Terrible twos...horrible threes next?

[Serap]

I was in the throws of terrible twos and I thought I had a deviant devil incarnate.

My son was a biter, a hitter, a hair puller and a pincher. Everyone and their dog was telling me that my son needed help…he had serious isses…he was a bully…etc. I went to his doctor…she said he was normal and told me to be firm with him…no spankings, no time outs, etc.; and lots of positive re-inforcement. I remember thinking, “That will never work with my son!”

My son’s caregiver and me just kept at it. We consequently chose not to spank as it only made his aggressive tendencies worse. We set limits and continued to be firm. We also praised him everytime he used his words, or didn’t hit when frustrated.

We would have a couple of days of fun with my little guy and we were all shocked!!! My caregiver and I proceded with caution …it was just too good to be true …then it would happen…he would bite a baby at the park…oh brother! This kid!!!

But, slowly, over a period of about 2 months, it just continued to get better…a couple days of good behaviour turned into 3 days in a row!!! Then 4 days in a row!!! Now I am looking at this lovely sweet little boy of 2 years and 9 months and I’m like, “IN YOUR FACE!” to all those people that told me I had a natural “bully” on my hands.

We’re not out of the woods yet, but each week goes by and we see improvement. He still hits his sister and hits other kids out of frustration, but not nearly as hard or as often

Bring on the “horrible” threes b/c me thinks the so called “horrible” threes are not going to be so “horrible”.

Any other experiences and victories?

Edited to add: Just 3 months ago, my SIL told me that my son would never change and he would always be a bully…my son’s sweetness is the best revenge!! Her daughter is now 9 months old…wonder how her terrible twos will be?

 

[Aggies08]

I teach this age.

I think it exasperates the parents more than us teachers . As long as you stay consistent, firm, and sure about how you respond to the child, they learn their boundaries quickly, and well!

LOVE 'em LOVE 'em LOVE 'em!

The biggest thing I see that parents can do is encourage “using words” at a younger age- it’s always preferable to have a child yell than strike at another child! They can easily start doing that by 18mo.

 

[shainski]

No, the threes were actually pretty good.

But I remember my wife - when our oldest hit four saying. “Oh my, if i had known how bad the “emotional fours” were going to be, i would have enjoyed the terrible twos more.”.

There is a period in the 4th year, that the child doesn’t seem to be able to keep up with the flow of hormones or something - and every disappointment comes with a flow of tears. My wife was recommended a book (I think it was called “Touchstones”) which deals with what the kids are going through at each phase. Once we realized it was a normal part of growing up, we were better able to handle it.

But good luck. Enjoy each phase as you are in it (because by the time you figure it out, they are onto the next phase)

 

[ReachingFaith]

oh, forget the hype about three…the four’s are fearsome. No, really. Like the OP said, they seem to lose the ability to handle anything without drowning in tears and screams. Good luck to you…

 

[cshoremom]

My kids were pretty good at 2…I thought I had super-wonderful kids:wink:

3 1/2 until 4 1/2 was really challenging!..lots of stubbornness!!!

 

[jilly4ski]

My kids were pretty good at 2…I thought I had super-wonderful kids:wink:

3 1/2 until 4 1/2 was really challenging!..lots of stubbornness!!!

LOL, I think my kids went through the terrible 2s at 18-months. By the time they hit 2, they were pretty sweet and understood their boundaries and consequences for breaking them. (Well, my second was trying to do his terrible twos before he turned one, he is much better now at 20months, but still gets that evil grin on his face when you tell him not to do things).

However, I was in the middle of toilet training my son when he hit 3, and I swear the day after his third birthday the stubbornness hit. Then it was all about retraining about the new boundaries and new consequences.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Periods of challenge are going to rise throughout childhood. It started for me around 18months (I called this the terrible twos), then rose again sometime around 3, and then again and again (my oldest is 11, so I’m sure there is more fun to come)… Each time, the challenge becomes more sophisticated because the child is older. The child will think he has come up with a new question, a new angle. When he’s 2, the question is, “who is in charge?” When he’s 3, it might be, “Can I trick you now that I’m so smart?” When he’s 6, it might be, “Now that I know so much, shouldn’t I be able to argue when you expect obedience?” A few years after that, it will be “do you really think you still know better than me?” It’s all variations on the same theme though, and the key is to recognize defiance in their new forms and continue to consistently and lovingly assert your own authority while also respecting their developmental changes. Beyond the age of 2, it gets more difficult because you have to find the balance between expecting immediate obedience and giving your child explanations so they actually understand right from wrong.

