary friendship, especially from the inside, especially to the young - which is why they get trapped into thinking they are trapped.)

 

[Rau]

Rau,

I was over-reacting to you in this instance.

You are both doing fine-ish.

It seems to me there are 5 stages:

• emotion towards a person of the same sex
• beginnings of sexual attraction towards a person of the same sex (what Bob seems to describe)
• lustful feeling towards a person of the same sex
• planning of homosexual acts
• homosexual acts

The world calls all five of these “gay”. The Freudian approach which unfortunately has sometimes made inroads into the Church calls the last four “homosexual”.

Well, emotions (and their expression) are varied and nebulous, and sometimes goal-seeking (intentionally so, or by their effect). Debating whether the first bullet, in full generality, belongs within the realm of homosexuality, would seem a hopeless endeavour. We would have to nail down how it might. We might also find that bullets 1 and 2 don’t always occur in the order you list them, but the reverse.

I have a very good friend I meet up with a few times every week. I like him. I like to be around him. I like conversations with him. There is some level of emotion(s) here I presume. But they are neither sexually driven nor vaguely directed to any (however remote) sexual end. Clearly they are not part of “homosexual”.

 

[Sarcelle]

Well, emotions (and their expression) are varied and nebulous, and sometimes goal-seeking (intentionally so, or by their effect). Debating whether the first bullet, in full generality, belongs within the realm of homosexuality, would seem a hopeless endeavour. We would have to nail down how it might. We might also find that bullets 1 and 2 don’t always occur in the order you list them, but the reverse.

I have a very good friend I meet up with a few times every week. I like him. I like to be around him. I like conversations with him. There is some level of emotion(s) here I presume. But they are neither sexually driven nor vaguely directed to any (however remote) sexual end. Clearly they are not part of “homosexual”.

Sex has been front center and an obsession for far too long that good old fashioned friendship between people of the same sex is forgotten. Especially friendships between men.

 

[bobballen_18]

I think what you are talking about here is “healthy shame” which tells you you are going to want to be on your guard.

No, I do not think I’m talking about “healthy shame”. I don’t know, I suppose there could be an element of good in the shame that I have experienced, but this shame has led to the harmful mindsets I have which have helped lead to my difficulties in building relationships with people.

There’s probably good discussion to be had regarding the role of shame in the lives of those with SSA. I don’t know. I do know that for quite a while now, possibly since middle school and definitely since high school, I have been extremely ashamed of the fact that I am sexually attracted to the same sex, and this has been a huge factor in my ability to relate especially to other men and in general to most people.

The source of the shame is also probably debatable but another good part of the discussion. Like I mentioned above, some of what leads to the shame might actually be good, insofar as one recognizes that there is something “improper” or “not quite right” with being attracted to the same sex. But there’s also another aspect to the shame which leads one to the false belief that he is somehow “less” than others and he is “no good” because of whatever it is (in this case, having SSA).

 

[TimoteoGiuseppe]

Don’t fight it. You are as God made you. Trust me. You are too young for anything but happiness. I have been there, done that… but no more. Feel free to message me if you wish.

 

[heart4home]

Don’t fight it. You are as God made you. Trust me. You are too young for anything but happiness. I have been there, done that… but no more. Feel free to message me if you wish.

As long as you understand what happiness is. I’m wondering from your vague response here if you really do.

We find true happiness when we seek after God and His ways, not our own foolish ideas of what will bring us happiness.

 

[bobballen_18]

Don’t fight it. You are as God made you. Trust me. You are too young for anything but happiness. I have been there, done that… but no more. Feel free to message me if you wish.

If it’s the OP (me) you’re responding to, then I agree with what heart4home has said:

As long as you understand what happiness is. I’m wondering from your vague response here if you really do.

We find true happiness when we seek after God and His ways, not our own foolish ideas of what will bring us happiness.

…and I also think it depends on what you’re telling me not to fight and why.

Yes, I am as God made me - I am called, as we all are, to take a look at my experiences and ask myself how they can reveal to me my true identity as a male, a human person, and as a child of God, because those things are pretty much the essence of “as God made me”.