Temptation, lust and adultery

  • Thread starter Thread starter iskra
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Be honest with your wife and tell her so that she can help you. Keeping secrets like this to yourself is a trick of the devil. Fiat Mihi
 
iamrefreshed said:
Some advice?

Forget the itch.

You will ruin your marriage and destroy your wife.

It’s nothing but selfish.
Click to expand...
Its judgemental responses like this that turn people away from the church. It’s like saying to a drinker, just don’t drink. I actually even agree with what you said, its not a good idea to cheat. However, we are told to be compassionate in any situation and not overly judgemental. Look at how Jesus treated adulterers and tax collectors. He did it with compassion. Not everything can just be simplified down to a simple one liner or a single prayer.
 
I’m going to step into something that hasn’t been addressed, and perhaps it’s because my marriage is suffering right now as a result. If you are masturbating, you’ve got to stop, and if this woman is the focus of your attention while doing it, even worse. I recently delivered a baby, and the last month of pregnancy until the 4 or 6 week post partum, there is no intimacy. I found my husband doing this recently and I’m sickened. I truly think its the root of the impatience and unkindness that I’ve been seeing from him recently (and he’s normally great). He just doesn’t want to control himself in that regard and he’s becoming more and more desensitized to me/us.
 
There are two parts to it:
  1. Making the decision you will not cheat, and
  2. Complying with that decision.
Step 2 is very hard unless step 1 is decided. You will be more than strong enough to do step 2 if step 1 is firm. Convince yourself that no, it’s really not going to happen and that’s OK with you. This is something you do not need.

Alan
 
exiled said:
I’m going to step into something that hasn’t been addressed, and perhaps it’s because my marriage is suffering right now as a result. If you are masturbating, you’ve got to stop, and if this woman is the focus of your attention while doing it, even worse. I recently delivered a baby, and the last month of pregnancy until the 4 or 6 week post partum, there is no intimacy. I found my husband doing this recently and I’m sickened. I truly think its the root of the impatience and unkindness that I’ve been seeing from him recently (and he’s normally great). He just doesn’t want to control himself in that regard and he’s becoming more and more desensitized to me/us.
Click to expand...
Exiled, Congratulations on your new baby. Not that you have time with a new babe, but this would make a good thread. Does you husband use the Forums? Most husbands, are not really prepared for the ups and downs of, end of term and postpartum hormones. Most women have more on their plate to deal with than trying to guide their husbands though the wave action of postpartum, so if he is going to be on the computer, stick him in front of CAF, I bet he could get some great hints and tips here. What have you got to loose.😃 😃

Two last things to pass along:
  1. It takes tow to Tango(or make a marriage work)
  2. Maybe he feels completely rejected. If you talked to him in terms of just postponing the fun, so your body could physically heal, rather than just a flat “NO, I do not want you”. That may help you both. No sane man would choose some stupid porn images, over a sweet, loving, rational and giving wife.
 
billymichael said:
Its judgemental responses like this that turn people away from the church. It’s like saying to a drinker, just don’t drink. I actually even agree with what you said, its not a good idea to cheat. However, we are told to be compassionate in any situation and not overly judgemental. Look at how Jesus treated adulterers and tax collectors. He did it with compassion. Not everything can just be simplified down to a simple one liner or a single prayer.
Click to expand...
If I came across judgemental please forgive me. It was not my intention. I was offering my personal experience, not trying to judge.

Telling it straight is having compassion. I sensed from the OP that there was a very cavalier attitude about cheating. Shoving someone out of harms way is generally a good idea even though shoving is normally impolite.
 
Cut her off. The OTHER woman, that is. You can’t be friends with a woman you are attracted to. It’s suicide. Willpower will never be enough, you have to be proactive, know your weaknesses and use your intellect to keep yourself out of situations in which you will be tempted by your weaknesses.

Next you should beef up your commitment to your wife. Try e5men.org. (named for Ephesians 5)
 
I’d like to suggest a book I just recently finished. It’s called Every Man’s Battle. Excellent book that hits to the core of this whole situation AND gives practical advice on how to beat this struggle.

Also, some have suggested telling your wife. I would suggest this ONLY if you know she can truly handle it. Men & women are created differently, so women often don’t understand why men would look, feel tempted, etc., etc. Men are sensual beings, by which I mean their sexuality is initiated via the senses. Women are emotional-relational being, by which I mean emotions & relationship play a much greater role in their sexuality. Because of these differences, it is often difficult to understand why a person of the opposite sex does (or doesn’t) do certain things.

Read the book, talk to a priest, pray.
 
Be careful. get away from the woman who is tempting you. Pray!

Also, be careful about telling your wife. I know if my husband told me he was having thoughts about cheating, I’d leave him. IMO, a man who is married is supposed to love his wife and take his commitment seriously so I wouldn’t be able to handle it if the man I married was even considering the destruction of it all just for some worthless romp in the hay with someone else. To me considering it and wanting to it might as well be the same as doing it. How degrading for your wife, whether she knows it or not. I hope you can realize what a wrong turn it would be.
 
homewardbound said:
Be careful. get away from the woman who is tempting you. Pray!

Also, be careful about telling your wife. I know if my husband told me he was having thoughts about cheating, I’d leave him. IMO, a man who is married is supposed to love his wife and take his commitment seriously so I wouldn’t be able to handle it if the man I married was even considering the destruction of it all just for some worthless romp in the hay with someone else. To me considering it and wanting to it might as well be the same as doing it. How degrading for your wife, whether she knows it or not. I hope you can realize what a wrong turn it would be.
Click to expand...
ITA. I would keep my mouth shut about this to my wife. If you have not acted on this temptation, she does not need to know about it. It could hurt her terribly and make things worse. There aren’t too many women who would want to hear from their husbands that they are lusting after another woman…And I don’t think most men would want to hear their wives say they were lusting after another man, either. I think this is just common sense.
 
