Temptation to infidelity

[guiltycatholic]

I have posted numerous times about my troubled marriage and have finally realized the bewilderment I feel is due to Aspergers syndrome. It explains everything. If you have aspergers please don’t even read this as it may be offensive to you.

Since this revelation, I have undergone many stages of grief - the loss of hope that I’ll ever have a “normal” spouse, the loss of the kind of marriage I wanted, feeling betrayed by his “faking it” while we dated, etc.

I know marriage is for keeps and I think about what if it was my child - I wouldn’t just abandon my child. Still, I think we may qualify for an annulment since I’m pretty sure he had no idea what he was getting into when he said I do, or the capacity to agree to it, much less live up to it.

I don’t want a divorce simply because of a diagnosis. There are the expected struggles with communication and basic emotional connection, yes. But more intolerable, he has been abusive over the years, with long bouts of the silent treatment and treating me like I don’t exist for weeks on end. Threatening to divorce me and kick me out and take the kids when we have small disagreements. Being super controlling with sex, either withholding or demanding. All kinds of stuff I can’t even get into here. If you don’t know much about aspergers, please look into marriages between aspies and neurotypicals before you tell me it’s no big deal. My health took some major hits after only a couple years into the marriage, despite my healthy lifestyle, because of stress and ongoing relationship trauma.

I told him that unless he stopped the abusive behavior, I will have no choice but to separate and seek annulment.
I have felt hope for the first time in a long time and no longer so trapped. Since then (two weeks ago) he’s been on his best behavior, like a switch was flipped. But after nearly 7 years married and 9 together, I’m so beyond believing it anymore. However, I did tell him that if he would put in effort, I would give it another try.

He has shown improvement but of course he can’t change who he is, and the emotional connection just isn’t there. And I feel incapable of letting go of everything in the past because of 2 weeks of him finally putting in some effort. But he’s trying now so I’m staying like I said I would. As a coping mechanism to stay married to him, I’m realizing that detachment is a huge part of it. I basically have to lead my own life separate from his, handle most responsibilities alone, and lower my expectations of him by a LOT for basic interaction, child rearing, etc.

This is a very painful experience for me, not at all what I wanted my life to look like, and full of surprising emotions. And that brings me to the latest development. Temptation to infidelity. I’ve struggled with this before in my isolation and neglect, but never as bad as now since I’ve seriously considered divorce.

I am suddenly finding myself SO attracted to other men and fantasizing about life with them. Of course I know it’s idealized and unrealistic. But then again, when I interact with men who are capable of normal touch, eye contact, smiling, conversation, etc. it is SO appealing. I’ve dated so many other men who were neurotypical and it was easy on a fundamental level that I’ll never have with my husband. And sexual fantasies are starting to creep in - which I’m doing a pretty good job of resisting but it’s difficult. No need to tell me how bad it is, I already know and feel guilty.
Ugh. I guess I don’t even have a question… just a prayer request? I need help with my pride, my lust, my self pity. Help to grieve but move on, help to accept him and help to choose love. Possibly strength to pursue annulment if the abuse resumes. I feel so alone in it and am struggling against depression daily. I’m scared of an unknown future without him, but also dreading a future of never-ending abuse that no one can control, and it’s effects on my children. This is just so far from what I thought my life would be like. This crossroads has been years in the making but still I’m in disbelief.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s nice to hear that he is at least trying to “be good,” but I don’t have a lot of faith in his ability to sustain this long term if he doesn’t do some sort of therapy/have some sort of outside accountability in his life.

By the way, how did he justify threatening to divorce you and take the kids? That’s just really out-there behavior for a purportedly swell practicing Catholic guy. (And frankly kind of dumb from a workaholic who is rarely home–if I’m remembering your story correctly.)

I suspect the reason you are having sexual temptation is that you’re physically and mentally doing better, rather than being squashed flat.

