The family bed

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foreverblessed

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I have seen much mention on this forum on the family bed concept. Could someone please explain to me what is Catholic about a family bed. I do not believe the Catechism endorses this, at least I wasn’t able to find anything about it. If the Church does endorse this, could somebody please explain it to me. I am somewhat puzzled by this, and personally believe that family priorities should be as follows: God, spouse, children. I am confused as to how the martial union can be put first when sharing your bed with the children, not just for purposes of marital intimacy but for the quiet together time in which you admire each other and discuss personal adult issues with your spouse. I understand that it that years ago and today in less developed nations the family bed was (is) the way to go. However, today we are armed with the knowledge of SIDS and many have the resources for separate beds.

I have seen such a trend with this in Catholic homeschooling, that I can’t help but to think that there is something that I am missing about this parenting choice. Personally, we will not change our practices because of my husbands strong position on this one, and I too enjoy our quite and intimate times together. I don’t mean to offend co-sleepers, but would truly like to see from your prospective how it is keeping with the Catholic teachings. I would also like to know how this can be done safely to prevent SIDS. Also, does anyone know where the AAP stands on this one?

I would just like to have a clearer understanding and appreciation for both sides of the spectrum. Thank you so much.

Foreverblessed
 
My husband is a light sleeper who tosses and my baby daughter a poor sleeper. These two facts combined cause me to sleep with my daughter and he in a seperate bed. My family sees this as strange, but it works for us and we are happy with it.

I believe the family bed keeps in accord with Catholic teachings because a mother (and father) are responding to the needs of the infant without hesitation. The family bed psyche is that the married couple is looking forward away from each other’s faults and shortcomings, to the physical manifestation of their physical love, a child, in the way God designed intercourse to be. The child in between the parents (or on the mother’s side), is not a barrier to intimacy in most every case.

I often think of Christ’s words “He who wants to save his life shall lose it, and he who loses his life will save it.” This is consoling to a mother who practices attachment parenting and is often with her baby 24 hours a day, even at night. Our culture does not support this at all and sees it as permissive or otherwise “the child parenting the parent.” However this type of parenting is done the world over and has been done for centuries, and if history serves us right, is the way Mary mothered Christ Jesus.

This is not written to offend parents who bottle-feed or use cribs in seperate rooms. I simply believe this type of parenting (attachment parenting and family bed) to be a more responsive type of parenting. Also, I don’t believe the family bed is strictly “Catholic.” There is however nothing in doing it that is against Catholic teachings.
 
We FB because I am too lazy to get up and walk into another room to nurse at 3am 😉

-D
 
I’ll try to find a quote, but I know I heard Dr. Ray recommend against this.

My thoughts: How and when will a child learn to sleep alone?

John
 
My 12 year old sleeps alone just fine and has since she was about 2.

-D
 
Hey there,
Darcee can you check out my thread Up every two hours and give me some (name removed by moderator)ut since you say you are a nursing FB mommy, like me…

Peace
 
I haven’t been here long enought to have read what you are questioning, however, I might be able to provide you with more information.

I think what you are asking is why is “Attachment Parenting” Catholic. I’m not sure why it is “Catholic” but it is a very good way to care for your children. For instance, it greatly aids in breastfeeding. No longer does mom (or dad!) have to get up in the middle of the night for feedings. Issues and concerns of young children can be taken care very easily in this situation.

I’m not sure what ages are included, but we don’t have a bed big enough for more than one child (our youngest). Everyone else graduates to another room and bed (usually around 2).

Studies appear in the newspaper occasionally with some study that this arrangement is bad. Unfortunately, there has never been enough information to explain why. In my NFP classes, I point out an article I clipped from the Wall Street Journal that many of htose studies are sponsored by crib manufactures. I figure, that must be mostly true. There are good books on the subject that explain a safe and healthy way of Attachment Parenting.
 
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mass4life:
I don’t believe the family bed is strictly “Catholic.” There is however nothing in doing it that is against Catholic teachings.
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Amen. If it works for you, fine. My wife and I chose not to use that approach as we did not want to deal with moving our children to another room later in life (we had seen other couples going through this). When our daughters were infants, I would go get them, change them, bring them to my wife to feed, and put them back when done. I am a light sleeper and we used a baby monitor so there was no issue of having them laying there crying for long periods before attending to their needs. 🙂
 
I’m not really sure exactly what attachment parenting is because I’ve only just heard the term but having a family bed goes against all my instincts as a parent. First of all it seems like the only time my wife and I get to be alone is when we are in bed. Whether or not we are being “intimate” is besides the point we need that time alone together.
Kids, of course would be right between us, causing sleepless nights and thus rendering us unable to provide for them in the day as we should. Work would suffer, time at home would suffer, care of our kids would suffer.
If one of them wants to come into our bed after a bad dream or because of a thunderstorm fine but they always go to sleep in their own bed.
The more kids you have the more difficult it would be. My parents at one time had five under five at one point. :eek: If they had went with a family bed that would have been one crowded family bed.
Nope everthing inside me says family bed is no good.
 
