Terrible RCIA coordinator still there

[DarkLight]

Have you talked to the pastor? Sounds like this gal is way out of line. Just buck up, she can’t kill you or hit you ( maybe that would be good, then you could have her arrested ) Don’t feel bad, most of have " messy pasts. " We are the ones Christ died for, just remember that. He didn’t come here for the sinless. So buck up and remember Christ loves the humble the most .)

Linus2nd

The trouble is that the messes in my past really weren’t my fault. And I don’t like being treated like I’m “bad” or “trouble” because I have the scars of abuse - abuse that was perpetrated and done by Christians. Maybe things like talking about our past with faith isn’t easy for all of us because there are real, serious, painful matters back there. That was where it started - we needed to write something about our religious backgrounds. I started having flashbacks and panic attacks, because of what’s in my past. I tried to say I was having trouble and got treated badly because it was a “simple, easy thing.”

 

[JB_Dugan]

I’m sorry…I’m shaking as I write this. I just…I really love the priests and people at the one parish. But the RCIA coordinator is still there. She treated me like dirt. I have some health issues and a messy past - not my fault but it’s there. Some of the requirements were harder, and some things weren’t clear. She basically yelled at me and told me I obviously didn’t care about the sacraments and was entitled and selfish, because I couldn’t do things exactly her way. She kept talking and yelling over me when I tried to explain. I was having flashbacks trying to write the one letter we were expected to write - she wouldn’t even let me say I was having trouble, just acted like I was stupid.

I just can’t stand it. I feel like I’m worthless to them, if she’s allowed to treat me like that and go on thinking that everything’s ok. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel safe at a parish I love - the cathedral parish - knowing that it’s apparently ok for her to treat me like I’m worthless.

My sympathies.

I have been involved in the RCIA process since 1990. I have been personally responsible for the removal of one RCIA coordinator for cause greater than “yelling at someone”.

Since you say that your pastor is supportive of her, I would be interested in her side of the story before rendering a judgement.

Let’s start here:

Have there been any other complaints about her behavior?
Has she treated anyone else the way she has treated you…and why?

 

[DarkLight]

I have read the whole thread.

I agree with 1ke. Try to move on if at all possible.

It is not clear as to why you cannot just avoid this person if she bothers you that much.

It’s more that it bothers me it seems to be ok with everyone else that she treated me this way. I worry that someone else will be turned away as I very nearly was because I couldn’t physically handle it anymore.

And honestly - I left my old protestant church and spent several years as an atheist because it was made very clear to me that if I couldn’t be normal I wasn’t welcome. That it was basically ok to treat me badly. And I’m really still jumpy after the mess I had there, because I felt like as a person with mental health problems, with very little money, and with a past that contains serious problems with supposedly “good” Christian principles, I wasn’t welcome unless I shut up and acted like a normal person. I really want the church to be open and welcoming to those of us who have problems and scars, but I’m still very scared to seek out help or advice after it seems like the people in charge approve of her behavior.

 

[Auntie_A]

You and everyone else are indeed worthy of kind, thoughtful, and loving treatment, especially in catechesis. I am aware that there are some teachers who are unaware of the different ways humans behave and interact and they frequently come across as brutal and unforgiving in their perspectives.

My niece had such a person in her R.C.I.A. class and later she found out that this rude teacher was dealing with cancer and her whole personality had gotten more and more controlling as she had lost more and more control in her body.

I pray that you can forgive your teacher AND I pray that you consider healing your pain by becoming a catechism teacher yourself. I was a product of an ignorant teacher who told me at age 9 that Jews do not believe in God and that Jesus was not a Jew. No matter how much I disagreed, she argued more fiercely and my mother moved me to another church. I can’t tell you how much fun it is to teach catechism now to young and adult students and help them connect with the Lord through good and wise teaching. It heals the 9 year old in me who was outraged at this woman for trying to argue me down against obvious Church truths.

If you don’t feel ready to teach yet, then offer to assist or sit in with a good teacher. And it might be good to try another parish from time to time.