Here’s what I would suggest:

–Do what you are supposed to be doing (which may or may not resemble what your husband wants you to do). Take care of yourself and your kids.
–Be sane. Keep making good decisions.
–If your pastor seems sensible, talk to your pastor.
–Find someone (female!) you can confide to in real life. Normally, it’s not a great idea to open up the marital holy of holies to outsiders, but you need somebody in real life who cares about you and knows what’s going on. Also, if there is anybody in your family that you are close to and you think would be sympathetic, they need to know what the situation is.
–Prepare for the possibility that things may go bad very quickly. Have a worst case scenario plan and talk about “what ifs” with your confidants.

I forget if I’ve mentioned “Why Does He Do That?” but it’s a really good book. I don’t vouch for everything the author does, but it’s an extremely insightful book with regard to the psychology and motivation of abusers (namely, that they do what they do because it works for them). The bad stuff your husband does needs to stop working for him. I hesitate to say that, because it’s likely to set him off, but he’s not actually “being good” if you have to tiptoe around him and placate him.

Be careful and good luck!

 

[Catholic1954]

You need the advice and support from a wise and holy priest. Please call and make an appoint with a priest or deacon from your parish. They can help you with this.

 

[Samiam100]

I am really sorry you have the difficulties you’ve described. My heard breaks for you and your family, including your husband. Living with someone on the Spectrum has a huge impact on everyone; being married to someone with Asperger’s would be understandably confusing, frustrating and lonely. I can see how you might feel tricked because he was ‘different’ while you were dating…likely because he was putting out a huge, unsustainable effort “Pretending To Be Normal” (good book on the subject, BTW).

Did he seek a professional diagnosis, or have you diagnosed him? Part of the reason I ask is that AU has a genetic component that should be considered wrt your children. Another reason is, if he does have Asperger’s (or narcissistic disorder, etc), it’s an explanation, not an excuse. He (with your help and a good counselor) can develop specific strategies applicable to his diagnosis that improve your relationship (atypical though it may be).

You have a lot on your plate, a heavy cross, and it sounds like you don’t have anyone in real life to give you the support you need. I might suggest talking to a Catholic counselor … just to see if they have any ideas or suggestions you haven’t considered or tried. EWTN. More2Life radio, and catholiccounselors.com might be good places to start.

I also suggest adoration, daily mass if you can make it (bring the kids), and confession if you haven’t been in a while. Laying our problems at the feet of our Lord is all we can do sometimes. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Xantippe]

I am really sorry you have the difficulties you’ve described. My heard breaks for you and your family, including your husband. Living with someone on the Spectrum has a huge impact on everyone; being married to someone with Asperger’s would be understandably confusing, frustrating and lonely. I can see how you might feel tricked because he was ‘different’ while you were dating…likely because he was putting out a huge, unsustainable effort “Pretending To Be Normal” (good book on the subject, BTW).

**Did he seek a professional diagnosis, or have you diagnosed him? Part of the reason I ask is that AU has a genetic component that should be considered wrt your children. Another reason is, if he does have Asperger’s (or narcissistic disorder, etc), it’s an explanation, not an excuse. He (with your help and a good counselor) can develop specific strategies applicable to his diagnosis that improve your relationship (atypical though it may be). **

You have a lot on your plate, a heavy cross, and it sounds like you don’t have anyone in real life to give you the support you need. I might suggest talking to a Catholic counselor … just to see if they have any ideas or suggestions you haven’t considered or tried. EWTN. More2Life radio, and catholiccounselors.com might be good places to start.

I also suggest adoration, daily mass if you can make it (bring the kids), and confession if you haven’t been in a while. Laying our problems at the feet of our Lord is all we can do sometimes. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

Yes!

 

[rcwitness]

If you have doubts about the validity of your marriage, shouldn’t you convalidate your marriage or get out?

Btw, please know that I completely sympathize for your situation. I am going through a separation right now, and get unbelievably tempted with lust! It’s daunting to think about living single for the rest of my life!!!

