The mother who regrets having children

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TheRealJuliane said:
and because what is on the internet exists forever, they WILL read her words. Just imagine.

As a matter of fact, she may end up getting her wish not to have children. They may disown HER.

😦

Edited: Sorry, I thought this woman had younger children. I do suspect her declared lack of love for them will come as no surprise to either of her children. Very narcissistic.
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Yeah, I didn’t mean to mislead by calling them “kids” since they are in fact grown up now. But I think it will still be very emotionally damaging for them to read this. I’m 29 and it would bowl me over if one of my parents wrote this. There’s now research showing that divorce has a huge impact on the children of the divorcing couple, even if the children are already grown up. So I would think something like this would affect them too.

Even if I had already known how they feel I would be ticked that they posted it on the internet (and with pictures of me!) for the whole world to see. Maybe she asked their permission–but I still think it’s terrible. Keep your dirty laundry to yourself lady…talk to a therapist or at least use a pen name.
 
styrgwillidar said:
And she may actually have been a great mom, but always been hyper-critical of herself. Anything less than ‘perfection’’, whatever that is- to her was a complete failure.
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Yep I think she might not have been so unhappy if she hadn’t tried to be so perfect. Sure I doubt that would have made her thrilled that she had kids but maybe there would have been less regret.
 
I do agree this woman should have used a penname. But then again we might not know the whole story here. It is possible that her kids knew all this before hand and she spoke with them and her husband before making all this public. I think given the reactions she is getting it takes a lot of courage to admit the things she has. It is easy to come out and say you enjoy being a parent not so easy to come out and admit you don’t
 
Calliso said:
Yep I think she might not have been so unhappy if she hadn’t tried to be so perfect. Sure I doubt that would have made her thrilled that she had kids but maybe there would have been less regret.
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Really good points. It’s interesting that she attacks working mothers when in fact that may have been a really good option for her if she had maintained an open mind about it.
 
Schieffelin said:
Really good points. It’s interesting that she attacks working mothers when in fact that may have been a really good option for her if she had maintained an open mind about it.
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She also seems to hold a grudge against those mothers she encountered that were actually enjoying motherhood.

I could appreciate her point of view more if she hadn’t attacked mothers that chose differently than her. After all, wasn’t that the point in her writing the article, to make others aware that some women see motherhood differently? So why the need to attack mothers that worked or were happy in being a parent?
 
When I read this story, I thought it was sad.
It crossed my mind that she may have written it because the daughter is now bed-ridden with MS. She said, “Like parasites, they took from me and didn’t give back.” Now it has become clear that her daughter will not be able to care for her in her old age and indeed will not “give back.” I feel very sorry for the daughter.I would hate to be in her position, depending on someone who has always resented caring for me.
 
PatriceA said:
She also seems to hold a grudge against those mothers she encountered that were actually enjoying motherhood.

I could appreciate her point of view more if she hadn’t attacked mothers that chose differently than her. After all, wasn’t that the point in her writing the article, to make others aware that some women see motherhood differently? So why the need to attack mothers that worked or were happy in being a parent?
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Agreed. It’s bizarre that she’s so judgmental given what she’s writing about.
 
I think that her honesty is refreshing. I would be willing to bet many women feel like that but never reveal it because there is such a stigma against not being a mommy type. If I were one of those women I would probably read this and be relieved that I could be a good mother, I could love my kids, and I could keep my family together even if I wished I’d never been a mom in the first place.
 
Her husband married her thinking that she would change. That really was not fair to her, nor to himself or their children. People are not what they ought to be…none of us are. We are what we are, and while we can hope that we all want to be more saintly and that those of us who want to work to change into more saintly creatures will make some progress over the course of a lifetime, we are foolish to make life plans by pretending that we are what someone who loves us hopes we will one day be, or that someone we love is what we might hope her to be. There is enough time to live that when it actually happens. In the meantime, there has to be a plan for what is to be done if that day never comes or, as sometimes happens, if the person we had hoped would get better actually grows worse.

She did well to publish her story as a cautionary tale, but it would have been kinder to her children if she had done so anonymously. Nobody deserves to be “outed” as a child his mother did not want and whose upbringing was resented. The children didn’t ask for that, and they ought not have to have been subjected to it.

