The case against big public surprise proposals

[Xantippe]

Here’s an advice column where the advice seeker in a rocky relationship has just accidentally found what is probably an engagement ring, she suspects a surprise Christmas proposal, and she realizes she does not want to marry her boyfriend.

captainawkward.com/2015/12/17/811-jewelry-ambush/#more-9524

There’s some very interesting discussion in the comments with a lot of anecdotes suggesting that big public surprise proposals are a bad idea.

 

[pensmama87]

Uh-oh.

I had one other serious relationship before DH. He didn’t propose, but he decided to surprise me (after we’d been on the outs for several months but I kept dancing around breaking up) by informing me he’d collaborated with my parents to come stay with me at their home (across the country) for Christmas.

Actually, now that I think about it, he may very well have been planning on proposing during that trip. (We’d been dating two years).

Anyway, we ended up breaking up, but he came anyway, it was the most awkward thing ever, then we told everyone we’d broken up afterwards. (I should have just offered to pay him the airfare since he couldn’t get it refunded, but I was young and stupid and really bad about being pushy when I needed to be).

Big surprises to try and save relationships are huge huge no-nos.

I think a big surprise proposal could work if the relationship is solid and if it’s just the “how” that’s surprising, not the fact that a proposal is coming. And, of course, if she likes surprises and being surprised in public.

 

[Kelfa28]

Big surprises to try and save relationships are huge huge no-nos.

Crazy, huge no-no.

If I was unsure of a relationship and my boyfriend put me on the spot with a surprise engagement. I’d be really angry. Speechless too, but not in a good way.

I think a big surprise proposal could work if the relationship is solid and if it’s just the “how” that’s surprising, not the fact that a proposal is coming. And, of course, if she likes surprises and being surprised in public.

Wedding proposals should be between a couple that knows exactly what is going on. They are on the same page, they have discussed marriage and it’s not just a possibility but a reality.

I think a big surprise could absolutely work. Every couple is different and some could easily love and appreciate a huge, public proposal…like a NHL game with the proposal being broadcast on air for the world to see.

But that surprise has an asterisk attached to it…both of them are on board with this. The proposal itself isn’t a surprise but when and how is the surprise.

My husband surprised me big time. We knew we were getting married and he had my ring size and had asked me what kind of rings I liked.
Clearly…I knew we were getting engaged really soon.

He told me he would probably have to wait a few months until the funds came in from his Bonus.
I was disappointed but understood.

He ended up going to a Jewelry store and getting a line of credit instead and bought a ring for me.
We went on vacation together and he totally surprised me with the ring.

The difference was I would have said yes…regardless of how he asked.

He could have bought me a ring pop and proposed in a Wal-Mart parking lot and I still would have said yes.

 

[Gertabelle]

One need only do a quick search on YouTube of “marriage proposal rejection” to find ample evidence that public proposals are a dangerous business :sad_yes:

 

[agapewolf]

One need only do a quick search on YouTube of “marriage proposal rejection” to find ample evidence that public proposals are a dangerous business :sad_yes:

A lot of those are staged.

But anyway, an engagement shouldn’t be a surprise. A proposal can be big, small, public or private, but the engagement itself should be discerned well.

2 different things.

 

[pianistclare]

I tend to think of these “surprise” bashes as insurance of sorts.
Like…“I know she’s maybe not completely on board, but this will force her hand”.

I’ve never really understood why a person would want to make such an intimate private thing an opportunity for public show.

 

[styrgwillidar]

…and for any young man contemplating proposing, be it in public or private. Have a ring!!!

Do not do the we’ll get one later. Have one when you ask, doesn’t have to be fancy, and pick a jeweler who’ll let you come back with her and change it for one she likes better. But have the ring when you ask. Because the first thing friends/family will ask when she tells them you’re engaged is - let me see the ring!!

 

[Sarcelle]

I tend to think of these “surprise” bashes as insurance of sorts.
Like…“I know she’s maybe not completely on board, but this will force her hand”.

I’ve never really understood why a person would want to make such an intimate private thing an opportunity for public show.

I am as confused as you are.

Not to mention putting someone on the spot during these very public proposals.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I tend to think of these “surprise” bashes as insurance of sorts.
Like…“I know she’s maybe not completely on board, but this will force her hand”.

I’ve never really understood why a person would want to make such an intimate private thing an opportunity for public show.

Yep. I asked when camping in a very remote area because I did want it to be a very private moment only we would share. But different strokes for different folks, some like to share what they assume will be a joyful moment with the other important folks in their lives.

 

[coachdennis]

I tend to think of these “surprise” bashes as insurance of sorts.
Like…“I know she’s maybe not completely on board, but this will force her hand”.

I’ve never really understood why a person would want to make such an intimate private thing an opportunity for public show.

If someone has no problem in putting you in a spot and coercing you into something, this is a person to run far away from … FAST!!!

In my opinion you’re only two steps away from being the subject of a “Dateline” episode

Don’t watch alone!

 

[pianistclare]

If someone has no problem in putting you in a spot and coercing you into something, this is a person to run far away from … FAST!!!

In my opinion you’re only two steps away from being the subject of a “Dateline” episode

Don’t watch alone!

I can just hear that creepy journalist Keith Morrison saying

“she thought she was engaged…but WAS SHE???”

bwahahaha

 

[bitterhope]

…and for any young man contemplating proposing, be it in public or private. Have a ring!!!

Do not do the we’ll get one later. Have one when you ask, doesn’t have to be fancy, and pick a jeweler who’ll let you come back with her and change it for one she likes better. But have the ring when you ask. Because the first thing friends/family will ask when she tells them you’re engaged is - let me see the ring!!

