Telling the Family about my Lust Problem?

[robertmidwest]

Thanks for good reminders. Indeed I agree, transitioning is tough. I am experiencing that firsthand. I am starting to pay for gas myself, starting to become more independent. But I’m not sure if you understand the extent that porn is secretly consuming my life. They say something is compulsive when it takes priority over the more important things in life. My porn addiction has led me to lose crazy amounts of sleep (went 2 and a half hours one night this past week), procrastinate to the extreme on duties and homework during school, be late for meetings for college groups I’m involved in, neglect to help out my dad in his work, neglect hanging out with my family, look at it while I’m driving twice, masturbating in public bathrooms sometimes for hours and more. You tell me which of those behaviors is normal behavior for someone my age. I know I am forgiven, but I also know there is work to do and that I need help.

Thank you for the well wishes.

Staying up late, withdrawing from family and friends, procrastinating, lack of self discipline are all problems adolescents work through.

Your most immediate problem, and serious one, is the behavior in public restrooms. You are opening yourself up to getting your beat up, raped, arrested, having to register as a sex offender. Make stopping that a your number one priority.

 

[jesusalright4me]

Staying up late, withdrawing from family and friends, procrastinating, lack of self discipline are all problems adolescents work through.

Your most immediate problem, and serious one, is the behavior in public restrooms. You are opening yourself up to getting your beat up, raped, arrested, having to register as a sex offender. Make stopping that a your number one priority.

I agree about the public restroom, that that needs to be my number one priority. I’ve done it in the past because I feel like I just have to have the fix and there is no other place that I could get away with it. It’s usually been in non busy restrooms or single restrooms. But do you still deny that I may have some sort of addiction/compulsive behavior to this stuff?

Adolescents who struggle with alcoholism (yes, they’re out there, I’ve had a friend who has) also may isolate themselves from their family, procrastinate, sneak off into a private place (not a restroom, but somewhere), stay up extremely late, and drink and drive all simply because they want to have alcohol so bad and think they can’t do without it. Do we just dismiss them as going through a transition stage? I don’t think so.

I feel like not treating my problem like an addiction is wishful thinking and only serves to worsen the problem. What do you think?

 

[jesusalright4me]

And as a disclaimer: yes I’m fully aware that I naturally have a higher sex drive now. But the way it is manifesting itself and the way that I can’t seem to keep it under control for more than a week tells me I’m addicted. At least that’s what I think.

 

[robertmidwest]

What do you think?

I think that even the public area behavior sometimes happens with normal adolescents. For the exact reason that you described–they belief that there is no other place to go.

You have confession available when you need it. I don’t think you are as different form any other adolescent male as you think you are. Even the problems you describe with your father are fairly normal. Many young adult begin to question their parent feeling towards them.

The only radical decision you need to make is to stop the public restroom behavior. The rest… do the best you can and confess when you need it.

 

[jesusalright4me]

I think that even the public area behavior sometimes happens with normal adolescents. For the exact reason that you described–they belief that there is no other place to go.

You have confession available when you need it. I don’t think you are as different form any other adolescent male as you think you are. Even the problems you describe with your father are fairly normal. Many young adult begin to question their parent feeling towards them.

The only radical decision you need to make is to stop the public restroom behavior. The rest… do the best you can and confess when you need it.

Alright, fair enough. Perhaps it is. Also, I am two years out from being an adolescent, so I’m not really one, though I am close.

I still think it’s an addiction to a degree, and that any adolescent can get hooked on it easily. I guess we will just have to agree to disagree. I am just curious: you mentioned before that you believe that porn can become an addiction. If you aren’t really sure if I have an addiction, then what constitutes a porn addiction to you?

Also, I’ve made it a goal to try not only to stop the public acts, but private as well. Though I’m concerned about getting in trouble with the laws here, I’m more concerned about the state of my eternal soul.

