The first years of marriage

[UbiCaritas]

Having done both shift work and rigorous academic schedules, I assure you they are not the same at all.

Academic work is frantic, haphazard, and you really never have the same day twice and nothing is ever really finished. No, you don’t stay up an extra few hours because you always have more to do. Shift work isn’t like that. Your mind and body get into a rhythm and that’s how you survive. It’s not realistic to expect anyone to come home every day after work and go to bed, regardless of what hours they work. Your brain just doesn’t do that. Unfortunately, if this is how the family survives, then mom and kid(s) are going to have to be the ones to adjust.

I get that being the mom of a toddler is hard, but as a single income family, it’s easier for her to be flexible than him.

I’ve done both simultaneously–academic work and shift work, that is. I went to college full-time, sometimes with an overload, and worked the 3-midnight shift.

What I found worked best for me was to do a sort of compromise of what’s been suggested. After classes and then the evening shift, I couldn’t walk in the door and go straight to bed, even though it was a bit after midnight and I’d need to be up by 6:30 or 7. As you said, it just doesn’t work.

However, my wind-down time was a bit shorter. I was lucky enough to live only two blocks from work, so I’d be home by 12:15. I’d take a quick shower or bath, have a snack, and read for a bit, with my goal being to be in bed by 1:30 at the latest.

I agree that she may be able to be more flexible than the OP, with the caveat that some kids wake up at a set and early hour no matter what you do. I can put DD, age 2, to bed at 7 PM or 9 PM, and she’ll still be up within a 20-minute window of 7 AM. I know other moms who have kids like this, too. A family naptime might help, if their daughter is still napping.

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve done both simultaneously–academic work and shift work, that is. I went to college full-time, sometimes with an overload, and worked the 3-midnight shift.

What I found worked best for me was to do a sort of compromise of what’s been suggested. After classes and then the evening shift, I couldn’t walk in the door and go straight to bed, even though it was a bit after midnight and I’d need to be up by 6:30 or 7. As you said, it just doesn’t work.

However, my wind-down time was a bit shorter. I was lucky enough to live only two blocks from work, so I’d be home by 12:15. I’d take a quick shower or bath, have a snack, and read for a bit, with my goal being to be in bed by 1:30 at the latest.

I agree that she may be able to be more flexible than the OP, with the caveat that some kids wake up at a set and early hour no matter what you do. I can put DD, age 2, to bed at 7 PM or 9 PM, and she’ll still be up within a 20-minute window of 7 AM. I know other moms who have kids like this, too. A family naptime might help, if their daughter is still napping.

Right.

A lot of toddlers think 5 AM is when the day begins. I haven’t had one of those for a while, but children’s sleep schedules are not infinitely malleable.

The OP’s wife can be encouraged to nap, but there will come a day when the naps disappear, or when there’s a second child not napping at the same time.

It would be one thing if the OP love-love-loved his job and was very happy with everything but his marriage, but based on the OP it doesn’t sound like he likes his job (“slave away”). Also, even with that gargantuan 7 hours 45 minutes of sleep he’s getting, he’s exhausted and he doesn’t seem crazy about his job. Even if his wife were non-stop rainbows and sunshine, his exhaustion and lack of enthusiasm about his job would be unlikely to change much. He himself reports that everything was a lot better in their marriage when he was working a different schedule. Plus, with the schedule he reports, he literally won’t see his child at all on school days–kid will leave for school when he is asleep and will be in bed before he returns home.

So, the work schedule and the job itself would be where I would focus my attention. Does the OP really want to “slave away” at this for the rest of his working life? Is this even a job that he can hope to perform long-term? Could he and his wife be happier if they both worked daylight hours instead?