The downside to adoption

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davia

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Someone on the social justice board mentioned that they do not believe there is a downside to adoption, and it got me thinking. I actually believe there sometimes is.

I feel that there is often times a great sadness and suffering that the birth parents must feel and carry with them through their lives. I think a lot of birth parents desperately want their children but can’t take care of them for whatever reason.

Also, when children or adults find out they are adopted I think it sometimes causes hurt and anger and a longing to find out “who they really are”. Which in turn also hurts the adoptive parents.

I also believe a large downside, while not that common, is in instances such as wanting the child back and custody battles, and the sometimes sneaky tricks individuals play to keep children with them or to get them back.

There are several examples. Last summer or fall, there was a woman who was extremely sick after having twins, and I believe she had heart problems and was bedridden in a hospital. She talked to a social worker and voluntarily put her kids into foster care temporarily while she fought for her life and to get better for her kids. Little did she know the social worker had her sign papers giving the children up for adoption, and she did not know this until she tried to get them back after she got better. The couple that IMO stole these children from an unsuspecting mother (the birth mother had told them several times this was temporary and she did not know they were having her sign adoption papers). The couple was wealthy and fought to keep custody (the birth mother was by no means rich especially after a lengthy hospital stay) and in desperation during a court mandated visit, she fled with the twins to Canada where she later was caught and is now facing federal kidnapping charges. This example infuriates me.

Also we have the case of little Jessica who was adopted and three years later, the birth mother fought for custody and was granted it. That child suffered the most in that case, as well as her adoptive parents. the technicality there was that the birth father had not renounced his rights and decided years later he wanted Jessica back (after he married Jessica’s mom).

Now, I don’t agree with returning Jessica because so much time lapsed before the father even asked for her return - it was cruel to that to her. But, I think it is so sad on the other hand for fathers who immediately fight for their children who were put up for adoption by their mothers. I read of a case where a man found out a couple of weeks after the birth of his child that he even had a chid and filed papers for custody. That adoptive family had that child for 2 week and also were wealthy. They kept this case in the courts for 8 years I believe and this poor father suffered so badly because of this. No court is going to tear a child that old from the only family he’s known even if they did keep him IMO wrongly. My heart goes out to men in that situation.

I am just saying there is also a downside I believe. Overall adoption is a very good thing, but there is always that few that go through so much suffering and sadness (on both sides). I think when a person is contemplating adoption, they need to consider all things and that one of the most important points is that the father should also be a part of this decesion and people should not be able to take advantage of the system as they have in the above examples.
 
Of COURSE there are downsides to adoption. God established parenthood to be a permanent, lifelong vocation. Adoption, is a miraculous fall-back position.

While not perfect, it sure beats today’s primary alternative! 😦
 
You can’t hold up two examples and expect them to be considered the norm. My husband and I are in the middle of the adoption process and there are so many rules, regulations, court dates, etc, involved with adopting through the foster care system it seems to me it would be very, very difficult for something like you described to happen. In MO, every effort must be made to find a kinship placement, be it biological dad or other relative.

From my reading, there are issues that adoptive families must be prepared to deal with that families who give birth do not. But, there’s no reason why those issues should lead to a lifetime of misery for the child. There are issues of loss and grief for all parties involved, birth parents, children, and adoptive parents. Understanding them makes them manageable. You’re absolutely correct, adoptive families need to go into this with their eyes open, but in this information age, there’s no excuse for them not to.

There will always be horror stories about anything. Just because a few people have had a bad experience doesn’t mean that adoption isn’t a wonderful thing. In the end, it’s all about the children, and where should a child who is orphaned, abused, or neglected go? Of course, the ideal is to have a two parent loving family, where kids stay with their biological parents. But, since that isn’t always possible, adoption is an excellent alternative.
 
There was a downside when God created Adam and Eve but He felt the love to continue with humanity. Focus on the upside. My wife is adopted and she wouldn’t change it for the world and I thank God everyday for her beautiful mother and I always pray for her birth mother, wherever she may be.

I’m sure that there are those who find an upside to abortion. Should we go there???..teachccd :eek:
 
aurora77 said:
You can’t hold up two examples and expect them to be considered the norm. My husband and I are in the middle of the adoption process and there are so many rules, regulations, court dates, etc, involved with adopting through the foster care system it seems to me it would be very, very difficult for something like you described to happen. In MO, every effort must be made to find a kinship placement, be it biological dad or other relative.

From my reading, there are issues that adoptive families must be prepared to deal with that families who give birth do not. But, there’s no reason why those issues should lead to a lifetime of misery for the child. There are issues of loss and grief for all parties involved, birth parents, children, and adoptive parents. Understanding them makes them manageable. You’re absolutely correct, adoptive families need to go into this with their eyes open, but in this information age, there’s no excuse for them not to.