 

[MaryT777]

And as a disclaimer: yes I’m fully aware that I naturally have a higher sex drive now. But the way it is manifesting itself and the way that I can’t seem to keep it under control for more than a week tells me I’m addicted. At least that’s what I think.

I really think your forthrightness and willingness to discuss this issue on this forum could be so helpful to many who read the forum only. Many people read this forum and don’t post.
God bless you for your willingness to discuss what I read is a common struggle and your thoughts about it.

I just check and there have been 25 replies but 580 views of this topic. May anyone out there struggling be assured of prayers and find support if needed for this issue. You are not alone and God cares and understands and will help you.

 

[robertmidwest]

Also, I’ve made it a goal to try not only to stop the public acts, but private as well. Though I’m concerned about getting in trouble with the laws here, I’m more concerned about the state of my eternal soul.

I understand what you are saying… but God seeing in your heart and understands the mitigating circumstances (maturity, anxiety, etc.) The police won’t. They will just take you to jail and you will have that on your record.

 

[jesusalright4me]

I understand what you are saying… but God seeing in your heart and understands the mitigating circumstances (maturity, anxiety, etc.) The police won’t. They will just take you to jail and you will have that on your record.

That’s true, thanks for the reminder. Something a confessor actually told me once when we were discussing justice, social justice, and divine justice/mercy. God’s is so great, isn’t He?

That said, I want to go for the gold here. I know Christ is merciful, but I also knows that He calls me to greater heights, to be more like Him, which is what I aim for.

 

[jesusalright4me]

I really think your forthrightness and willingness to discuss this issue on this forum could be so helpful to many who read the forum only. Many people read this forum and don’t post.
God bless you for your willingness to discuss what I read is a common struggle and your thoughts about it.

I just check and there have been 25 replies but 580 views of this topic. May anyone out there struggling be assured of prayers and find support if needed for this issue. You are not alone and God cares and understands and will help you.

I too hope it helps others. I will add that I will also pray for anyone who visits and who struggles!

 

[ConfusedLucy]

If you really can’t stop yourself from doing this sort of thing in public toilets then maybe you should get some professional counselling from someone who specializes in addiction.

 

[jesusalright4me]

If you really can’t stop yourself from doing this sort of thing in public toilets then maybe you should get some professional counselling from someone who specializes in addiction.

Indeed, and I do plan on it, as well as spiritual direction.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

I’m a great believer in Self Analyses ,
the Question should never be What did I do,
But rather, What made me do it ,
What is Driving me to a Particular action ?

 

[EasterJoy]

It has to do with my dad’s doubts about my sexual orientation. If he does know that I did what I did a few days ago, then I fear he might jump to conclusions and think I’m looking at SSA material or thinking about it when I fantasize. This is probably me just over thinking.

I also know that my dad is slowly starting to become more involved in his faith, going to men’s programs and such. He’s told me that he’s always viewed my as one of the holiest people he knows. While this is far from the truth, I think I do inspire him in faith at least some. I fear it may have discouraged or scandalized him to find out, so a part of me wonders if I should confront him.

Overall though, you’re right. It’s probably best just to move on. Right now it would just cause more disagreements. There is also a part of me wishfully thinking that I had a dad that would help me fight, but right now, it’s just that, wishful thinking.

Yes, you are over-thinking.

If you wanted to confide in either of your parents for their emotional support or moral guidance, fine. That is what parents are for. If you are not or if you have little hope of receiving those from your parents, then don’t. That is not to say you ought not look for those. Find them in a different reliable source, such as your pastor, confessor, or a different trusted relative.

If you are trying to help your parents avoid rash judgment (in either direction), realize that’s something they need to work on, not you. You cannot cure rash judgment by hooking someone up to a news source. Besides indulging rash judgment as if it were appropriate concern, that invites invasions of privacy later down the road, when they decide to judge rashly about something you have decided to keep private.

