Terrible Situation: Venting and Need Advice

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jmjZelie

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I have recently been informed of the truth of my sister’s lifestyle after repeated attempts to communicate with her were met with silence or postponement. I asked my mother to inform me about what was happening.

I am horrified.

My sister, who is bipolar, has gone off her meds, likely due to trading them for pain pills. She was addicted to prescription painkillers before and is apparently totally relapsed.
She has been abusing her husband, God only knows for how long and to what extent, but we do know it includes both emotional and physical abuse.
She is living in filth and squalor, and her home is unsanitary for her children.
My mother is raising my niece (my sister’s oldest child) and is watching my nephew (sister’s baby) several times a week. She is appalled by what she is witnessing now, but is powerless at the moment to do anything. She has chronic pain issues and chronic fatigue and cannot take in another child full time right now because she is disabled.
My sister’s husband has finally forced her to leave, after repeated attempts at separation and reconciliation and continued abuse and constant fighting. He has a new girlfriend now, and thus far, has not attempted to keep the baby. I don’t know what his intentions are with respect to custody of the baby (I should mention he is not the father of the older girl, my niece).
My nephew is only getting fast food meals and is bitten all over by bed bugs, both according to my sister’s admission.
She apparently is capable enough to secure and maintain full time employment for a year now, but inacapable of securing housing, so after her husband forced her to leave (they were living in his parents’ home and apparently she allowed it to become filthy and he could neither keep up nor deal with it any longer), she moved in with relatives that are more dysfunctional than she is. My niece was disgusted by the filth.

I live across a continent from my sister, and she has effectively ceased contact with me for the moment. I am so upset by all of this.

I needed to vent a bit, but I don’t want to remain in anger. I need advice.

Obviously, I will pray. But how should I pray? Are there any novenas or patron saints I should petition? Are there other ways to help desperate situations via practices of our faith?

What practical steps should I take? Should I respect her wishes not to contact me or should I keep trying to text or call? If I should contact her, what should I say?

Thank you in advance for any help or advice. I also would appreciate if anyone who has experienced this with their family would share something of heir story and how you responded to the situation.
 
I can’t offer any advice from person experience, but it really sounds like you may need to call family services and report on your sister…
 
I second that. There are times when it really is best to bring in Child Protective Services. It certainly will be better for the child, and it may be the wake up call your sister needs.

Praying for you.
 
I considered that but I haven’t witnessed anything and I am relying upon only my mother’s description of the situation. She is caring for him several times a week while my sister works. She has seen enough that she has considered both trying to get my sister to let her keep him (which she really can’t do because of her disability and poverty) or calling CPS. The thing that makes her pause about calling CPS is that he would not likely get placed with family because he is currently in a different county. I think she is torn between trying to give him a loving place with his grandmother and his sister some of the time, and having him removed to a foster home.

Should I speak with her about this again? I don’t want to say the wrong thing. Thoughts on that?
 
Agree, call in Child Services immediately. Bed bug bites alone are enough for intervention not to mention the rest of the dire situation. Right now the first goal should be to protect the children.
Then once they are safe, you can concentrate on how best to assist your sister. All the while letting her know of your love and concern.
Some people have to hit an absolute bottom before they ever want to help themselves or attempt to climb out of the mess their life is in.
You can offer love, support and prayers.

I will pray for your family.
 
Please, those who respond with the idea to call CPS, answer the following question for me:

Can I call CPS with only hearsay accusations from across a continent?

(I have never had any reason to call CPS before, so I am unsure how it works, and if secondhand information is acceptable for a report.)
 
jmjZelie said:
Please, those who respond with the idea to call CPS, answer the following question for me:

Can I call CPS with only hearsay accusations from across a continent?

(I have never had any reason to call CPS before, so I am unsure how it works, and if secondhand information is acceptable for a report.)
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Secondhand information should be enough for there to be an investigation. If it’s not then you need to convince your mother to call since she has first hand knowledge of the situation.
 
Since he is the brother of this woman, and obviously has spoken with his mother to know she has been caring for one of the children, I would assume his mother has given him honest information and assent of the situation.
He can suggest the mother phone for assistance, guidance or help.

I’m pretty sure if one Knows A child is in peril or danger (even if its just a possibility of becoming ill from bug bites) or living in nasty unhealthy conditions, they have a duty to attempt to protect the children in the best way or whatever avenue they can.

It sounds as if this brother wants to do the right thing and was asking for opinions. I gave mine. Peace.
 
jmjZelie said:
Please, those who respond with the idea to call CPS, answer the following question for me:

Can I call CPS with only hearsay accusations from across a continent?

(I have never had any reason to call CPS before, so I am unsure how it works, and if secondhand information is acceptable for a report.)
Click to expand...
I can’t say for certain but it seems like at the very least it could initiate a welfare check. If they get there and find what you’ve heard is true, they can then take action to protect the minors.
 
Faithful_Seeker said:
Since he is the brother of this woman, and obviously has spoken with his mother to know she has been caring for one of the children, I would assume his mother has given him honest information and assent of the situation.
He can suggest the mother phone for assistance, guidance or help.

