Closed adoptions are less than 5% of adoptions.
Not when you adopt a foreign child.
I am an adopted child now 36 with a family of my own…mine was a closed adoption. I have a little bit of info on my birth mom but not much, and I am perfectly ok with that.Only when all those resources have been exhausetd should stranger adoption be considered…and then, it MUST be open and not terminate the child’s contact with his family of origins. To do otherwise is not in the best interest of the child, it is simply cruel and unnecessary.
ArdenB;3360841:
That stat only applies to domestic infant adoption.Closed adoptions are less than 5% of adoptions.
Not when you adopt a foreign child.
Amen! That statement that adoption is a tragedy is insensitive garbage IMHO.. I have news!! Adoption is not a tragedy for the child.
Dan-Man916;3360847:
yes, I know. There is a reason why many families decide to adopt internationally rather than deal with the adoption laws here in America. They may be well-intentioned, but they are sorely mis-guided in many ways as well.That stat only applies to domestic infant adoption.
In their zeal to keep families intact, (which is a good thing), they undermine adoptive families, emotionally and financially which is a huge dis-service to children who would otherwise go to loving and stable homes.
I’m so sorry that I quoted that book and talked about it. I am so very very embarrassed and truly sorry for causing anyone bad feelings.Amen! That statement that adoption is a tragedy is insensitive garbage IMHO.
Just what message are we sending adopted persons when we state this? Those kind of statements can be interpreted to the person as, I am a tragedy, I needed to be saved.
There is nothing more insulting to the human dignity than to speak of what a tragedy a person’s birthing circumstances might have been.
When we make statements such as these, there needs to be some sensitivity as to how some people in the adopted community may internalize it.
So, what do you think is a better solution? Can you answer that?Arden - I cannot help wonder if you read ANYTHING here…or elsewhere about adoption, ever?
You are parroting cliches that are foisted upon the public by those who profit from the redistribution of chidlren. I urge you to read those who have LIVED the adoption experience. It is most definitely NOT a win for a mother who loses her child forever, or for those who must grow up never knowing why they were given up and are left to feel abandoned and rejected despite any amount of love from adopters. It is a LOSS not a win!
No matter the reasons the mother is made to feel she is doing the right thing - she is left feeling that she did not try hard enough. She is left with a LIFETIME of guilt, grief and shame.
And the child grown up to FEEL abndoned, not mater what the reasons.
Please do not assume to “know” how would feel until you have lived this life. It is very easy to say that from the outside looking in. It is not confirmed by those who live the adoption experience personally.
You are invalidating our honest feelings that we are expressing, and that have been expressed in a myriad of books and studies and now on thousands of online blogs, lists, discussion groups and forums by those who live with these very deeply painful feelings.
The one thing you are right about is that it is a win for those who want to be parents and have no other option. But adoption is not supposed to be about filling empty arms. It is supposed to be about the best interest of the child. What would Jesus do if a mother was struggling financially – take away her baby? Give it someone else? Someone older, more “deserving”? or would He help her regardless of her finances, age or marital status?
Yes, there are families - as “adoptee” mentions - that are irreparable. those children wind up in foster care - generally unwanted. There are half a million children in foster care in the US. Of those, more than 100,000 COULD be adopted. And yet adopters continue to seek newborns domestically or internationally rather than give the love and care to chidlren who so desperately need it.
We need to be clear and not lump all adoption together. INFANT adoption is a BUSINESS - big business - $6.3 billion worldwide.
We also need to understand that NONE of it is a win-win. Even for a child who is adopted from foster care, because of what he has been through before being adopted. That is not a winning situation for that child.
As I said I am an adopted child, my sister (not biological) was also. Neither one of us ever felt abandoned. And honestly I could give a flip why my bio-mom gave me up. I know who I am and I am not defined by my genes. This will probably flip you out, while my sister knew she was adopted (she’s 9 years my senior) I did not, not until I was 18 years old.I urge you to read those who have LIVED the adoption experience. It is most definitely NOT a win for a mother who loses her child forever, or for those who must grow up never knowing why they were given up and are left to feel abandoned and rejected despite any amount of love from adopters. It is a LOSS not a win!
And the child grown up to FEEL abndoned, not mater what the reasons.
Please do not assume to “know” how would feel until you have lived this life. It is very easy to say that from the outside looking in. It is not confirmed by those who live the adoption experience personally.
Nice psycho babble, I’m not buying. Don’t patronize me, I know full well I am an adult. I am not made to feel anything -stop trying to fit me into mold of what an adult who was adopted as child (is that better?) is supposed to feel.Raynee89,
As you speak of your wedding, I assume you are not a minor, yet you start out by identifying yourself as an adopted “child.”
You are an adult, who was adopted as a child.
The language of adoption - like the laws - keep those adopted infanticized. Many of those adopted are also made to feel “grateful” and “disloyal” for even thinking about their family of origins. It is sad that doing a geneological search is seen as different for adoptees than non-adoptees. But then adoptees are treated "differently’ in many regards.