Be firm in your pursuit of justice, but remember to be compassionate and open minded as well. Sometimes we just react to someone’s outrageous behavior and we never see the full picture. I do not know who taught my catechism teacher such ignorant claptrap and why she wanted to teach young people without being educated herself. Usually the most ignorant do not see their shortcomings and the more educated are more willing to question themselves. As outraged as I get with such ignorance, I am often reminded to be patient and to pray for an answer to such terrible teachers.

I will keep you and that teacher and your parish in my prayers.

 

[DarkLight]

My sympathies.

I have been involved in the RCIA process since 1990. I have been personally responsible for the removal of one RCIA coordinator for cause greater than “yelling at someone”.

Since you say that your pastor is supportive of her, I would be interested in her side of the story before rendering a judgement.

Let’s start here:

Have there been any other complaints about her behavior?
Has she treated anyone else the way she has treated you…and why?

I don’t know. My main frustration is that, as a person who has some various challenges that aren’t immediately apparent, my side wasn’t heard. Rather, I was immediately chastised for being uncooperative and entitled (her words). I was not given a chance to speak my side of the story to her.

 

[GAHere]

No, I will not let it go. I am sick of letting things go, when people think they can treat those of us who don’t have the picture-perfect lives they expect like we’re the problem. I’m sick of being told to let it go like I wasn’t worth caring about or protecting, like I should just pretend the world is as nice as they think it is and get out of the way.

Seems to me you are being seriously taunted by Satan over your decision to join the Catholic Church. Those undergoing a conversion process have bullseye targets on their backs, as do priests and those serving the Church.

I am grateful you did not let him deter you from entering the Church, but you clearly are not out of the woods yet. There must be something about you which troubles Satan because he is feeding your soul with resentment, anger, pride, vengeance. He has stirred those up so much you clearly state “No. I will not let it go”.

No one on this earth has suffered more humiliation, mistreatment, injustice, than Jesus. He has shown us how to respond to the ugly side of people on this earth. He has revealed to us that the next life is perfect, and the key to getting there is uniting our will to God’s. We have to desire that future for our souls, and we have to constantly battle the evils of this world to keep our souls in a state worthy of that Kingdom.

Pope Francis is asking us to join ourselves to Jesus. Jesus is closest to us in our sufferings. I am not suggesting the trauma you endured through the process should be ignored, overlooked, dismissed, or forgotten. I’m suggesting all of that be offered up for the souls in purgatory. There is an intimate closeness one experiences with Jesus when they are able to really do this. It is that closeness Pope Francis is reminding all of us to remember and nourish. Much peace will come to you when you are able to do this.

The first step toward healing from any suffering we endure in this life is to give the anxiety, anger, fear over to God, through Mary if that brings you comfort. So long as you insist on not letting go of the negative emotions you experience when reflecting upon this coordinator’s continued role in the parish you will not find peace. You’ve done all the right things you could about the matter up to this point by speaking with both the coordinator and the pastor, but whether or not that person remains in that position is out of your hands.

Redirect your attention away from the ugliness of the situation toward something positive: the power of prayer. Do you trust Jesus? Do you believe in the power of the Holy Spirit to convert souls? Pray for all RCIA candidates under that coordinator’s care. Pray for the coordinator, certainly, that she may be made aware of the errors of her ways. Pray for the pastor, pray for the parish. Pray for yourself to find the courage to unite your sufferings with his for the souls in purgatory. Healing will follow.

 

[GAHere]

The trouble is that the messes in my past really weren’t my fault. And I don’t like being treated like I’m “bad” or “trouble” because I have the scars of abuse - abuse that was perpetrated and done by Christians. Maybe things like talking about our past with faith isn’t easy for all of us because there are real, serious, painful matters back there. That was where it started - we needed to write something about our religious backgrounds. I started having flashbacks and panic attacks, because of what’s in my past. I tried to say I was having trouble and got treated badly because it was a “simple, easy thing.”