 

[Spritus1]

My advice for what it is worth. Do not discuss this with your father or any family member for that matter. If you are worried about what your father thinks re your sexual orientation then just gently but firmly reassure him that you are heterosexual. That is only fair to him given you think he may be worrying. Clearly ending any unnecessary worry on the part of ones father is an act of mercy and charity. I would do this as a first step straight away.

Then. Go to confession. Make a full and honest confession. Go to Mass. Pray the Rosary daily. The surest and easiest way to overcome this particular sin is the Eucharist. More frequent Mass, receiving Holy Communion coupled with frequent contact with Our Lord in Eucharistic adoration. The Eucharist is truly medicine. When you begin to live a ‘Eucharistic’ life you will find it easier to overcome this vice, not with your own power but with Christ’s power working in you.

Pray the rosary. Go to confession if you fall. Get back up. Carry on. You can and will overcome this. Remember, pornography is pure poison. It is a lie. God is merciful BUT he is also just. He will do His part to help you but you must do yours.

It can take a while to overcome bad habits and it WILL be a battle but you will find that once you do you will never regret it.

May God bless you.

 

[dangerousdyls]

I really think your forthrightness and willingness to discuss this issue on this forum could be so helpful to many who read the forum only. Many people read this forum and don’t post.
God bless you for your willingness to discuss what I read is a common struggle and your thoughts about it.

I just check and there have been 25 replies but 580 views of this topic. May anyone out there struggling be assured of prayers and find support if needed for this issue. You are not alone and God cares and understands and will help you.

I agree 100% w/ this ^^^. It really takes some courage to seek out some help on something like this, I commend you for that.

I’ll give some of my own thoughts, these are just my opinions

I do have some experience with this same issue. I’m 31 now. I wouldn’t get too caught up in the labeling of whether it’s an addiction or not. The more important thing is to know that you likely need some help to overcome it, it’s not something you can overcome on your own.

I disagree with the idea that it’s undoubtedly a bad idea to share your struggles with your parents. Part of the reason there’s so much shame about this issue is people don’t talk about it. People like to avoid conflict, it’s easier that way. If you have an urge to tell them, there may be some truth to that. You’re 22, you’re old enough to have a formed sense of what you believe, regardless of what your parents believe. If your parents love you and you’re close to them, I think that warrants enough to tell them. I would go in with the mindset of - “I’m probably not going to convert them on this issue. I’m not going to debate them. But this issue is definitely affecting my life, and I know my parents love me, so I want to let them know.” If you do this with a humble heart and an earnestness for truth, you will touch them.

I say this because I went through the same thing. I didn’t tell my parents for years. I knew they wouldn’t be eye-to-eye with me on this issue. I finally told them a few years ago. We didn’t agree on everything, but we had some good, loving discussions. If you do this humbly, sincerely, quietly, you can actually evangelize with your own story. My Mom hadn’t been to church in years, and she actually started going with me. I also told a few other people I trusted and loved. Nobody condemned or fought with me. I never forced my own beliefs on them, it was more about sharing about my own cross. I felt support and love. Some even opened and shared some of their own struggles.

For me, I wouldn’t take it back for a second, choosing to tell my parents. It was a very, very liberating feeling actually, I felt a weight had been lifted off. Satan loves us to isolate and keep secrets. Ultimately though, the decision is yours whether to tell them or not.

And the other thing…sometimes some of us want to believe we just need to be “more Catholic”, and that will solve it. Pray the rosary more, go to confession, go to mass. These are all wonderful things, but there’s not a magic bullet for this. I had been doing these things before, and it wasn’t working. It helped, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t until I shared with some other people and began attending support groups that I began to actually have success.

I also cringe when anybody attributes a guy struggling with porn or lustful thoughts to just being at an age when they have a “high sex drive”. There are sex addicts that are 50,60,70 years old that thought the same.

Just my opinions. And I’m still struggling too, so thanks for the prayers. I’ll pray for you as well.