The plot thickens...

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minnieg

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I posted a couple of weeks ago about my cowardice when it comes to in-laws who think my Church is oppressive because I won’t take communion at their Episcopal church. The post was specifically about an upcoming wedding, in which I will be matron of honor for my SIL, and may be expected to receive communion.

I’ll try to link to that post if you want to read about it:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=306405

So…I had gotten great responses in that thread and intended to contact the minister ahead of time, per suggestions.

HA!! Nothing so easy as that! I found out this weekend, while in SIL’s hometown for a bridal shower, that SIL and her soon-to-be-husband will be distributing the communion at their wedding!! Could this get more bizarre and difficult!??

It’s rather funny, at the moment. But my dread has certainly deepened. This SIL has been known to throw her emotional weight around, and is very manipulative. I’ve especially caught the brunt at times because (a) I was her best friend before marrying her brother, and (b) I don’t often properly defend myself, as I’m so taken aback by her attacks.

I don’t think she is yet aware that I don’t intend to receive, as I’ve received before when I wasn’t clear on the Catholic instruction in this area. (Funny, though, it sure didn’t feel right. 😉 )
I really will have to tell her - dang! It seems like a little test for me.

I am risking years of the cold shoulder.

Thank God for my DH, who will back me up. He told me he almost called to tell her for me this afternoon while I was gone. He is just the spinal brace I need. But I do intend to do the deed myself.
 
Have you considered contacting her minister? He might give you support mightn’t he? As a minister he may understand your predicament, and may be a good person to have onside.
 
Yes, actually, that was part of the post. And, it was the main suggestion the first time I posted, and what I had intended to do (and likely will still do). But it will still be a different dynamic, now, when I can’t keep it just between me and the ministers.

I’ll also be asking as many Catholic priests as will listen to me for a little help.

And, I intend to read a book titled Boundareis by Dr. Henry Cloud for a little bolstering!
 
yeah it is best of you do it yourself, and she should understand.
 
Phone or email her pastor, do it now - this week. They longer you wait, the bigger you let the dread and anxiety grow.

Explain to him, as a man of goodwill, I will pray that he respects and understands your position. When he says that he does, ask for him to schedule a sit down meeting with you, SIL and MIL (if you are out of town now, you can be on the speaker phone).

He explains what Catholics believe, they ask questions, he mediates, it is over.
 
I vote for the coward’s way out . . .

Determine NOW that you are not going to take communion. Also determine that you WILL NOT discuss this with anyone. Simply see how the set up is, even “practice” doing whatever you are told at the rehearsal. And when the time comes, don’t receive. Step aside, if need be, saying quietly to the person behind you, "you go ahead, I’m Catholic . . . " In the middle of the wedding no one is going to say anything, even if by chance they notice. Just be sure you have determined exactly where you are going to step or stay to avoid communion from them without drawing attention to yourself.

Do all this with a happy and loving smile. If you are confronted later, apologize profusely. "Oh, I’m so sorry. I guess I assumed you knew Catholics do not participate in other faith’s communions and I could not do so now. I’m so sorry. I assumed too much. I’m so sorry if you were upset. I should have explained earlier but I thought you knew. Gee, I’m sorry . . . "

Given the fact that these people seem ready for a fight, I would out passive-aggressive everyone in sight . . . and you may be surprised how little you have to say if you appear slightly confused and completely sincere.

This may not be the time, nor the audience, to evangelize and explain the whys and wherefores of our faith.
 
IrishAm,

that is tempting and would be my normal course of action, except that SIL and MIL have probably seen me receive before. This is why MIL was in tears the first time I refused communion and did not allow my kids to go.

They will know it is completely disingenuine for me to state that I assume they knew (in fact, they have stated in my presence how exclusivist the Catholic church is for disallowing non-Catholics from receiving, and * they* would know that* I* know that they would consider me the same for refusing communion in their church).

I don’t think I can play innocent this time. Though I could do most of what you said and then just tell them later that I didn’t want to ruin the pre-wedding time with discussion of the inevitable. As you said, this is not the time nor the audience.

