Telling your spouse what to do

[Monte_RCMS]

This example made me laugh because it was spot-on for anyone who watches Star Trek! What a perfect example!

And then I thought, “I’m such a geek.”

Sorry for the interruption. Now back to your regularly scheduled thread…

does he attend the conventions … with costumes for both of you?

 

[Monte_RCMS]

Yes, this was just an example but it really bothers me. I hate the violence. I think it lets violence into your house. Some shows are fine but there is one I abolutely hate-Criminal Minds. We often sit together in the evenings and I read on my kindle and he watches TV. It gets us together in one space. I usually leave if it’s too much. I also think it is a waste of his time when I know he will be mad at himself later for doing it. Also, finally, he has admitted he is a TV addict and when you watch hour after hour of crime shows it is getting sort of addictive. Also, I wish we were at the same space spiritually and I don’t think this kind of thing is ever going to get us there.

both could dress in police officer costumes.

make a game of it.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I can’t speak for other men on this, but eventually my wife and I more or less settled on things she determines and things I determine. I defer to her on certain things because I have learned that her judgment is a lot better than mine regarding them. That includes essentially all “propriety” things. She just knows what’s proper in social things, whereas I am clumsy with it. I never question her regarding any medical thing (she’s a nurse, and I’m not). But oddly, sometimes I do have better judgment regarding her OWN medical treatment (usually “no, don’t be a marine, go to the doctor”) and she’ll listen to me.

When it comes to the more odd financial things, she totally defers to me. If I get into some sequential money thing like the tax treatment of this or that and what to do about it, or go into some (possibly interminable) thesis about the likely future of Caterpillar in China or cattle genetics, she tunes totally out and defers to what I want to do about such things. But then, if there’s some long chain of sequential events involving people or family, she just tells me how it’s going to be and I go with each step of it. I don’t even imagine questioning it.

There are some things we really do decide jointly. Family finances, things like that, are mostly joint, although i never question her regarding any kind of food or clothing thing. She knows and I don’t. Case closed.

I suspect, but do not know, that most couples get that way over time.

 

[AnneTeresa]

wow!

maybe issue written warnings with demerits.

maybe he might join a union and picket.

Nice sarcasm. I could say the same thing if I chose to take that attitude.

To clarify for everyone who commented on “nagging” I’m not talking about nagging. I know the difference.

I really just wanted to hear from women who have long experience in marriage how they deal with this.

 

[AnneTeresa]

PatriceA:
I think this last sentence is what is really going on in the relationship. I think you want so much for the two of you to be in the space place spiritually that you are thinking you have to “nag” your husband to get there. So you’re addressing every area, every action, of your husband’s life by thinking you need to tell him to be different so he feels motivated to change.

I think the only way you are both going to be in the same place spiritually is to pray, and then do what you need to do to draw closer to God yourself. If the crime shows get to be too much, I’d continue to leave the room. I’d ask my husband to plan an activity away from the tv, but I wouldn’t continue to nag him about his viewing habits. You want him to want to be spiritually connected to you, but you can’t “nag” him there, there are no roots or sticking foundation if you do. It won’t be because he did it for himself, it will be because it will make you happy and that can disappear just as quickly as it happened.

Yes this is probably the root. But it’s not “every” thing he does. Just some things that I think are really not leading him down the right road spiritually. I am totally open to him speaking plainly to me (I wish he would) but he is not there. I’ll just keep praying and try to guard my tongue. Thanks.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Was this how he was before you got married? Was this the man you fell in love with? Why do you want him to change? Kind of unfair to start changing the rules on him now that you’re married. If being in the same place sprititually was critical to you than sorry, you should have sorted that out prior to marriage. If he’s a great guy, worthy of your love, than you need to accept the whole person. Just as you expect him to accept you.

Ever hear the saying–

Men get married thinking she won’t change, and she does. Women get married thinking they can change him, and he doesn’t.

Do you want to be loved for who you are, or for some woman your husband would want you to change into?

