The girlfriend's parents hate me

[kaws]

-The mother is very strict Catholic
-The father is not very religous at all, but understandably sides with the wife (he was concerned but understanding about working at adultshop, it was ok with him)
-My girlfriend is much less religious than my initial post made it out to be, she becomes aggravated that her mother is constantly trying to force her to fall in line with her views… whilst she does attend mass regularly with her family she is certainly not committed to her religion and its beliefs at this point in time (it has been this way for a number of years now)

So I suppose the main issue isnt the religion but the parents desire to control their child’s every movement and decision as she passes beyond her teenage years… there are certainly times when it is needed, however I think it is getting a little unhealthy (in my opinion)

anyway I’m off to bed, got to get up nice and early in 5 hours to head out on site… hopefully things don’t derail too much before I check this again

I’ll let you get some sleep

I have a couple of questions for when you return.

1. Can youprovide some examples of how/when the parents were over controlling?
2. Is your girlfriend largely financially dependent on her parents?
3. What areas of her Catholic faith does your girlfriend disagree with, and why?

Perhaps if I had a clearer picture of these I might be able to give better advice.

 

[sdeco]

I’m a cradle Catholic who dated a non-Catholic when I was high school. He had very different morals and values than I did, and I ended up breaking up with him because I realized I could never marry him. My parents were actually fine with me dating him. The break-up was completely my decision, and I didn’t even tell my parents about it until after we broke up. I think they knew he wasn’t Catholic, but I think they thought it was just some superficial high school relationship, and didn’t realize how seriously I took these things even back then.

I actually agree with you that her parents are being overbearing and uncharitable. It’s extremely immature to refuse to speak to your child’s SO, even if you don’t like them or think the relationship is a bad idea. If she were a teenager, they would be within their rights to not allow her to date you, but she’s 20 years old for crying out loud. There’s really nothing they can do about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I would be very unhappy if I had a daughter who dated someone with very different morals, but if she were over 18 there would be nothing I could do about it, except pray for her. I had great parents who instilled in me good enough morals that I could decide for myself that dating someone with different morals was a bad idea. At the same time, they were not overbearing and let me make my own decisions. It sounds like her parents used a much more heavy-handed approach to raising her than mine did, and consequently she can’t see for herself that dating you is a bad idea.

I hate to say it, but I don’t think there’s any hope for this relationship. Yes, you could quit your job at the sex shop, but that’s kind of beside the point. You still have the same morals, and if I read your post correctly, she has different morals. My HS boyfriend told me he would be willing to wait until marriage to have sex, etc., and to his credit he never pressured me, but I knew he was only doing it for me and not because he really believed it. Whose morals would we teach our kids if we had them? If the two of you have completely different morals and religious beliefs, it’s simply not going to work. Find someone who’s more like you.

Also, someone mentioned that this relationship could be her way of rebelling. With such overbearing parents, I’m not surprised she’s rebelling. My question for you is – don’t you want to be with someone who loves you for who you are, not someone who may be using you as her way of rebelling? And why would you want to be with someone who’s so different from you, anyway? There are just so many potential problems. Some posters have said “if you love her, you’ll change,” but you can’t force yourself to change. While I certainly pray that you will one day see the truth of the Catholic faith, it should be 100% on your own terms, not because you want to please someone else.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Sex toys are immoral?
I was under the impression that they could be used as a ‘marital aid’ provided intercourse still took place…procreation…blah blah etc etc

but hey, I’m not religious so I wouldnt know…

Well its interesting to see your opinion… a few more ‘constructive’’ responses from people wouldn’t go astray

No, sex toys are not immoral at all

BUT, there are other things in those stores that are. Even things that encourage homosexual behaviour) However, I doubt seriously this is their real reason. It’s probably a compunding issue. Firstly, it is VITAL to catholics (I am assuming they are catholic?) that they marry IN the church, to another catholic. The fact that you don’t see yourself as “relgious” probably worries them greatly, since religion is a huge issue for marriages, and even moreso for catholics (IMHO). I think they may see your second job as a big sign of the disparity of faith. I think they are genuinely worried about their daughter having a happy marriage free from the enormous strife and heartache that spouses of differing faith have.

