Terrible First 3 months of Marriage

[SeminoleGirl22]

Hi all, I am new here, and discovered your forums on the web.

I was married 3 months ago, and out of the 90 days or so since then, my husband and i have fought almost constantly. i have been seeing a therapist for about a month, but i wont be able to continue to visit because i cant afford it much more.

i was and am a very devoted catholic, and never had sex nor even spent the night with my husband before we were married. he always seemed OK with it, and was living in beautiful house all ready and furnished for when we were married.

i recently discovered pornography in a DVD case in the basement and confronted him about it, and he admitted to watching it and to “self gratification” while we were dating and engaged to “relieve sexual tension”. He used his own home [now ours] as a sexual getaway simply because i was waiting to have sex with him.

i asked him to get rid of it, but he refused saying he did what he wanted before i lived there, and he’ll do what he wants now too.

i asked him to leave for maybe a day or two because of the fighting, but he refused and said i couldnt make him leave his own house. he did leave for a few hours after a bad fight, and i deadbolted the door from the inside so he couldnt get in. however, he just kicked the door in and told me “no one” locks him out of his own house.

i am afraid i confused his willingness to be chaste with me, with having his own house where he could do whatever he wanted out of sight and knowledge of me because i never stayed there.

i cant get him to leave, even for a small while. i have absolutely no idea what to do. he just does as he pleases with no regard for me. he was never like this while we were engaged.

 

[vern_humphrey]

I’d recommend you make up with him, apologize for locking him out and wait until he outgrows his problems with porn. You took vows to love one another. If you live up to yours, perhaps he will live up to his.

 

[Shiann]

SeminoleGirl22:

Hi all, I am new here, and discovered your forums on the web.

I was married 3 months ago, and out of the 90 days or so since then, my husband and i have fought almost constantly. i have been seeing a therapist for about a month, but i wont be able to continue to visit because i cant afford it much more.

i was and am a very devoted catholic, and never had sex nor even spent the night with my husband before we were married. he always seemed OK with it, and was living in beautiful house all ready and furnished for when we were married.

i recently discovered pornography in a DVD case in the basement and confronted him about it, and he admitted to watching it and to “self gratification” while we were dating and engaged to “relieve sexual tension”. He used his own home [now ours] as a sexual getaway simply because i was waiting to have sex with him.

i asked him to get rid of it, but he refused saying he did what he wanted before i lived there, and he’ll do what he wants now too.

i asked him to leave for maybe a day or two because of the fighting, but he refused and said i couldnt make him leave his own house. he did leave for a few hours after a bad fight, and i deadbolted the door from the inside so he couldnt get in. however, he just kicked the door in and told me “no one” locks him out of his own house.

i am afraid i confused his willingness to be chaste with me, with having his own house where he could do whatever he wanted out of sight and knowledge of me because i never stayed there.

i cant get him to leave, even for a small while. i have absolutely no idea what to do. he just does as he pleases with no regard for me. he was never like this while we were engaged.

No offense, but this is almost always not the case. Was he this bad? I highly doubt it, and will give you that. But I’m sure he exhibited this philosophy when dealing with co workers, or in other situations. You either choose not to let it bother you (we all have quirks right!?), or you didn’t recognize it for what it was.

Now that said- My aunt used to say that she cried EVERY DAY the first year she and my uncle were married. She never thought that the marriage would last. He was stubborn and inconsiderate, and unloving. They were married over 30 years before she died 5 years ago of cancer. He supported her completely until her last day- and they were eachother’s life.

I think the first year or so of a marriage is a very terrible time. Each of you are trying to figure out how to live together and make a life. I imagine your marriage is no different.

Obviously he is not a practicing Catholic man if he has no intention of doing away with pornography in your home. You can try a Catholic marriage encounter or couple to couple league, but he needs to be open to the change if it is to work.

We also don’t know the other side of the story. (No offense) Sometimes our emotions (especially for us women) cloud the reality of situations. We just know that we are hurt and want to make things right again. He might be struggling with an area of marriage that he didnt’ anticipate and it’s making him churlish and angry.

I believe communication is the KEY. You need to speak to him about your beliefs, and your interpretation of his comments and actions to you- THEN ALLOW HIM to do the same.

If he is still absolutely unwilling to remove the pornography or seek help if he has a problem- you have a VERY large problem, and need to seek spiritual council. (This isn’t even considering the “it’s my house” bologna.)

 

[NFPfamily]

My heart goes out to you. You’ve come to a great place to find some usually excellent advice and a good support system.

