The downside to adoption

[GFarmer]

I was adopted 47 years ago. This past weekend I had a conversation with my youngest who is 11 about that. She was interested in why my mother gave me up for adoption when she know her best friends older sister has 3 kids at 22 years old and is not married. Talk about a delicate subject for a father daughter talk at 11!

I am one of 7 children 3 adopted & 4 natural in my family. I was fortunate to be adopted by loving parents. I have not searched for my birth parents even though my adoptive Mom has somewhat encouraged me to. I may yet, but feel that my family is my family. I am the only child in close proximity to my parents and we are quite close. The reason that I would search for my birth parents would be so that they would know that I am alive, doing well and have a wife and 3 children that I am very proud of, and that my adoptive parents were good parents for me. I feel that it might be important for the birth mother and/or father to put closure to an series of events that may still haunt their thoughts. I am interested in anyone who has given up a child response to this thought.

About 2 years ago I approached my wife about adopting, this was shortly before she was accepted into a leadership program that was going to take a lot of her time over the next 2 years. She explained that unlike the first 3 this was going to require a change of lifestyle on my part, but we could consider it! She was then accepted into the program and we put the decision on hold. Even at our age I still feel the call to return to someone else the opportunity that I have been given and to expand our family.

Even in the best situations adoption can be emotionally hard on people, my sister has had a much tougher time with it than I have.

My brother who was adopted died when he was 11 in an accident. In his case my parents made the effort to contact his birth mother and meet with her to let her know what a great son he was and the circumstances of his death.

 

[Lindsey1323]

Adoption IS a tragedy. It is seldom anyone’s first choice. Most women would prefer to carry a child and birth it. Most children would rather grow up being raised by those he is related to. And mother mothers want to raise the children they bear.

The down sides are very real. There is pain in adoption. Pain for all the losses.

There is a huge downside that adoption has been turned upside down from being a way to find homes for chidlren who need loving fmailies…to a money-making business that fills a demand for people who want babies (and they are priced by skin color, age, and health).

We must be cautious and mindful before promoting adoption to separate the adoption of really needy children from coercive and exploitive baby selling.

And…when we see two options pitted against one for another: adoption and abortion, we need to remind all who think that way of the most humane and loving option: supporting families in need to get their lives together and care for one another…helping struggling families get the resources they need.

When parents cannot care for their chidlren, extended family should always be sought. Only when all those resources have been exhausetd should stranger adoption be considered…and then, it MUST be open and not terminate the child’s contact with his family of origins. To do otherwise is not in the best interest of the child, it is simply cruel and unnecessary.

I am a birthmother and of course I wanted to raise my daughter. And you mention that a birthmother raising the child is the best possible answer, and if not them, then their family. What about those unwed high school teenagers who aren’t even mature enough or have enough eduation to take care of themselves? It’s not always an easy solution. I had all the love and support from my family and even from my church, but I chose adoption because the father of my child was abusive. I wanted nothing more than to raise my daughter, but knew I needed to protect her from him and his abusive family. And I know I made the right decision and my daughter will always know who I am and why she was adopted because I have an open adoption with a wonderful family. So before you say that a birthmother raising her child is the best option you need to realize that there are many many reasons women chose adoption.

 

[davia]

Davia I think you are putting your ideas about how things should be and making it reality -it is not. Years back I watched a special on adoptees searching for their parents. One woman spent years and years searching for her birth mom when she finally found her, in another country, she flew there and knocked on her door. After she introduced herself the woman told her not come back and shut the door in her face. Another case it was a man searching, he met with his biological family and it was a kind of awkward, weird, nice meeting you kind of thing. Even the ones that were positive after checking back some time later all but one had kind of dwindled into a non-relationship after the initial emotion wore off.
The most positve connections were those of siblings and half siblings, not the birth parents.

I’m sure some birth mom’s are heart broken and grieving but the reality is many are not.

A friend of mine who was adopted by her grandparents had her birthmom come to her at the age of 13 and ask her to live with her. After this woman difted in and out of her life she was so excited that her “mom” wanted her. The grandparents let her go.

Literally 24 hours after moving in with her bio-mom she realized what she was there for, to babysit her young half sibling so her mom could go out and party, get drunk and bring men home to her bed. She was abused by her bio-mom and several different men her mother brought into their life. And when her bio-mom found a man to marry she dumped her off at her bio-dad’s who then sexually abused her.

My other friend who was also raised by her grandma had her bio-mom drift in and out of her life, making promises she rarely kept only having time for her when it was convient for her.
My friend went on to have a baby as a teenager as well. She married at 17, cooked, cleaned, cared for her daughter, attended a special school for teen mom’s in order to graduate and is a wonderful mom, who would sacrifice anything and everything for her children. Not everyone is the same.

You think it’s a trillion times harder to give up your child because you love and want your child, you want to be a mom. I’m a mom too and I can’t imagine giving my child up. I can’t imagine aborting my child either but women do it all the time.