Ultimatly, the choice IS up to you and your girlfriend. I don’t think it’s fair to ask her to leave her faith and family to be with you. I also don’t think it’s fair for you to force yourself to act in a way you don’t want to. The decision of faith has to be YOURS. Forcing it will only make YOU miserable, which will hurt her down the road too. But like I said, this is really between you guys. I would spend a lot of time talking to her about this.

 

[Nepenthe]

Oh hey kaws, np, will refer to you with female pronouns from now on, but to a Californian, ‘dude’ is pretty neuter-gender, lol. I have never been able to completely break my Norcal accent (I still say ‘hella’ and ‘killer’ and all of that, hehe).

Me, I answer to either set of pronouns…to me, it’s what’s between the ears that counts, you know?

 

[kaws]

Oh hey kaws, np, will refer to you with female pronouns from now on, but to a Californian, ‘dude’ is pretty neuter-gender, lol. I have never been able to completely break my Norcal accent (I still say ‘hella’ and ‘killer’ and all of that, hehe).

Me, I answer to either set of pronouns…to me, it’s what’s between the ears that counts, you know?

No problem I agree it’s between the ears that counts

BTW while my name was chosen for a more boring reason (kaws is simply my initials), I did check out KAWS work. I guess I actually HAD heard of him and his Kimpsons work, but had forgotten about it. (Sometimes my mind works like a sieve )

 

[kaws]

No, sex toys are not immoral at all

BUT, there are other things in those stores that are. Even things that encourage homosexual behaviour) However, I doubt seriously this is their real reason. It’s probably a compunding issue. Firstly, it is VITAL to catholics (I am assuming they are catholic?) that they marry IN the church, to another catholic. The fact that you don’t see yourself as “relgious” probably worries them greatly, since religion is a huge issue for marriages, and even moreso for catholics (IMHO). I think they may see your second job as a big sign of the disparity of faith. I think they are genuinely worried about their daughter having a happy marriage free from the enormous strife and heartache that spouses of differing faith have.

Ultimatly, the choice IS up to you and your girlfriend. I don’t think it’s fair to ask her to leave her faith and family to be with you. I also don’t think it’s fair for you to force yourself to act in a way you don’t want to. The decision of faith has to be YOURS. Forcing it will only make YOU miserable, which will hurt her down the road too. But like I said, this is really between you guys. I would spend a lot of time talking to her about this.

My parents have a mixed denominational marriage and they have been happily married for almost 35 years now. It can work.

 

[CWBetts]

My parents have a mixed denominational marriage and they have been happily married for almost 35 years now. It can work.

I must assume there was some compromise? That doesn’t seem likely here

 

[Loren_1of6]

Stevo, the first thing I noticed on this thread was the title: The girlfriend’s parents hate me. I have to say that I hate being referred to as the wife, or the little lady, or even the boss. I personally see it as dehumanizing and objectifying.

This trend is not something that most people take notice of, after all this is the eighty-somethingth response and the first to mention this particular objection. I see it as a product of our society in general and the “adult” industry in particular. By watching “adult” entertainment, we are desensitized to viewing people as a means to satisfy our own desires. By engaging in the use of “marital aids,” we are turning our spouses into objects to satisfy ourselves.

The Catholic view of sexuality is very complex, yet surprisingly simple. We are created in God’s image and God is love, so we are created to love. We are given the ultimate example of God’s love in the crucifixion. God, himself, willing to die in torture so that we can go to Heaven and be with Him. True love is about sacrifice of self. It is about giving oneself completely to another, not about taking whatever one can get from the other.

