The other adults who "run" my life

[CradleJourney]

I’m posting because I’m curious if anyone else has run into a similar problem - and how they choose to cope with it.

Tomorrow is the start of school, and heralds, once again, the ten months of the year when a large number of adults get to “run” my life. Who are they? Well, we have 6 high school teachers, 6 middle school teachers, and 6 elementary school teachers. Two soccer coaches, 2 den leaders, and 1 pack leader. One brownie leader, 4 PTO board members, 2 committee chairs, and 3 principals. Five religious education teachers, 1 director of religious ed, 1 cheerleading coach, 1 music director, and 2 choir leaders. Two adult children and one elderly parent.

Result - 46 adults who can, basically at the drop of a hat, disrupt my schedule and cause havoc in my life. Don’t get me wrong - I am truly grateful for these professionals and volunteers who work so hard to make things better for my kids. I truly love my adult children and my mom.

But I none of them seems to truly understands the stress, havoc and chaos they cause when they change schedules, fail to give proper notice of items needed, add on last minute extras, and otherwise come up with - what I’m sure seem like to them - “great ideas”.

Example: School supply lists have been posted for weeks. I was able to plan my shopping and each child has everything listed. However, I can guarantee that tomorrow at least 3 children will come home and inform me of “special” items this or that teacher wants specifically for their class - and that they need it by Friday. Not on Monday (allowing for regular weekend shopping) but by Friday. sigh

I could list an example for every single type of person I’ve listed - actual ones that happen. Individually they may not be much, but collectively, I find I am constantly running around putting out fires so to speak. I keep an organized calendar, but run into trouble as most coaches/leaders change times and dates - often with little notice. Or run into instances where one group / school will hand out a calendar with months worth of events scheduled while another won’t provide upcoming dates until the week before something’s happening.

With the advent of email and text messaging, I’ve noticed it’s definitely gotten worse - they think it, they send it, and figure everyone should be able to respond and adapt instantly. And if you don’t - well, that’s your problem. You must not really care, want to participate, etc.

Long story short - by the time you add in the 5 kids at home plus hubby, I have over 50 people “scheduling” my life with their plans and needs. And while I fully understand that “things happen” and “opportunities come up” - it’s frustrating that a little better planning, communication, and commitment to the schedules they do provide would make my life so much easier.

Granted - I agree to this by allowing my kids to participate in activities, by joining the PTO, and heck, even by not home-schooling (which, trust me, would be a disaster grin).

And in theory, I could simply say “no” (and I do). But sometimes that’s not an option (particularly with teachers and hs coaches), and sometimes it’d be too great a let-down on my children (missing every meeting for scouts for 2 months) or failing to see one perform their long awaited solo. And there’s always the “But mom, __________ said we have to bring ____________ on ____day because ‘insert good cause’.”

Sure - life with a middle sized family is naturally chaotic.

But I still feel like a leaf caught in a tornado - and it’d help a tad to know I’m not alone in this. Thanks for listening

 

[CatholicRaven]

I absolutely agree with you. It drives me crazy when people change schedules or plans at the last minute and expect everyone else to work it out, especially when the reason seems to be something trivial–it’s just highly inconsiderate. Barring an emergency or cancellation (during bad weather, for example), I cannot fathom why “organizers” cannot be more organized and stick to their own plan! Of course sometimes things happen that they cannot control, but I’ve been involved in plenty of groups where changes are made for no really good reason except it’s perhaps a little more convenient for the organizers!

We have six children, and we’ve had to limit them to one or two individual weekly activites each (depending on age/maturity level), plus up to two more weekly activities in which other members of our family are involved (such as our Catholic youth group). The youngest three are not yet old enough to be involved in much (one activity each, plus one group activity they all enjoy), and by the time they are old enough to do more, the older ones will be driving themselves to events and activities, so this works very well for us. (YMMV.)

The only advice I have is to prioritize and limit the activities your family participates in, skip the particularly difficult or incovenient ones altogether (or allow a sacrifice to be made by the person who wants to do it badly enough–such as dropping another beloved activity to make time for it), and leave a little wiggle room for the rest where you can.