I don’t see the ring as important at all honestly. My husband and I never bought an engagement ring and we didn’t have wedding rings until our 5th anniversary. We had the priest bless them then. Neither of us even wear our rings. His is for job safety (a ring can rip a finger off if caught on machinery) and mine because it gets in the way all day long with washing hands and child care. I have to keep taking it off and worried I would lose it so I stopped wearing it. We keep them together in a box on our dresser. To me, spending the crazy amount of money on rings and receptions takes away from the sacrament. Many couples feel they need to put off getting married until they have the perfect ring and money for a huge party and honeymoon afterward and they continue living together or at least sleeping together instead. I can’t imagine somebody asking to exchange a ring for something they like better. That sounds so rude to me. And I’ve never heard anyone ask to see somebody’s ring except on movies. That also sounds rude to me. Marriage is so important, but to many people it’s just putting on a show and making things appear perfect, whether or not they are actually functional. Surprise, extravagant proposals and all the focus on the party, rings, dresses, tuxes, etc has taken God out of marriage.

 

[agapewolf]

If someone has no problem in putting you in a spot and coercing you into something, this is a person to run far away from … FAST!!!

In my opinion you’re only two steps away from being the subject of a “Dateline” episode

Don’t watch alone!

This is assuming that she is being put on the spot. As I said earlier. Engagement shouldn’t be a surprise, but a proposal can be.

Engagement should be discerned throughout dating. When 2 people decide to get married, they are engaged. A proposal-- whether private or public, is a lovely romantic thing. If things have been discerned well, the public proposal in no way puts a woman on the spot.

 

[Trident_H]

Crazy, huge no-no.

If I was unsure of a relationship and my boyfriend put me on the spot with a surprise engagement. I’d be really angry. Speechless too, but not in a good way.

Yeah. And I mean what would your husband say?

Sorry. Couldn’t resist.

Peace Kelfa.

-Trident

 

[agapewolf]

I don’t see the ring as important at all honestly. My husband and I never bought an engagement ring and we didn’t have wedding rings until our 5th anniversary. We had the priest bless them then. Neither of us even wear our rings. His is for job safety (a ring can rip a finger off if caught on machinery) and mine because it gets in the way all day long with washing hands and child care. I have to keep taking it off and worried I would lose it so I stopped wearing it. We keep them together in a box on our dresser. To me, spending the crazy amount of money on rings and receptions takes away from the sacrament. Many couples feel they need to put off getting married until they have the perfect ring and money for a huge party and honeymoon afterward and they continue living together or at least sleeping together instead. I can’t imagine somebody asking to exchange a ring for something they like better. That sounds so rude to me. And I’ve never heard anyone ask to see somebody’s ring except on movies. That also sounds rude to me. Marriage is so important, but to many people it’s just putting on a show and making things appear perfect, whether or not they are actually functional. Surprise, extravagant proposals and all the focus on the party, rings, dresses, tuxes, etc has taken God out of marriage.

It could, but doesn’t have to. And doesn’t directly.

Lots of people asked to see my ring after I got engaged. Wasn’t rude at all.

 

[Trident_H]

I tend to think of these “surprise” bashes as insurance of sorts.
Like…“I know she’s maybe not completely on board, but this will force her hand”.

I’ve never really understood why a person would want to make such an intimate private thing an opportunity for public show.

I think there’s a bit of an idea in a guy’s head that his girl wants it to be a memorable thing. And that he gets points for being creative. Because no guy’s gonna risk putting his heart on the line for a maybe. Especially not in public like that. I mean usually a guy’s pretty positive his girl will bite. That’s why he’s so surprised if she doesn’t. I mean he was so sure.

 

[coachdennis]

This is assuming that she is being put on the spot. As I said earlier. Engagement shouldn’t be a surprise, but a proposal can be.

Engagement should be discerned throughout dating. When 2 people decide to get married, they are engaged. A proposal-- whether private or public, is a lovely romantic thing. If things have been discerned well, the public proposal in no way puts a woman on the spot.

The responses are commenting on the OP reading an article where a woman fears her boyfriend is planning a public proposal and she is unsure about marrying him. Sounds like being put in an awkward position or on the spot to me!

Even the thread title talks about proposal not the engagement. I think we’re all well versed in vocabulary to tell the difference but thanks for setting us all straight.

 

[agapewolf]

The responses are commenting on the OP reading an article where a woman fears her boyfriend is planning a public proposal and she is unsure about marrying him. Sounds like being put in an awkward position or on the spot to me!

Even the thread title talks about proposal not the engagement. I think we’re all well versed in vocabulary to tell the difference but thanks for setting us all straight.

wow… pretty snarky there. Some were not making the distinction between the two, so no, not everyone is “Well versed”.

I’m aware of the article, I was responding to the generalizations made in the thread.

 

[Evania]

A lot of those are staged.

But anyway, an engagement shouldn’t be a surprise. A proposal can be big, small, public or private, but the engagement itself should be discerned well.

2 different things.

I totally agree!

 

[Xantippe]

…and for any young man contemplating proposing, be it in public or private. Have a ring!!!

Do not do the we’ll get one later. Have one when you ask, doesn’t have to be fancy, and pick a jeweler who’ll let you come back with her and change it for one she likes better. But have the ring when you ask. Because the first thing friends/family will ask when she tells them you’re engaged is - let me see the ring!!

It is possible to get away without one (I never had an engagement ring) but it’s very important for people that it’s very important for.

So, know your sweetie!