I am sorry you are so tormented by your past. Rightfully, so, but my heart breaks for you. So proud of you for not letting all of that keep you from your faith, though. Please keep moving forward into God’s healing graces and mercy. You will find much peace there. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[DarkLight]

I am sorry you are so tormented by your past. Rightfully, so, but my heart breaks for you. So proud of you for not letting all of that keep you from your faith, though. Please keep moving forward into God’s healing graces and mercy. You will find much peace there. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you.

It’s…hard for me to understand, admittedly. Especially things like “let it go.” I’ve been told to let it go through domestic violence, through being rejected as an “immoral woman” for being the victim, through being told I must have provoked the abuse somehow. I’ve had very many people in far more serious situations tell me to “let it go” because they did not wish to face injustice. And I’ve lived in the aftermath through being repeatedly treated as lesser, both for being the victim of abuse directly and for having symptoms of associated problems.

It’s just one more thing. I had hope that the church would be a safe place to heal and not be subjected to the same discrimination. But I find myself again having to put my guard up and plaster a smile on when I want to cry. I still struggle even with trusting God, because of the abuse and how much I was taught that submission to it was His will. Or that the PTSD symptoms were signs of my bitterness and sin. Trusting people is almost impossible, and it gets very tiring.

 

[Auntie_A]

I understand your problem more now. PTSD makes every new injustice magnify in our minds. Until we get real healing, that feeling of incompletion, trauma, and distrust gnaw at our insides. There will always be annoying, abusive people. How we deal with them becomes better as we get help for our past.

We need to be able to put present problems in perspective and not have them enlarged or reenacted over and over by our past memories. As someone once said, “You experienced a trauma once but now you repeatedly traumatize yourself.”

I don’t mean to put this all on you. You have probably had enough garbage for a lifetime.

I think she was a mess as a teacher but I want her to have less power in your life and memory. PTSD does cause us to prolong the effects of trauma. Maybe it is a sign that the original traumas were not fully healed. I keep you and all who have PTSD in my prayers. And I have met some PTSD sufferers who have healed and their reactions to injustices are strong and good but don’t cause further suffering for themselves.

 

[Kal2012]

Not everyone’s personality meshes with other people very well. There have been situations where all my friends “love” so-and-so and I just don’t see the attraction with that person. I try, but - in the end, I just don’t like the person.

There could have been other issues going on in her life that you are unaware of. Also, she may not have known about the previous traumas in your life that would make you react to her in the way that you did.

That said, you are now a Catholic. Focus on being the best Catholic you can be. Don’t focus your energy on someone who “did you wrong.” (Yes, I know it’s hard. I love blaming people for all that is wrong and unjust in the world too.)

As someone who also suffers from PSTD, I get where you are coming from. Trust is hard. It’s completely rational that you’d be upset that you were not able to tell your story and be heard.

You can’t control other people’s behavior. We can only be responsible for our behavior and how we act/react to the world around us. That’s all that’s really expected of us.

You’ve told the pastor that this person treated you badly and that’s all you really can do, except maybe tell someone higher up. However, unless there’s a pattern of bad behavior with this woman, she will probably still have the job. The pastor isn’t going to fire someone after one complaint. Everyone gets “hate mail”. (I used to work in customer service and everyone gets it at one time or another.)

All of us have people in our parishes that we’d rather do without. For me, it’s our retired weekend associate priest. Half the time, his homily just wanders around and then abruptly ends. It drives me nuts.

I try to realize that a priest isn’t just the sum of his homilies, but getting to that point, is really, really hard for me. I did speech and debate in high school and know when someone is giving a bad speech - like this priest usually is. (Usually, there’s a beginning with logical transitions…and there’s not meandering around hoping that the next point will somehow magically show up…and there’s not a “well, that’s all I’ve got” at the end and people looking at each other in the pews confused…)

Then, to add to my frustration, this priest LOVES sports analogies and talking about last night’s game. I’m okay with sports. I even like them on occasion, but I just don’'t like them as much as this particular priest. I can’t believe that he’s still allowed to preach mass twice every weekend!

I really don’t get why he’s still around, but obviously, someone thinks he’s good because he’s still there and there’s no sign that he’s going to be asked to leave.