As for teachers wanting specific items “by Friday,” I would drop a note in for the teacher whenever their request was particularly inconvenient: “Dear Teacher, Junior does not yet have the item you requested, because I did not receive notice about it in a timely manner. Please excuse him from this project until Monday, as I will be able to go shopping over the weekend and get the needed item then. I would appreciate earlier notice next time a special item is required, so that Junior can more fully participate in your class. Thank you.”

In fact, with a little editing for tactfulness, I’d consider copying your original post and giving a copy to each teacher, coach, etc., or discussing it with whomever is the authority in charge. Perhaps some of them simply need to be made aware that their changes are inconvenient and inconsiderate of parents.

God bless!

 

[PatriceA]

Well, I’ve been on both sides of the issue. I’ve had people in charge of some of my daughter’s activities that thought the world revolved around their schedule and their schedule alone and just could not fathom that people couldn’t make their events with only one or two days notice.

But I’ve also been in charge of a few parent groups and have planned athletic meets and school activities and it can be extremely frustrating for families to cancel out at the last minute and then scramble to do whatever it takes to have the event still take place. I’ve had parents upset with me when I’ve had to make changes at the last minute in schedules, but sometimes there are no other way to work around all the last minute cancellations and changes when one or two families back out last minute OR when the changes may come from a higher authority.

I think there needs to be more understanding from both parties. Those in charge have to have a bit more flexibility and give out schedules with as much prior notice as possible and realize they are not the only cog in the wheel. But at the same time, parents need to understand that their part in the planning and participating are also very important, and bowing out or canceling without much notice can really affect the whole group.

 

[TeresaMarie24]

I feel your pain. I run into this problem, as a parent AND a teacher. And let me tell you, it definitely cuts both ways.

Myself personally as a teacher, I try not to place too much burden on my parents. Even when I do ask for extra supplies and such, I make it merely as a request, not a demand. Sometimes parents will do it, sometimes they won’t. I often eat the cost for students whose parents won’t or can’t help out. C’est la vie.

Please understand this happens to us teachers as well. I have scheduled IEP meetings (annual meetings for special education students to discuss their plans), and have had parents cancel last minute, or make an entire group of people wait 45 minutes for them to arrive, with no phone call! Once last year, I arranged for my students with autism to visit the high school they would be going to this year. Only one student and parent showed up. No call from the second. And the third, when I got a hold of her, was angry at me for not calling and reminding her the night before that the trip was that day! Even though I’d sent home a reminder letter several times before then, that wasn’t good enough. :ehh: Again, c’est la vie. I can’t let it get to me because these things happen a lot.

I would say, don’t sweat it. If a teacher asks you for something, and you simply can’t do it, what power do we really have over that situation? I can’t kick a child out of my class (nor would I want to) because the parents can’t bring something I’ve requested.

I agree people shouldn’t change plans last minute, or ask for things they haven’t already planned for, but that’s life, no? I think the best thing I can do as a parent and a teacher, is keep in contact with everyone. If you tell me you can’t do something, no big deal, thanks for letting me know. If my kid will be out for the day, I’ll call the school as soon as I know that.

Please don’t stress yourself out about it. I want my parents to have a stress-free year so their kids do the same. And I’m hoping the parents make my life as easy as possible too, so I can get down to the business of teaching their children, rather than tracking them down. It won’t be perfect, but if we all work together and think of other people’s time, it sure will make for a smoother school year. Here’s to hoping your year is as smooth as possible!

 

[RoseMary131]

If it helps a tad to know you are not alone ----- You are not alone ----- .

How do we set our boundaries? Do we “jump through the hoops” or agree but with our on time frame and rules?

That’s what you can do - make your own boundaries and follow them.

Boundaries can move based on the situation. An unplanned run to the store that is disruptive but necessary - no food for breakfast tomorrow - you might say “yes”. An unplanned run to the store because the teacher added something - can wait until Monday.

If a teacher has a demand - you must buy an item in two days - if it causes too much problems for you - send in a note - “My child will have the item on Monday.”

If the change in schedule by the coach or other person causes too much problems (too much will be defined by you at that situation) - simply state “Sorry, we could not fit the change into our family schedule.”

You have the right to say “no” when any of these adults begin “scheduling” or “running” your life - your family schedule. You have a right to say “no” even to the wonderful things you want your children to enjoy.

