The bigger person

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ela2

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Do you get drained/annoyed/tired of always trying to be the bigger person with annoying family members? If not how do you do it?
 
I consider relatives like that near-occasions of sin, and avoid them as much as possible.
 
No, because I don’t spend that much time with them.

I have a number of in-laws who are most tolerable in small doses, and that’s how much time we spend together.

There are so many nice, fun people that it’s hard to find enough time to get together with–why not spend more time with them?
 
Dacinom said:
Don’t think of yourself as the bigger person. It helps to think of yourself as the smaller person. Make yourself smaller as Christ made himself smaller. Empty yourself. Let go of ego. Pray for the other person who is annoying you. I have tried to pray for people WHILE they are annoying me. Knowing they are offending me, thinking of times that I have offended God. Trying to humble myself helps, instead of focusing on how offensive this person is, I try and focus on my own offensiveness. Hope this helps, it’s hard but it can help. God bless you.
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I agree wholeheartedly.

It also helps to keep in your mind that the love of Jesus is freely given to the worthy and unworthy alike.

Let pleasing Jesus be your motivation.
 
ela2 said:
Do you get drained/annoyed/tired of always trying to be the bigger person with annoying family members? If not how do you do it?
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Just keep praying for them & yourself. Let go & Let God.
 
People are only annoying/upsetting if you let them be. If you “try” to be the bigger person you will fail. In the words of Yoda “Do or do not, there is no try.”

Sure you may have a million other things you need to be doing, or you may have heard this same story from this same person several times and you really, really, really have to go to the bathroom while they are obliviously rattling on with some condescending remarks about you, your neighbor, your dog, or how they got cut off in traffic, or did so well with the bar scene, or yell at you for what may or may not be your fault - whatever - the bottom line is for some reason they have a need to say what they are saying and your reaction is the only thing you can control.

Whatever the circumstance, listen with compassion, act with patience, and respond with kindness (now if only I could do this all the time). Your behavior in response to theirs just might end up being the reason they get to heaven - because it is either going to show them a better way or validate their bad behavior, your choice.
 
Dealing with relatives can be a sacrifice. Offer up your suffering. Let Jesus handle it. It feels very good to just let it go. This will make it easier for you to be a good person around them, not get frustrated or angry (not that you get like that, but I do sometimes).
 
I think its good to confront bad behaviour in families because it does spoil family time when everyone is so competitive! I get fed up being ‘grilled’ to be analysed, having to justify not being competitive and enjoying being at home with kids and not that smart or well off!!.. end of rant…oh and being the youngest of six children Its a surprise if I actually so do well!! Rant def over now.
 
Being the more mature person is hardly ever easy but so admirable. What a gift to rise above it all and show charity to those that have probably not deserved it. You are to be praised.
 
I guess I was just used to it since I grew up with parents that acted like children themselves (and not in a fun sense). I’m sure I felt drained at times, but that’s all that I knew back then. If you can minimize your contact with such people I would recommend doing so. If not, just keep reminding yourself that age is not necessarily an indication of maturity.
 
ela2 said:
Do you get drained/annoyed/tired of always trying to be the bigger person with annoying family members? If not how do you do it?
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It could be helpful if you could give some examples of what you mean by ‘annoying’ I can remember my dad’s aunt could not eat without making the most annoying noises as if she was chocking on every bite of food. In cases like that I suggest praying for her.

I have been in situations where some kids would just start screaming out of the blue for attention and these are kids that are over 5 and should know better. I would suggest if it doesn’t stop to excuse yourself and if need be explain that you just can’t take the noise. Yes, the parents will never want to see you again but IMO that is why I would say it 😛

If they are violating a boundary then speak up and set the boundary.

Angie
 
frizzgrig said:
People are only annoying/upsetting if you let them be. If you “try” to be the bigger person you will fail. In the words of Yoda “Do or do not, there is no try.”

