Texting his secretary

[pnewton]

This whole situation is messy. It is clear we are of little help. I would say you need someone close to you that is spiritually grounded to help you with your dating life, as a small part of your spiritual life. If you were being pressured for sex and went away for a weekend, that is a near occasion of sin. You have given several things about him that are spiritually problematic. What you need is what we all need; to make sure your relationship with Jesus is all it can be. Then you can find someone else who is spiritually strong but detached and objective and get real advice.

Have you talked to your priest about this? Can you talk to your priest about this? If not, why not?

 

[Debora123]

The truth is uncharitable? Ok, go with that.

There is a right and a wrong way of saying things. I didn’t think you were charitable towards the OP.

 

[twopekinguys]

There is a right and a wrong way of saying things. I didn’t think you were charitable towards the OP.

And I disagree, so I guess we are at a stalemate.

 

[morethanme2]

He is not Catholic but he does pray and believes in following the 10 commandments. However I don’t think… Long term… He would be okay without sex.

And I think that may be why I am hearing about this secretary. He had a business idea that he scrapped not long ago and I spent a whole morning talking it out with him … Giving him my professional advice …and encouraging him. He left a new man… Excited.

Well the next day (I’m now putting 2 and 2 together) he told me he disclosed this business idea to his secretary (I didn’t realize then) and that he thought it was such a great idea and that she would even be a testimonial on his website. I remember now thinking … Wow. So now you are telling coworkers about your secret project and getting excited when someone offers to be a testimonial!!!

Now I’m realizing all that excitement was due to HeR interest in his project. Makes my stomach turn.

 

[Robertanthony]

Twopekinguys, it’s none of anyone’s business how OP found out about some of the skeletons in her BF’s closet. The truth is there for everyone to behold, how it’s been uncovered is irrelevant IMO. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder regarding women…

So he’s a broke, divorced man with three kids , texting his “very attractive” 20-something secretary on weekends, the word “vagina” comes up in the text messages, he spends much time with said secretary at work giggling and laughing, as a true selfless gentleman (sic) he often compliments her on her figure (with no ulterior motive [re-sic]), you grab the bill when you go on dates, he has herpes. In Joel Osteen’s own words, that’s not God’s best, for sure.

 

[Debora123]

Twopekinguys, it’s none of anyone’s business how OP found out about some of the skeletons in her BF’s closet. The truth is there for everyone to behold, how it’s been uncovered is irrelevant IMO. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder regarding women…

Tell me about it…

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I think I really fell for him…so it’s hard to see this objectively.

There’s a big difference between, say, feeling sorry for someone and trying to help them, and dating and/or marrying them. Dating/marrying them will not solve those problems.

 

[twopekinguys]

Twopekinguys, it’s none of anyone’s business how OP found out about some of the skeletons in her BF’s closet. The truth is there for everyone to behold, how it’s been uncovered is irrelevant IMO. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder regarding women…

Remember that when somebody goes digging through your private communications and belongings.

My “chip” as you want to call it is this. This forum especially is great at man bashing. The woman never does anything wrong. This thread is a perfect example.

She lied (admittedly) when she said she “accidentally” picked up his Blackberry. Then she knowingly snooped through it.

Then everyone jumped on board with bashing the guy for the text when it was the SECRETARY that started it. So much for reading comprehension.

She admitted she tried to dig up more dirt on the work relationship.

She admitted to going away with him for the weekend,

But yeah, she’s the saint and he’s the bad guy. Really?

I’ve asked this before, and will ask it again. Nobody has ever given an answer.

When does a/the woman take responsibility for her actions.

You’re right, the truth is out there for everyone. Some people just refuse to see it. Think about that for a bit.

 

[pnewton]

Twopekinguys, it’s none of anyone’s business how OP found out about some of the skeletons in her BF’s closet. The truth is there for everyone to behold, how it’s been uncovered is irrelevant IMO. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder regarding women…

I would not say it is irrelevant. They are not married. There should be some presumption of privacy. It still serves as some indication to problems on both sides. It is irrelevant in assessing this guy though.

 

[Guineviere]

Remember that when somebody goes digging through your private communications and belongings.

If you have nothing to hide, who cares. If someone is on the up and up then there should be not reason for the other person to feel the need to investigate. Obviously, the OP saw a red flag and wanted to know the truth. Again, many things are wrong with this picture on both sides.

“chip” as you want to call it is this. This forum especially is great at man bashing. The woman never does anything wrong. This thread is a perfect example.