There will always be horror stories about anything. Just because a few people have had a bad experience doesn’t mean that adoption isn’t a wonderful thing. In the end, it’s all about the children, and where should a child who is orphaned, abused, or neglected go? Of course, the ideal is to have a two parent loving family, where kids stay with their biological parents. But, since that isn’t always possible, adoption is an excellent alternative.
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God Bless You…👍 👍 👍
 
The downside to adoption is simple.

Too many babies are being raised by the birth mother without the father being around.

Or, to put it differently,

Not enough kids are being put up for adoption.

I find it amazing that this pro-life church isn’t hollering for adoption as loudly as it hollers for abortion being wrong. I guess it is ok to be pro-life, you don’t have to consider what kind of life.
 
larry85704 said:
I find it amazing that this pro-life church isn’t hollering for adoption as loudly as it hollers for abortion being wrong. I guess it is ok to be pro-life, you don’t have to consider what kind of life.
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Maybe I’m just feeding the troll, but that’s nonsense and you know it. Catholics, as well as other Christian organizations heavily promote adoption.

TeachCCD–thanks. We need all the prayers we can get as we get closer to a placement.
 
When we started the adoption process 4 years ago, we were given a book to read from the Catholic Charities adoption agency. There was a sentence in the book that stuck in my head. It said, “Adoption is always a tragedy.”

It has taken me the entire 4 years of more infertility struggles, 5 surgeries and a failed foster care adoption (praise God, Foster baby’s parents got clean after 10+ years of addiction) to see what little wisdom I can take from this statement, to see what “tragedy” could exist in an institution that I am on which I am basing my parenting hopes. I know about the tragedy because I held our darling foster baby in my arms and in my heart for 7 months before tucking her into her carseat and handing her to her birth parents. I cannot believe that a birthmother could not feel the same about a child that grew in her womb.

Because of Original Sin, in every light there is some darkness. Adoption is a loving and caring decision that one or two parents make for the welfare of their child. That doesn’t mean that all three don’t lose something in the process. Thankfully, there is a lot of counseling available before and after a woman and man make an adoption plan. There is a downside to adoption, but despite my inherent bias, I still feel confident in saying that the loss is usually for the greater good.
 
Adoption IS a tragedy. It is seldom anyone’s first choice. Most women would prefer to carry a child and birth it. Most children would rather grow up being raised by those he is related to. And mother mothers want to raise the children they bear.

The down sides are very real. There is pain in adoption. Pain for all the losses.

There is a huge downside that adoption has been turned upside down from being a way to find homes for chidlren who need loving fmailies…to a money-making business that fills a demand for people who want babies (and they are priced by skin color, age, and health).

We must be cautious and mindful before promoting adoption to separate the adoption of really needy children from coercive and exploitive baby selling.

And…when we see two options pitted against one for another: adoption and abortion, we need to remind all who think that way of the most humane and loving option: supporting families in need to get their lives together and care for one another…helping struggling families get the resources they need.

When parents cannot care for their chidlren, extended family should always be sought. Only when all those resources have been exhausetd should stranger adoption be considered…and then, it MUST be open and not terminate the child’s contact with his family of origins. To do otherwise is not in the best interest of the child, it is simply cruel and unnecessary.
 
Of course there’s a downside. I can’t understand people who minimize or deny that, especially with all the research that has been done on neonatal brain research over the past 30 years. Infants are not born blank slates. They have spent 40 weeks bonding with their mother, and are born needing her. An infant doesn’t even begin to view himself or herself as a separate entity from the mother until months after the birth. To celebrate this disruption is cruel. Mothers are not interchangeable.

Adoption is always a tragedy.
 
IMO, adoption is a win, win, win situation. The child wins because he/she gets the best shot at life possible with a stable family ready to raise a child. The biological parents win because they can get their life on track. The adoptive parents win because they get to be parents. Adoption is not abandoment. It’s a selfless decision. I know I would much rather be put up for adoption than raised in an unstable environment by those who just weren’t ready for me. No amount of “support” can make a 15 year old ready for parenthood. A child deserves better than being raised in such a state of struggle.
 
ArdenB said:
IMO, adoption is a win, win, win situation. The child wins because he/she gets the best shot at life possible with a stable family ready to raise a child. The biological parents win because they can get their life on track. The adoptive parents win because they get to be parents. Adoption is not abandoment. It’s a selfless decision. I know I would much rather be put up for adoption than raised in an unstable environment by those who just weren’t ready for me. No amount of “support” can make a 15 year old ready for parenthood. A child deserves better than being raised in such a state of struggle.
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In many ways I agree, Arden. I think that adoption is the best option for many women and their children. I can think of numerous children who are in loving homes and who are thriving through a woman’s selfless decision to make an adoption plan.