Whether you will get hit in a dramatic way at the age of 3, I can’t say. Every child has their own time table, and some kids have more subtle periods of defiance that don’t necessarily have obvious starting and stopping points.

BTW, I know you didn’t ask, but the two books that have helped me the most are Dr. James Dobson’s “Dare to Discipline” and Dr. Ray Guarendi’s “Discipline that Lasts a Lifetime.” Dobson’s book is more controversial - very pro spanking in the early years (7 and under), and from a protestant perspective. But it also gave a good philosophy about how to view defiance in the early years. Might not be worthwhile for someone to read if they are definitely not going to use corporal punishment. Guarendi’s book, OTOH, is helpful for the entire range of ages, and works well for those on both sides of the spanking debate because he that’s not what the book is about. His book doesn’t have as many specific ideas for the toddler/preschool set, but his philosophy is sound, and I find that reading and listening to him helps me to internalize that philosophy. (He also has a tv show on EWTN, and a radio show on Ave Maria Radio)

 

[Serap]

No, the threes were actually pretty good.

But I remember my wife - when our oldest hit four saying. “Oh my, if i had known how bad the “emotional fours” were going to be, i would have enjoyed the terrible twos more.”.

There is a period in the 4th year, that the child doesn’t seem to be able to keep up with the flow of hormones or something - and every disappointment comes with a flow of tears. My wife was recommended a book (I think it was called “Touchstones”) which deals with what the kids are going through at each phase. Once we realized it was a normal part of growing up, we were better able to handle it.

But good luck. Enjoy each phase as you are in it (because by the time you figure it out, they are onto the next phase)

Yes, my daughter went through this at 4. She was also obsessed with death. Now she is a big back talker Lots of time-outs lately. She’s insanely jealous of her baby brother. I try my best to make sure that she feels loved too. I take her out on special “mommy and me” dates and she loves that.

 

[SamH]

The biggest issue with the “terrible twos” is that the child (usually) can’t talk to tell you what they want. We are starting it early with our 18 month old.

He was always happy to a point that if he cried much at all we automatically thought he was sick - we are well past that. Last night we could not get him to sleep (too long of nap in the afternoon). He tried to enter our older sons’ room where the cool toys are but they were asleep (it was midnight) and I stopped him then closed the door. He wailed uncontrollably then literally beat his head on the floor (!!!). He wants to talk, he wants to tell us what he wants or what hurts or that his diaper is full but he can’t - and it ticks him off.

 

[udoc89]

I never believed there was such a thing as “terrible twos.” My children did not go through this. I was unprepared for my grandson. I keep reminding my daughter that consistency is the key! By the way, I think parenthood is for the young.

 

[Serap]

The biggest issue with the “terrible twos” is that the child (usually) can’t talk to tell you what they want. We are starting it early with our 18 month old.

He was always happy to a point that if he cried much at all we automatically thought he was sick - we are well past that. Last night we could not get him to sleep (too long of nap in the afternoon). He tried to enter our older sons’ room where the cool toys are but they were asleep (it was midnight) and I stopped him then closed the door. He wailed uncontrollably then literally beat his head on the floor (!!!). He wants to talk, he wants to tell us what he wants or what hurts or that his diaper is full but he can’t - and it ticks him off.

This is my son. His speech is improving.

He still hits kids on playdates when he’s frustrated. We are still working on that.

 

[Serap]

I never believed there was such a thing as “terrible twos.” My children did not go through this. I was unprepared for my grandson. I keep reminding my daughter that consistency is the key! By the way, I think parenthood is for the young.

I’m 41. I think I waited too long for this!!!

 

[udoc89]

Bless you, Serap!!

 

[Z1Z2]

Bring on the “horrible” threes b/c me thinks the so called “horrible” threes are not going to be so “horrible”.