There is less chance of SIDS when co-sleeping. There is a greater risk or accidental death (suffocation) but even this increased risk combined with the SIDS risk is lower than the SIDS risk of infants sleeping alone. I have this research at home somewhere (I am at work right now) and I will try to find it later. I also read the Wall Street Journal article that did point out the majority of “sleep studies” conducted in the US are done by crib manufactors. They have a vested intrest in continuing the “co-sleeping is bad” myth.

The family bed strenghtens my marriage. It has increased the intamacy between my husband and myself. We can still cuddle, we just sometimes have another little body cuddeling with us. And physcial loving has not been any more of a problem than any other new parents. Acutally, I think we may have more chances, as I am not as tired as I would be having to go to the other room to nurse in the night.

Family bed is not for everyone. And the issue must be decided within your family only. However, it is not wrong or damaging to the child or the marriage.

🙂 Lilder
 
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foreverblessed:
However, today we are armed with the knowledge of SIDS and many have the resources for separate beds.
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There is no known cause for SIDS. It it a sad and horrible thing that happens, but co-sleeping is not one of the recognized risks- it is however a suggested avoidance (as in erring on the side of caution). I also believe there is a difference between SIDS and deaths associated due to co-sleeping- there is ahuge difference. In most (not all) of the co-sleeping deaths, drugs and alcohol have played major factors.

According to the AAP risk factors for SIDS are as follows:
AAP:
•

African Americans (2x greater risk) •American Indians (more than 2x greater risk)

•Mothers who smoke during pregnancy (3x greater risk)

•Babies who breathe secondhand smoke
(2.5x greater risk)

•Babies who sleep on their tummies (5x greater risk)

•Babies put on their tummies to sleep who
usually sleep on their backs (18–20x greater risk)

•Low birth weight (less than 5 pounds)

•Premature (less than 37 weeks)

•Maternal smoking during pregnancy

•Multiple births (eg, twins, triplets)

•Maternal age younger than 18 years

•Less than 18 months between births
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They do however state that if you choose to co-sleep:
AAP:
•May be hazardous under certain conditions.
•Adults (other than parents), children,
or siblings should avoid bed sharing
with an infant.
•Adults who choose to bed share with
an infant should not smoke or use substances that impair arousal.
Click to expand...
 
I do believe those of us who practice co-sleeping choose to do so based on our family experience and take safety into consideration. Most of us feel safer having our children close to us vs just leaving them alone in a room. May work for some but not for others. I put my son in his own room when he turn 2 due to the fact he was very long and our bed was not big enough for his crazy sleeping positions. It was a very simple transition for us.

As for the Catholic perspective, I think I need to think about that one for a while. I don’t think there is anything un-Catholic about it nor do I think we are going against the churches teaching.

Here is a link I have found about co-sleeping (yes it is from Dr. Sears)
 
Hmmm, I enjoy reading everyone’s comments. I’m sort of struck by the thought my children could be a hinderance in my life. I have never thought that (although I wonder why my daughter has to go to the bathroom now when stuck in a traffic jam and she went just before we left).

We did not use attachment parenting with our first child. I thought we were doing everything we should to support my daughter. Then, with our second, we learned of attachment parenting and were determined to do “ecological breastfeeding” better than the first time. What a world of difference. We have had less sleepless nights (considerably less!) and a happier child than I thought we would have. I cringe at the thought that we forced my daughter alone in another room (which was probably the cause of all those sleepless nights).

We did have a challenge to move our second into another room, but it took less than a week (although he still crawls into bed once in a while). Being the father, I have enjoyed that “extra” time with my son.

Never was my son in the way. We still talk normally about family or daily activities. “Other” activities were never a problem either.

I don’t know if “Family Bed” includes this, but with attachement parenting, you are essentially with your children all the time. Everything we do is family activities. That’s not to say when the children are old enough the two of us will enjoy a dinner or movie, but rarely are the children away. When you delve in to attachement parenting, you start realizing how many people consider children an obstacle or hinderance because you can’t participate in company dinners or picnics, weddings that ask you not to bring kids, and other less children friendly places.