As for whether it is “awful” to feel that way, some generous-hearted people do not have a heart for children or the demands of family life. I know a religious sister who knew very early in her childhood in a big family with a wonderful mother that a mother’s life was not for her. That is OK. What is not OK is trying to fit every person into the same mold, as if every person destined to become a saint is going to get there in the same way. Some people are moral and learn to act in generous ways, but do not do so because they have the gift of emotional connection to others. They can’t help that, they can’t be blamed for it, and it doesn’t do a lot of good to pity them for it. A blind man doesn’t need pity, but help getting around in a world geared towards those who see. The same is true of someone who doesn’t connect with children or even with humanity in general. They need help and understanding of what they are and are not capable of, but not pity. The unscrupulous will use pity about their condition to manipulate those who offer pity, while those who are decent have no use for it. As for help and empathy, well, we all need that. The only difference among us is that some of us need help and empathy of a different sort, that’s all.
 
This article has really got me thinking. And sadly, I remembered hearing women who told me their children knew if they had to do it over again they would never had kids. I think perhaps it is putting unfair blame on the kids instead of taking responsibilities for you actions.

I have often heard women say ‘I choose family over career’. These were mainly women from the generation where very few moms worked outside the home until the kids where older. Also, times were different and the resources for moms to upgrade their skills were not available.

However IMO if that is a choice they make, they should do it with a big smile on their faces. It sounds to me like this woman for whatever reason at some point decided to put family before career and now that she sees the next generation of moms being able to have both, she has sour grapes. It sounds like a refusal to take responsibility for her actions.

Just my theory
 
Does anyone else think it’s really creepy that she met her husband when she was 12 and he was 16??? A 16 year old was interested in a 12 year old child?? There’s so much wrong in this story, one hardly knows what to say.

The story about when her 1st baby was born with the cord around his neck and she didn’t care, wasn’t worried and didn’t ask about him; the story of how she left both baby and dog at the shops and came home without them, and her first thought was that the dog was missing, not that she had walked home without her baby! :eek:

There’s some serious dysfunction going on.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Does anyone else think it’s really creepy that she met her husband when she was 12 and he was 16??? A 16 year old was interested in a 12 year old child?? There’s so much wrong in this story, one hardly knows what to say.

The story about when her 1st baby was born with the cord around his neck and she didn’t care, wasn’t worried and didn’t ask about him; the story of how she left both baby and dog at the shops and came home without them, and her first thought was that the dog was missing, not that she had walked home without her baby! :eek:

There’s some serious dysfunction going on.
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The Queen started showing an interest in Phillip of Greece when she was 13 and he was 18, and he showed and interest in her and her sister, too. It doesn’t mean they actually started an adult courtship at that time! In their cases, they were distant cousins and members of a very small social class, people who were destined to be contemporaries in adulthood, going to the same weddings and caring about the same set of other people for the rest of their lives. That much, they knew. This also happens to people whose parents are life-long friends or whose families are both important in the same social circles.

It is possible for a young man in that kind of circumstance to think a girl too young for him to date as still worthy of his notice as a person. In the usual course of things, he’ll take an interest in who she finally dates and marries, when she has children, and that kind of thing, but won’t really expect that she’ll grow up to date him.

As for her emotional disconnect with her child, that may be a psychological issue with her that is quite beyond her control. You can’t manufacture feelings; that is the whole point of what she’s saying. That does not mean that people who do not have the feelings cannot do their duties even better than those who have deep feelings but who do not have the self-mastery to do the duties that emotion is there to help them to want to do. After all, which is worse: I always took tender care of my children, even though I didn’t feel a thing for them, or I always felt a very deep connection to my children, and I always let them know that, even though they couldn’t count on me to do the fundamental duties that were mine as their mother. I’m not so sure that the children of the dutiful mother wouldn’t feel as secure as the ones who are always declaring their feelings, if not more so.
 
SamH said:
I can’t believe you read that story and used the word unselfish to descibe her.
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I stand by what I wrote.

She selflessly gave her husband the children he desired when she could have selfishly refused to have any!