I’m sure that some people love this priest. Think he’s the best thing ever. I can’t imagine being one of those people. However, I have found reasons not to vehemently hate the man.

It’s sounds to me that you will have to find some way to accept that this person will continue to be the RCIA coordinator, even though you didn’t have a good experience with her.

You don’t have to like it. (I know I wouldn’t like it.) However, that’s life. Life isn’t fair and we don’t always get the results we want. (Believe me, Father X would have been gone a long time ago if I was in charge of choosing the parish priests!)

You were treated badly. You stood up for yourself and told the pastor. It is up to the pastor to decide how to respond and deal with the problem. Your responsibility in the situation is done with. Accepting that is sometimes hard, but actively campaigning against this woman isn’t good for you or her.

Sadly, not all Christians act like Christians all the time. However, we remember the Lord’s prayer and pray for those who would “trespass against us” and try to move on from the situation. Why are you giving this woman so much power to keep you in a place where you are so upset and angry? That anger will eat you up if you let it.

My 2 cents. Take care.

 

[DarkLight]

I guess…my worry is that she’s a “good coordinator”, except for people with non-standard problems. It really frustrates me when I feel like people are allowed to get away with acting badly towards one group of people because there aren’t many of them. It’s sort of like in my field, you get the occasional guy who’s a really great teacher, except with women - but that’s ok because there aren’t many women and all the guys love them.

I feel like I’m in a situation where she’s a great coordinator, unless you have mental health issues. Or financial issues, since that also came up several times. Should discrimination be tolerated just because most people who come through the program don’t have those sorts of problems?

 

[GAHere]

I guess…my worry is that she’s a “good coordinator”, except for people with non-standard problems. . . . Should discrimination be tolerated just because most people who come through the program don’t have those sorts of problems?

Give that worry to God to handle. It is not within your abilities or position to do anything more than you’ve already done. Just as God saw you through RCIA under her training, he will also see to those like you she has yet to encounter. You really can trust him to take care of them, as he did you.

I suspect she is not aware of her discriminating words and actions, most people guilty of that have no clue that what they said or did could be interpreted as a judgmental attitude. Please give her the benefit of the doubt here. Pray that God make her aware of this trait of hers so that she can begin to correct it. He will speak to her heart on your behalf.

The church is an institution made up from many people. Those serving the church are under constant attack by Satan and his minions. They are manipulators, they gnaw away at our good intentions, plant doubt wherever they can. They are the ones who skew the coordinator’s point of view toward that air of discrimination. They are the ones who are keeping the matter of her employment at the forefront of your mind. By doing so they wear you down, they wear the coordinator down, to a point where words and actions are no longer Christ centered, but human.

The challenge is yours to face. Call on Mary to help you ward off these minions who are trying to get you to believe no church will be able to accept you as you are, help you to heal. They are lies. The Catholic Church has the Real Presence. Focus your attentions on him, there at adoration or in mass. Leave no room for the minions to gnaw at you and you will find peace. It is difficult to trust in humans. But you can trust in Jesus and his love for you, just the way you are. He shares in your suffering, let him carry the burden for you, with you.

 

[1ke]

The impression I got from the pastor was that he didn’t see it as an issue. From what he said he never even talked to her. I certainly never heard anything. And I know she called me “selfish” and “entitled” to my face - so that’s hardly an assumption. She told me flat-out that I was too entitled to think I had to follow directions, when I was struggling because of other issues, and that she thought I was obviously too immature to be joining the church. She also told me flat-out, when I said I didn’t know how to get the exact sponsor form she wanted, that it was my fault for “choosing someone who was probably not even practicing.”

No, I will not let it go. I am sick of letting things go, when people think they can treat those of us who don’t have the picture-perfect lives they expect like we’re the problem. I’m sick of being told to let it go like I wasn’t worth caring about or protecting, like I should just pretend the world is as nice as they think it is and get out of the way.

Ok so you refuse to let it go. What outcome, specifically, will satisfy you?

 

[DarkLight]

Ok so you refuse to let it go. What outcome, specifically, will satisfy you?

