The ‘I’m Not Ready to Get Married’ Trap

[Xantippe]

That’s absolutely true. Hubby and I are in many ways living an extended adolescence, as are many of our couple friends. We make no apologies for that. But doing it as a young married couple has really benefited us personally and financially, it will be to the benefit of our future children, and it has already allowed us to help our aging parents out in ways we probably wouldn’t have been able to as singles. That’s one of the reasons marriage is good for society.

As beneficial as it may be, I’m not sure we’re going go back to stark, boring, early adulthood with heavy responsibility at age 18 or 21. It’s a hard sell to go back once people see it can be put off indefinitely. But encouraging people to be open to early marriage (21-25) even if they still have a lot of growing up to do would be a step towards solving some of the economic and and personal struggles (loneliness, isolation, moving to a new city, etc) that so many millennials are dealing with and put them in a good position to buy a house or have kids when they finally are ready, rather than scrambling to find someone.

Before anyone panics, I’m not suggesting that “man children” and flighty, aimless young women get married to explore life together with no idea who they are or what they want. I’m just saying that the 24 year old med student and 21 year old nurse can get married without feeling pressure for a big apartment, 2 cars, and a kid right away. They can still live the lives they were going to anyway while pooling their resources, attacking debt, and saving. Or a 23 year old pipefitter apprentice and a 22 year old finishing up her education degree. You get the idea - people who are pointed in the right direction, but not necessarily established or hoping to be right away.

But women have been told that getting married will “hold them back” and men have been told they’ll only be “ready” for marriage upon “XYZ”.

I suspect the reason for this is that the mainstream middle class norm is for marriage to immediately precede childbearing. As a rule, people get married when they want to have children, as mainstream middle class parenting requires two fully engaged parents.

So, there are a number of different models in play. Here are two of them:

1. mainstream late marriage (thanks to contraception) and immediate childbearing
2. mainstream Evangelical early marriage, with perhaps delayed childbearing (thanks to contraception).

When figuring out what the Catholic model ought to look like, it’s important to remember that the mainstream Evangelical early marriage model is based on the availability of contraception. That is a very pertinent fact for Catholics to bear in mind when trying to figure out whether to imitate that model. A model that might (economically speaking) work very well for a young couple that is going to try to delay pregnancy for several years might create a disaster for a practicing Catholic couple the same age.

The ability to control child spacing and stop having babies when you want to stop having babies is the unspoken assumption of a lot of encouragement of early marriage among Protestants.

 

[pianistclare]

I suspect the reason for this is that the mainstream middle class norm is for marriage to immediately precede childbearing. As a rule, people get married when they want to have children, as mainstream middle class parenting requires two fully engaged parents.

So, there are a number of different models in play. Here are two of them:

1. mainstream late marriage (thanks to contraception) and immediate childbearing
2. mainstream Evangelical early marriage, with perhaps delayed childbearing (thanks to contraception).

When figuring out what the Catholic model ought to look like, it’s important to remember that the mainstream Evangelical early marriage model is based on the availability of contraception. That is a very pertinent fact for Catholics to bear in mind when trying to figure out whether to imitate that model. A model that might (economically speaking) work very well for a young couple that is going to try to delay pregnancy for several years might create a disaster for a practicing Catholic couple the same age.

The ability to control child spacing and stop having babies when you want to stop having babies is the unspoken assumption of a lot of encouragement of early marriage among Protestants.

Yes.

 

[Norseman82]

I’m beginning to see common themes both here and in this thread:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=993764

 

[Xantippe]

Come to think of it, I’m wondering if the existence of at least rudimentary contraception wasn’t a driver for early marriage in the 1950s/1960s–that being when the age of first marriage in the US bottomed out.

 

[iwillrisenow]

As a single person who has worked, traveled, studied, and had a host of experiences that I wouldn’t have had if I married young, when people see me they might assume that I made an active decision to postpone marriage to pursue those things. This is simply not true. I went to a secular undergrad (I converted in my late 20s) and, unlike my parents’ experience of spending time with a close knit group of friends around the same socio-economic level as themselves (they met when my mom was a freshman and dad a sophomore, btw…college sweethearts ), I spent time in an environment where a) the majority of folks were from a higher socio-economic level than myself and, thus, never considered me as a serious potential partner or even friend and b) were heavily into “experimenting” (e.g.- hook up culture, SSA, etc.). If a high school student asked me for advice, I would tell him or her to seriously consider the kind of company that they will be keeping in the future, especially the socio-economic level. I’m not saying never make friends with anyone who is more or less affluent than you; do that, but maintain realistic expectations about the boundaries of such friendship, the options you have versus the ones they have, etc… Being around your peers (and knowing what that really means) is vital to creating lasting friendships, maintaining reasonable expectations about life goals and options, and, yes, increasing the likelihood of meeting a potential spouse.

