Exactly. The problem is one of some men feeling entitled to access a woman as an object of self-gratification. Such a man wants a wife for the self-oriented benefits of being spouses, not a specific, compatible partner for their mutual growth and well-being. They don’t like the natural result of being emotionally immature, entitled, and disrespectful—celibacy.
Instead of engaging in honest self reflection and making concerted efforts to be their best selves, these men are instead projecting their personal failings on society (specifically, the women who reject them). It’s a canard to suggest the women they’d otherwise have had access to are now with other men. Bull! If you’re a Catholic man, the Catholic woman for you wouldn’t shop around sexually.
The solution to this is to raise godly men who are simultaneously strong and humble, hard-working, generous, and believe in women as equals. This is what the most attractive women want, and men (and their parents) avoid inculcating these beliefs at their own risk.
Unfortunately, we live in an androcentric culture, broadly speaking, and the Catholic Church is no exception. The Church administrative still openly emphasizes masculine supremacy, from the appointment of all-male ecclesiastical leadership, a marital code that over-emphasizes reproduction at the expense of spousal union, to pithy encyclicals on gender complementarity that rely on a pseudo-scientific biological determinism lens for internal consistency. The attitude of culturally-sanctioned male entitlement is a major impediment to fostering masculinity—the kind that is responsible, altruistic, wise, and generous (think: Jesus, St Joseph, King Solomon).
And, as a result, many of our boys—and boys of other faiths— are socialized from an early age to expect near-servitude from their mothers and female relatives. Fast forward 20 years, and that attitude morphs from “my mom is responsible for doing my laundry/cooking/cleaning” to “my wife is responsible for fulfilling my sexual appetite/my wife needs to bring in a 6-figure salary/my wife needs to make X children”. (There are obviously female equivalents—I shudder to think of what the obsession with princesses is doing for female agency and entitlement! Equally unattractive!)
In the intervening time, where is the inculcation of self-sufficiency, effectiveness, gratitude, and mutual giving? It’s been long trained out of the boy who, as a chronological man, has not developed adult maturity. That is NOT sexy.
My advice for incels? Work on yourself first. Invest in your career development, volunteer for a meaningful cause, grow your mind through continuous reading and study, give generously to charity, and invest in your health through good exercise and nutrition. A man with a sense of purpose, who is actively pursuing the best life for him through consistent and responsible action—very appealing.