Maybe books on setting boundaries and saying “no” would be helpful.

If you “drain yourself dry” - you have not helped yourself or your family. If you do things - but with resentment because you are under the “rule” of all these other people - you lose a part of your joy.

Know that you can say “no” and still be a loving, holy, thoughtful wife, mother, daughter, community member.

God bless you as the new school year begins. May you have peace.

 

[CatholicRaven]

TeresaMarie24,

Thank you for your post. I agree that both sides need to be understanding.

I hope and pray that the parents of your students realize what a blessing you are to them.

 

[TeresaMarie24]

TeresaMarie24,

Thank you for your post. I agree that both sides need to be understanding.

I hope and pray that the parents of your students realize what a blessing you are to them.

Aww, thank you so much! And I hope the teachers you deal with realize how great it is to have a parent that cares! Believe me, many parents don’t. I work in a behavior intervention program, and many of our students come from backgrounds that are anything but ideal.

God bless you and yours!

 

[RoseMary131]

As for teachers wanting specific items “by Friday,” I would drop a note in for the teacher whenever their request was particularly inconvenient: “Dear Teacher, Junior does not yet have the item you requested, because I did not receive notice about it in a timely manner. Please excuse him from this project until Monday, as I will be able to go shopping over the weekend and get the needed item then. I would appreciate earlier notice next time a special item is required, so that Junior can more fully participate in your class. Thank you.”

In fact, with a little editing for tactfulness,… Perhaps some of them simply need to be made aware that their changes are inconvenient and inconsiderate of parents.

I would change wording for tactfulness. A first note could say: “My child will have his items on Monday.” Only if the teacher continues with the pattern and the teacher seems to have a problem with the simple statement would you need to explain more.

You want to be careful how you reply to a person - making sure you are addressing the specific event and not expressing your frustration with other people.

The teacher may think she gave timely notice. The note to the teacher saying the child will have it on Monday may tell the teacher all she needs to know without implying she is not giving timely notice.

 

[1ke]

Other people can only “run” you and your life if you let them.

 

[Allegra]

I agree that the world is full of people who don’t make life easier for anyone else. I often feel like to get the simplist task accomplished, I have to chase after several people multiple times in order to convince them to do their part which they are supposed to do without any extra reminders. (And then I’m nagging.) That’s the way it works I guess. And then, sometimes you just have to say ‘no’ and they’ll have to live with it.

 

[coachdennis]

Other people can only “run” you and your life if you let them.

As you said in your post, you agreed to this. That was a “yes”. Now is the time for “no” – and not just to these adults but also to your kids.

Have you considered telling them they have to choose only ONE non-school activity or sport?

Think of the example you are sending to your children – chaos and being led in a dozen different ways is normal for families. Is that really the message of how to raise a family that you want to leave for YOUR children?

If you say “no”, and teach them to say “no”, they will see a parent who tries to have priorities and LIVES THEM OUT

 

[CradleJourney]

Thank you all for your responses, your advice and your viewpoints!

I fully appreciate it goes both ways having coached 16 seasons of youth soccer, lead two cub scout dens and worked many other volunteer positions.

I agree with limiting activities - but this count is what it looks like after we limited activities to one each

And while I have no problem sending in a note telling the teacher it will have to wait till Monday - doing that tends to cause the child involved to completely stress out. (They’re kids after all.)

And as I said, it’s rarely that one thing that pushes me over the edge - it’s the non-stop little things coming from all those directions that add up to one big craziness.

Yeah - speaking of craziness - it’s already begun - as I was typing this, just found out hubby has to leave for work 3 hours earlier than normal tomorrow … so I have to go shift all this evenings activities again (which were already changed after my mom discovered her car’s not starting and wants someone to check it out tonight) … ah well, it’s only life

Thanks again for making me feel better that I’m not the only one who runs into this!

 

[gardenswithkids]

I’m posting because I’m curious if anyone else has run into a similar problem - and how they choose to cope with it.

