The first years of marriage

[KnitNut]

All of Xantippe’s posts: +1
Also Lorelei’s = +1

“Unwinding” after work is one thing. Several hours of gaming into the wee hours every night, on weeknights, is another. As other posters have written, things just change when you have kids. There’s less sleep for everyone. There are interruptions and disruptions and all manner of craziness during the first years. No one gets to do everything that they want to do. Save the gaming for a Saturday afternoon break (and not hours & hours of it, to the neglect of all else), or squeeze in a bit while the kiddo naps. If you’re home by midnight, be in bed not later than 12:45. And then be up for breakfast with everyone else - you can nap when the kiddo naps late morning, if need be. Or lie down after lunch with the little one.

As others have mentioned, the whole schedule needs a major tweak. I’m sure that, if you would be up with the rest of the household instead of pulling weekender-teenager hours, you would be able work out a better schedule for the whole family. Example: wife gets up with kid, gets breakfast ready while you get up & shower. You take kid while she showers. She takes kid while you walk dogs (or whole family walks dogs, right?!) and/or makes a trip to the park for fresh air. Get home, kiddo naps & you nap. Wife gets lunch going, does chores. Everybody has lunch together. One afternoon of the week is reserved for grocery shopping before you go to work (less crowds). Another afternoon is for you to do car work. Another is for her to get an hour of quiet time at a coffee shop with a book. Another day of the week is your afternoon to hit the gym, or whatever. And then you leave for the evening shift. Weekends are scheduled in advance - big projects (home repair, outing to relatives, etc) are put on the family calendar (in writing) in advance, so both of you can see what needs to be done and how to arrange things between you. You two are a team, but haven’t been working as one.

Bottom line - you need time, but she also needs time. Your post suggests that you really don’t “get” what she’s going through - you’re sleeping through the night, you’re sleeping in, you’re heading out to work on cars, walk the dogs, etc…what’s her day like? Having been there myself (both with the hubs on AD, often afloat, and then after he retired, with our youngest not quite 2), I am pretty confident when I say that part of her frustration is her own lack of sleep. And probably part of her anger stems from watching you get hours and hours daily for “unwinding”, even walking the dogs by yourself…I, too, would be livid if I wasn’t getting even an hour of truly “off duty” time (and naps are not off-duty - that’s when you hustle to get non-kid things done, and often that’s interrupted by the unexpectedly-awake child).

Lastly, visit your doc and get a counselor. PTSD is nothing to mess with. Neither is depression (tears at leaving? “slave” job?). As previously mentioned, what is your long term plan, career-wise? Are you going to stick with evening shift after the kid(s) are in school? Can you work your job for a full career? Use that GI Bill to get training in an area of interest, continue your networking, etc. In this economy, it’s so important to have backup plans…you never know when you might be injured, etc.

I’m not saying your wife is without fault. Marriage counseling is another good avenue to pursue. However, she’s not the one here posting, so it’s hard to make suggestions for her.

 

[pianistclare]

Please talk to your priest, and look into seeing a marriage counselor. If your wife will not join you, go yourself.
A lot is happening in both of your lives in a relatively short period of time, discharge from the military, marriage, a child- that is a lot of change to go through.
Is it possible that there may be some post-partum depression with your wife? She should probably discuss this with her OB/GYN or primary care doctor.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

THIS THIS THIS^^^^^

This is something you’re not going to “fix” with internet help.
It will likely make you more depressed, and your DW more angry.

Get some professional help. Talking to the priest is free.
Be assured of our prayers.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes it is very hard to go to bed without having time to unwind. I have worked both second and third shifts in the past and not having time to unwind is a recipe for insomnia. My husband’s schedule for work is very unpredictable and we as a family work around his sleep schedule instead of asking him to sleep around our schedules. Sleep is very important and if it is unnecessarily interrupted, it can throw a person into sleep problems. Insomnia is mild compared to some of the other problems some people are prone to developing.

