The real truth about my sex life - HELP

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BusyMom30

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Dear Readers,

I have lurked here a long time, and I feel so frustrated that I finally feel like I need to post. I really appreciate people’s reading my “story” and offering suggestions or even frank observations. I am at my wit’s end!

Have been married nine years, and in that time I have had four great kids. My youngest is 9 months old and my oldest is almost 8. That’s a lot of kids in a short amount of time. I am a stay-home mom and my husband works really hard to support us. He is a great guy! I made a really wise decision to marry him. We are alike in so many ways, we almost never argue.

Except about one thing.

Our sex life.

Ugh. I just don’t want to have sex. I haven’t really “wanted” to since after my first baby was born. I have been nursing and breeding since that time, and I just don’t feel like my hormones are screaming for me to “get pregnant again!” I am pretty overwhelmed at home (it’s not my husband’s fault, he does half the housework and tons of childcare, I am just… you know… kinda burned out.) I feel this is purely biological, my body just knows a pregnancy is not a good idea right now so obviously I don’t have the chemicals surging that I need to to WANT sex. I honestly feel like I would be happy NEVER to have sex again. My husband touching me makes my skin crawl. Not because he is a gross person, but because I know what he wants.

His sex drive is pretty high and he believes that sex is absolutely integral to a healthy marriage. He does not like feeling that he is “raping” me when I am not enjoying the sex. He wants me to like it. I can’t. I try. I do try to act and pretend for his sake. But he sees right through the falseness, and then feels like he is using my body to masturbate himself. How can I make myself want something that seems so off-putting? I just want to go to bed. Or read a magazine. Or take a bath. For years. Seriously, I do not ever, ever want sex. I don’t want to be pregnant (neither does he), and I just want my body left alone for a while.

I try to tell him that all day I have kids all over me, nursing, needing their butts wiped, needing to be carried and fed and cleaned - I am not a touchy person by nature so at the end of the day when my husband wants a piece of my body I just CRINGE. I want to scream at him to stop needing me to give even more of myself when I feel I have zero to give. He says I am cold and that my turning him down hurts him. He does not understand how a person does not want sex…ever.

I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want to ruin my marriage. I want my husband to be happy, but I also wish he understood what it feels like to really, really not want to have sex. He has no idea and can’t even imagine it. He says I need to fix my sex drive, but I say he should fix his! His ideal frequency is about 3 times per week (okay, it’s every day, but he says he would be really satisfied with 3 days a week), and mine is absolutely NEVER.

Sometimes when I know I have to have sex with my husband I drink a few glasses of wine so that it’s easier to get it over with. Isn’t that awful!?

Any advice?
 
If the thought of getting pregnant again at this point in your life brings you so much anxiety, I’d say that’s a pretty good reason to avoid for the time being. Use NFP to avoid intercourse on the days you are fertile.

As for not wanting to have sex with your spouse… sorry, but it’s just something you’re going to have to keep doing. If you’re not enjoying sex, could it be he’s not really doing it right? Have you thought about what you like, and told him to do it? Can you think of anything that would make sex more fun or pleasurable to you, like certain sex toys/ect?
 
Are you doing NFP? It doesn’t sound like it. I would go that road with the cooperation of your husband. I used to thank God for it to be honest, as it meant we both knew which page we both needed to on and when. It made it so much better for me not to have to always feel ‘available’ all the time.
 
The OP should get herself checked out for physical/medical issues, depression, hormone levels, etc., before moving on to mental and spiritual matters. At least she admits there is a problem, that much is a step forward.
 
BusyMom30 said:
Dear Readers,

I have lurked here a long time, and I feel so frustrated that I finally feel like I need to post. I really appreciate people’s reading my “story” and offering suggestions or even frank observations. I am at my wit’s end!

Have been married nine years, and in that time I have had four great kids. My youngest is 9 months old and my oldest is almost 8. That’s a lot of kids in a short amount of time. I am a stay-home mom and my husband works really hard to support us. He is a great guy! I made a really wise decision to marry him. We are alike in so many ways, we almost never argue.

Except about one thing.

Our sex life.