Tomorrow is the start of school, and heralds, once again, the ten months of the year when a large number of adults get to “run” my life. Who are they? Well, we have 6 high school teachers, 6 middle school teachers, and 6 elementary school teachers. Two soccer coaches, 2 den leaders, and 1 pack leader. One brownie leader, 4 PTO board members, 2 committee chairs, and 3 principals. Five religious education teachers, 1 director of religious ed, 1 cheerleading coach, 1 music director, and 2 choir leaders. Two adult children and one elderly parent.

Result - 46 adults who can, basically at the drop of a hat, disrupt my schedule and cause havoc in my life. Don’t get me wrong - I am truly grateful for these professionals and volunteers who work so hard to make things better for my kids. I truly love my adult children and my mom.

But I none of them seems to truly understands the stress, havoc and chaos they cause when they change schedules, fail to give proper notice of items needed, add on last minute extras, and otherwise come up with - what I’m sure seem like to them - “great ideas”.

Example: School supply lists have been posted for weeks. I was able to plan my shopping and each child has everything listed. However, I can guarantee that tomorrow at least 3 children will come home and inform me of “special” items this or that teacher wants specifically for their class - and that they need it by Friday. Not on Monday (allowing for regular weekend shopping) but by Friday. sigh

I could list an example for every single type of person I’ve listed - actual ones that happen. Individually they may not be much, but collectively, I find I am constantly running around putting out fires so to speak. I keep an organized calendar, but run into trouble as most coaches/leaders change times and dates - often with little notice. Or run into instances where one group / school will hand out a calendar with months worth of events scheduled while another won’t provide upcoming dates until the week before something’s happening.

With the advent of email and text messaging, I’ve noticed it’s definitely gotten worse - they think it, they send it, and figure everyone should be able to respond and adapt instantly. And if you don’t - well, that’s your problem. You must not really care, want to participate, etc.

Long story short - by the time you add in the 5 kids at home plus hubby, I have over 50 people “scheduling” my life with their plans and needs. And while I fully understand that “things happen” and “opportunities come up” - it’s frustrating that a little better planning, communication, and commitment to the schedules they do provide would make my life so much easier.

Granted - I agree to this by allowing my kids to participate in activities, by joining the PTO, and heck, even by not home-schooling (which, trust me, would be a disaster grin).

And in theory, I could simply say “no” (and I do). But sometimes that’s not an option (particularly with teachers and hs coaches), and sometimes it’d be too great a let-down on my children (missing every meeting for scouts for 2 months) or failing to see one perform their long awaited solo. And there’s always the “But mom, __________ said we have to bring ____________ on ____day because ‘insert good cause’.”

Sure - life with a middle sized family is naturally chaotic.

But I still feel like a leaf caught in a tornado - and it’d help a tad to know I’m not alone in this. Thanks for listening

Thank you for sharing and I understand your frustration. I wanted to quote this so I can more easily find what you wrote if anyone ever questions why so many parents with large-ish families homeschool. Or to remind myself why I homeschool my younger ones when homeschooling seems difficult.

My high school aged children do attend school and the others have various activities, so we still have various others running our life, but our number is significantly lower than yours.

Sometimes it really does seem that all these wonderful people who want to help us raise our families have made it much harder to raise our families.

 

[JimG]

Hmmm, I don’t have any advice, but your account of all these things reminded me of Teresa Bloomingdale’s 1979 book, “I Should Have Seen It Coming When The Rabbit Died,” which I was recently re-reading. There were a lot of the same things, and she didn’t even have to deal with emails, texts, and cell phones! I think maybe you should write a book, but it might have to wait till the kids are grown.

 

[jmcrae]

I would just say keep it simple. How many organized activities does each child actually need? What things can they do for themselves in the play room at home, or on the playground in their spare time?

Is it absolutely required that a child over the age of 10 be driven places, or can s/he bike over to the community centre, or take the bus to an activity that’s further away?

A child over the age of ten can also run to Mac’s to pick up whatever item it is that’s going to be needed at school on Friday. Mom shouldn’t be making extra shopping trips.

 

[RoseMary131]

Thank you all for your responses, your advice and your viewpoints!

And as I said, it’s rarely that one thing that pushes me over the edge - it’s the non-stop little things coming from all those directions that add up to one big craziness.