Ironically, be careful what you wish for, often women who do manage to change their man end up leaving that guy he became for them.

 

[Bonnie]

Like when he is driving, I just “react” and tell him to stop tailgating. I am trying to stop but don’t know if I ever can. And in my mind sometimes I think he needs to hear it. But I would certainly be annoyed if he did it to me as much as I do it to him. But then I’m more thoughtful so it’s not necessary! Wondering how other women deal with this.

My husband’s driving got to the point of scaring me so badly that I now do most of the driving. And as much as he hates being “told” what to do, no matter how carefully I phrase it, he is the worst back seat driver.

And for anyone who wonders how I managed to take over the driving, I just beat him to the car every time we were going someplace. By the time he got to the car I was in the driver’s seat. After a couple weeks of this, he finally said, “You like to drive, don’t you?” I just said yes & that’s how it’s been for nearly a year now.

 

[PetiteFoi]

I would seriously recommend this blog - I find it hitting my issues so dead on.
peacefulwife.com/

Peace,
~ PetiteFoi

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This may sound rather funny, but I’m serious. For married women, how do you keep from telling your spouse what to do? I do this a lot. It seems like he doesn’t think about things and I have to tell him what to do. Not just household chores and such but how to act! For example, I might tell him to stop spending so much time watching crime shows on TV.

What are your thoughts? Is that just normal? Is it disrespectful? If I ask him he’ll just say he doesn’t know. Should we be trying to bite our tongue? I’ve noticed myself a lot doing this. Like when he is driving, I just “react” and tell him to stop tailgating. I am trying to stop but don’t know if I ever can. And in my mind sometimes I think he needs to hear it. But I would certainly be annoyed if he did it to me as much as I do it to him. But then I’m more thoughtful so it’s not necessary! Wondering how other women deal with this.

“I am sorry, my love, but when you watch those crime shows, the violence even though it is make-believe, bothers me so much that I can’t be in the same room with you. I want us to spend time at least in the same room. What can we do about this problem?”

“I am sorry, sweetheart, but when you tailgate other drivers, I get so nervous I find myself wanting to grab the wheel and wrap it around your neck…errr…I get so nervous I nag at you too much. I will make a big effort not to nag if you will please try to lay back off people’s bumpers. Deal?”

Boundaries, not nagging. Not being his mother, but taking care of yourself. DO NOT become his mother. We owe our husbands respect and this turns them into children, and resentful children. I do back-seat drive, my husband HATES IT, gets very annoyed with me, and I am working very hard to stop. Once, I let him drive miles out of our way rather than point out the turn that was coming up because he was in a defensive mood about directions. Thank God for GPS! I no longer have to play navigator.

Pray a Hail Mary before you open your mouth. Turn and look out of the window. If he hits someone from the rear, oh well, maybe he’ll learn that way. Bite your tongue till it bleeds.

That’s my opinion any way.

 

[EasterJoy]

I can’t speak for other men on this, but eventually my wife and I more or less settled on things she determines and things I determine.

One of my relatives, married about 60 years and just finished having a house built with his wife, said this: “In our marriage, I make all the major decisions, and she decides all the little stuff. So far, though, we’ve been lucky, because nothing major has come up!”

 

[TheRealJuliane]

**Men get married thinking she won’t change, and she does. Women get married thinking they can change him, and he doesn’t. **

So, so true.

 

[akela135]

Earlier you asked about showing respect and one way I show respect is to thank my husband daily. We haven’t been married long but we have already fallen into a comfortable routine where we each have certain chores we take care of. I try to remind myself just because my husband usually does “x” chore doesn’t mean he has too. If I thank him for doing the chore that lets him know that I take notice of the things he does around the house and I appreciate them. It also helps me remember how many things he does to help out so I don’t fall into a mindset of “I do everything.” when it isn’t true.