Sure you may have a million other things you need to be doing, or you may have heard this same story from this same person several times and you really, really, really have to go to the bathroom while they are obliviously rattling on with some condescending remarks about you, your neighbor, your dog, or how they got cut off in traffic, or did so well with the bar scene, or yell at you for what may or may not be your fault - whatever - the bottom line is for some reason they have a need to say what they are saying and your reaction is the only thing you can control.

Whatever the circumstance, listen with compassion, act with patience, and respond with kindness (now if only I could do this all the time). Your behavior in response to theirs just might end up being the reason they get to heaven - because it is either going to show them a better way or validate their bad behavior, your choice.
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There’s a big difference on the ‘annoyance scale’ between re-telling the same stories and making condescending remarks or yelling at a person. Condescending remarks and yelling at other adults is at least borderline abusive, not merely annoying.

In my situation, I had no intention whatsoever of getting down in the mud and fighting with the people in question. I fully intend to remain the bigger person, ie, the one who does not engage, does not call names, does not rage and yell. I also have no intention of simply being the dog they kick and continuing to smile politely and inquiring if I’ve hurt their toes with my ribs. I don’t believe that being a family member gives them the right to treat me in ways they wouldn’t treat the bank clerk or their neighbor. I don’t believe that being a family member obligates me to go back to be kicked around again.

My answer, which I have never regretted, has been to walk away from it. I pray for them daily. I wish them peace. But we are not going to have a ‘family peace’ that is slowly destroying me and making me suicidal. That’s not actually peace, when one person is suffering from abuse. And frankly, it’s not really helping them, either, as they’re learning they can spend their lives mistreating someone.

If we’re talking about annoying (telling the same story too often, stupid jokes, slurping soup), then the answer is different. Offer it up, develop patience, etc.
 
Anglewannabe said:
It could be helpful if you could give some examples of what you mean by ‘annoying’ I can remember my dad’s aunt could not eat without making the most annoying noises as if she was chocking on every bite of food. In cases like that I suggest praying for her.

I have been in situations where some kids would just start screaming out of the blue for attention and these are kids that are over 5 and should know better. I would suggest if it doesn’t stop to excuse yourself and if need be explain that you just can’t take the noise. Yes, the parents will never want to see you again but IMO that is why I would say it 😛

If they are violating a boundary then speak up and set the boundary.

Angie
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One example is what Sunbreak said:

*I guess I was just used to it since I grew up with parents that acted like children themselves (and not in a fun sense). I’m sure I felt drained at times, but that’s all that I knew back then. If you can minimize your contact with such people I would recommend doing so. If not, just keep reminding yourself that age is not necessarily an indication of maturity. *

The difference is that I am not used to it. I am not used to adults acting immature, especially lacking in emotional intelligence. There are family members in my life - in-laws - which are like this. They cannot have a normal converstaion. It has to become sarcastic, stupid, indirect, passive aggressive, smart alec answers, everything you name it. And all in 5 minutes. That is the amount of contact it has come down to. Politely telling them hasn’t worked, indirectly letting them know (eg. reduction in engagement) hasn’t worked. Nothing seems to work.

The problem is I am not getting used to it. It annoys me every tiime. Perhaps it is because I forget that they are like this, I don’t know. Perhaps I expect at least a bit of nice behaviour at least at importnat times, eg. a celebration, an illness, etc. I don’t know why I expect it, perhaps I need it at those important times, I don’t know why I am unable to drop all expectations.
 
There used to be a saying “we get the priests we ask for (or deserve)”. ie. If we dont set boundaries & limits & demand that some lines are not crossed, then we are complicit in the offensive/abusive behaviour. How one makes this stand is up to the individual & the situation. Sometimes nothing you do is going to improve their behaviour; sometimes if you assert yourself, hostilities will escalate- you have to work out whether the fight will have a good outcome & whether you have the energy for it. . If not, then sometimes the only option is withdrawal from those people. The reason people get abused in domestic circumstances, is because there is little way out of the situation & the abuser(s) know this.
 