Others are people for us to love, not objects to use. The place you work and the friends you claim try their hardest to tell you that can use someone else and give you plenty of justifications for doing so. Your girlfriend’s parents have seen that you don’t have a problem with some people using others, and they rightly do not want to see their daughter used instead of loved.

Another thing you said was

however the parents were more than accepting of me prior to being told I worked at adultshop.

The first thing that came into my mind was that Jeffery Dahmer’s neighbors thought he was a nice guy, too, until the police found dead people in his freezer. My point is that we often assume the best of people until we have reason to believe otherwise. Your second job is enough of a reason to them for keeping you away from their precious daughter.

 

[petitfleur]

You said you read through theology- I wasnt talking about regular old Catholic theology I was talking specifically about Theology of the Body. It is actually a book it is about sexuality specifically.

 

[kaws]

I must assume there was some compromise? That doesn’t seem likely here

Well they are both Christian believers in God so there is much common ground right there. My mom agreed that kids would be raised in the Catholic Church (was pretty much a requirement for a Catholic-approved marriage). My Dad was open to my Mom also sharing her religious views and for us to go to church with her as well as to mass. They even for a time helped out the parish by counseling young engaged couples who were from different denominations.

My Dad’s Catholic family were very loving and tolerant towards my mom (although of course they would be thrilled if she converted ) While my mom was pretty strongly Protestant at the time they were married she has actually fallen away from the Presbyterian church. She much more often goes to Mass with my Dad. She still has a few “hang-ups” about some Catholic doctrines, but in many ways she has actually become more “Catholic” in philosophy than my dad. It would not surprise me if at some point she does go through RCIA, although as her mother is pretty anti-Catholic she may be holding back to not offend my grandma.

I agree that there is much less common ground here between Steve and his girlfriend’s parents. Compromise might be possible, but I think would be harder. As far as compromise and common ground between Steve and his girlfriend I’m not sure. I haven’t gotten a very clear picture of where she stands in all of this. Steve’s relationship is between him and his girlfriend, not between Steve and his girlfriend’s parents, but the fact remains that her parents ARE her parents and are an IMPORTANT piece in the larger picture.

 

[Nepenthe]

Exactly. That’s why I was wondering if their parents meeting and getting to know each other might be a help, provided that there aren’t any serious background issues (like say, abusiveness, substance addiction, serial killing, general hateyness) involved, since that way, they wouldn’t see just ‘silly kids doing silly kidstuff’.

At their age, Stevo and his ladylove are NOT kids, but it’s hard for many parents to get used to that idea, and it could just smooth the way a bit!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Good day and GOD bless…Even though the CATHOLIC way of her parent’s thoughts as well as most of our wonderful forum readers have expressed is what you need to do, which is either make the sacrifice of uhm you know not working there any more or the sacrifice of not seeing her again… It’s pretty much the CATHOLIC way of doing things properly and correctly! BUT I can see things in a different perspective, I know how to see things through a different set of eyes and I will try and help you out as much as possible with some sensible advice the best I can…Even if it’s wrong to everyone else and wrong to you, I ask you for your understanding as well as everyone elses…

I was raised with parents/family very strict, I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without my mother being there every 10 mins and I had to take all of my siblings…UNTIL I ran away when I was 18… GOT MARRIED to a man that didn’t care so much for our CATHOLIC beliefs and when I decided I had screwed my life up because I wanted to practice my belief and he didn’t well things got complicated and 10 years later we were divorced and marriage has been annulled… The point is, even though this is soooo not what I have ever wanted to admit, my parents were right…I didn’t like being confined and repressed, and told what to do on a daily basis, what to wear, where to go, how to act, how to dress, how to eat, how to talk, what to study, how to think…I felt like I was stuck in the 1800’s or something… BUT they were doing it for a reason and the reason I now realize.

