The mother who regrets having children

[PatriceA]

Some people here are being a little too quick to judge IMHO.

There actually is a very real psychological disorder where a mother is unable to feel connected to her child. I don’t remember what this disorder is called, but it isn’t something a woman has control over, and there have been cases where the mother will kill or abandon her child.

What I see is that the people in this thread that have had the experience of having children of their own are saying there is something not quite right with this woman’s situation. The author was quick to say she didn’t suffer from PPD. What I didn’t see was a mother that sought out any kind of medical attention or counseling at the time she didn’t feel anything when one of her children was in danger right after birth, nor when she left her child and the dog at the store. My husband was the one that was quick to point out that I was suffering from PPD right after giving birth to my daughter. Seems there was no one in this woman’s life to say perhaps at least rule out that there isn’t something else at play here other than this woman just never felt a maternal attachment to her children. What if there was a psychological disorder or medical condition at play in this woman’s life and intervention of some sort would have altered her past experiences of motherhood?

 

[Debora123]

I know what its like to have a mother that doesn’t want you. You always know. You can just tell. Even though I’m in my 30’s I still can’t get past feeling like its my fault, that somehow I did something to make her not love me (I love you but I don’t want you is just a load of BS).

Those of you defending this woman, can you honestly say you know what it is like to live with a mother like this? Do you have any idea psychological damage it does? Even when you knew all along, to hear them say it is still like a dagger to the heart. You hoped you were wrong, but you weren’t.

I wasn’t planning on posting on this thread, but reading people lauding her was more than I can take. If you think she’s so great, come live my life and see how you like it.

It sounds like she has a psychological disorder and did her best as a mom and raised her children well. It was her cross to carry, and as far as I can tell she picked it up and carried it. Not sure what else to say.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

It sounds like she has a psychological disorder and did her best as a mom and raised her children well. It was her cross to carry, and as far as I can tell she picked it up and carried it. Not sure what else to say.

I do think she did her best, but kids do pick up on that stuff. Any parent with a psychological disorder will affect their kids, whether they want to or not.

 

[Debora123]

I do think she did her best, but kids do pick up on that stuff. Any parent with a psychological disorder will affect their kids, whether they want to or not.

…And I am sure every single parent on this earth has, in some way, effected their children in some sort of negative way due to humanity’s fallen nature. That’s just a fact of life… none of us are perfect.

 

[aloe]

Being a mother has been the source of my biggest joy; biggest blessing in my life. Tragic she will miss out on that intense in depth wonderful loving connection when it is all around her.

 

[silentfactor80]

…And I am sure every single parent on this earth has, in some way, effected their children in some sort of negative way due to humanity’s fallen nature. That’s just a fact of life… none of us are perfect.

Yeah but some negative ways hurt more than others and some cause more damage than others. This ladies words were a dagger to the heart. Not just some idiotic quirkiness or bad habit. I don’t think you can just rip someone’s heart out and say “oh sorry I am not perfect.”

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I know what its like to have a mother that doesn’t want you. You always know. You can just tell. Even though I’m in my 30’s I still can’t get past feeling like its my fault, that somehow I did something to make her not love me (I love you but I don’t want you is just a load of BS).

Those of you defending this woman, can you honestly say you know what it is like to live with a mother like this? Do you have any idea psychological damage it does? Even when you knew all along, to hear them say it is still like a dagger to the heart. You hoped you were wrong, but you weren’t.

I wasn’t planning on posting on this thread, but reading people lauding her was more than I can take. If you think she’s so great, come live my life and see how you like it.

Thank you for posting this. I think many people DON’T understand, and you obviously do. Just the fact this this woman would allow the article to be written and published in a national newspaper shows how disgusting she is. She is, IMO, quite prideful about her own lack of caring about her children. How awful for her son to read that his own mum left him outside a store, and thought first about THE DOG when she realized there was a problem! Of course, perhaps she has related this story to him many times as he grew up, which would get the message across very clearly, “I couldn’t have cared less about you, but I would have missed the dog tremendously.” Very very sick and narcissistic to say such things IN A NATIONAL and actually, worldwide publication.

I am going to pray for her son and daughter.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

…And I am sure every single parent on this earth has, in some way, effected their children in some sort of negative way due to humanity’s fallen nature. That’s just a fact of life… none of us are perfect.

No, none of us are perfect, but most of us take our failures to the confessional, and don’t go to a national newspaper and proudly recall stories of when we left our baby at the store and went home, and missed the DOG first.

 

[GraceSofia]

I know what its like to have a mother that doesn’t want you. You always know. You can just tell. Even though I’m in my 30’s I still can’t get past feeling like its my fault, that somehow I did something to make her not love me (I love you but I don’t want you is just a load of BS).

Those of you defending this woman, can you honestly say you know what it is like to live with a mother like this? Do you have any idea psychological damage it does? Even when you knew all along, to hear them say it is still like a dagger to the heart. You hoped you were wrong, but you weren’t.

I wasn’t planning on posting on this thread, but reading people lauding her was more than I can take. If you think she’s so great, come live my life and see how you like it.

I also know what it is like. The mother-child bond is the most deep-seated, ancient, primal human connection, and when it is not there, it is a great emptiness. There is something unnatural, and profoundly sad, when this most basic of instincts is lacking, and the reverberations in the hearts of all those affected lasts for a long, long time.

 

[LilyM]

Thank you for posting this. I think many people DON’T understand, and you obviously do. Just the fact this this woman would allow the article to be written and published in a national newspaper shows how disgusting she is. She is, IMO, quite prideful about her own lack of caring about her children. How awful for her son to read that his own mum left him outside a store, and thought first about THE DOG when she realized there was a problem! Of course, perhaps she has related this story to him many times as he grew up, which would get the message across very clearly, “I couldn’t have cared less about you, but I would have missed the dog tremendously.” Very very sick and narcissistic to say such things IN A NATIONAL and actually, worldwide publication.