This man works a physically demanding, can be dangerous if focus is not there, type of job. He needs at least 8 hours for safety reasons. He’s not oversleeping. He contributes to the household both by being sole provider and cleaning, child care, etc. His dogs aren’t just for companionship. They serve a purpose. I can’t stand my husband’s PTSD companion but there is no way I would dream of removing it from his life. It’s necessary. And the kids and I take care of the dumb fuzzy thing when he is overseas or even just TDY stateside. Women need to learn to adjust and deal with things as well as the men in a family. It isn’t always up to him. He is not the cause of all problems.

Nobody said he was.

But he’s the one here asking for advice on what to do.

 

[heidi_storage]

Nobody said he was.

But he’s the one here asking for advice on what to do.

Yes, he is, and that’s why I’m wondering if anyone who’s been in a somewhat similar situation could provide a helpful perspective. Bitterhope has plenty of insight into what it’s like to be married to a military man working odd shifts and dealing with PTSD, but a man who’s dealt with a similar set of circumstances might have more practical advice for the OP.

 

[Xantippe]

I haven’t worked official shift work, but when I was in grad school, I often was working round the clock to keep up and was often very lucky to snatch three or four hours of sleep. During those years, I wouldn’t dream of staying up 2 or 3 hours extra–I’d finish my work, sleep my three or four or five hours and then get up and do it again and then do it again the next day.

It was kind of terrible, though–I didn’t get regular exercise, I was careless about my diet, and I gained a lot of weight during those years.

Regarding safety–the OP’s wife’s sleep is also a safety issue if she is in charge of their child by herself, either because she isn’t alert enough to protect the baby or because she’s driving unsafely.

OP, if you go with your wife to a priest or counselor, be prepared to deal with her having a lot of anger and resentment toward you. Do not go with the attitude that you are going to fix your angry wife without making some changes in your schedule and personal habits.

I feel like the anger you describe is more a symptom than an underlying problem.

 

[Xantippe]

About the dogs–I’m not telling the OP’s wife to get rid of the dog, but to ask the OP to think seriously about whether they are creating more stress than they alleviate.

If the wife loves the dogs, great. But if the wife dislikes and resents the dogs and the dogs cause fights, the dogs are part of the problem. The wife is dealing with them even when the OP is gone all day

Also, it’s worth asking whether cutting down to one dog could substantially decrease family stress.

 

[Irishmom2]

About the dogs–I’m not telling the OP’s wife to get rid of the dog, but to ask the OP to think seriously about whether they are creating more stress than they alleviate.

If the wife loves the dogs, great. But if the wife dislikes and resents the dogs and the dogs cause fights, the dogs are part of the problem.

Please stop. I don’t know how much you know about PTSD service dogs, but the OP obviously is helped by having them. Do not claim that they are possibly creating more stress than they alleviate. That is very uncharitable towards the OP.

It sometimes sounds like you think the wife is the only one stressed out. PTSD is debilitizing. Veterans are killing themselves every day across America, and you are suggesting that the husband is not doing enough, or not doing it right, or not sympathetic enough to his wife.

Seriously, it is possible for one mom to watch one child on her own if need be. It happens all the time. Yes, maybe the OPs wife isn’t one of those people. But let’s not throw the OP under the bus, when he is honest enough, and caring enough to seek help.

 

[KnitNut]

I feel like the anger you describe is more a symptom than an underlying problem.

…and I’m going to take this a step farther.

Beyond the PTSD.
Beyond the shiftwork.

If my math is correct, she was pregnant not more than 3 months after you two met. And I’m thinking there are some core relationship issues that got shoved under the rug while you two were dealing with the quick meeting, pregnancy, wedding… This extends beyond PTSD, post partum depression, etc. I really encourage you two to get to counseling and to your priest. There may be compatibility issues and preconceived ideas around marriage/family/career that are in play here. Further, I think you each may benefit particularly from individual counseling. This many life changes in short order (particularly if it was an unplanned pregnancy with a new and relatively unknown partner) create all kinds of stress and emotion. Better to get them out in the open and start dealing with them together, soonest.