I agree open adoption are for the bio-parents. I worked with a young woman years back, she was 19 at the time and had two children by different guys both placed in open adoptions. She actually kept the first child for about 6 months but it was “too much work for her” “she never had anytime for herself”. The second she gave up at birth. She carried pictures of them which she proudly showed me, claimed them as her children, had play dates with them, but none of the real work that real parents do. She gets to claim the title of mom when she does nothing but show up when she feels like to play for a couple hours? If she really deeply loved these children she would let them have a normal family life apart from her, but she couldn’t do that because that would be “too hard” for her.

You have an ideal about how all women who give birth should be, it’s very sweet, but life doesn’t always work that way. Reality is often far from the ideal.

I know you mean no disrespect. I think you have this wonderful Hallmark idea of motherhood that doesn’t always play out in real life. For those birth mom’s who live with broken hearts my prayers are with them. If my bio-mom is one of those women than I pray God gives her healing but I can’t have feelings for a stranger and just because I’m adopted does not mean I have to have feelings for someone who has never been a part of my life.

So we disagree. God Bless.

Thanks for sharing your story - I know it may be hard to do that. I know every situation is different, and I by no means am saying adoption is a bad thing. I think it’s a good and sometimes sad thing. Every situation is different and is done for different reasons. There are good and bad biological parents as well as adoptive parents. I see how someone may not have feelings for a bio-parent. I just pray for those bio parents as well that do still live with feelings for the child they gave up (even if the know it was for the better). Thanks for sharing, and God bless.

 

[Dan-Man916]

Well, I checked with my social worker at our adoption agency, and no one on the entire staff has ever heard of the books shown on adoptauthor’s web site, nor have they heard of this person.

So much for their authoritative position.

 

[Doyle_Mashern]

Adoption is always a tragedy.

Is having a parachute a tragedy? Your airplane losing a wing is a tragedy. Pulling the ripcord is a blessing.

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

By the same token, adoptive parents are not universally good parents, even if they had to jump through hoops to get a baby. Sometimes I see adoptive parents held up on some sort of pedestal in some quarters. Part of that is classist and sometime even racist. Working class people are looked down on by social workers, and college educated people held in high esteem.

You make a good point.

Here in the UK, there has been a scandal of social workers taking babies away from birth parents under very flimsy pretenses. The government had set a target: achieve a certain number of adoptions. Each local council had to meet a target. Healthy white babies were in the highest demand. So, a social worker would see someone who looked “off” in whatever way - education, social class, criminal history, whatever - and they would make sure that that baby was taken away. Then, everything happens in a closed court. The biological parents do not have the same rights as someone charged with a crime. They don’t have the same rights to defend themselves or get their own expert witnesses in. They’re not allowed to go to the press. They’re even prohibited from uttering the child’s name. I am not making this up! It’s all true. Even the minister in charge of family affairs for the UK has said, “I am unable to figure out what is going in these courts because I’m not allowed to know the proceedings.” When the social workers are questioned, they’ll only say, “We can not comment. Everything we do is in the best interests of the child.” And, that is the end of it.

Imagine being an unsophisticated, lower-class person. Maybe there have been some “issues” in your life. But, you are sincerely wanting to be a good parent. You do everything that is asked of you by the social workers, but they keep moving the goal posts. They tell you that you’re just not a fit parent and they take your child. If you even object (no matter how civilly, and how many of us would be civil if someone was taking our child?) you are then charged with being “difficult.” If you raise your voice, you are charged with being dangerous. If you refuse to sign a form they hand you, you are charged with being uncooperative.
This really scares me!

dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=470864&in_page_id=1879

 

[Linnyo]

You make a good point.

Here in the UK, there has been a scandal of social workers taking babies away from birth parents under very flimsy pretenses. The government had set a target: achieve a certain number of adoptions. Each local council had to meet a target. Healthy white babies were in the highest demand. So, a social worker would see someone who looked “off” in whatever way - education, social class, criminal history, whatever - and they would make sure that that baby was taken away. Then, everything happens in a closed court. The biological parents do not have the same rights as someone charged with a crime. They don’t have the same rights to defend themselves or get their own expert witnesses in. They’re not allowed to go to the press. They’re even prohibited from uttering the child’s name. I am not making this up! It’s all true. Even the minister in charge of family affairs for the UK has said, “I am unable to figure out what is going in these courts because I’m not allowed to know the proceedings.” When the social workers are questioned, they’ll only say, “We can not comment. Everything we do is in the best interests of the child.” And, that is the end of it.