Yeah - speaking of craziness - it’s already begun - as I was typing this, just found out hubby has to leave for work 3 hours earlier than normal tomorrow … so I have to go shift all this evenings activities again (which were already changed after my mom discovered her car’s not starting and wants someone to check it out tonight) … ah well, it’s only life

Look at this… your husband tells you that he leaves for work 3 hours earlier tomorrow and you have to shift evening activities. If you husband made the change (for whatever reason) why do you have to make the activities shifts?

You can set up boundaries within your home that says your husband can make the shifts or he can at least assist with the new planning.

Again, your mom has a car problem, yet you have to deal with her issue tonight.

It says… you said “yes” to your mom, but were reluctant, or else it wouldn’t be an issue for you to write about.

It is life, as you said. We make plans and they change, but you do not need to be stressed. Which means you need a better plan so when life changes from your plan, you can go with the flow and change or else say “no”.

Your life is made up of all those little things coming non-stop from so many directions. You need to find a way to not let those little things heap up to one big craziness.

Take care of yourself… plenty of sleep, healthy meals, plenty of water, exercise, time to relax, time for others, time of God. Plus, see if you need to learn to say, “no” or to say “yes, but on a schedule that works for me.”

 

[CradleJourney]

Thank you for sharing and I understand your frustration. I wanted to quote this so I can more easily find what you wrote if anyone ever questions why so many parents with large-ish families homeschool. Or to remind myself why I homeschool my younger ones when homeschooling seems difficult.

My high school aged children do attend school and the others have various activities, so we still have various others running our life, but our number is significantly lower than yours.

Sometimes it really does seem that all these wonderful people who want to help us raise our families have made it much harder to raise our families.

 

[CradleJourney]

Hmmm, I don’t have any advice, but your account of all these things reminded me of Teresa Bloomingdale’s 1979 book, “I Should Have Seen It Coming When The Rabbit Died,” which I was recently re-reading. There were a lot of the same things, and she didn’t even have to deal with emails, texts, and cell phones! I think maybe you should write a book, but it might have to wait till the kids are grown.

LOL! I’ve often yearned to read a book that addresses similar situations to those I’ve run into over the years - maybe you’re right and instead of reading it, I’m the one who’s supposed to write it

(I did add that book to my “to read” list though - always looking for more things to read! Thanks!)

 

[CradleJourney]

As you said in your post, you agreed to this. That was a “yes”. Now is the time for “no” – and not just to these adults but also to your kids.

Have you considered telling them they have to choose only ONE non-school activity or sport?

Um…I guess I wasn’t clear - with the exception of the one in college who does multiple activities as part of her scholarships - they do only have one each outside of school and church.

Think of the example you are sending to your children – chaos and being led in a dozen different ways is normal for families. Is that really the message of how to raise a family that you want to leave for YOUR children?

If you say “no”, and teach them to say “no”, they will see a parent who tries to have priorities and LIVES THEM OUT

I do think of the example I am giving them - perhaps it’s not one that will work any longer in today’s society

My example is that if you join a group or team, then you participate and support that group as much as possible - not just when you feel like it. You attend the meetings / practices and follow the leadership’s requests to assist and to contribute to the cause. You respect your teachers and do what they say to do, when they say to do it, and you do it to the best of your ability.

What seems to me to be lost is for the “leaders” to realize that what is easy, or simple, or no big deal to them - may be quite a big deal for us. You (and other posters) are correct in that I should work on encouraging them to become more aware of this.

Of course, often it is stress and conflicts that really don’t have any other answer then to cope with them as they arise. And sometimes that means a “no” - and that’s what I give.
Just looking for comfort in knowing I’m really not the only one dealing with these situations - and never know who’s got some helpful tricks that work for them.

 

[jmcrae]

What if the whole family were to pick one activity? For example, everyone goes to Scouts, or, everyone does baseball, or, everyone goes to Youth Group, or, everyone joins the Children’s Choir.

Instead of having separate special activities for each kid.

For example, “Cat”'s family all does figure skating; all of the children only do that. This way, they all only have one night out per week, and it’s the same night out for everyone, and they are all going to the same place, so there is only one car trip there and back.

Or a friend of mine, his eight kids are all in the Children’s Choir and those who are old enough go to Youth Group. They live across the street from the Church, so there is no driving involved; when it’s time to come, the kids just come, and their parents can be free to clean house or do other things on those evenings.