 

[Allegra]

You and your wife should see someone soon, especially if she is threatening to leave you every time she gets stressed. That isn’t an okay thing to say, even if you both consider it an empty threat. I don’t think that people realize how much trauma that can inflict on a child if they overhear something like that. I know your girl is still little, but that just means this is the best time to break that habit. I’m really serious about that. Parents don’t realize that their kids are overhearing this or even understanding their innuendo and silently going around in constant fear that their family is about to be destroyed at any moment. Your wife needs to get out of the habit of using that as a threat whenever she doesn’t like what you do.

That being said, you need to consider whether or not your wife has a legitimate concern about you giving your child proper supervision. I’m not a stay-at-home mom myself, but it’s hard for me to give up my time with my kids to do household chores that need to get done. It’s harder when my husband puts the kids in the pack n play and stares at his phone. It makes me feel like, if that’s his idea of “watching the kids”, why the heck doesn’t HE clean out the oven and let me read them a story! Fortunately, my husband doesn’t do gaming or watching sports but he does have a really obnoxious coin collecting-] hobby/-], -]habit/-], -]obsession./-] While I might pull my (not smart) phone out to respond to a text or check the time, he gets so absorbed in his phone that he wouldn’t notice if one of our kids turned into an ostrich and ran away into the woods. I don’t know if your situation is anything like that, but you might consider if the way she checks her phone is really the same way you check yours.

Finally, you seem to feel that there is inequality in the amount of “me” time you and your wife get because she is a stay-at-home mom. I’m not a SAHM myself, but I do know that I have never succeeded in having “me” time at any point when I was home alone with my children. On the off chance that both my kids are asleep at the same time, that’s the time I mop the stairs. The only “me” time I get is my commuting to and from work, where I can listen to whatever I want on the radio and think about whatever I want without being interrupted for an email or a request for a corndog. The rest of the time I am at least partially engaged in putting it on for someone else. I even have to make an announcement that I’m officially “checked out” in order to take a shower, or else I’m going to have sticky little fingers reaching for me under the bathroom door or my husband sticking his head in to ask me where the paper towels are. So your sense of entitlement for a few hours to play video games on your own doesn’t seem to me like a reasonable position either. Unless you provide your wife with a comparable amount of time where she doesn’t have to be responsible for your daughter or worry that you just dumped her in the pack n play or are letting her run with scissors then I suspect she feels the same way. Maybe you do offer her some down time and you do intend to interact with your daughter during that time and not just stare at a screen? Only you and your wife really know what’s going on with that. I can only offer my perspective about how it makes me feel when my husband tries to slip away and look at coins at an inopportune time.

 

[Xantippe]

Please stop. I don’t know how much you know about PTSD service dogs, but the OP obviously is helped by having them. Do not claim that they are possibly creating more stress than they alleviate. That is very uncharitable towards the OP.

It sometimes sounds like you think the wife is the only one stressed out. PTSD is debilitizing. Veterans are killing themselves every day across America, and you are suggesting that the husband is not doing enough, or not doing it right, or not sympathetic enough to his wife.

Seriously, it is possible for one mom to watch one child on her own if need be. It happens all the time. Yes, maybe the OPs wife isn’t one of those people. But let’s not throw the OP under the bus, when he is honest enough, and caring enough to seek help.

The dogs are for the OP to think about–I’m not telling him either way, just mentioning it as a possibility that the dogs are causing stress. It might not be a problem for his wife, but I know for myself that if I were home all day with two dogs and a baby, I would be going nuts.

I think everything in their household system needs to be looked at at this point–the dogs, his career plans, his health care, their finances, whether or not they should be homeowners right now, the cars, etc. Or it might do his wife good to have a part-time job to pay for extras like date night or occasional carry-out or parents’ day out (or preschool in a few years).

I would not take anything for granted. It might be, for example, that they would be better off as renters with newer, more reliable cars. That’s not standard personal finance advice, but it might be the best thing in their particular situation.

That is not throwing him under the bus.