 

[Xantippe]

If you have doubts about the validity of your marriage, shouldn’t you convalidate your marriage or get out?

Btw, please know that I completely sympathize for your situation. I am going through a separation right now, and get unbelievably tempted with lust! It’s daunting to think about living single for the rest of my life!!!

If the OP believes her husband may be incapable of marriage, then convalidation isn’t really a step forward.

 

[rcwitness]

If the OP believes her husband may be incapable of marriage, then convalidation isn’t really a step forward.

Does the Church Teach that some people are “incapable of marriage”?

… but anyway, that’s why I said or get out if you believe it to be invalid.

 

[AdamP88]

Does the Church Teach that some people are “incapable of marriage”?

Yeah…some people just don’t have the capacity to consent to marriage. A lot of the stuff that makes a marriage invalid has to do with your state of mind at the time consent is given. It could be that a person didn’t have a sufficient understanding of what was involved in Catholic marriage, or it could be due to a medical condition such as mental illness, asbergers etc.

 

[rcwitness]

Yeah…some people just don’t have the capacity to consent to marriage. A lot of the stuff that makes a marriage invalid has to do with your state of mind at the time consent is given. It could be that a person didn’t have a sufficient understanding of what was involved in Catholic marriage, or it could be due to a medical condition such as mental illness, asbergers etc.

I understand that some people do not enter into a marriage with proper understanding or consent. But are some people (with Asbergers, for example) unable to enter a valid marriage at all?

 

[rcwitness]

That would be saying that, if the OP received an annulment, then her husband would never be permitted to get married in the Church!

 

[TechieGuy]

Strange - I’m on the Asperger spectrum but I don’t treat my wife that way.

Have you considered the possibility that maybe he’s just a jerk?

I told him that unless he stopped the abusive behavior, I will have no choice but to separate and seek annulment.
I have felt hope for the first time in a long time and no longer so trapped. Since then (two weeks ago) he’s been on his best behavior, like a switch was flipped. But after nearly 7 years married and 9 together, I’m so beyond believing it anymore. However, I did tell him that if he would put in effort, I would give it another try.

Well, yes, when expectations are laid out and consequences for not meeting them are stated, then behavior will change to avoid those consequences. As long as you are very clear about what you want to see, you will probably get the behavior you desire from him.

If you don’t know much about aspergers, please look into marriages between aspies and neurotypicals before you tell me it’s no big deal.

Meh, I’ll have been married 18 years this November - of course it probably helped that my wife’s younger brother is autistic, so she has experience with non-neurotypicals.

Wishing you the best, whatever happens.

 

[AdamP88]

I understand that some people do not enter into a marriage with proper understanding or consent. But are some people (with Asbergers, for example) unable to enter a valid marriage at all?

It’s possible. It could be that case that something renders you unable to get married permanently.

 

[rcwitness]

It’s possible. It could be that case that something renders you unable to get married permanently.

Well… I can’t argue that there are certainly people with mental disabilities that obviously prevent them from having even the capability of knowledge of marriage vows. That would seem to be people with serious disabilities and low functioning skills.

I probably would not feel comfortable even issuing someone like that a valid drivers license!

Otherwise, someone would have to have confess to a tribunal that they never truly had intentions to be faithfully honor their spouse.

I believe that if there is no evidence of an invalid sacrament, with both spouses professing to have had knowledge and willful consent during their marriage vows, both spouses must work together to bring the marriage to Reconciliation and conjugal relations.

 

[joeybaggz]

I believe that if there is no evidence of an invalid sacrament, with both spouses professing to have had knowledge and willful consent during their marriage vows, both spouses must work together to bring the marriage to Reconciliation and conjugal relations.

Not sure about the above statement. If a deep seated, organic, impediment exists, regardless of the profession of knowledge and willful consent, that marriage may well be considered null. That;s the way I’ve always understood it.