As for correcting behavoir if you want to talk about things that he does that bothers you I recommend talking about it at a seperate time. Instead of saying “you watch to many crime shows” while one is playing at the time bring it up later in the evening, or before he starts a show. It would also be helpful as others have suggested to focus the conversation around how you feel and if you could suggest and alternative. An example: “Honey, I know you like watching a lot of crime shows but I’m not the biggest fan of them. I want you to be able to enjoy something you like, but I would like a chance to spend more time with you doing something we both would enjoy. Perhaps tomorrow instead of watching “x” show we could go for a walk together?”

 

[AnneTeresa]

My husband’s driving got to the point of scaring me so badly that I now do most of the driving. And as much as he hates being “told” what to do, no matter how carefully I phrase it, he is the worst back seat driver.

And for anyone who wonders how I managed to take over the driving, I just beat him to the car every time we were going someplace. By the time he got to the car I was in the driver’s seat. After a couple weeks of this, he finally said, “You like to drive, don’t you?” I just said yes & that’s how it’s been for nearly a year now.

Yes. Same here. It can truly be scary at times. I think he has some anger that comes out behind the wheel. I try hard not to say anything but sometimes I “react” out of fear–it’s like a reflex and not something I choose. Like putting my hands up no the dash or bracing my legs on the floor in case we crash. Then after that happens once I’m on edge and afraid and I keep doing it cause I fear he is going to hit something or someone.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes. Same here. It can truly be scary at times. I think he has some anger that comes out behind the wheel. I try hard not to say anything but sometimes I “react” out of fear–it’s like a reflex and not something I choose. Like putting my hands up no the dash or bracing my legs on the floor in case we crash. Then after that happens once I’m on edge and afraid and I keep doing it cause I fear he is going to hit something or someone.

Then don’t drive with him. Take your car and meet him there. I think you’re over-reacting but in case you aren’t, just take care of yourself and leave him to drive himself. If he gets into an accident, he will have to take defensive driving and maybe he’ll learn his lesson. If you just keep on nagging, YOU are the problem, he has a reason to drive like that, because YOU are nagging him.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

There’s very little about my wife that drives me bonkers, but this is one of them. She’s always done this, to some degree. When we were engaged, she used to sorta “team up” with my mother to correct me on certain things. She still does, but she just doesn’t do it with my mother anymore.

Now I do tend to be more of a dreamer, having my head in the clouds while she’s more practical. So I do need some help, at times. There are times (not all the time, but often enough) where I do something silly, like put a t-shirt on backwards, or get some food on my face, etc. I don’t mind her helping me on these things, I encourage it. However, the way she used to do it always used to leave me feeling disrespected/stupid. So we just had to tweak her delivery, and suddenly, no problem!

As to more personal things like hobbies and such, I generally brook no interference in that regard. She’s tried to have more (name removed by moderator)ut on these things at times, but I set very clear boundaries and explained that I expected her to accept these things, even if she could not understand them. “Yes, I know you think building a model castle (or whatever) is a waste of time. But honey, I am a social studies teacher. You have to expect that I will enjoy such things and also, I find that this helps my students. So back off.”

Driving is another matter. She was naggy to no end about that. I don’t like driving too much to begin with, so we compromised by having her drive whenever possible. Problem solved.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

AnneTeresa:

This may sound rather funny, but I’m serious. For married women, how do you keep from telling your spouse what to do? I do this a lot. It seems like he doesn’t think about things and I have to tell him what to do. Not just household chores and such but how to act! For example, I might tell him to stop spending so much time watching crime shows on TV.

Maybe he’s just an amiable, aimless man.

AnneTeresa:

Like when he is driving, I just “react” and tell him to stop tailgating. I am trying to stop but don’t know if I ever can.

Well, at least you recognize this and are trying to stop! Good luck.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

anruari:

I like to think of this very much like the ranks of officers in the Navy.
The Husband is the “Captain” of the ship. The Wife is his 1st Mate.

No-one would think Spock was not equal to Kirk, not that Riker was not equal to Picard. They simply hold a lower rank in the command structure.
They will stand up to their superior within reason they are not and cannot be simply a “Yes Man”.
Without the 1st officer doing their job well the captain is at a massive loss.