Imagine being an unsophisticated, lower-class person. Maybe there have been some “issues” in your life. But, you are sincerely wanting to be a good parent. You do everything that is asked of you by the social workers, but they keep moving the goal posts. They tell you that you’re just not a fit parent and they take your child. If you even object (no matter how civilly, and how many of us would be civil if someone was taking our child?) you are then charged with being “difficult.” If you raise your voice, you are charged with being dangerous. If you refuse to sign a form they hand you, you are charged with being uncooperative.
This really scares me!

dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=470864&in_page_id=1879

Yes, I have been reading about this happening in England and I am very glad to be living North of the border. I think the laws are better for protecting the parent here. Nevertheless, when I had m y first midwife appt. with this baby, the questions asked were on the verge of being too leading and intrusive into the personal life. I was asked about my mental health - current and past, abusive relationships and I had to state that I wasn’t in an abusive relationship several times before the midwife would stop asking, and I was expected to take allsorts of bloodtests over and above what was necessary. But we live in a nanny state, remember! We have everything monitored and dictated to the extent that we are having to brush teeth and give breakfasts in schools. The parents already have thier responsibilities cut.

On the other hand, I have worked with several kids who should be removed from their parents for their own safety but nothing is done because social workers don’t want to break up a family! Yet they are neglected and abused beyond belief. This makes me very angry.

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

Yes, I have been reading about this happening in England and I am very glad to be living North of the border. I think the laws are better for protecting the parent here. Nevertheless, when I had m y first midwife appt. with this baby, the questions asked were on the verge of being too leading and intrusive into the personal life. I was asked about my mental health - current and past, abusive relationships and I had to state that I wasn’t in an abusive relationship several times before the midwife would stop asking, and I was expected to take allsorts of bloodtests over and above what was necessary. But we live in a nanny state, remember! We have everything monitored and dictated to the extent that we are having to brush teeth and give breakfasts in schools. The parents already have thier responsibilities cut.

On the other hand, I have worked with several kids who should be removed from their parents for their own safety but nothing is done because social workers don’t want to break up a family! Yet they are neglected and abused beyond belief. This makes me very angry.

I find the home health visitors to be the most intimidating. I can’t help but think they’re looking around my house, judging. I’m in Scotland, too, and so I don’t worry too much. If I were in England, I probably would. I’m convinced that there are things that get you on a “list” of “at-risk” people and once they’ve ticked their little boxes, that’s how they’re going to view you.

 

[strngrnrth]

You make a good point.

Here in the UK, there has been a scandal of social workers taking babies away from birth parents under very flimsy pretenses. The government had set a target: achieve a certain number of adoptions. Each local council had to meet a target. Healthy white babies were in the highest demand. So, a social worker would see someone who looked “off” in whatever way - education, social class, criminal history, whatever - and they would make sure that that baby was taken away. Then, everything happens in a closed court. The biological parents do not have the same rights as someone charged with a crime. They don’t have the same rights to defend themselves or get their own expert witnesses in. They’re not allowed to go to the press. They’re even prohibited from uttering the child’s name. I am not making this up! It’s all true. Even the minister in charge of family affairs for the UK has said, “I am unable to figure out what is going in these courts because I’m not allowed to know the proceedings.” When the social workers are questioned, they’ll only say, “We can not comment. Everything we do is in the best interests of the child.” And, that is the end of it.
dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=470864&in_page_id=1879

All you need is a constitution like ours – and all we need to do is keep it. Seriously, I am glad I don’t live over there.

 

[rayne89]

You know I just looked up AdoptAuthor’s books on Amazon-(her name is Mirah Riben in case anyone wants to look up her books), getting information from the link she gave to the books she authored. From reading the reviews I came to realize AdoptAuthor is a birth mother who gave her child up for adoption not someone was adopted, which makes much more sense as far her feelings towards adoption. Apparently she doesn’t support adoption at all and favors legal guardianship for children whose parents can’t or don’t wish to care for them.
While she has several positive reviews from those who share her views against adoption this is a quote from a negative review:

The entire book is nothing more than an exercise in how many ways Riben can say that all adoptive parents are needy, greedy and evil.

amazon.com/Stork-Market-Americas-Multi-Billion-Unregulated/dp/1427608954/ref=pd_sim_b_img_1
I don’t think she’s coming back to forum since there are adopted people on here that don’t fit into her negative view of adoption.

 

[rayne89]

I was continuing to poke around on the internet researching information on this author Mirah Riben when I came across a very sad peice of information that seems to make all the peices of the puzzle fit as to why Ms. Riben feels adoption is such a tragedy. Apparently the child Ms. Riben placed for adoption commited suicide.
I found a memorial page that she dedicated to her daughter Alicia on the internet.
twicelost.org/memorial.htm

Such a sad loss of a beautiful young life. My deepest condolences to Ms. Riben. I will remember you and your daughter in my prayers.

 

[lovesMary]

Hi rayne,
It’s easy to understand how that tragedy would sow bitterness in the heart of a mother. All parents feel guilt over what they could have done differently to avoid the death of their child, and do different things to cope with the guilt.

My prayers offered up for healing.