There was one priest on Relevant Radio one time talking about temptation. He put it into a perspective that I have now try to adopt any and every time I feel tempted. Each time you’re tempted for evil, remember that there is an equal amout of temptation for good, it’s a matter of your perspective.

Also, the advice of just forget about it is very unrealistic and is not based in the complete truth of humans. To define sexual decisions solely based on choosing right from wrong and not exploring and understanding why those temptations are as great as they appear and the true reasons why we should choose right over wrong is just plain silly. Our sexuality isn’t designed for us to just either deny ourselves without a full understanding, or to give in because we think we’re uncontrollable beings. One must explore the whys and the beauty and heroism of choosing right. The posters who suggested Theology of the Body and other works written for men about who they fundamentally are as God Created beings were dead on. You need tools and other men to talk to regarding this (as well as other) temptations.

And even though many women disagree, I think that you should talk to your wife about a woman you find attractive. Many (if not most) of those involved in couseling patients post-affairs do suggest to discuss attractive feelings with your spouse when they are solely attractive feelings in order to work on the aspect that may need workingon in a marriage (and no, the spouse with the wandering eye is not usually the only guilty party in a slight deterioration of a marriage). Your wife is suppose to be your helpmate (as you are for her). She cannot help you through this if she does not know about it.
 
gmarie21 I understand what you are saying but this could go either way. In a perfect world yes the wife would respect and help her husband through this. But only if she is willing to admit she herself has or could find herself in the same position. If she has no self-esteem for herself this could be deadly. If she does it could work. It could make this worse too though.
 
rinnie said:
gmarie21 I understand what you are saying but this could go either way. In a perfect world yes the wife would respect and help her husband through this. But only if she is willing to admit she herself has or could find herself in the same position. If she has no self-esteem for herself this could be deadly. If she does it could work. It could make this worse too though.
Click to expand...
Oh, I do understand what you’re saying. I guess that is part of my complaint about some of my fellow women. They want prince charmings, but aren’t willing to look in the “magic mirror” to tell them the truth of the work and TRUE honesty that is required to make happily ever after. The same goes for some men too, it’s just, since I"m a woman, I guess I feel more comfortable pointing out mine, as well as other women’s, flaws in our “expectations”.
 
gmarie21 said:
Oh, I do understand what you’re saying. I guess that is part of my complaint about some of my fellow women. They want prince charmings, but aren’t willing to look in the “magic mirror” to tell them the truth of the work and TRUE honesty that is required to make happily ever after. The same goes for some men too, it’s just, since I"m a woman, I guess I feel more comfortable pointing out mine, as well as other women’s, flaws in our “expectations”.
Click to expand...
Oh i agree with you, And you are right people need to get back to reality. We all have our good points and our bad. None of us are perfect, and while I agree with you it would be great if he could tell her what he likes about this women, it would probally backfire on him. And believe its usually not how good looking she is, its usually how good looking and wonderful she makes HIM feel. Ironic isnt it! I mean sometimes its just pure lust but that I think its easier to turn away from lust then the mental feeling. And I think you hit the nail on the head she is giving him something, and i am sure his wife has the same thing. She just needs to see where in the marriage she lost it and get it back.
 
Since I originally started this post nearly nine months ago, I figured I’d go ahead and follow-up with what has actually occurred, seeing as how the topic has become active again . Since the time of the original post, I have been confirmed into the Church and brought this issue up in my first confession. The priest was much more sympathetic than I expected and we discussed the issue in depth. He took the line (actually spoke with two different priests and they both agreed) that part of what I was experiencing was natural, hormonal and to be expected. Acting on it was not acceptable and acting on it could occur in a number of different ways.

I DID tell my wife and she DID NOT leave me. We had a frank discussion about it and she displayed a deeper awareness of the proclivities of men than I had expected. While I won’t say she was happy about the matter, there was no wailing or gnashing of teeth.

I eventually developed a more guarded approach around the woman in question, prominently discussed my wife, asking about her husband and keeping the interaction to a cool, minimum. To those of you who stated it would pass, you were right.

I would like to say thanks to all who responded to me publicly and privately, you know who you are. Any other questions, drop me a line.
 
Congratulations on Confirmation and your stable marriaeg! I am very happy for you.
 
All men should be taught very clearly to protect themselves. I find it one of the most ignored actions of all. I just went to a baseball game with a coworker who was with his wife. I figured it’d be safe bringing my son since my wife came too. But my wife left to take the babysitter home and from that point on my coworker became rubber necker in front of his wife who seemed to excuse it…even joked. Urks me to death.

I went to Southwest Texas State University after 4 years active duty. I brought my new bride with me. Lucky for me she’s beautiful. If anyone is old enough to remember. Playboy did a big “spread” from that well known party campus. I went there as a last resort because of my wife’s anxiety levels about driving in the city. She found a job at the county and so I just went there instead… I had to wear blinders to class and always talked about God and my wife… I’m sure they all thought I was nuts, but who cares I’m still married and have 3 beautiful children. My wife is Catholic too now. So I did something right…even if I figured it out on my own.

Good for you. I’m happy to hear to finally got your head screwed on straight. This temptation never goes away. Some women are bent on getting you attention no matter what…even if you have 20 children to support. It all selfish. Same with men.
PAX
 
It is so nice to hear good news, Im so happy for you. And BRAVO for the Priests who helped! Just another of Gods helpers in action!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top