With all that said, everyone will have their own level of attachment parenting and should not be one-szie-fits-all.
 
My husband and I have always shared our bed with our kids. For us, we put the child down to bed in their own bed or crib (this time around the crib and bed are in our room, before we put them down in their own room). Ususally, the child will sleep for a period of hours, giving us our alone time. When they wake up, we don’t try to make them cry it out, we just scoop them up and bring them to bed. This is not a “catechism issue”. This is a personal choice issue.

SIDS is not affected by co sleeping (no greater incidence of). It is a different issue.
There have been cases of children being smothered, but in each case, drugs, alcohol or other children in the bed with a small infant were also involved.

While I respect the choice you and your family have made, I do not think you have completely thought this through to pose this as a “Catholic” issue. My priorities are completely “Catholic” and most people I know who co sleep are strong Christians with strong marriages and happy families. I personally find it appalling and completely wrong to let babies “cry it out”, but I would never question how you can still follow Catholic teachings by raising your children in this way. Catholics for thousands of years have and will continue to co sleep with their kids. Can you see how ridiculous that is to question it in this way? Hard for you to understand, yes. Looking for ways to imply it is not Catholic or following Catholic teachings, no.

For my family, the “marital union” is not just confined to the marriage bed. This is one of the ways our marriage is put first. Time needs to be carved out weather you share your bed with your children or don’t. Our children see natural affection and are sometimes “shooed” from a room because we wish to have adult conversations. I think if children do not see this kind of behavoir, it is hard for them to understand God, Spouse, then children. If the only time a marriage has is after the kids are asleep, the marriage is not coming before children. (I am not implying that this is the only time you spend together, but I do think you would agree if the only “alone” time a couple gets is at bedtime, the marriage is not coming before the kids. And alone time can happen in a roomful of people for that matter. That is why it can be romantic to go out to dinner!)

Also for us, when our children get to a certain age, they naturally choose to sleep in their own bed. It varies from child to child, but it does happen for each child.

I live in a small rural area and there are no Catholic schools closer than 100 miles. So I also choose to homeschool my children for many years as that was the only Catholic School I could provide. I don’t think this is what you were referring to when mentioning homeschooling?

I hope this helps.
God Bless
 
Our family does very much like MariaG’s. Our babies begin the night in their own beds where they generally sleep a few hours, which is about the time my husband and I are ready for sleep ourselves. I don’t think I would sleep very well with a little babe in a seperate room from us anyway, and my husband, who is gone away from us at work all day long, gets some snuggle time with the youngest ones too. For us, it’s a win-win-win situation!
 
We have done both: family bed and crib, but we always start out with our newborns in bed with us. It just feels safer to me to have that tiny little one with me.

One of the ideas about SIDS and newborns in cribs is that they aren’t stimulated enough at times to remember to breathe. Although I often allowed my infant to sleep on her tummy, it was only when she was sleeping on my chest. I figured the rising and falling of my chest and the air blowing onto her from my mouth or nose (let alone the tired mommy snoring!) cancelled out any supposed negative effects of sleeping on her tummy.

Our first daughter slept with us until 18 months mainly because we only had one bedroom and no crib. Some nights it was great to have her there, others just fine, and some nights it was a pain (Literally. Has your husband ever woken to the feel of little fingers yanking out his armpit hair?). When we moved to our two-bedroom apartment we tried transitioning her to her own little bed in the other room, but it was very difficult for several months. Lots of playing music, telling stories, trying to sneak away just when you think she’s asleep…Mommy!!!

For a while after our second daughter was born we had the baby in bed with us and our elder daughter in a bed next to us. Very…hmm, cozy to say the least. However, at this point, it felt a bit suffocating, so we decided to try a more traditional arrangement.

We moved our bed into one room, our elder daughter’s toddler bed and a borrowed crib into the other bedroom and were determined to stick to it. Our second daughter was about 4 months old at this time and not a very sound sleeper, unlike our first. We were just dog-tired from being up so much. Well, our second daughter adjusted to the crib within two days and has always been a sounder sleeper than her older sister since!

After that, our two girls shared a bedroom until we moved to our current four-bedroom house where they now have separate bedrooms temporarily. However, we don’t mind when they come for short nighttime visits to us as they always settle back down just fine in their own beds.