Any other experiences and victories?

three is an awesome age! For both of mine, three was an age when they were well behaved, probably because they learned to communicate clearly, their individual personality started showing, yet they still thought mom was the most awesome person in the world. Lots of fun ahead for you!!

 

[armywife]

I’m 41. I think I waited too long for this!!!

LOL, my sister says the same thing. She married when she was 40 and had her two right away. She’s 47 with a 5 and 4 yo. Her husband is a bit older and in his mid-50’s. And she thought I was nuts when we started having kids at 23 and 25.

 

[Cat]

It’s probably just an old wives’ tale, but it was true for our daughters–the ODD years are the peaceful years, and the EVEN years are the traumatic years.

Perhaps we EXPECTED the odd years to be peaceful, and that’s why they were peaceful.

I agree with the recommendation of the Dobson books. Having never had any experience with young children, and having no family around to help us, my husband and I raised our kids strictly by Dobson, and the results were wonderful. I think that Catholics should stop being afraid of his books because they are not “Catholic.” Dr. Dobson has always been one of the evangelical Protestants who welcomed Catholics onto his radio program and who associated with and praised Catholics in his many pro-life activities when he was a younger man.

I think that most Catholics are capable of overlooking the few things in Dobson’s books that are unacceptable for Catholics (e.g., Dr. Dobson teaches that masturbation is normal and not a sin). These few “sticking points” have nothing to do with the general child-rearing principles that Dobson presents in all of his books.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Our son’s terrible twos lasted over 19 years. We’re hoping he comes out of them soon. As a result, when our older daughters hit that age, we got lots of compliments on how effortlessly we seemed to handle it. Actually, our older daughter never had anything that even resembled the terrible twos. We did have a short period where we struggled to get her to go to sleep on her own, but she never had the tantrums, screaming, etc. that most associate with the terrible twos. Our younger daughter more than made up for it, although we knew it wouldn’t last too long and we rode it out patiently. With our two youngest, the older of the two is going through them now. I’m sure some would be taken aback by some of the fits she throws, but they’re not that often and the worst of them are brought on by people reacting to her in a poor manner so most are avoidable. While some would probably disagree, she’s nowhere near as bad as her older sister was. The truly catastrophic meltdowns can try your patience, but most of what she goes through is brought on my being tired, hungry or frustrated and can be quickly remedied. The baby is about as happy and easygoing a baby as I’ve ever seen, so we’re hoping her twos are more along the lines of her oldest sister.

 

[Arlene]

The biggest issue with the “terrible twos” is that the child (usually) can’t talk to tell you what they want. We are starting it early with our 18 month old.

He was always happy to a point that if he cried much at all we automatically thought he was sick - we are well past that. Last night we could not get him to sleep (too long of nap in the afternoon). He tried to enter our older sons’ room where the cool toys are but they were asleep (it was midnight) and I stopped him then closed the door. He wailed uncontrollably then literally beat his head on the floor (!!!). He wants to talk, he wants to tell us what he wants or what hurts or that his diaper is full but he can’t - and it ticks him off.

Try introducing signing. If you teach him some simple signs for him to communicate his needs, it really lowers the frustration level until he becomes verbal.

 

[SamH]

Try introducing signing. If you teach him some simple signs for him to communicate his needs, it really lowers the frustration level until he becomes verbal.

He does sign to a degree - he can do “more” and “food” and a few others. He can also say short sentences “Here ya go” when he hands me the remote that he’s found, “Thank you”, “Hi dad”, and of course “NO!” But he can’t say “My ear hurts” or “I have gas so bad I think I’m going to explode”.

 

[Serap]

He does sign to a degree - he can do “more” and “food” and a few others. He can also say short sentences “Here ya go” when he hands me the remote that he’s found, “Thank you”, “Hi dad”, and of course “NO!” But he can’t say “My ear hurts” or “I have gas so bad I think I’m going to explode”.

Yeah, my son (for the first time) actually explained his ear infection to me only just 2 months ago at age 2 and a half.

He pointed to his ear and said “ouchie”.

Communication skills are a huge reason why the two’s can be so difficult for some toddlers.