Letting him know how much this hurts you should be a good starting point. Unfortuntely, sin often causes people to become defensive and nonresponsive. Maybe if you had a trusted friend talk to him about how damaging porn can be to a relationship. There are so many excellent resources (do a forum search and read some other threads on the subject).

You also should take care of yourself right now. If he won’t get away and you need some space, then check yourself into a nice hotel for a weekend and bring along your rosary. Pray for him- seek advice from your priest too. They are usually well equipped to offer sound advice and support as well.

I will pray for you and your husband. Hopefully, this will all come to pass and be a blip in the screen. Early months of marriage can be a bit of a power struggle for some people, especially if they are stubborn. I would encourage your spouse to attend a marriage encounter, or some other marriage support program with you. You need a good foundation to start your marriage together, so learning the basics from good places is a start. We learned at our Engaged Encounter that marriage is about sacrifice- the more you sacrifice for your spouse, the more you will get out of the marriage. Also, we learned the ultimate purpose of marriage is to help your spouse attain heaven. This is to be taken seriously and lived out for the most fulfilling marriage you could imagine. When marriage isn’t about your own happiness, rather someone else’s, then it becomes full of love, commitment, security, and support.

God bless you and I wish the best for you and your husband.

 

[iserve]

The question is, do you want to stay married to him? If not, you have perfect grounds for a Catholic annulment, because he seems to have tricked you. You can leave him, and let him keep his house, or you can go to the wall to try to wait for a change. The terrible thing is, you must think long and hard about the possibility of bringing children into a situation like this. After all, they do not desreve to be brought into a war zone, nor into a situation where they may, in the future, discover this dreadful pornography in the house.

I think you likely need to separate yourself from this man and give yourself time to evalute the situation fully. He doesn’t seem to think he’s now sharing his life with you, anyway, since he keeps referring to his house and his right to do what he wants. I know you are probably devastated, but this is only a peek at what the future will be like if he doesn’t change. What sort of husband and father would a man like this make? You are perfectly free to leave him and think things over. You do not need to run out and get a divorce, but are perfectly within your God-given right to re-evaluate your assent now that you are made aware of the truth. Time will answer your question, in the mean time, find a good, solid prayer community to help you deal with your disappointment and discernment, these usually exist just about everyplace if you ask around. Bless you.

PS- With regard to those “vows”- they were made to someone who disappeared from the scene as soon as they were made. This is evident from the deciept he made about his own chastity and vows. No Tribunal would refuse a case like this, as the vows were made on the basis of a deception. My good friend, a canon lawyer and head of a diocesan Tribunal assures me thus.

 

[wcknight]

You need to have serious conversation in which you both can talk and tell each other how you feel about things without being judgemental OR controlling.

Marriage takes a LOT of work on both parts, and a lot of compromising. You are going through the toughest stage of a marriage, the first year. Almost every marriage goes through a transition period from when the initial bliss of marriage and being infatuated with one another wears off. After only 3 months is a little sooner than most, but not at all surprising, since sometimes it may wear off after only a few weeks or days (as in Bitney Spears or a few others)

Be patient and pray and understanding. Everyone has a lot of faults including yourself. When we first fall in love we always overlook just about everything. After marriage, we magnify everything. We suddenly notice all things that irritate us. The most innocent phrase or small habit suddenly becomes almost unbearable.

We want the infatuation to last forever, but that is not realistic. You now have to learn to live with anotehr human being. Someone who has their own way of doing things, their own faults and short comings.

The first year or two are critical and the most difficult to get through. Most marriages break up within the first year. Sometimes the shock of finding out or first noticing your spouses faults is too much to overcome. You have to resist giving up at the first sign of trouble. You must also resist thinking that having a child will suddenly cure everything. It very rarely does, and in many situations only makes matters worse.

Some things you can change and other things you can not. The things you can not change, you must learn to understand and live with them.

I’ve been married 31 years and by far the first year or two was the most difficult. IF I was not absolutely determined to make the marriage work at all cost, we too could have easily gotten divorced. For us Catholics, marriage is for life. A loving marriage takes an awful lot of mutual understanding and compromise.

I always advise young couples marriage has to be 90-10 on BOTH sides. If it is only 50-50, there is not enough overlap to overcome difficult times. It is extremely hard to live with another human being for any extended length of time.

Your husband is growing and so are you. His immaturity at being addicted to porn is not unusual for a young male. He has to learn to get it under control or if possible eliminate it for your sake. He has to come to realize that he has committed his love and desires to you, and to you alone. Let him know that it hurts your feelings, that he has to find satisfaction in admiring other women.

It is a temptation that if he later acts on his fantasys, it may jeopardize your marriage. We are sexual beings, but our intelligence and our faith can help us control our instincts. IF we constantly give in our sexual desires, we will be too weak and preconditioned to give into a tempting situation.