We now have a third daughter and she slept with us in the family bed for about 8 months, after which she became quite the kicker. She’d always had problems settling down for naps on our bed, too. So first we moved her into the crib at the foot of our bed and then when we moved into our current house she got her own room and she sleeps happily both for naps and at night, 11 hours usually.

I think the family bed can be a good thing, but no one should feel obligated to do it, nor once started should anyone feel things must continue that way for however long the popular parenting books say so. Realize that yes, some children do have a hard time transitioning from the parental bed to their own bed or room while others don’t.
 
I have read though all these e-mails and the other on up-every-two hours. The family bed sounds nice. It’s certianly convenient. Newborns, obviously need the most attention, immediate attention that is, toddlers less and so forth. They all need love, they all deserve love - all the time.

I have seen absolutely nothing here to convince me that the family bed is nothing more than convenience. Children need to start learning boundaries, and the line should be clearly drawn. These lines don’t need to be drawn for the 6 day old child. But, they must eventually be drawn. I have heard stories of the family bed concept for children up to ages 10 or so, or for muliple children. Cannot understand how this teaches the children boundaries. Also, do not understand how this does not teach them that they come first, and mommy and daddy will drop anyting for them (even outside of the emergency situation). I believe that this is in line with permissive parenting, and dangerous (and I’m not referring to SIDs).

I’ll say it again, it al comes down to priorities. The children must see that your spouse comes before them. The arrangement of the proper priorities does not mean that in way, shape or form, the children’s needs are unmet. I come home from work and kiss my wife first, then the kids. The kids do not interrupt my wife or talk back to her without receiving my disapproval. She does the same for me. The two greatest gifts we can give our children is to share with and teach them our faith (especially as we grow in it ourselves), and to give them a loving model. I beleive the family bed concept merely conveys to the child that the family revolves around them.

Thanks you and God Bless.
 
First of all, what a great thread, Foreverblessed!

As far as it being a Catholic thing, I have no idea. It is a human thing as far as I am concerned. We like baby in bed between us. I am comforted and awed by his sweet little stirs, sounds, and soft breath. I can nurse him effortlessly. I am pro “family bed” although I was, until recently, unfamiliar with this term. I wonder if this arrangement will become illegal at some point? I wouldn’t doubt it given the size and reach of government.
 
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foreverblessed:
Also, do not understand how this does not teach them that they come first, and mommy and daddy will drop anyting for them (even outside of the emergency situation). I believe that this is in line with permissive parenting, and dangerous (and I’m not referring to SIDs).
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:ehh:
Family bed has NOTHING to do with how you discipline your children. It has nothing to do with being strict or permissive. You are probably right in it being a convenience, but it certainly does NOT teach the child that the parents will drop everything for them any more then changing their soiled diapers promptly does.

The idea that an infant must never ever come between a husband and wife WRT time and attention is pure selfishness on the parent’s part. Not to mention entirely unrealistic. Their job together is the raising of children it is not a sideline thing getting in the way of their marriage. For the first couple years that means dropping everything at a moments notice to deal with being a parent, nursing and infant, changing a diaper, cleaning barf up off the bedding, carpet, wall, cat, kid and yourself at 3am.

Does this “teach them that they come first, and mommy and daddy will drop anything for them”? Maybe… they will learn the hard, cold truth that they do not soon enough. It is just normal development for a preschool or younger child to believe that they are the center of the universe and it is damaging to force them to feel otherwise. This isn’t “permissive parenting” it is just being an attentive and compassionate parent.

-D
 
Three of our four children slept in our bed. They never slept between my husband and I. I started out with a basinett beside the bed for a couple of weeks and eventually used a bed railing, but I always kept the baby between me and the bed railing. Never had a problem with transitioning into their own bed, however, I did lose a couple pillows in the deal as they liked the pillow. Since my husband had to be away at work during the day, he always liked the opportunity to see them in the morning when they were bubbly or just admire them in their sleep while he stroked their little arms. We did have a king size bed which was great. We also wanted to use ecological breastfeeding and sleeping with your baby allows you to be available for those feedings and still be rested in the morning. A lot of moms shorten the length of nursing and introduce solids earlier because the night schedule of going into the other room gets to be too much for them. Not a problem when the baby is right there. One thing that I always found comforting was that I knew I could get my baby out in a fire. The other kids in their rooms were old enough to get out the window by themselves, but I would have to be able to get to the baby to save him/her. If you don’t want to do it, that’s fine, but at least appreciate that it may work well for someone else.
 
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