The girlfriend's parents hate me

[Stevo_87]

Hello all,

I have a bit of a scenario I’m stuck in that I would like to hear some catholic viewpoints on.

I’m 21, my girlfriend is just about to turn 20
I am not religious, she is from a Catholic background (her parents are very strict catholics - her, not so much)

We have been dating for a couple of months now, however we have recently encountered a problem; her parents do not approve of me at all.

I’m used to being the ‘boyfriend your mother would love’ type aha… I went to a reasonable school, currently finishing my uni degree and working full-time as a civil engineer earning quite a nice wage here in Australia - I’m polite, well-mannered and fairly nice (and modest too )

now the parents thought this was all great until they were told that I work at ‘adultshop.com’ on the weekends to help out a friend
(to put it simply, its a store that sells lingerie, sex toys, books - as well as some products for sexual education and recovery (for those who have suffered from things such as prostate or other cancers and may be affected in some way)

They say this is against their family morals and that they do not want their daughter dating me. The mother refused to speak to me at all whilst I was at their house and the father sat me down and had a bit of a chat with me about how I should ‘not bother seeing her again’

It seems to me though that the problem runs deeper and they are also concerned because their daughter (who is the eldest) is getting to the age where she is going out socialising frequently, out to clubs and pubs and not spending as much time at home - I would think they are a bit concerned they are losing their (scarily tight) grip on their daughter

I would like to hear your opinions on what you think of the situation and how much the fact that I work there changes things?
I understand where they are coming from, however the thing that annoys me is that they thought I was great and were quite welcoming of me for weeks UNTIL they found out this information about my second job)
Unfortunately they have been rather rude to me lately and it has been rather frustrating trying to get them on-side, its getting to the point where she is about to be kicked out of home for siding with me (which may not be such a bad thing for her, she has had a rather restricted childhood and upbringing (in my opinion) and is only now finally starting to live her own life and make her own decisions)

Thanks,
Steve

 

[Joan_M]

Gee, Steve. You say you are not religious and then you tell us you work selling immoral stuff - sex toys etc. And you wonder why her parents don’t want you around? You are a danger to their daughter.

Apparently, you do not see anything wrong with yourself, but any good parents would.

You are a bad influence on this girl. Either change your ways or get out of her life.

 

[Stevo_87]

Sex toys are immoral?
I was under the impression that they could be used as a ‘marital aid’ provided intercourse still took place…procreation…blah blah etc etc

but hey, I’m not religious so I wouldnt know…

Well its interesting to see your opinion… a few more ‘constructive’’ responses from people wouldn’t go astray

 

[Eucharisted]

If you love this girl, you’ll change for her sake. You’re in my prayers.

 

[petitfleur]

What kind of answer were you expecting from a Catholic forum???
I think that the fact you cant see why this is disagreeable is the biggest problem here. I would object if you were dateing one of my three daughters.

 

[petitfleur]

I forgot to mention you might want to look into theology of the body and learn how much we Catholics value sex and the sacredness of it.

 

[Stevo_87]

What kind of answer were you expecting from a Catholic forum???
I think that the fact you cant see why this is disagreeable is the biggest problem here. I would object if you were dateing one of my three daughters.

The ‘other point of view’ so to speak.

I understand exactly why someone from a Catholic background would find this line of work disagreeable… although most of my younger Catholic friends have a bit of an open mind when it comes to this situation.

Its fine with me if the parents object, but to actually BAN her from seeing me again is taking it a step too far - she is almost twenty and it is her choice in the end, I understand they are trying to protect their daughter but there is a certain point where you have to let go and trust that you have instilled the correct values in someone and believe in their judgement

 

[Seatuck]

Well, what has your girlfriend said she wants to do?

I’d have to counsel my daughter not to see you anymore based on the little info here. I’m hoping my daughter will date and marry a faithful Catholic. Or at least a Christian who respects the faith very much.

 

[petitfleur]

Again, please read Theology of the body…you might understand better thier feelings. You completly ignored that advise.

 

[DJgang]

If you care for her, you’ll stop working at the adult shop.

Bottom line.

Don’t blame the parents, they are entitled to their opinion, just as you are entitled to yours.

I agree with another poster, you really should read theology of the body and see the sacredness of sex. Maybe that’s what her parents are so worried about.

 

[Stevo_87]

Well, what has your girlfriend said she wants to do?

I’d have to counsel my daughter not to see you anymore based on the little info here. I’m hoping my daughter will date and marry a faithful Catholic. Or at least a Christian who respects the faith very much.

My girlfriend is very upset over the level of control her parents currently have over her. She does not really have any other religious friends and is finding that she is being held back to the point where she is becoming ‘socially retarded’ for want of a better term.
In my city in Australia here I would say that Catholicism and religion in general are nowhere near as prevalent as they are in America.