I am a mother of 3 and even though I am very open with my children, we talk about everything, except sex, they are not ready yet I want my children to be such, CHILDREN not like their friends, esp my daughter’s friends whom at age 10, the age my daughter is now, knew about sex and o’s and condoms and children and everything else… ANYHOW, I am trying to be protective but letting them make their own decisions to an extent and allowing them to learn that from every choice comes a consequence and one they have to face whether bad or good…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Your gf’s parents are trying not to let her go into the whole thing of doing what everyone else is doing, that’s what I ended up doing because “you are a grown woman how could you let mommy and daddy tell you what to do!! If you want to do it do it! Come on everyone does it!!” Kind of thing, eventually that kind of pressure and bad advice of being what everyone else is or trying to be or doing ends up catching up to us and we fall into it… I DID and had sex before marriage with my exhusband, and didn’t get married to the church because “when we have money I want to give you a big CATHOLIC wedding to make you happy!!”

The point is that her parents have their opinions and reasons to not want you in her life. TO ME a job is a job, you are making ends meet as long as your thoughts and your heart is not well into that kind of stuff and you are willing to make an effort in supporting her with her beliefs and being there for her I don’t see a problem…You know the whole getting lost thing…is what they are trying to avoid…

My father once, had a job in a strip joint, he’s a CATHOLIC married to my mother for over 30 years…4 kids, etc… He’s a faithful CATHOLIC and at that time there was no other way of getting a job, he was just a newly arrival in the US, and that’s all that was available…No one judged him for his job, his ways of thinking towars lust was not there, he stuck it out for his family, and as soon as he was able to get enough money to help us get to the US he quit the job with my mom’s help… They worked together and because they were afraid of that lifestyle and influence upon us he quit his job, the rightful thing to do to show my mother and the family that he loved her more than anything and GOD came first and that way of living was not a really good one. Yes it paid the bills but for the respect of the family and FAITH he quit working there as soon as he was able to find something else…better.

So yes, you sound like a great guy, respectful and all but you need to understand that if you want your relationship to get better it’s best to try and keep things at peace with your gfs parents, you do not want to push her away because she one day will need her parents and they will not be there… Not only that but we don’t live very long and for her to be resentful of her parents will cause her the biggest pain when they are gone and she is left without them…One day we are here and the next we are not…It’s like with you, you don’t want your parents to dislike her so don’t do the same with hers…

If you are willing to love her and cherish her, and your intentions, feelings and heart are true, then try and speak with her parents and explain your circumstance, that right now it’s for the time being a small sacrifice for helping a friend, and that’s what CATHOLICS do, try and help others… Let them know it’s a temporary thing, that you are doing this to HELP someone…But as soon as you are able to find a better or other job even if you have to take a pay cut…Believe me, you will get this with 99% of devoted CATHOLIC families…

There are those that are not devoted, and will not really care nor worry, I have a friend who’s careless, has cheated on her husband, divorced him, is out and doing what she wants, she is promiscuous, etc…Her parents are oblivious to all this and think their daughter is 100% pure!! Oh well… She’s the one that will have to face our FATHER in the end…I am not perfect and I have made mistakes, but let me tell you that I know I am trying to be the best I can… and I don’t judge people, I try to put myself in their shoes and see what they might be going through. Even though nothing justifies most of the sins that are committed, there is still the need for comprehension, understanding and hope, and I try to have all of these for those of us whom are trying but failing…

She seems like a good girl, so don’t make things harder for her. I am trying to understand you and your frustration of dealing with her parents.