 

[AClaire11]

I think everyone has done a good job of pointing out the wife’s perspective. Hopefully, as others suggested, we can get some opinions from the other side.

I will point out that as he has not been diagnosed with PTSD, his dog is probably not a service dog. That’s not to say that he should get rid of the dogs. I know that my cats helped me through my own PTSD and depression in a very real way. But if most of the care is falling on his wife, that is an issue. I can barely manage feeding my cats on time most days. I can’t imagine having to walk two dogs throughout the day while also having a toddler along. But OP, please get help for the PTSD. You need to.

And yeah…I get really touchy when I ask my husband to watch the baby and he’s glued to his phone. He’s only home and awake for so many hours and it annoys me to see him waste quality time on a screen. Quality time is my love language, so that might be a factor. And if he were getting almost 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep plus two hours of screwing around when I haven’t been able to relax since March? Oh boy.

 

[bitterhope]

The dogs are for the OP to think about–I’m not telling him either way, just mentioning it as a possibility that the dogs are causing stress. It might not be a problem for his wife, but I know for myself that if I were home all day with two dogs and a baby, I would be going nuts.

I think everything in their household system needs to be looked at at this point–the dogs, his career plans, his health care, their finances, whether or not they should be homeowners right now, the cars, etc. Or it might do his wife good to have a part-time job to pay for extras like date night or occasional carry-out or parents’ day out (or preschool in a few years).

I would not take anything for granted. It might be, for example, that they would be better off as renters with newer, more reliable cars. That’s not standard personal finance advice, but it might be the best thing in their particular situation.

That is not throwing him under the bus.

Twenty two service members a day are committing suicide. One every 65 minutes. I really believe that the actual number is higher but that’s the official tally. And people are blaming him while he is supporting his family and helping around the house. The wife has it easier and better than most women I know in real life. Yet her complaints are met with sympathy while he has even more piled on top of him.

For the record, my husband doesn’t have a dog. As a family we have two dogs, but his PTSD animal is a rabbit. It’s a white, fluffy, lop eared rabbit that hops around my house and curls up with him and snuggles and sheds hair. The thing is potty trained and doesn’t scratch or chew or anything bad, but it gets under my feet while I’m trying to walk and it hops in my lap when I’m trying to sew. I was raised eating rabbits and would love to make stew with that thing. BUT—it has made a world of difference in my husband. I’m very thankful that due to the rabbit my husband can cope with life. He allows love and affection again instead of being withdrawn from family, friends and society. It’s not an option to get rid of therapeutic service animals. It doesn’t matter how much it bothers me to take care of it when he’s gone for months or over a year at a time. The rabbit has my gratitude and it is part of our family now.

 

[Xantippe]

Twenty two service members a day are committing suicide. One every 65 minutes. I really believe that the actual number is higher but that’s the official tally. And people are blaming him while he is supporting his family and helping around the house. The wife has it easier and better than most women I know in real life. **Yet her complaints are met with sympathy while he has even more piled on top of him. **

For the record, my husband doesn’t have a dog. As a family we have two dogs, but his PTSD animal is a rabbit. It’s a white, fluffy, lop eared rabbit that hops around my house and curls up with him and snuggles and sheds hair. The thing is potty trained and doesn’t scratch or chew or anything bad, but it gets under my feet while I’m trying to walk and it hops in my lap when I’m trying to sew. I was raised eating rabbits and would love to make stew with that thing. BUT—it has made a world of difference in my husband. I’m very thankful that due to the rabbit my husband can cope with life. He allows love and affection again instead of being withdrawn from family, friends and society. It’s not an option to get rid of therapeutic service animals. It doesn’t matter how much it bothers me to take care of it when he’s gone for months or over a year at a time. The rabbit has my gratitude and it is part of our family now.

The stuff I’ve mentioned is largely about simplifying and streamlining their life and bringing better communication, teamwork and harmony to their marriage.

In other words, it’s about making his life better and easier.