Nobody said the OP did nothing wrong. She is asking for advice. It has nothing to do with being a man or a woman. There is an active thread on these boards [search for: “I need help!! Wive issues”] with a man asking for similar advice about his wife. The answers are all pretty much in line with what the OP is being advised here.

lied (admittedly) when she said she “accidentally” picked up his Blackberry. Then she knowingly snooped through it.

Then everyone jumped on board with bashing the guy for the text when it was the SECRETARY that started it. So much for reading comprehension.

I think everyone understands that. Imagine that you innocently see a text pop up on your significant others cell phone. I too was accused of snooping when I looked at the details of a $400 cell phone bill, only because I thought it was a mistake. I brushed it under the rug and was shocked when he left me for his business associate aka friend several months later.

The OP has seen things that make her uneasy and suspicious. It would be crazy to tell her to ignore the signs and proceed with this guy.

does a/the woman take responsibility for her actions.

The OP happens to be a woman in this thread. Men cheat everyday, women cheat everyday. It’s a sign of the times. I agree, you do have seem to have a chip on your shoulder regarding women.

right, the truth is out there for everyone. Some people just refuse to see it. Think about that for a bit.

The truth? She saw things she shouldn’t have seen and now questions the relationship.

 

[Debora123]

If you have nothing to hide, who cares. If someone is on the up and up then there should be not reason for the other person to feel the need to investigate. Obviously, the OP saw a red flag and wanted to know the truth. Again, many things are wrong with this picture on both sides.

Nobody said the OP did nothing wrong. She is asking for advice. It has nothing to do with being a man or a woman. There is an active thread on these boards [search for: “I need help!! Wive issues”] with a man asking for similar advice about his wife. The answers are all pretty much in line with what the OP is being advised here.

I think everyone understands that. Imagine that you innocently see a text pop up on your significant others cell phone. I too was accused of snooping when I looked at the details of a $400 cell phone bill, only because I thought it was a mistake. I brushed it under the rug and was shocked when he left me for his business associate aka friend several months later.

The OP has seen things that make her uneasy and suspicious. It would be crazy to tell her to ignore the signs and proceed with this guy.

The OP happens to be a woman in this thread. Men cheat everyday, women cheat everyday. It’s a sign of the times. I agree, you do have seem to have a chip on your shoulder regarding women.

The truth? She saw things she shouldn’t have seen and now questions the relationship.

 

[pnewton]

I can not even imagine what it would be like to be in the position of the poster. It has to be hard to be in the dating world this day. But this guy, I can imagine. Bosses and their secrertaries are a cliche for a reason. So much so that anyone who texts sexual inuendo is either sexually involved, fishing for sexual involvement, or extremely stupid. Unilateral flirtation is career-ending. Bi-lateral flirtation that goes south is career ending. That is the nature of the workforce today, as it should be. One has to question if something like this might have ended his first marriage. Secretarial indiscretion has been known to end many a marriage.

 

[twopekinguys]

If you have nothing to hide, who cares. If someone is on the up and up then there should be not reason for the other person to feel the need to investigate. Obviously, the OP saw a red flag and wanted to know the truth. Again, many things are wrong with this picture on both sides.

Remind me not to leave my wallet and credit cards around you.

Nobody said the OP did nothing wrong. She is asking for advice. It has nothing to do with being a man or a woman. There is an active thread on these boards [search for: “I need help!! Wive issues”] with a man asking for similar advice about his wife. The answers are all pretty much in line with what the OP is being advised here.

I don’t see anyone else calling her out on her behavior in the situation. Do you?

I think everyone understands that. Imagine that you innocently see a text pop up on your significant others cell phone. I too was accused of snooping when I looked at the details of a $400 cell phone bill, only because I thought it was a mistake. I brushed it under the rug and was shocked when he left me for his business associate aka friend several months later.

How innocently did you see the text pop up? Walking across the room and accidentally picking up the phone? BTW: Sorry it came to that.

The OP has seen things that make her uneasy and suspicious. It would be crazy to tell her to ignore the signs and proceed with this guy.

By him turning the screen so she couldn’t see? That is snooping and being nosy too. As I stated, I sometimes receive confidential work information on my phone. Even though I trust my family, they know that this information is sensitive and not for everyone’s eyes, and they stay away from my phone (I work for the gov’t)

The OP happens to be a woman in this thread. Men cheat everyday, women cheat everyday. It’s a sign of the times. I agree, you do have seem to have a chip on your shoulder regarding women.

What is that scripture about removing the moat from your eye before worrying about the splinter in someone elses?

I don’t have a “chip” on my shoulder, but I am fair minded. I don’t automatically say…“Oh, you poor thing.” I usually ask, “what did you do”?