I am in a situation where my db parents can’t stand me, well his mother…And since I got into a fight with his sister, she’s daddy’s girl now his father is showing me a bit of resentment and attitude even…

Unfortunately you can’t please everyone…AND I don’t intend to…BUT I respect them and I try to show it to them on a daily basis…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Hang in there, be strong and if you are willing to make this relationship work, then be considerate of this girls parents and try to be understanding…Be considerate of her soul and her faith and not push her to something that is not the right way… Try to speak with her and to be there for her, and if she wants to move out let it be because she wants to not because her parents are forcing her or because you are…And try to get out of that place as soon as possible…Temptations occur on a daily basis don’t make it easy for your thoughts to you know, get the chance to be filled of lust, then you will see her through such eyes and things will not get better they will get worst and before you know it premarital sex has occurred and you will be leading this girl on to thinking you will marry her and if you decide she’s not the one, well she will need her parents and it will be hard for them to accept her back the way you leave her… Do you understand? Now I am not saying you will do this, I am saying IF ever, it will not be a happy ending you know?

I know marriages and relationships don’t always work, but the point is that if you are willing to make it work, learn about her FAITH and how to make things better between you and her parents as well as help her make things better for herself with her parents…Relationships are team work and if you are willing then there will always be a way!

If you don’t want to try and don’t want to deal with religion, then do what you must and let her go…

Good luck and GOD bless…Take care and please if you are willing to make things work and if you care about this girl then do what is right, even if it hurts you or if it is a sacrifice for you…

But I can tell you things might actually get better if you try! You don’t lose anything if you try and you might actually learn a lot than you know…

Good luck again!

 

[Nepenthe]

Yeah - 3 years old is a leeeetle early to be imposing sexual roles on people, if it is EVER a good thing! Right now, they have a whole lot more to learn about before all those hormones kick in and complicate matters.

I think all kids should learn both by pedagogy (very intensely too!) and by playing, whether it’s house and dress-up, or construction sets and legos, regardless of their born sex…those are good for everyone to know and enjoy, and to become well rounded, understanding, caring and analytical, creative human adults. So your 3 year old son thinks nifty vintage dresses are neat - well, they are neat, and your three year old daughter wants to build entire miniature working cities and machines - awesome! Let 'em! They’ll have all the more compassion and less alienation from all their peers later on when those crazy secondary sexual characteristics do kick in, and it won’t warp them a bit, at least not from anything I’ve seen, and I have seen plenty. Kids are curious, and that’s how they should be. It makes us human, and there is nothing more wonderful that we can be, if we live it fully, joyfully, and informedly.

 

[iluvmybabies]

The more I think about it …I dont know any parent catholic or not who would be thrilled with the idea of thier daughters BF working in an adult shop. “I am just a nice boy who happens to sell sex toys…” They might not be so vocal about it…but I am sure it would not be welcomed non the less.
How did the parents find out anyway? Did she tell them? If she did what were her motives to tell them? Most kids would hide that from thier parents.

YUP my mother hid that from my grandparents when he first moved to the US and couldn’t get another job but in a strip joint since he was non INGLES speaking…lol… No joking matter though…and when they found out they were like WHAT? But they told them it was a temporary thing and that he was doing it to get his family stable in the US so they were like I don’t know…kind of attitude but he stayed strong and as soon as he was able to he left that job…AND they didn’t even have to tell anyone nor even cared about what anyone would or should say but that’s the whole point of being a CATHOLIC family we try to stick together and love each other you know?! And they wanted a good relationship with both sides of the family so they tried to continuously show respect…

Not only that but my dad had to earn my grandma’s love and it took many many many years, she even went to the wedding and tried to stop it because she didn’t like my dad! Now 30+ years later she states he’s the best that could have ever happened to my mother!! LOL :doh2:

 

[kaws]

Yeah - 3 years old is a leeeetle early to be imposing sexual roles on people, if it is EVER a good thing! Right now, they have a whole lot more to learn about before all those hormones kick in and complicate matters.

I think all kids should learn both by pedagogy (very intensely too!) and by playing, whether it’s house and dress-up, or construction sets and legos, regardless of their born sex…those are good for everyone to know and enjoy, and to become well rounded, understanding, caring and analytical, creative human adults. So your 3 year old son thinks nifty vintage dresses are neat - well, they are neat, and your three year old daughter wants to build entire miniature working cities and machines - awesome! Let 'em! They’ll have all the more compassion and less alienation from all their peers later on when those crazy secondary sexual characteristics do kick in, and it won’t warp them a bit, at least not from anything I’ve seen, and I have seen plenty. Kids are curious, and that’s how they should be. It makes us human, and there is nothing more wonderful that we can be, if we live it fully, joyfully, and informedly.