I have a feeling I will be the first in the communion line, which complicates matters.
 
The bottom line, is that you don’t answer to your inlaws…you answer to God. I wouldn’t be bullied, pressured, whatever the word is…to taking Communion in a church that isn’t the Catholic Church. I would just say beforehand…I am excited about the wedding, but please…don’t expect me to take communion. Let’s just come to that agreement before the wedding, etc…however you choose to word it.

Again, you don’t answer to your inlaws. If they are angry, oh well…they will get over it. (hopefully!) lol

Good luck…be brave, and just tell them your position on this…
 
Tell them up front you won’t be receiving and that you won’t engage in a debate about it. If it comes up, change the subject.

If SIL needs to change her mind and ask someone else to be maid of honor, so be it.

I wouldn’t contact the minister, at least not in advance. Imagine how SIL might interpret that?! (trying to get him on your side, blah, blah, blah…) If he raises his eyebrows at the rehearsal, briefly explain why you won’t be in line. He can make appropriate changes in how the line will flow.

What drama! My husband comes from a very ecumenical family and I have never heard of this sort of thing happening in his family.
 
minnieg said:
IrishAm,

that is tempting and would be my normal course of action, except that SIL and MIL have probably seen me receive before. This is why MIL was in tears the first time I refused communion and did not allow my kids to go.

They will know it is completely disingenuine for me to state that I assume they knew (in fact, they have stated in my presence how exclusivist the Catholic church is for disallowing non-Catholics from receiving, and * they* would know that* I* know that they would consider me the same for refusing communion in their church).

I don’t think I can play innocent this time. Though I could do most of what you said and then just tell them later that I didn’t want to ruin the pre-wedding time with discussion of the inevitable. As you said, this is not the time nor the audience.

I have a feeling I will be the first in the communion line, which complicates matters.
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Of course they KNOW the Catholic position, and know furthermore that the Catholic position is unalterable. They’ve said as much. They just don’t respect that belief, which is a different thing entirely from not knowing of it.

So it would be perfectly right to say “I thought you knew” or “I assumed you knew”.
 
Drama indeed! Not fun to live with. That is the reason I need to once and for all face it. I just hate coming to grips with confrontation.

While not my style, I need to become as indignant as they can be, and make it clear as day that I will not waver - no debate.
 
minnieg said:
Drama indeed! Not fun to live with. That is the reason I need to once and for all face it. I just hate coming to grips with confrontation.

While not my style, I need to become as indignant as they can be, and make it clear as day that I will not waver - no debate.
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You don’t need to be indignant. Just keep one sentence in your mind and on your lips - ‘It is contrary to my Catholic faith to receive Communion in your church, so I will not do it. This is between me and God alone, and is NOT up for discussion or debate’.

Repeat exactly that sentence, as often as needed - and it shouldn’t be too many times.
 
If women do not give one ounce of respect for your Faith, why did you agree to be part of the wedding party? Friends do not treat each other that way - this woman used to be your best friend, it does not sound as if she is any kind of friend now.

Have you talked to the bride to be at all about your Faith?
 
Trishie said:
Have you considered contacting her minister? He might give you support mightn’t he? As a minister he may understand your predicament, and may be a good person to have onside.
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This is good advice. Contact her minister… and ask HIM to have a talk with her. Surely, he (being a minister) will be able to understand your reasoning for not wanting to receive communion at the wedding. This is a matter of conscience for you, based on your OWN religious beliefs. Your SIL must respect this.
 
kage_ar,

Refusing to be in the wedding party is not the way for me to handle this conflict at all.

These women DO have at least an ounce of respect for my faith. They don’t have 100% respect for my faith. And they want me to show Christian solidarity with them in their faith by receiving communion that is open to all baptized Christians. From their POV, I am the one showing disrespect. I am snubbing. That is what makes this so difficult - as well as the personalities involved.