If you have kids, you’ll understand this. Johnny yells, “Daddy, Billy hit me!!”, I say, “What did you do to Billy?”. See how that works?

You need to call it for what it is, and that is exactly what I have done. Sorry if you don’t like it or understand it.

There is another old saying. There are 3 sides to every story. Yours, mine, and the truth.

Think about it.

The truth? She saw things she shouldn’t have seen and now questions the relationship.

 

[morethanme2]

Let me repeat. We have the exact same blackberry. I accidentally picked up his and saw the word vagina. It shocked me. I am a bad person for not dropping the phone. You are right.

But what do I think now? I can’t undo what I saw. Wish I could.

The problem I have is that he lied when I asked him about it. He says never texts her. The. When I said … Yes you do. I know you do…

That’s when I started hearing more of the truth about his “buddy”.

 

[Irish_Cabbie]

Recently, we were away for the weekend and I accidentally grabbed his blackberry instead of mine.

Sure. And you “accidentally” continued to read all these messages that were not sent to you?

If you violated my privacy like that, I would dump you.

 

[Guineviere]

How innocently did you see the text pop up? Walking across the room and accidentally picking up the phone? BTW: Sorry it came to that.

I never saw a text. I never looked. I never searched through his belongings. After 24 years and 3 kids that never occurred to me. He too works/ed for the government, a SF COL and had business dealings I was not privy to. I did know, however, that sensitive information was not to be shared via unsecured texts and email accounts.

I simply saw a crazy cell phone bill and questioned if it needed to be submitted for reimbursement through the government. His answer to a usual question was disproportionate. He was defensive and turned it on me. This is similar to what happened with the OP.

If I innocently saw a text that I found questionable on a man’s cell phone that I was dating I wouldn’t stick around long enough to snoop or ask questions. I refuse to live like that.

 

[Grace2013]

Yes and I admit it’s hard to resist because we do have a great connection.

But, the reality is that because of his divorce… He has no money. I do well… So while he apologizes and “feels bad” I end up paying for most things too. .
Although he is working hard and reaching for a better paying Job.

:banghead: From experience … once you start paying, you never stop and the excuses from his end keep coming!

 

[maltmom]

:banghead: From experience … once you start paying, you never stop and the excuses from his end keep coming!

Sad, but true!!

 

[My_Nose_My_Toes]

Pnewton is correct, I feel for the OP. How he deals with knowing how YOU feel about it says everything. If it were me, I would move on. His job is to make you feel better, not console his secretary, if she says she is ‘too fat’. Everything else is garnish. Are you comfortable with a friendship that he has with her at this level? That is only for you to answer. For some, no biggie. For others, a deal breaker. Texting can get really weird, depending on the maturity of the individuals involved. Joking does not always translate well as innocent or serious when in texting form. I, personally, am not an insecure person in general, but if I had to deal with a significant other who defends jokes and the like, it leaves a strange unknown that would bug me, like he doesn’t have to explain it, ‘it is all just joking.’ We are entitled to privacy, but not secrecy when it comes to relationships. If you feel you are being more transparent than he is, you might want to take a step back, to protect your feelings?

 

[LilyM]

Remind me not to leave my wallet and credit cards around you.

I don’t see anyone else calling her out on her behavior in the situation. Do you?

How innocently did you see the text pop up? Walking across the room and accidentally picking up the phone? BTW: Sorry it came to that.

By him turning the screen so she couldn’t see? That is snooping and being nosy too. As I stated, I sometimes receive confidential work information on my phone. Even though I trust my family, they know that this information is sensitive and not for everyone’s eyes, and they stay away from my phone (I work for the gov’t)

What is that scripture about removing the moat from your eye before worrying about the splinter in someone elses?

I don’t have a “chip” on my shoulder, but I am fair minded. I don’t automatically say…“Oh, you poor thing.” I usually ask, “what did you do”?

If you have kids, you’ll understand this. Johnny yells, “Daddy, Billy hit me!!”, I say, “What did you do to Billy?”. See how that works?

You need to call it for what it is, and that is exactly what I have done. Sorry if you don’t like it or understand it.

There is another old saying. There are 3 sides to every story. Yours, mine, and the truth.

Think about it.

The truth? She saw things she shouldn’t have seen and now questions the relationship.

An analogy might help - if police have ‘probable cause’ to think you have been involved in a crime, then they have the right (formally granted where required by obtaining a search warrant) to search your person or your belongings or listen to your phone conversations or look at your texts or emails.

This woman almost certainly had ample ‘probable cause’ beforehand to think her bf was dodgy - people rarely read others’ texts just to kill time or anything. If so then she is no lord at fault than the police when they investigate.