Ask him, how would he react if a beautiful woman tried to seduce him ? IF he has been indulging in sexual fantasies for years, his chances of overcoming this are almost nill. BUT if he is comiited to being faithful, and he has resisted the porn and other disractions then he could very easily dismiss the seduction with no problem.

He will not change overnight. It takes time to grow out of old habits, and it will take tiem to convince him of what needs to be done. Have patience but be firm with what you want. Do not make any ultimatums, they seldom work. Talk it over but don’t nag, express your displeasure, but don’t throw a fit.

Good luck, and I’ll pray for you both.

 

[felra]

iserve:

The question is, do you want to stay married to him? If not, you have perfect grounds for a Catholic annulment, because he seems to have tricked you. You can leave him, and let him keep his house, or you can go to the wall to try to wait for a change. The terrible thing is, you must think long and hard about the possibility of bringing children into a situation like this. After all, they do not desreve to be brought into a war zone, nor into a situation where they may, in the future, discover this dreadful pornography in the house.

I think you likely need to separate yourself from this man and give yourself time to evalute the situation fully. He doesn’t seem to think he’s now sharing his life with you, anyway, since he keeps referring to his house and his right to do what he wants. I know you are probably devastated, but this is only a peek at what the future will be like if he doesn’t change. What sort of husband and father would a man like this make? You are perfectly free to leave him and think things over. You do not need to run out and get a divorce, but are perfectly within your God-given right to re-evaluate your assent now that you are made aware of the truth. Time will answer your question, in the mean time, find a good, solid prayer community to help you deal with your disappointment and discernment, these usually exist just about everyplace if you ask around. Bless you.

PS- With regard to those “vows”- they were made to someone who disappeared from the scene as soon as they were made. This is evident from the deciept he made about his own chastity and vows. No Tribunal would refuse a case like this, as the vows were made on the basis of a deception. My good friend, a canon lawyer and head of a diocesan Tribunal assures me thus.

I totally concur. I would see this as a grace of the Holy Spirit to give you critical information at the onset of your marriage in order to sift out/eliminate this dark and unacceptable activity that will only work against establishing your marriage on a solid foundation. My suggestion is to absolutely not settle for less and keep this issue on the forefront until satisfactorily resolved. Unfortunately you have too many red flags already flying in your new marriage when you should be enjoying the blessings of married life.

 

[kage_ar]

Question for the OP - is your husband Catholic?

 

[dulcissima]

I am sure that he is not the first engaged guy to endulge in pornography and self-gratification. That in and of itself is not too bad.

Here is what really disturbs me though:

"he refused saying he did what he wanted before i lived there, and he’ll do what he wants now too. "

This speaks volumes. It shows that he did not take his marriage vows seriously, and that he does not respect you the way that a husband should respect his wife.

I would seriously consider separating and perhaps getting counseling. If he does not agree, I would seek an annulment, because you certainly have the grounds.

Just so you know where I am coming from, I am married sixteen years now to my highschool “sweetheart”. We have four kids. He does not respect me. He totally controls me. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. My “marriage” is almost unbearable. I have grounds for an annulment, but with so many years and so many kids, it just seems like more than I would be capable of dealing with. I don’t want you, or anyone else, to ever feel this powerless. If you think you could be headed down this path, run, run as fast as you can. Let the Holy Spirit be your guide.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Why be confrontational?

If you want this marriage to succeed, be loving. Perhaps your husband will respond in kind.

 

[felra]

vern humphrey:

Why be confrontational?

If you want this marriage to succeed, be loving. Perhaps your husband will respond in kind.

Being confrontational and loving are not mutually exclusive.

As the OP indicated,

i asked him to get rid of it, but he refused saying he did what he wanted before i lived there, and he’ll do what he wants now too.

…more is needed than simply “be loving”.

 

[vern_humphrey]

felra:

Being confrontational and loving are not mutually exclusive.

When one partner demands the other partner take actions against his or her will, that’s confrontational. When it escallates to one locking the other out of the house, that’s not loving.

felra:

…more is needed than simply “be loving”.

The question is, is LESS needed than loving? Clearly, direct confrontation isn’t working – it’s escallating.

Break the cycle, and try a new tack.

 

[Karin]

SeminoleGirl22-
you stated you were in therapy what does the therapist suggest???
you stated you were a devouted Catholic what does your priest suggest???

 

[Pug]

It does sounds terrible! There are so many ways this could turn out for you.

he just does as he pleases with no regard for me. he was never like this while we were engaged.