Whilst raised in a Catholic environment, she is certainly not 100% devoted to the beliefs that her parents hold… which makes it a bit of an interesting situation I suppose as her beliefs to not reflect those of her parents

 

[Stevo_87]

If you care for her, you’ll stop working at the adult shop.

And in what way would I have to change?

Giving up this job doesn’t change who I am, what my morals are and what I value in life.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs, I have no problem with that - however the parents were more than accepting of me prior to being told I worked at adultshop.

I just started working there to help out a friend who was desperate for staff over the weekends, to me its just another retail job (in much the same way I was selling printers, scanners and such beforehand part-time)…so I’m kind of regretting that decision now… but I can’t go back and change it

As for the theology of the body, yes I will have a read…

 

[ellabelle]

I can understand what your saying about her making her own decisions but if she choose’s you to rebel against her parents your relationship wont last long. You are only young and you might be together for a while but her parents will be there for her forever.

If your really intrested in this girl then why not rethink this second job? You sound like you have a great and succesful future ahead of you and this adult shop job isnt really in line with that anyway. And if you give it up, sit down with her parents and explain that you have and that you care about their daughter and whats best for her which doesnt seperate her from her family

And i know your both young (as am I) and probably want to go to pubs etc but why not spend some time at her place watching some dvd’s or dinner with the parents? Doesnt have to be every saturday night or anything but they might get to know you better.

And seriously read an introduction to theology by christopher west, im not religious but i was introduced to it by my boyfriend and its amazing stuff. I had never heard of anybody saying anything like that before its full on at first when your not used to hearing it but it will help you understand the sacredness of the body and sex, which will help you understand why her parents feel the way they do about the adults shops.

this is just my advise but you know your situation best, good luck

 

[Seatuck]

My girlfriend is very upset over the level of control her parents currently have over her. She does not really have any other religious friends and is finding that she is being held back to the point where she is becoming ‘socially retarded’ for want of a better term.
In my city in Australia here I would say that Catholicism and religion in general are nowhere near as prevalent as they are in America.

Whilst raised in a Catholic environment, she is certainly not 100% devoted to the beliefs that her parents hold… which makes it a bit of an interesting situation I suppose as her beliefs to not reflect those of her parents

I would really suggest you seriously study Theology of the Body or a Christopher West study of it if you truly want to know where her parents are coming from or a parent like me is coming from.

You should also be alert to the fact that your girlfriend seems to be looking for a reason to rebel against her family and you are looking like a good excuse. Watch that. This might have more to do with her exerting her adult rights more than how valuable she thinks you are. Make sure you really want to be the thing that gets between a girl and her family. Try to figure out what the long term consequences of that would be.

 

[Stevo_87]

I can understand what your saying about her making her own decisions but if she choose’s you to rebel against her parents your relationship wont last long. You are only young and you might be together for a while but her parents will be there for her forever.

If your really intrested in this girl then why not rethink this second job? You sound like you have a great and succesful future ahead of you and this adult shop job isnt really in line with that anyway. And if you give it up, sit down with her parents and explain that you have and that you care about their daughter and whats best for her which doesnt seperate her from her family

And i know your both young (as am I) and probably want to go to pubs etc but why not spend some time at her place watching some dvd’s or dinner with the parents? Doesnt have to be every saturday night or anything but they might get to know you better.

And seriously read an introduction to theology by christopher west, im not religious but i was introduced to it by my boyfriend and its amazing stuff. I had never heard of anybody saying anything like that before its full on at first when your not used to hearing it but it will help you understand the sacredness of the body and sex, which will help you understand why her parents feel the way they do about the adults shops.

this is just my advise but you know your situation best, good luck

Thanks for the reply, good to see some decent feedback in a response

I’m not asking her to run away with me or anything aha (trying to get between her and her parents would not be a very smart move), but I do feel her parents attempts at shielding her (from life in general, not me) are not beneficial to anyone - they really need to have a bit more faith in their daughter and let her get out and experience the real world… anyway enough of that though

I would love to sit back and watch DVDs and stay home a bit more, however her parents refused to see me initially and I am not welcome in their home…
After much prompting from my girlfriend they finally agreed to invite me over for dinner, however the mother then refused to serve me dinner; shortly followed by the father taking me outside to have a bit of a chat to me about how he didn’t want ‘someone from a poor background who attended a public school’ dating his daughter

I often wonder how she turned out so normal

ahah seriously though, thanks

 

[Jacob21]

If you love this girl, you’ll change for her sake. You’re in my prayers.

-Agree

If you care for her, you’ll stop working at the adult shop.

Bottom line.

Don’t blame the parents, they are entitled to their opinion, just as you are entitled to yours.

I agree with another poster, you really should read theology of the body and see the sacredness of sex. Maybe that’s what her parents are so worried about.