 

[Sarcelle]

As a single person who has worked, traveled, studied, and had a host of experiences that I wouldn’t have had if I married young, when people see me they might assume that I made an active decision to postpone marriage to pursue those things. This is simply not true. I went to a secular undergrad (I converted in my late 20s) and, unlike my parents’ experience of spending time with a close knit group of friends around the same socio-economic level as themselves (they met when my mom was a freshman and dad a sophomore, btw…college sweethearts ), I spent time in an environment where a) the majority of folks were from a higher socio-economic level than myself and, thus, never considered me as a serious potential partner or even friend and b) were heavily into “experimenting” (e.g.- hook up culture, SSA, etc.). If a high school student asked me for advice, I would tell him or her to seriously consider the kind of company that they will be keeping in the future, especially the socio-economic level. I’m not saying never make friends with anyone who is more or less affluent than you; do that, but maintain realistic expectations about the boundaries of such friendship, the options you have versus the ones they have, etc… Being around your peers (and knowing what that really means) is vital to creating lasting friendships, maintaining reasonable expectations about life goals and options, and, yes, increasing the likelihood of meeting a potential spouse.

When I was unemployed, I was advised that the best way of landing a job was to network.

I know it sounds utilitarian and very unromantic,but the same thing goes for finding a spouse. Increase your social network, put the word out there and pray a lot. The above advise would apply in how you choose to set-up your network. To find a fellow devout Catholic, the best way is to build up a social network of devout Catholics.

 

[pianistclare]

When I was unemployed, I was advised that the best way of landing a job was to network.

I know it sounds utilitarian and very unromantic,but the same thing goes for finding a spouse. Increase your social network, put the word out there and pray a lot. The above advise would apply in how you choose to set-up your network. To find a fellow devout Catholic, the best way is to build up a social network of devout Catholics.

Yes, and also not to approach it like you shop for a boat.
Make friends. Real friends. Whether you find a mate among those friends or from among THEIR circle of available singles…the creepy part is when people of either sex set out “to find a spouse, RIGHT NOW”.

Sometimes the best things happen while we’re busy doing something else. Like just being a great person, a helpful person. a friendly person.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

As a single person who has worked, traveled, studied, and had a host of experiences that I wouldn’t have had if I married young, when people see me they might assume that I made an active decision to postpone marriage to pursue those things. This is simply not true. I went to a secular undergrad (I converted in my late 20s) and, unlike my parents’ experience of spending time with a close knit group of friends around the same socio-economic level as themselves (they met when my mom was a freshman and dad a sophomore, btw…college sweethearts ), I spent time in an environment where a) the majority of folks were from a higher socio-economic level than myself and, thus, never considered me as a serious potential partner or even friend and b) were heavily into “experimenting” (e.g.- hook up culture, SSA, etc.). If a high school student asked me for advice, I would tell him or her to seriously consider the kind of company that they will be keeping in the future, especially the socio-economic level. I’m not saying never make friends with anyone who is more or less affluent than you; do that, but maintain realistic expectations about the boundaries of such friendship, the options you have versus the ones they have, etc… Being around your peers (and knowing what that really means) is vital to creating lasting friendships, maintaining reasonable expectations about life goals and options, and, yes, increasing the likelihood of meeting a potential spouse.

Are you a man or woman? I think the above problem would impact men more than women. I grew up remarkably poor in a remarkably poor community. When I went to college, I dated out of my socioeconomic class all the time. And eventually I married a man who grew up in a very wealthy family in a very wealthy neighborhood. It’s never been a problem for us.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, and also not to approach it like you shop for a boat.
Make friends. Real friends. Whether you find a mate among those friends or from among THEIR circle of available singles…the creepy part is when people of either sex set out “to find a spouse, RIGHT NOW”.

Sometimes the best things happen while we’re busy doing something else. Like just being a great person, a helpful person. a friendly person.

Yes.

As I often say, dating isn’t Build-a-Bear.

 

[iwillrisenow]

Make friends. Real friends. Whether you find a mate among those friends or from among THEIR circle of available singles…the creepy part is when people of either sex set out “to find a spouse, RIGHT NOW”.

Sometimes the best things happen while we’re busy doing something else. Like just being a great person, a helpful person. a friendly person.

Yup, this is exactly what I’m saying. Except it helps to be realistic about the kinds of people who are more likely to be interested in your friendship: other devout Catholics, people who have the same interests/hobbies as you, and, yes, for the most part, people from similar socio-economic backgrounds. I’m including ethnicity and culture in this as well…it’s not PC but apart from exceptions, generally the way things play out in practice. It’s not about exclusion as much as it is about positive connection. That being said, you can be the greatest, most helpful, and friendliest person in the universe; that doesn’t mean you’ll be any more or less likely to find a spouse. We all know married grumps and single saintly socialites.

Are you a man or woman? I think the above problem would impact men more than women. I grew up remarkably poor in a remarkably poor community. When I went to college, I dated out of my socioeconomic class all the time. And eventually I married a man who grew up in a very wealthy family in a very wealthy neighborhood. It’s never been a problem for us.

I’m a woman, but I understand the added pressure on men to achieve a certain level of career or financial success. For women, again, going with the real talk here but it will likely depend on how valuable you are considered in a social context. I’m guessing someone named “BlueEyedLady” falls into a certain category that is more palatable for life partnership to someone from a higher socio-economic background than others. I’m not saying this is universal- there will always be exceptions- or even a primary reason why people choose who they choose, but we cannot deny that it’s a factor in many cases.