Yes, these women in-laws can be very emotionally manipulative. But I accept a matron of honor position - which I was surprised to have been given - because SIL also has many very beautiful qualities that I admire and love, even if she can act a bit crazy! Relationships are complex! Especially these! 🙂

Additionally, she is family, now, as well as friend. I will have to live with these people the rest of my life! If I want to convince them that my faith is beautiful and loving, then I have to respond lovingly but firmly (and yes, I think, sometimes indignantly when met with indignance. e.g. “Why can you be upset about what you call my faith’s lack of tolerance when you yourself are being intolerant of my choices???”)

You may be responding from frustration with my whiny tone - I understand that. I do sound whiny!! :o I feel whiny. In fact, I feel sick to my stomach. I want a simple answer that does not involve confrontation. I know that it does not exist.

Understand that I haven’t yet taken a stand on this to her. It has not been an issue with SIL yet, only with MIL. As far as SIL knows, I am willing to receive.

But yes, if this scenario is played out in any other way than, “OK, I understand - we’ll figure something out for you minnieg,” then this may be the point that I have to tell her to find someone else. I would like to avoid that, and have so far appreciated all the advice I have gotten. It will all help me sort through the best way to approach this to make myself understood and respected.

That’s why I have returned for additional advice and support here. This is not a simple situation!
 
This thread was started really to point out that a bad situation was just made more difficult when I learned that SIL and soon-to-be BIL will be distributing communion!

I truly actually found it to be such a complex situation that it has become funny. I am being forced to out myself, with no place to cower!

The wimp has to stand up for herself - no more excuses or hiding.

It would be funny in a movie, and I thought all those that had read my first post would be interested to hear that little update.

I will post again when the deed is done. (But until then, y’all feel free to keep advising! Every post strengthens my spine a little more.)
 
If someone in your family-in-law married a practicing jew, would MIL and the rest of the gang get wrapped around the axles because that person would not eat ham at dinner or would they respect his/her faith? THAT is what I mean by showing no respect for your faith.
 
They would not, but because I am a Christian - as they are - they object to what they consider separatism.

A Jew they would expect to follow different dictates (in fact, my MIL’s mother married a Jewish man after her first husband died; MIL and the rest of the family always boast about the Episcopal minister who was the only minister in the city to be willing to marry a Jew to a Christian, so they have this history of desiring openness and acceptance over strict adherence to religious teaching. Rational or not, they view the Church in opposition to this desire for openness, and myself as choosing the wrong side!)

My view is that I celebrate with them the large portion of our beliefs that are similar, but until we are truly united in faith, then I cannot commune. It’s the explaining this in a way that causes the least amount of discord that is my thorny goal!
 
kage_ar said:
If someone in your family-in-law married a practicing jew, would MIL and the rest of the gang get wrapped around the axles because that person would not eat ham at dinner or would they respect his/her faith? THAT is what I mean by showing no respect for your faith.
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Honestly I do not see why they should respect her faith. It appears that she is not respecting theirs. Anything wrong with this picture? No!

I agree on the topic of respecting each other, but I do not see why we should respect each other choices/faiths. It is obvious that there are different faiths/denominations because there is an intrinsic lack of respect toward some or all the beliefs maintained by a different group.

The O.P. is doing the right thing by not receiving “communion”, and I am surprised that the other people want her to receive their “communion”. If they were truly aware of the sacramental and theological meaning of the “communion” in their denomination, they would not force anyone to receive the sacrament against their will.

This is not about respect but simply about compromise. If the people are not willing to compromise then we have an impasse. This has nothing to do with faith but with control. Sometime it is fine to leave someone else to control our behaviors; however, sometime it is not.
 
Very good Cristiano. There clearly is something that I don’t respect in their faith, or I would be a member.

They are, in fact, very proud that their church announces that all baptized Christians are welcome to communion. I do not understand it. They place a different kind of emphasis on who communes and who doesn’t, I guess.

An impasse it is. And, wanting to preserve the good parts of our in-law relationship causes me this trouble. Cristiano is right - this is a point that must not be left up to their control. I’m posting here because that is where I have difficulty.

As an aside, anyone wanting to convince a single to marry within the faith should consider sharing posts like this. I love my husband, but life is very difficult when it comes to unshared values. Thank goodness he will back me up.
 
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