Just in regard to the porn, or about everything? If it is truly is everything, you are probably not going to change him. Some people do reveal a completely new side once you are married.

Take care of yourself so that you don’t lose all your calm and happiness. Go out with friends, go to Adoration or daily mass, jog, whatever it takes to stay healthy inside. His use of porn is not a reflection on you or anything you did.

If he is not taking the initiative to resolve this family conflict (give him the chance to do it!!!), then tell him what you want to discuss and ask him to set a good time (9pm Tues or whatever). Then let him be and talk about it that day. Try to resist giving him the silent treatment, sniping, or whatever your personal temptation is during the wait (mine is to dis any suggestions like going out for ice cream together or going to the movies).

You may need to seek the counsel of a priest if a calm discussion doesn’t get anywhere. Also, since you mention him breaking down a door, *if *this is just a hint of other physical problems that you are not mentioning, then leave to a safer location and seek counsel before returning.

 

[BioCatholic]

*if *this is just a hint of other physical problems that you are not mentioning, then leave to a safer location and seek counsel before returning.

ill give this one a shot:

he is what i refer to as a “semi-alpha” male. raaa, raaa. ME kick down door. MY HOUSE. MY TV. raaaaa.

think of him as a medium sized male lion in africa. while mostly solitary, he will join the pride of females for mating and feeding. most times, he just patrols his territory, marking (peeing) and scaring away intruders with big displays of “power”. he will sometimes push around the females, but when they have had enough, they will gang up on him and give him a good one. then he runs away like a little sissy. a REAL alpha male will kill ANYTHING that defies him on the spot. clearly, your husband is semi-alpha at best. otherwise, the aggression would be directly at you. this probably will never ever change as far as him hurting you. hes an average lion in the alpha males clothes.

you locked him out. essentially you challenged HIS TERRITORY. he responded with a display of aggression. not toward you, but enough to show he wasnt happy.

next time he “goes out for a few hours”: MARK YOUR TERRITORY. pick a room and paint it hot pink. buy girly knick knacks. start making your mark on the house, and his male brain will eventually come to understand that you are there to stay. that will set him straight.

our [male] brains are primitive [hormone driven]. the primary male response to most things is 1) aggression and 2) sexual arousal. its all testosterone based.

i suggest you read a mammalian animal behavior book and it will give you volumes of information about how he acts and will act.

 

[Shiann]

BioCatholic:

…
next time he “goes out for a few hours”: MARK YOUR TERRITORY. pick a room and paint it hot pink. buy girly knick knacks. start making your mark on the house, and his male brain will eventually come to understand that you are there to stay. that will set him straight…

This is a great post! And humorous too

 

[felra]

BioCatholic:

our [male] brains are primitive [hormone driven]. the primary male response to most things is 1) aggression and 2) sexual arousal. its all testosterone based.

i suggest you read a mammalian animal behavior book and it will give you volumes of information about how he acts and will act.

Freud would be proud of you, i.e., all our actions are motivated by two primitive instinctual drives.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Why don’t we take a deep breath and try again?

1. What is your objective? What are you trying to accomplish? In seeking answers to this question, subject each answer to the test "Is this really what I want to make my number one priority in life?
2. Is your present course of action achieving that objective? Remember what Bill Clinton said, “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different outcomes is insanity, by definition.”
3. Remember that you can only control you own behavior. If you are to arrive at a better state, it will be through controlling and shaping your own behavior.

 

[Pug]

BioCatholic:

pick a room and paint it hot pink. buy girly knick knacks

Yes, all men are uncomfortable in the presence of knickknacks! Even better, put out waterford crystal dishes with stale nuts and bad tasting chocolates. Buy a case of Hummels and put out potpuri. Put lace doilies on the chair arms, etc. He’ll be positively afraid to enter the room.

 

[felra]

Why don’t we take a deep breath and try again?

1. What is your objective? What are you trying to accomplish? In seeking answers to this question, subject each answer to the test "Is this really what I want to make my number one priority in life?

My objective: Figure out who is this person that I married and can I ever trust him. Hmmm, …do I really want to make this a number one priorty in my life? Maybe two, maybe three …four? …

1. Is your present course of action achieving that objective? Remember what Bill Clinton said, “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different outcomes is insanity, by definition.”

Yes, let’s reference what faithful Bill “fidelity” Clinton would do, hmmm, …first buy some cigars, then …

1. Remember that you can only control you own behavior. If you are to arrive at a better state, it will be through controlling and shaping your own behavior.

Yes, I am the one that needs to change in this marriage. Maybe if I stand before the mirror and repeat to myself, “If you are to arrive at a better state, it will be through controlling and shaping your own behavior …If you are to arrive at a …”.