She selflessly did what she thought was best by being a stay at home mother (which is lauded here on this forum) rather than doing what she though was selfish (going back into the workforce). It sounds like she is guilty of nothing more than not having “motherly inclinations” and being somewhat emotionally distant from her children - something men have done for centuries (millennia???) without being completely torn apart by others - and not a reason to call her emotionally abusive to her children!

Now that her adult daughter is bed-bound, she selflessly cares for her daughter instead of selfishly shipping her off to a home to be cared for by others. She said, “if I could have MS instead of her, I gladly would”. She would "do anything to relieve her [daughter’s] suffering," and "will care for her as long as I ] am able." This doesn’t sound selfish at all.

Does this woman have some sort of mental health issue? Possibly, but none of us here are qualified to make such a diagnosis on a forum after reading a newspaper article. Why malign her character in such a way? Yes, she made mistakes while raising her children, but doesn’t everyone? Or are people on this forum such wonderful parents that they never make any mistakes raising their children? I guess I look for the good in others and don’t automatically assign nefarious motives to their actions when they don’t live up to our “ideal”. 🤷

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I think she did her best, but there are signs that she did affect her children. For example, her daughter once pointed out to her that she never said “I love you”. Kids don’t say that unless they are wondering the truth. Also, as she admits, her daughter having the same attitude about children is probably a result of her own attitudes about children.

I’m also not so sure that her son was not affected. I couldn’t help but notice that his wife is 4 years older than him. Now, I realize that is not a gigantic age gap, but it is enough (esp. where he is the man) to make me wonder if he was subconsciously looking for the mother he never had (sort of like when they say women who go for much older men tend to have “daddy issues”). I also think the fact that he asked her if she would like to be a granny and was not surprised when she said “no” indicates that he knows she is not a motherly type.
 
Catholic_Wife said:
I say, God bless her! May her husband bless her for giving him the children he desired! May her children bless her for unselfishly cooperating in giving them life and loving them through her actions despite her feelings!
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👍 agreed
 
Some people here are being a little too quick to judge IMHO.

There actually is a very real psychological disorder where a mother is unable to feel connected to her child. I don’t remember what this disorder is called, but it isn’t something a woman has control over, and there have been cases where the mother will kill or abandon her child. 😦
 
Catholic_Wife said:
I stand by what I wrote.

She selflessly gave her husband the children he desired when she could have selfishly refused to have any!

She selflessly did what she thought was best by being a stay at home mother (which is lauded here on this forum) rather than doing what she though was selfish (going back into the workforce). It sounds like she is guilty of nothing more than not having “motherly inclinations” and being somewhat emotionally distant from her children - something men have done for centuries (millennia???) without being completely torn apart by others - and not a reason to call her emotionally abusive to her children!

Now that her adult daughter is bed-bound, she selflessly cares for her daughter instead of selfishly shipping her off to a home to be cared for by others. She said, “if I could have MS instead of her, I gladly would”. She would "do anything to relieve her [daughter’s] suffering," and "will care for her as long as I ] am able." This doesn’t sound selfish at all.

Does this woman have some sort of mental health issue? Possibly, but none of us here are qualified to make such a diagnosis on a forum after reading a newspaper article. Why malign her character in such a way? Yes, she made mistakes while raising her children, but doesn’t everyone? Or are people on this forum such wonderful parents that they never make any mistakes raising their children? I guess I look for the good in others and don’t automatically assign nefarious motives to their actions when they don’t live up to our “ideal”. 🤷

[/unsubscribing]
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👍👍👍
 
I know what its like to have a mother that doesn’t want you. You always know. You can just tell. Even though I’m in my 30’s I still can’t get past feeling like its my fault, that somehow I did something to make her not love me (I love you but I don’t want you is just a load of BS).

Those of you defending this woman, can you honestly say you know what it is like to live with a mother like this? Do you have any idea psychological damage it does? Even when you knew all along, to hear them say it is still like a dagger to the heart. You hoped you were wrong, but you weren’t.

I wasn’t planning on posting on this thread, but reading people lauding her was more than I can take. If you think she’s so great, come live my life and see how you like it.
 
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