“There is a reason why many families decide to adopt internationally rather than deal with the adoption laws here in America. They may be well-intentioned, but they are sorely mis-guided in many ways as well.”
The reasons people give for choosing international adoptions are:
1- it’s quicker and cheaper
2- don’t have o fear a mother knocking at your door
3- they believe they are “rescuing” an orphan
Adoption “laws” in the US are far too lax! Manicurists are better regulated that adoption facilitators (L. Anne Babb, Ethics in American Adoption)
“That statement that adoption is a tragedy is insensitive garbage IMHO.”
And to deny that is a tragedy for many is likewise extremely insensitive.
The laws that do exist in this country today treat those adopted s lesser than those who are not adopted. They re not allowed to know the truth of their origins. It is hidden from them in the vast majority of states. In a few states they are “allowed” to know after jumping through many hoops that non-adoptees do not need to. When an adoption takes place the original birth records is “sealed” and new, falsified one is issued listing the adopters as the parents to whom the child was born! The date and place of birth – and even the race – are often changed. How is this a win-win? For whom? To whose advantage is this?This is to my advantage as an adopted person. It protects me from unwanted contact with my bio-parents and allows me to decide when I am ready to seek information about my birth. Many people do not find out they are adopted until they are adults and give doctors false medical history. In who’s best interest is this? Finding out as an adult is far from ideal however, this may be at a stage where emotions and understanding are mature enough to deal with this. I agree though, that being told as a little one is best. The person being adopted???
Secrets, lies and decit are not the basis of good, healthy family relations, nor are they consistent with moral, ethical behavior. It is better not to think of it as secrets and lies but to think of it as revealing the truth as and when a person has the maturity to understand and accept. Alternatively, telling the story in an age appropriate way is a far better road to go down then there are no lies. As for the written records, I still have only an abreviated certificate but I can, at any time, choose to access mine. You might consider it jumping through hoops. I consider it my protection against what might be unwanted contact from soneone I don’t even know.
Chovy - i for one am glad you quoted that book as it has highlighted a very common misconception and has allowed many of us adopted people to comment on it’s accuracy. It is important that people know that there are positive stories. It is important for prospective adoptive parents to see the positives as well.I’m so sorry that I quoted that book and talked about it. I am so very very embarrassed and truly sorry for causing anyone bad feelings.
Rayne, I think you have said everything I think. You word things really well. Of course my parents are my parents. My bio - parents are just people I am distantly related to and I am glad they thought enough of me to give me life but that is all they are. They never brought me up. They really have little or no bearing on me.Nice psycho babble, I’m not buying. Don’t patronize me, I know full well I am an adult. I am not made to feel anything -stop trying to fit me into mold of what an adult who was adopted as child (is that better?) is supposed to feel.
I have no interest in geneological research. My parents -the ones that raised me-are German and Italian. That is the culture I grew up in, when people ask about my heritage I say German and Italian. That is my heritage.
I love my parents as my parents. No one on this earth gets to replace that because I happen to share genes with them. No one else gets to be my dad except the one that raised me, and no one else gets to be my mother except the one that raised me -period. Because that is how** I feel.** Not because someone makes me feel that way.
Did you have nasty adoptive parents or something? Did they make you feel second class? You keep trying to project all these issues that don’t apply to my life.
I hardly think about being adopted. In fact I sometimes forget in conversation. When my daughter was little and she was a ball of energy and a big night owl-I said to my uncle she must have got it from my mom because she didn’t get from me or my husband, forgetting that my mom and I are not biologically related.
I don’t feel different, or infanticized or any other nonsense. So stop putting you issues on to me.
Why shouldn’t women keep their own children. If I were in their shoes, I wouldn’t trust a stranger. Many adoptive parents fall short as well.The downside to adoption is simple.
Too many babies are being raised by the birth mother without the father being around.
Or, to put it differently,
Not enough kids are being put up for adoption.
I find it amazing that this pro-life church isn’t hollering for adoption as loudly as it hollers for abortion being wrong. I guess it is ok to be pro-life, you don’t have to consider what kind of life.
What are your sources for this?The reasons people give for choosing international adoptions are:
1- it’s quicker and cheaper
2- don’t have o fear a mother knocking at your door
3- they believe they are “rescuing” an orphan
costs can easily be in excess of 25,000 dollars depending upon where in the world one is going. Costs for adoption in Russia and the Ukraine are even higher. Guatamala is a little less because of the time spent there for placement.Real
I would like to know; what are your qualifications?Raynee89,
The language of adoption - like the laws - keep those adopted infanticized. Many of those adopted are also made to feel “grateful” and “disloyal” for even thinking about their family of origins. It is sad that doing a geneological search is seen as different for adoptees than non-adoptees. But then adoptees are treated "differently’ in many regards.