Honestly, I’d be happy with just some acknowledgement that it was wrong, and wasn’t just some silly misunderstanding. I really didn’t get much response at all to bringing it up. She said some extremely hurtful things, nearly made me have to delay joining because she couldn’t tell me paperwork right, kept saying she’d do things she never did, and made my holy week incredibly miserable, and it seems that the whole response is “oops, oh well.”

 

[1ke]

Honestly, I’d be happy with just some acknowledgement that it was wrong, and wasn’t just some silly misunderstanding. I really didn’t get much response at all to bringing it up. She said some extremely hurtful things, nearly made me have to delay joining because she couldn’t tell me paperwork right, kept saying she’d do things she never did, and made my holy week incredibly miserable, and it seems that the whole response is “oops, oh well.”

Then I think that’s what you are going to have to ask the pastor and the coordinator for, in a direct manner.

 

[Xantippe]

DarkLight said:

“I feel like I’m in a situation where she’s a great coordinator, unless you have mental health issues. Or financial issues, since that also came up several times.”

The financial one is actually a really simple fix and she should have told you how to do it. You take a collection envelope and fill it out but without including a donation. That way the parish can track your attendance and verify that you are indeed a regular attendee.

I don’t think you should “let it go” because I think you can improve this situation. You should ask politely for a meeting with the RCIA coordinator and the pastor and contact them every week until you get one, saying that you want to help improve how the RCIA program deals with people like yourself with mental health and financial problems. (Remember the persistent widow from Luke 18–even the unjust judge eventually gave in to her.)

I would not say anything at all about her treatment of you, but I would talk about 1) how the assignment affected you, as you are a victim of abuse and a person with mental illness 2) talk about the financial issue, and how you have been informed that there is an obvious solution (i.e. handing in filled-out but empty envelopes). Mention how very helpful it would be if that had been mentioned and how important it is that new RCIA candidates not be given the impression that the Church charges admission 3) make sure that they understand that even very trivial financial demands are an obstacle to people with small incomes.

I think I would order these topics from least to most controversial, so probably save 1) for last, as it’s the most likely to provoke a defensive reaction. When I list out these issues like this, it does not look trivial at all to me–these are very serious issues, and you are quite right to wish to see them successfully resolved. If you obtain a meeting and if it’s at all possible, bring a friend for moral support.

If you are unable to obtain a meeting within two months of polite weekly contact, write a letter to the bishop. You should probably ask for (name removed by moderator)ut on your draft. I would be very happy to comment if you PMed me.

My suspicion is that the RCIA coordinator is in over her head and is doing more than she can do well.

 

[Auntie_A]

Yes, good response. I wish things were as clear to us when we get backed into corners but your ideas are very solid here.

 

[Xantippe]

On reflection, I imagine that part of the problem with the RCIA coordinator is that she’s probably envisioning her RCIA program as being a factory assembly line with the RCIA candidates as widgets riding along on the conveyor belt being shaped and buffed and labeled, etc.

And then DarkLight, who the coordinator sees as one of those widgets, starts objecting to various procedures on the assembly line, much to the coordinator’s distress. She LIKES her assembly line!

I think you ought to think of the coordinator as being a flawed and limited person, rather than being some sort of all-powerful oppressor.

 

[Xantippe]

I was just remembering a quote from my husband. “He’s doing his best, it’s just that his best isn’t very good.” (That was relating to a new pastor who had just instituted an unenforceable and onerous policy–he wanted every CCD child who didn’t attend mass in the parish to bring in a signed bulletin from wherever they had gone to Mass.)

 

[1ke]

On reflection, I imagine that part of the problem with the RCIA coordinator is that she’s probably envisioning her RCIA program as being a factory assembly line with the RCIA candidates as widgets riding along on the conveyor belt being shaped and buffed and labeled, etc.

And then DarkLight, who the coordinator sees as one of those widgets, starts objecting to various procedures on the assembly line, much to the coordinator’s distress. She LIKES her assembly line!

I think you ought to think of the coordinator as being a flawed and limited person, rather than being some sort of all-powerful oppressor.

We also have only one side of the story, one person’s impressions and perceptions.