I could be wrong but I don’t think ILuvMyBabies was talking about imposing sexual roles. I think she was more meaning that she thought they were a little young to be going into too much detail when discussing sex and sexuality. I agree 3 and 6 are a little young. At ten there may be come questions coming up from peers. While it is certainly too young to engage in such activities it might be appropriate to start forming a healthy view of human sexuality (which includes a whole lot more than just merely physical sexual intercourse).

As for as children and roles I agree…I see no problems with little girls playing with LEGOS:thumbsup: or little boys playing with dolls (boys grow up to be daddies too ). I’m not sure I’d encourage cross-dressing but hey there is little harm in children’s innocent imagination.

I think that is deviating from the original intent of this thread though.

 

[joe_clark]

"I’m used to being the ‘boyfriend your mother would love’ type aha… I went to a reasonable school, currently finishing my uni degree and working full-time as a civil engineer earning quite a nice wage here in Australia - I’m polite, well-mannered and fairly nice (and modest too )

now the parents thought this was all great until they were told that I work at ‘adultshop.com’ on the weekends to help out a friend
(to put it simply, its a store that sells lingerie, sex toys, books - as well as some products for sexual education and recovery (for those who have suffered from things such as prostate or other cancers and may be affected in some way)"

Steveo Steveo,… man please wake up and smell the coffee. You are probably a good man with a good heart, but you are mistaken if believe that what you do on the weekeneds for money, will just be blown off by her parents. Your girlfriend may be in love and is willing to overlook what you do, but the parents are not! If I had a daughter, you wouldn’t get anywhere near her for as long as you are employed at the adult shop. This is about many things but her father , this would be a paramount point.

If you are serious about your girlfriend, this is what her parents are also worried about. If I can offer you a small amount of advice:
You marry the girl you marry her family and vice versa. In this senerio, they would also be connected to you and the adult shop.
If you really care about this girl, don’t force her to choose between you and them. We are much more than what we appear to be. Believe in her and yourself. Get another job.

Happy landing!

 

[iluvmybabies]

No, I think you misunderstand me. The fact that he considers “being from a poor public school background” an impediment to dating his daughter reveals a lot. That’s the only thing I’ve commented on.

I don’t criticize the father for his decision; obviously I’m not privy to the full story. I criticize the father for considering being from a poor public school background, whatever that is, to be something to be ashamed of.

Hon every one will always have something to say…I mean seriously! I am educated and come from a wealthy background but since we moved to the USA we are POOR and amongst the poorest around, in everyone’s eyes, wer are the “oh poor people” kind of family. Even though we are educated, and try to be well with our FAITH, etc…We are still the “poor” ones…just because financially we are not earning 100 grand a year…

And even though it’s not right to be judged over that, people will criticize and say what they feel and want, just brush it off your shoulders…It’s not a big deal…

I have a good friend whom doesn’t believe in GOD, but is married to a religious woman, they have their hard times, but then again whom doesn’t, but he supports her in her beliefs at all times…He was raised poorly too, she wasn’t. Her parents weren’t all that happy with him but he’s there for her, takes care of her and loves her and treats her well, and he respects them and supports her in her religious beliefs so they accepted him and are now more than happy for her…

 

[Nepenthe]

Yeah, I didn’t think luvmy was getting at that either, I was just using it as a segue (forgive me, luvmy, was a little cheap, but not in any way meant with malice!).

Just that, well, life goes on, and works out, sometimes you just got to let it ride, was really all I meant. And if you can make that ride less likely to produce saddlesores, all the better!