You worked Star Trek into a discussion about Christian marriage. You’re my new best friend.

 

[HoosMommie]

Nice sarcasm. I could say the same thing if I chose to take that attitude.

To clarify for everyone who commented on “nagging” I’m not talking about nagging. I know the difference.

I really just wanted to hear from women who have long experience in marriage how they deal with this.

I learned many, many years ago that he didn’t need me to be his mother, he needed me to be his wife. If he wants to watch a particular TV program that I don’t like, I’ll just go upstairs and do whatever I want to do and leave him to it. There are things he does that make me crazy on occasion so I have to ask myself, does it really matter in the great scheme of things? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred it does not matter. So there’s no use whatsoever in saying anything. He doesn’t have to ask my permission to go skeet shooting after work or on a Saturday morning with his friends. He’s a big boy and can make those decisions on his own. And I never ever criticize his driving. What would be the point?

I am quite sure there are a lot more things about me that are less than stellar that he puts up with, so I afford him the same respect.

We’ve been married for almost 35 years so something is working

 

[CradleJourney]

This may sound rather funny, but I’m serious. For married women, how do you keep from telling your spouse what to do? I do this a lot. It seems like he doesn’t think about things and I have to tell him what to do. Not just household chores and such but how to act! For example, I might tell him to stop spending so much time watching crime shows on TV.

What are your thoughts? Is that just normal? Is it disrespectful? If I ask him he’ll just say he doesn’t know. Should we be trying to bite our tongue? I’ve noticed myself a lot doing this. Like when he is driving, I just “react” and tell him to stop tailgating. I am trying to stop but don’t know if I ever can. And in my mind sometimes I think he needs to hear it. But I would certainly be annoyed if he did it to me as much as I do it to him. But then I’m more thoughtful so it’s not necessary! Wondering how other women deal with this.

First of all, let preface by saying I don’t always live by my own advice but here goes:

I try to respect my husband by never “telling” him what to do. He’s a grown man and theoretically the leader of our home (he’d be the first to vote me in charge if I let him!). Therefore, it’s not my place to ever tell him to do anything.

Now I can ask - “Hey, could you go get some milk from the store?” “Would you hand me my tricorder?” etc.

And I can inform - “It really scares me when you drive too close to other cars.” “Oh, is that on tonight? I really hate that show. I’m going to the other room to read, I’d be happy if you’d like to join me.” even “I find it insulting when you laugh at my tribbles costume.”

In return, he sometimes responds in a way I appreciate (and I tell him so) or he chooses either to respond negatively or (more often) not at all. And in which case, I simply let it go (unless it’s a very serious issue) and move on. Later (sometimes weeks later) he might ask why I never watch tv with him, or why I don’t sit in the front seat, etc. and I gently remind him of MY feelings - and again sometimes it changes, sometimes he just shrugs and moves on. So I just keep doing what works for me to deal with whatever the difference of opinion is.

Because no matter what, I really truly love, like and adore my hubby. And despite all my failures, quirks, and irritating habits, he loves me too. (15 1/2 years of marriage and counting.)

 

[Sillara]

I am a married woman. My sixteenth anniversary is next month, and my marriage is the fairy-tale kind where we are more madly in love now than when we got married.

I never, never, never tell my husband what to do. When we married, I became his wife, his helper, the one who will support him. I am not his mother, nor am I in a position of authority over him. If someone who was not my commanding officer, to use an earlier poster’s excellent analogy, continued to give me orders, it would hurt my morale. It would hurt my self-respect. Why is this person who is not my commanding officer thinking so little of me that he tells me what to do as though I were a child?

Bossing and/or nagging one’s husband is deadly to a marriage. Solomon pointed that it is better to live in the corner of a rooftop than in a house with a contentious woman.

Perhaps realizing the gravity of the action will help in stopping it. I know that it does for me. When I know that something is extremely important it helps me to focus on it, to do it properly.