-Agree

Now I could continue to copy and paste every other message in this thread, but I think I got the point across. Her parents have every right to their opinion, as well as not wanting you to date their daughter. I would not want someone who works at an “adultshop” to date my daughter. Now I’m not trying to personally attack you, I’m just saying what I believe.
Your place of employment can lead to occasions of sin, and cause scandal. Think of it this way, heres a little analogy that I read somewhere (here I believe). Sorry If I quote it wrong.

A guy finally is able to buy an expensive sports car, the car that he’s been dreaming about for years. He takes care of it, waxes it, washes it everyday. Only uses the best gasoline, parks it in the last spot to aviod it being scratched. So one day, a random guy comes along, and says “hey I really like your car, I’m a good driver” can I take it for a spin? What are you going to say? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! So why should her parents, who have taken care of her, love her more than anyone could love anything, allow her to go off with a guy that works at an adultshop? Not to compare women to cars or anything. Just an analogy I read and liked. God Bless,
Jacob

 

[petitfleur]

The more I think about it …I dont know any parent catholic or not who would be thrilled with the idea of thier daughters BF working in an adult shop. “I am just a nice boy who happens to sell sex toys…” They might not be so vocal about it…but I am sure it would not be welcomed non the less.
How did the parents find out anyway? Did she tell them? If she did what were her motives to tell them? Most kids would hide that from thier parents.

 

[1ke]

It is always difficult to carry forward in a relationship where there is animosity from one or both families. This is unwise whether the source of this dislike is racial, religious, ethnic, character, or otherwise and regardless of whether the animosity is justified or not.

Being older than you, and therefore having MANY friends married into families that dislike the spouse or just having a crazy, controling parent-- I can tell you purusing this is a BAD IDEA. When you go into a marriage thinking the family will “come around” you end up cutting parents off, enduring abuse, or placing children in a tug-of-war. And, while she is just a “girlfriend” now, the purpose of dating is to find out if you are compatible for marriage. And, once you find you are not… well…

Secondly, it is unwise to pursue a relationship where you have substantial differences in faith, morals, values, and vision of marriage. A “non-religious” person and a practicing Catholic are a poor match for building a future together. Your girlfriend sounds like she may be spreading her wings now and “testing” the waters, but **most **(not all) women tend to return to their faith and roots when they (a) get married and/or (b) have their first child. So, don’t think that any perceived “lax” approach to her religion will last long-term.

As to your part-time job, we are NOT naive people here. We certainly know you do not restrict the selling of these items to “be used as a ‘marital aid’ provided intercourse still took place…procreation… blah blah blah”. You are selling them to anyone who puts their money on the counter. And, not all moral theologians agree that these types of things are in conformity with objective moral criteria. So, of course there is objection to the industry and your job. As for legitimate medical books for prostate cancer-- that’s available on Amazon.com.

And, lastly, I think the parents were uncharitable and are handling the situation poorly. Clearly they never read Romeo and Juliette.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You’ve done nothing but criticize the family and their child-rearing and their morals, defending your own. And you don’t think they are smart enough to pick up on your contempt?

Since you don’t know what it is to spend your life raising a daughter and wanting the best for her, please don’t judge adults who have done that. 20 is not that old. No, I guess they don’t trust her judgment yet. Her choice of someone who views her family with contempt is exhibit A of that.

I"m with the other posters… you are her tool to poke a stick in her parents’ eye. The little rebel. How unique. Not a cliche at all.

What your job means to them: A. You will do anything for money.
B. If you had standards, you are willing to violate them for money. C. You don’t have standards.

Take your pick. None of them is flattering.

It’s like saying, “I work in a dirty bookstore. Her family used to like me till they found that out. Pox upon them!”

Same attitude.

25 years from now, you may be in their shoes. So try and view this through adult eyes. Not adult toy store eyes.

 

[ellabelle]

That does sound like a hard situation

I do agree in some part about sheltering people too much. Only because in my experience the one’s who are brought up too strictly and without any real explanation as to why those rules are in place seem to rebel in a BIG way and end up with trouble in their lives. DONT be her way out or her way to **** of her parents, as she does seem to be agreeing with you from your posts.

Maybe they will come around if you give up the job and continue to make an effort??

Dont let anyone (christian or not) put you down for your background (which you can hardly be blamed for at only 21). They are probably only saying it to get you away from their daughter and they are obviously worried. They can not judge you for how much money your parents had or whether you went to a public school! You are working on a degree at university regardless of what they think of your background so be proud of that and tell them so.

If she really wants nothing of her family’s beliefs (and trust me she may go back to the church eventually) then dont be the person her family see’s as encouraging it. If you can help it but they may see you as the cause anyway. If its coming from her and has nothing to do with you they need to see that. And if she is not sure what she thinks she may still be finding her way and thats why her parents are worried about your influence. You will probably have to prove to them that you wont be a bad influence.

How you do that will be up to your actions

Good luck to all of you