I’m glad your husband gets so much out of his bunny. But:

1. The OP does not have an actual diagnosis (actual medical diagnosis and treatment would be a good move)

and

1. There are** two **dogs.

 

[RosyAnne]

The first 10 years of my marriage were absolutely horrendous, and the word “divorce” was either tossed around or thought about on a frequent basis. Looking back I can see we were each spoiled and selfish in our own ways. It never occurred to me to think: What can I do today to make things easier or brighter for my husband? rather than taking every opportunity I could to feeding my own wants for comfort and happiness. To tell the truth, after being married now for 30 years, I still don’t think about my husband’s happiness as often as I should.

From what you said in the opening post, I think you both are doing the best you can in the situation that you are in but there’s still this frequent conflict between the two of you. I say it’s simply growing pains, marital pains, maturity issues. There’s a roughness that selfishness causes that needs sanding down and it’s really not fun going through that.

You never mentioned whether or not you two were married in the Church. Is your wife Catholic? Are you both faithful and practising? Do you pray together each day? If you could pray a rosary together or the Liturgy of the Hours, that would really help bring a peace into your marriage, even if it’s just for that time of prayer. I would also ask a priest to come by and bless your home and your family.

I will tell you one very important thing I did, even though I was a non-practising Catholic way back then. I put a small framed picture on my dresser of the Holy Family and every day I couldn’t help but look at it since it was in such a prominent spot, and I would ask them to protect my family, to pray for me, and to help us get through the tough times. I swear to this day that it was this little devotion to the Holy Family that pulled us through somehow, and believe me, there were a lot of hot and heavy tears poured for a lot of years. I now have a beautiful statue of the Holy Family in that spot on my dresser and can’t imagine ever not having something represent them in my home.

 

[pianistclare]

The first 10 years of my marriage were absolutely horrendous, and the word “divorce” was either tossed around or thought about on a frequent basis. Looking back I can see we were each spoiled and selfish in our own ways. It never occurred to me to think: What can I do today to make things easier or brighter for my husband? rather than taking every opportunity I could to feeding my own wants for comfort and happiness. To tell the truth, after being married now for 30 years, I still don’t think about my husband’s happiness as often as I should.

From what you said in the opening post, I think you both are doing the best you can in the situation that you are in but there’s still this frequent conflict between the two of you. I say it’s simply growing pains, marital pains, maturity issues. There’s a roughness that selfishness causes that needs sanding down and it’s really not fun going through that.

You never mentioned whether or not you two were married in the Church. Is your wife Catholic? Are you both faithful and practising? Do you pray together each day? If you could pray a rosary together or the Liturgy of the Hours, that would really help bring a peace into your marriage, even if it’s just for that time of prayer. I would also ask a priest to come by and bless your home and your family.

I will tell you one very important thing I did, even though I was a non-practising Catholic way back then. I put a small framed picture on my dresser of the Holy Family and every day I couldn’t help but look at it since it was in such a prominent spot, and I would ask them to protect my family, to pray for me, and to help us get through the tough times. I swear to this day that it was this little devotion to the Holy Family that pulled us through somehow, and believe me, there were a lot of hot and heavy tears poured for a lot of years. I now have a beautiful statue of the Holy Family in that spot on my dresser and can’t imagine ever not having something represent them in my home.

Good post/.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

This is a very good post. Thank you for giving wonderful advice filled with compassion, something many of these replies are lacking. :sad_yes:

The first 10 years of my marriage were absolutely horrendous, and the word “divorce” was either tossed around or thought about on a frequent basis. Looking back I can see we were each spoiled and selfish in our own ways. It never occurred to me to think: What can I do today to make things easier or brighter for my husband? rather than taking every opportunity I could to feeding my own wants for comfort and happiness. To tell the truth, after being married now for 30 years, I still don’t think about my husband’s happiness as often as I should.

From what you said in the opening post, I think you both are doing the best you can in the situation that you are in but there’s still this frequent conflict between the two of you. I say it’s simply growing pains, marital pains, maturity issues. There’s a roughness that selfishness causes that needs sanding down and it’s really not fun going through that.