I’m pretty sure if one Knows A child is in peril or danger (even if its just a possibility of becoming ill from bug bites) or living in nasty unhealthy conditions, they have a duty to attempt to protect the children in the best way or whatever avenue they can.

It sounds as if this brother wants to do the right thing and was asking for opinions. I gave mine. Peace.
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I am female.

I am also a mother to a large family. This breaks my heart.

I have called my mother once again to discuss the matter and she is going to seek counsel right away about how to go about handling making a report.

She has already had to go through this once, ten years ago, to get my niece out of a situation with my sister’s neglect, that was not nearly so bad as this.

We are horrified to see history not only repeat itself, but be so much worse than before.
 
AKDee said:
I can’t say for certain but it seems like at the very least it could initiate a welfare check. If they get there and find what you’ve heard is true, they can then take action to protect the minors.
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This is good information to know. Thank you.

I have a few more details now, and I have strongly urged my mother to make the report herself, but I have told her that I am willing to do so if for some reason she feels unable to do it.
 
AKDee said:
I can’t say for certain but it seems like at the very least it could initiate a welfare check. If they get there and find what you’ve heard is true, they can then take action to protect the minors.
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I agree. Would definitely have the local police/sheriff make a welfare check. When they get there and see the filth, I think that they will take the appropriate action.
 
I have decided to give my mother a day to decide whether or not she will make the call. I told her I was willing to make the call if she feels unable. I have discovered, after asking some other questions that led to further revelations, that my mother is terrified of my sister’s rage. I had known that my sister had previously abused my mother when my sister was still a teen, and I was also aware that my sister has a history of narcissistic rages (although I have never witnessed it). But I had no idea how afraid my mother is of my sister. I don’t know why that thought never occurred to me before today. 😦

So my mother has been ashamed of not being courageous enough to have done something before now, even just talking to my sister to tell her she needs to take care of the baby and the home.

This situation is even worse than I thought. I think I need some more in-person guidance, but unfortunately, I don’t know anyone I can talk to about this…except my husband, and his first thought is to protect me from her rages.
 
jmjZelie said:
Please, those who respond with the idea to call CPS, answer the following question for me:

Can I call CPS with only hearsay accusations from across a continent?

(I have never had any reason to call CPS before, so I am unsure how it works, and if secondhand information is acceptable for a report.)
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You don’t need to provide proof; file a complaint with the information you have and let CPS gather the evidence; a visit from them might be just what your sister needs to wake up. Stop worrying about hurting her feelings; every day you wait is another day the baby will spend eating fast food and being bitten at night by bedbugs.
 
I am really praying for the strength you and your family need to make this very difficult decision. God bless you.
 
silver_moon said:
This whole situation is really sad. I recommend you check out

treatmentadvocacycenter.org

Section for families:

treatmentadvocacycenter.org/get-help

This is a lot of work to take on, but the resources show that other people have been through this before. best wishes.
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Thank you. I took a quick peek at this resource and it appears to be very helpful.

My sister has been hospitalized, on suicide watches, at least twice in her adulthood.

I have been out of state since she was about 10yo, as I am quite a bit older, so I have been quite unaware of just how bad things have become. I suspect there was a lot of denial going on with our mother and her father.

I think my sister might be far sicker and a greater danger to herself and others than anyone close to the situation is willing to admit.

For my part, I miss the sweet child she was when I left home and wonder where my baby sister went??:confused:
 
Unfortunately, denial is not all that uncommon among family members. As with many illnesses both physical and mental, people can miss the signs when they are not living with the person or are not knowledgeable about what questions to ask.

People will improve a lot on the right medication and therapy, but that takes persistence in going to doctors and getting treatment, and ending whatever drug addictions are present, if any. If she smokes, that is a big risk factor for heart disease. Many mentally ill people don’t get the physical health care they need. That’s something else the site may be able to help you with.

I’ll pray for you. I hope you’re able to take care of yourself and help your sister and her son. take care.
 
Before you call child services I think it is time to visit your mother and your sister. If these kids mean anything to you then make the trip. Find a way. See with your own eyes and pray to God on what to do. You should do this quickly. And why is your mother who is disabled and poor taking the whole of the responsibility. Doesn’t your sister’s ex have family? Don’t these grandparents want a part of the baby boy’s life?
 
I prayed and sought counsel and decided that calling DCS was inappropriate. I only have the words of my mother, who is not trustworthy, to get a picture of what is happening here, and parts of her story don’t add up. I tried again to get some response from my sister, either calling or texting, and she finally texted me back.
I asked kindly how she is doing and inquired about her son. I asked about self-care and help with the baby, and nutrition, etc. She gave me reasonable answers that admit she is not doing her best but that she is trying and she has some more help now.
I also found out that my mother spoke with my sister’s husband (they speak regularly because of child care arrangements) and he informed her that he is filing for divorce on Monday, in order to force my sister to let him see their son and have shared custody. So he is aware of the situation and is planning his own next steps. And his mother (the other grandmother) is involved with helping a lot with the baby.
The accusations against my sister by my mother are serious, but she has “exaggerated” before about things to the point that I felt lied to and manipulated. So I cannot take any action, let alone drastic measures, on just the word of my mother alone. But now that I know the father of the baby is actively trying to address the situation, it is time for me to be quiet and pray.
 
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