The discernment is between irritating bad behaviour and emotional abuse…the latter you must withdraw from.
 
ela2 said:
The difference is that I am not used to it. I am not used to adults acting immature, especially lacking in emotional intelligence. There are family members in my life - in-laws - which are like this. They cannot have a normal converstaion. It has to become sarcastic, stupid, indirect, passive aggressive, smart alec answers, everything you name it. And all in 5 minutes. That is the amount of contact it has come down to. Politely telling them hasn’t worked, indirectly letting them know (eg. reduction in engagement) hasn’t worked. Nothing seems to work.
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Is the sarcasm their sense of humor, or is it being used to cut you down? Same with the smart alec answers–are they trying to be funny, or is it done condescendingly?
 
ela2 said:
The difference is that I am not used to it. I am not used to adults acting immature,
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Well…that requires a definition of immature. I know a lot of people have really wondered about me since I am the type of person who on my 30th birthday party had cartoon character party hats and napkins. Some people avoid my party because of it, some love my youthfulness. But I doubt that is what you are getting at.
ela2 said:
especially lacking in emotional intelligence. There are family members in my life - in-laws - which are like this. They cannot have a normal converstaion. It has to become sarcastic, stupid, indirect, passive aggressive, smart alec answers, everything you name it. And all in 5 minutes. That is the amount of contact it has come down to. Politely telling them hasn’t worked, indirectly letting them know (eg. reduction in engagement) hasn’t worked. Nothing seems to work…
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In my experience nothing will work because it is you as 1 person against everyone else. And a lot of people in these situations, silently agree with you but side with the others because they know it is a loosing battle and they don’t want to be the target and are relieved everyone is picking on you. Lots of people prefer to be in these bad situations than be alone.
ela2 said:
The problem is I am not getting used to it. It annoys me every tiime. Perhaps it is because I forget that they are like this, I don’t know. Perhaps I expect at least a bit of nice behaviour at least at importnat times, eg. a celebration, an illness, etc. I don’t know why I expect it, perhaps I need it at those important times, I don’t know why I am unable to drop all expectations.
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Good for you for not getting use to it ! It shows how strong you are. I was in a situation where I hung around with a bunch of ‘Catholics’. It was always smart alec cutting remarks. When I had a really problem they made fun of it and it hurt. I had to pull away because I could not accept their cruel remarks about me being unemployed.

And you aren’t suppose to expect nice behaviour only at ‘important’ events. Meeting for a casual coffee is just as important and nice behaviour should be expected then.

I have no practical answers for you. However, I hope I have reassured you that you deserve respect and are strong for wanting it

Angie
 
Dacinom said:
So you mentioned that these individuals in your life are your in-laws. By in-laws do you mean your spouse’s family? I am concerned how this may be impacting your marriage. Does your spouse regularly hear from you that their family of origin lacks “emotional intelligence?” It could be having an impact on your marriage too if your spouse wants to spend time with family and you cannot handle more than five minutes.

From your description it sounds like these family members are very annoying, however they do not sound abusive necessarily from the information you provided. It seems they may have a dynamic with each other that is an ingrained habit of teasing and joking and smart-alec behavior that you are not used to.

If this were simply one individual that you were having a problem with that would be one thing to try and work out. However you seem to be asking an entire family to change their behavior pattern, so it is no wonder that it has not worked. I am sorry you are going through this, but change is going to have to come from you (if you desire to spend time with them), but you already knew that. God bless your marriage.
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Yes, spouse’s family. It isn’t affecting our marriage, thank you for your concern, and neither does he hear from me that they lack in emotional intelligence. He thinks the same thing himself and feels the same way and doesn’t want to spend much time with them. In fact when his mother calls, we take turns answering the phone as neither of us can take it twice in a row.

You are right, they are not abusive, but just have bad habits and cannot speak nicely especially my husband’s mother. The sarcasm, etc. usually starts with her and soon everyone is speaking the same way. Alone the other family members speak and behave normally. I am not asking for a whole family or any one person to change, we tried all we could so that we can have a normal and a happy relationship but it didn’t work. We just pray for them. What I’m saying is that how can one not lose one’s composure with people who say thoughtless things? Who don’t think before they speak, who don’t care that their remarks hurt, etc. how do you do it?
 
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