Shalom

 

[rcwitness]

Not sure about the above statement. If a deep seated, organic, impediment exists, regardless of the profession of knowledge and willful consent, that marriage may well be considered null. That;s the way I’ve always understood it.

Shalom

That sure leaves the door wide open, doesn’t it?

Give me an example of that impediment?

 

[esieffe]

If after you made your feelings known, he has stopped with the abusive behavior, I would accept that at face value. Progress not perfection. As long as there is steady progress, I would celebrate that and work with it. The disruption and trauma of divorce is real.

Being an aspie, it might help if you journal and track progress, so that you can see the big picture. Expect a bad day here and there but if he is trying, maybe he stopped and realized what he was doing. Is this the first time you have seen him “rally” to the point he is now doing? If so give him a little time to grow. Don’t go back to being abused, but don’t end things if he is now making a supreme effort.

As far as temptation goes, many suffer from that. Ask Our Lady for help. She will always. Not asking for help is a clear indicator that we don’t want any help, that we are choosing to fall. If we are sincere about getting help we will get it.

 

[AdamP88]

That sure leaves the door wide open, doesn’t it?

Give me an example of that impediment?

Mental illness could render someone incapable to marry for their entire life. I would actually venture that someone with say, down syndrome, might be more capable of marriage than a mentally ill person. (In some situations)

And when it comes to the asbergers thing, I do think it could be possible that an inability to understand or cater to a spouses emotional needs that was not known before marriage could well render it null.

I think 1ke needs to give her two-cents she knows a great deal about canon law.

 

[rcwitness]

Mental illness could render someone incapable to marry for their entire life. I would actually venture that someone with say, down syndrome, might be more capable of marriage than a mentally ill person. (In some situations)

Sure, there are extreme levels of mental illness. And if the condition is unknown at the time of vows, perhaps that’s possible. How a spouse would not be aware of this sort of severe mental illness, yet wish to spend the rest of their lives together is hard for me to understand. But hey, some people don’t know how to discern and test their fiance.

And when it comes to the asbergers thing, I do think it could be possible that an inability to understand or cater to a spouses emotional needs that was not known before marriage could well render it null.

I’m not sure. Failing to cater to a spouses emotional needs is hardly the same as not understanding the nature of Christian marriage and believing it’s OK to physically abuse them.

 

[faithsmind]

I am really sorry you have the difficulties you’ve described. My heard breaks for you and your family, including your husband. Living with someone on the Spectrum has a huge impact on everyone; being married to someone with Asperger’s would be understandably confusing, frustrating and lonely. I can see how you might feel tricked because he was ‘different’ while you were dating…likely because he was putting out a huge, unsustainable effort “Pretending To Be Normal” (good book on the subject, BTW).

Did he seek a professional diagnosis, or have you diagnosed him? Part of the reason I ask is that AU has a genetic component that should be considered wrt your children. Another reason is, if he does have Asperger’s (or narcissistic disorder, etc), it’s an explanation, not an excuse. He (with your help and a good counselor) can develop specific strategies applicable to his diagnosis that improve your relationship (atypical though it may be).

You have a lot on your plate, a heavy cross, and it sounds like you don’t have anyone in real life to give you the support you need. I might suggest talking to a Catholic counselor … just to see if they have any ideas or suggestions you haven’t considered or tried. EWTN. More2Life radio, and catholiccounselors.com might be good places to start.

I also suggest adoration, daily mass if you can make it (bring the kids), and confession if you haven’t been in a while. Laying our problems at the feet of our Lord is all we can do sometimes. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

This is great advice;
definitely need individual and couple counseling for both of you. A good, qualified Christian counselor, specifically someone who specializes in autism, would help you both immensely. Dr. Dobson has a great list of local counselors index that you could refer to. I found a great counselor through this index, but that was several years ago. ccn.thedirectorywidget.com/

also recommend for you to develop other female friendships in your life which will help to combat the desires you are facing.