I am going to pray for her son and daughter.

My parents left my older sister at a piano lesson - and completely forgot to pick her up for hours. Even when my sister called, saying her name, Dad assumed it was one of her friends and assured her that she (the sister who was calling) was in bed asleep.

A note of explanation - parents had five children under the age of nine, both worked very hard full-time as doctors and Mum was up delivering babies most nights to boot.

The story has frequently been retold - but not at all in the sense of ‘we hated you so much we totally forgot where we’d left you’. It is quite obvious from how much they have both done for all of us over the years that they care deeply for us. It is just one of those silly (and in fact very funny) things that happen when parents are overworked and running on zero sleep.

I don’t think that having lots of warm fuzzy feelings for your child is any more a prerequisite for good parenting than having lots of warm fuzzy feelings for a boyfriend is a prerequisite for a good marriage. Some of the worst relationships that I know, both parental and romantic, are ones where strong feelings are professed, and are completely allowed to overrule all good sense.

 

[Ms_Manners]

Since she speaks of sacrifices she made, she could have made another and kept the article to herself. If it were published in a paper with a better reputation or some psychology journal, she could say she didn’t know how it would come out. I understand that she needed to speak to someone after so many years, but maybe she should have tried with therapy first.
Not just the article, the whole thing… Kids know how their parents feel (or don’t feel), and that is something you can’t improvise. You can do everything else right, but the scientific approach doesn’t work with raising kids.
In so many ways, she also sacrificed her children, and that is not what a good mother does.

 

[GraceSofia]

Since she speaks of sacrifices she made, she could have made another and kept the article to herself.

Amen to that!

 

[Sarcelle]

I say, God bless her! May her husband bless her for giving him the children he desired! May her children bless her for unselfishly cooperating in giving them life and loving them through her actions despite her feelings!

I agree. Love is not about squishy and gushy feelings. It is about the will despite one’s feelings. My own parents have told me frankly that had they had to do it all over again, they would not have gotten married and had kids. Frankly I understand.

 

[Sarcelle]

I know what its like to have a mother that doesn’t want you. You always know. You can just tell. Even though I’m in my 30’s I still can’t get past feeling like its my fault, that somehow I did something to make her not love me (I love you but I don’t want you is just a load of BS).

Those of you defending this woman, can you honestly say you know what it is like to live with a mother like this? Do you have any idea psychological damage it does? Even when you knew all along, to hear them say it is still like a dagger to the heart. You hoped you were wrong, but you weren’t.

I wasn’t planning on posting on this thread, but reading people lauding her was more than I can take. If you think she’s so great, come live my life and see how you like it.

We aren’t lauding her for hating her children. We are lauding her for the fact that in spite of her feelings she took care of her children to the best of her ability.

Yes I do know how it is to have a mother who would rather not have kids. Yet in spite of her feelings my mother sacrificed her career to care for us as a stay at home mom. She has told us frankly that if given a chance to go back and live her life over again she would not have married and had children.

 

[BettyBoop416]

I stand by what I wrote.

I’m standing with you.

 

[Debora123]

No, none of us are perfect, but most of us take our failures to the confessional, and don’t go to a national newspaper and proudly recall stories of when we left our baby at the store and went home, and missed the DOG first.

Here you are assuming she’s “proud” of her shortcomings, and is flaunting them out of pride. Why would you assume that? Seems like the least logical motive to me.

Perhaps she was just sharing her story, her struggles, and her views on the unconditional responsibilities of motherhood. At least that’s what I got from it.

I just think we should be more charitable in our assumptions here, if we are to make them at all.

 

[Debora123]

Yeah but some negative ways hurt more than others and some cause more damage than others.

Sure, but none of us here know her children. Judging from the article, it sounds like they are doing just fine. It sounds like she raised good children, not children who are damaged. So I’m not sure why you’d insinuate that she caused so much damage to her children as a mother.

 

[Debora123]

I agree. Love is not about squishy and gushy feelings. It is about the will despite one’s feelings.

exactly

 

[Litcrit]

From what I’ve read in the article, she didn’t get a gush of feelings the moment her babies were born, but she did slowly learn to love them very much as she consistently cared for them. She says so herself, and there’s no reason not to believe her.

Most really bad parents that I know of, who were very narcissistic and unable to love their children, always made sure everyone around them knew just how wonderful they were and how much their children were wuuuved.

I was confused for so long because I knew and felt my narcissistic parents didn’t really love me, but there were these histrionic displays of care and affection, especially in front of strangers to be impressed, and doubting that they were the best most loving parents parents ever was a crime I was too afraid to commit until recently.

While I’m sure it would have been much better and easier for all involved had this woman been able to feel a strong loving bond with her children from the start, I don’t understand how people can say she should have given the children up for adoption. The children were ultimately loved by her. They were cared for by her for half of each day, probably better than they would have been in many daycare centers.

And then they spent half of each day playing with a doting father, who was the reason she agreed to have children in the first place. If he’d been a single father who used daycare while he was at work, would anyone be suggesting he give his kids up for adoption? Or if it was the other way around, and the mother was doting, and the father preferred to be alone with his thoughts, caring for the children only when he had to, would adoption be mentioned?

 

[Litcrit]

I can’t help thinking that this particular family would have been better off had the mother continued to work outside the home and provide for the family, while the father stayed at home caring for the children he so obviously doted on and had a strong bond with.