I have a nephew who is the light of his parent’s eyes, who is thriving at school, in sports and socially, who is adopted. Due to issues of privacy, I should not go into details about his mother’s situation but it was better for both of them that she made an adoption plan. He has contact with his birthgrandma and birthsister and my sister sends regular updates to his whole family on his progress. At Christmas this year, his birthgrandma called my sister to tell her that she was so happy that her daughter had chosen my sister and her husband to raise Andrew and that she knew he was in the right place. Andrew has several good things as a result of his mother’s adoption plan. He has a father. He has a home. He has access to good Catholic schools and higher education should he choose it. He has stability. His mother has had the opportunity to get herself well and to become independent at last.

Although I know this was the best thing for all parties involved, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t some pain involved. No mother could look at her infant and not feel loss when giving him to someone else to love and raise.

Here’s another quick story. Friends of ours recently adopted. The birthmom of their daughter had gone to get an abortion, and was turned away because she was too far along. (she didn’t realize she was pregnant until she was almost 7 months). She and her boyfriend opted for adoption. My friends now have a beautiful daughter and the birthmom can carry on with her life. IMO this is a good example that there are some moms for whom raising the child is not the best answer.
 
ArdenB said:
IMO, adoption is a win, win, win situation. The child wins because he/she gets the best shot at life possible with a stable family ready to raise a child. The biological parents win because they can get their life on track. The adoptive parents win because they get to be parents. Adoption is not abandoment. It’s a selfless decision. I know I would much rather be put up for adoption than raised in an unstable environment by those who just weren’t ready for me. No amount of “support” can make a 15 year old ready for parenthood. A child deserves better than being raised in such a state of struggle.
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AMEN!!! Praise God! 👍 :clapping:
 
the downsides to adoption spring from the same root cause as its alternative–abortion, that being that because abortion and artificial birth control have become legal, the result predicted by successive popes who warned of them in strongest terms have been proven prophetic. Children are now regarded as a commodity, not as human persons possessing the full dignity and rights endowed by their creator.
 
What do you compare the downside for the child to? Not being alive because the mother instead had an abortion? Would the child rather never had existed? Well actually, doctors can be sued by the mother or even the child in some states if they failed to inform the mother that she could have had an abortion. It’s called wrongful birth or wrongful life. So I guess maybe some people would prefer the alternative.
 
It’s always hard when a mother isn’t in a good situation to raise a child.
Open adoption is good, but hard to set up and hard to make sure it’s really working out for everyone.
I was raised in a single-parent, usually poor, very unstable and always changing, moving, recombining household. Though my mother loved me, wanted me and read to me all the time, I daydreamed constantly that someone middle-class and kind and emotionally mature would come and just take me.
I have no idea whether that would have been better. But many parents I know have been glad to know their children are being cared for, and many adoptive parents I know are glad to have the kids they have adopted. I know several very happy adopted people.
 
Adoptee said:
Of course there’s a downside. I can’t understand people who minimize or deny that, especially with all the research that has been done on neonatal brain research over the past 30 years. Infants are not born blank slates. They have spent 40 weeks bonding with their mother, and are born needing her. An infant doesn’t even begin to view himself or herself as a separate entity from the mother until months after the birth. To celebrate this disruption is cruel. Mothers are not interchangeable.

Adoption is always a tragedy.
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Endorsing Adoption over abortion=celebrating the disruption of the mother-infant bond? :confused:

Do I misunderstand?
 
As an adopted person myself I get very angry at people who make judgements about what they consider adoption to be and how adoption makes people feel. I can hear people saying ‘adoption is always a tragedy!’ I have heard it said at abortion debetes that ‘it is better for the child not to be born’. I have news!! Adoption is not a tragedy for the child. It is not a tragedy for the adoptive parents. It is no more a tragedy than abortion would be for the bio-parents. I have heard it said ‘the child will grow up feeling unwanted - it’s mother gave it away’. Newsflash!! I was doubly wanted. Maybe even more. My Bio-mum cared enough not to abort me. My adoptive parents CHOSE to adopt me. IN fact, there was a list of people wanting me. I have no feeling of rejection and I can honestly say I never have. If adoptive parents deal with their adopted children and are honest with them from the outset, there is no reason for that child to ever feel that they have been rejected.
I remember when I was tiny getting my favourite bedtime story about the day my mum and dad got a phonecall from the hospital and they went to the hospital and chose the very best little girl in the ward. I loved that story and asked for it all the time. My parents told me that when I wanted to I could seek out my bio-parents and they would support me all the way. I never have although, every now and then, my mum and I speculate as to what she is like. We actually enjoy talking about the possibilities. So, until you know what you are talking about, don’t make blanket statements.
 
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