You never mentioned whether or not you two were married in the Church. Is your wife Catholic? Are you both faithful and practising? Do you pray together each day? If you could pray a rosary together or the Liturgy of the Hours, that would really help bring a peace into your marriage, even if it’s just for that time of prayer. I would also ask a priest to come by and bless your home and your family.

I will tell you one very important thing I did, even though I was a non-practising Catholic way back then. I put a small framed picture on my dresser of the Holy Family and every day I couldn’t help but look at it since it was in such a prominent spot, and I would ask them to protect my family, to pray for me, and to help us get through the tough times. I swear to this day that it was this little devotion to the Holy Family that pulled us through somehow, and believe me, there were a lot of hot and heavy tears poured for a lot of years. I now have a beautiful statue of the Holy Family in that spot on my dresser and can’t imagine ever not having something represent them in my home.

 

[petra22]

I will tell you one very important thing I did, even though I was a non-practising Catholic way back then. I put a small framed picture on my dresser of the Holy Family and every day I couldn’t help but look at it since it was in such a prominent spot, and I would ask them to protect my family, to pray for me, and to help us get through the tough times. I swear to this day that it was this little devotion to the Holy Family that pulled us through somehow, and believe me, there were a lot of hot and heavy tears poured for a lot of years. I now have a beautiful statue of the Holy Family in that spot on my dresser and can’t imagine ever not having something represent them in my home.

This is very beautiful and it’s the exact thing that helps me get through the rough time and there are many… we’ve made it 40 years…

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am a little confused by some of the responses. The OP sounds like he has a lot on his plate. In addition to being the sole income, he does watch his daughter, he cleans around the house and takes care of the yard work and car. And it is being suggested that his wife is the one that is overwhelmed? He is sleeping a normal amount of time and even that is being criticized as not right. In other threads, he is doing what others would be saying he should be doing.

I do think that you need to look into getting help for your possible PTSD. It is setting up a dynamic in your marriage that would be helped by you getting counseling. Perhaps you could limit your gaming to times when your daughter is napping or occupied with her own play in the same room.

I think that marriage counseling would help as well, to learn ways of communicating both of your needs in a non- passive aggressive manner. As someone mentioned earlier, be nice and respectful, even when your wife isn’t.

Thank you for your service, by the way. Please take care of yourself.

I’m confused too! Though not suprised.

OP:
Please seek spiritual and marital counseling. There is a lot going on there and you guys sound like you could use some help!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I haven’t worked official shift work, but when I was in grad school, I often was working round the clock to keep up and was often very lucky to snatch three or four hours of sleep. During those years, I wouldn’t dream of staying up 2 or 3 hours extra–I’d finish my work, sleep my three or four or five hours and then get up and do it again and then do it again the next day.

Having done both shift work and rigorous academic schedules, I assure you they are not the same at all.

Academic work is frantic, haphazard, and you really never have the same day twice and nothing is ever really finished. No, you don’t stay up an extra few hours because you always have more to do. Shift work isn’t like that. Your mind and body get into a rhythm and that’s how you survive. It’s not realistic to expect anyone to come home every day after work and go to bed, regardless of what hours they work. Your brain just doesn’t do that. Unfortunately, if this is how the family survives, then mom and kid(s) are going to have to be the ones to adjust.

I get that being the mom of a toddler is hard, but as a single income family, it’s easier for her to be flexible than him.

 

[pianistclare]

Having done both shift work and rigorous academic schedules, I assure you they are not the same at all.

Academic work is frantic, haphazard, and you really never have the same day twice and nothing is ever really finished. No, you don’t stay up an extra few hours because you always have more to do. Shift work isn’t like that. Your mind and body get into a rhythm and that’s how you survive. It’s not realistic to expect anyone to come home every day after work and go to bed, regardless of what hours they work. Your brain just doesn’t do that. Unfortunately, if this is how the family survives, then mom and kid(s) are going to have to be the ones to adjust.

I get that being the mom of a toddler is hard, but as a single income family, it’s easier for her to be flexible than him.

Makes sense to me.