Ugh. I just don’t want to have sex. I haven’t really “wanted” to since after my first baby was born. I have been nursing and breeding since that time, and I just don’t feel like my hormones are screaming for me to “get pregnant again!” I am pretty overwhelmed at home (it’s not my husband’s fault, he does half the housework and tons of childcare, I am just… you know… kinda burned out.) I feel this is purely biological, my body just knows a pregnancy is not a good idea right now so obviously I don’t have the chemicals surging that I need to to WANT sex. I honestly feel like I would be happy NEVER to have sex again. My husband touching me makes my skin crawl. Not because he is a gross person, but because I know what he wants.

His sex drive is pretty high and he believes that sex is absolutely integral to a healthy marriage. He does not like feeling that he is “raping” me when I am not enjoying the sex. He wants me to like it. I can’t. I try. I do try to act and pretend for his sake. But he sees right through the falseness, and then feels like he is using my body to masturbate himself. How can I make myself want something that seems so off-putting? I just want to go to bed. Or read a magazine. Or take a bath. For years. Seriously, I do not ever, ever want sex. I don’t want to be pregnant (neither does he), and I just want my body left alone for a while.

I try to tell him that all day I have kids all over me, nursing, needing their butts wiped, needing to be carried and fed and cleaned - I am not a touchy person by nature so at the end of the day when my husband wants a piece of my body I just CRINGE. I want to scream at him to stop needing me to give even more of myself when I feel I have zero to give. He says I am cold and that my turning him down hurts him. He does not understand how a person does not want sex…ever.

I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want to ruin my marriage. I want my husband to be happy, but I also wish he understood what it feels like to really, really not want to have sex. He has no idea and can’t even imagine it. He says I need to fix my sex drive, but I say he should fix his! His ideal frequency is about 3 times per week (okay, it’s every day, but he says he would be really satisfied with 3 days a week), and mine is absolutely NEVER.

Sometimes when I know I have to have sex with my husband I drink a few glasses of wine so that it’s easier to get it over with. Isn’t that awful!?

Any advice?
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Get a babysitter with all your kids who are old enough to have one (or send them to grandma’s house for the night). Have your husband take you out on a nice romantic evening and spend time together dating each other. It’s hard (for both men and women, but probably more often for women) to snap a finger and switch from parent to romantic partner.

As hard as it is, it essential to have romantic time just the two of you (or two plus infant if absolutely necessary).
 
LongingSoul said:
Are you doing NFP? It doesn’t sound like it. I would go that road with the cooperation of your husband. I used to thank God for it to be honest, as it meant we both knew which page we both needed to on and when. It made it so much better for me not to have to always feel ‘available’ all the time.
Click to expand...
Yes.

It might be helpful to stop breastfeeding, get cycles back, chart for NFP, and then see how you feel. You might benefit greatly from having predictable 2 or 3 week break from marital relations. As the joke goes, how can I miss you if you never go away?

Honestly, does it really make sense for a breastfeeding woman with a 9-month-old baby to be having lots of sex? Without cycles, there likely isn’t the sort of hormonal activity going on that would make sex interesting and enjoyable for you.

If you feel the same way in a year, by all means investigate the medical side of your situation, but for the moment, it seems reasonable that you’re just in normal postpartum hormonal shutdown and the reason it’s gone on so long is that you haven’t had a long break yet between babies.

By the way, Vicki Iovine’s Girlfriends Guide to the First Year and her Girlfriend’s Guide to Getting Your Groove back have a whole chapter in each book devoted to your problem. Read them with your husband.
 
I agree about actively practicing NFP. And I would suggest that you two consider concrete steps you can take to easing life for you a bit, at least occasionally. What helps you relax and unwind? Go get a massage, or a manicure, or go shopping by yourself, or take a long nap, or whatever it may be that helps you recharge. Take similar steps a few times and see if that helps increase your desire. If so, great! When my wife is overwhelmed, I know that she’s going to have a hard time being loving to me, physically or otherwise. And then it’s time to let her sleep in, giver her a long footrub, go to Target without a little nursling tagging along, or all of the above :D. Given that he apparently is getting sex much less often than he would like, hopefully he’s willing to take some of these steps.

If that kind of thing does not help, then maybe some counseling might help. I don’t mean to suggest you are broken or at fault–but you clearly are distressed by your current situation, and that is something that is probably worth trying.

Also, just practically, his statement that he wants sex 3x per week is a bit excessive, and considerably above the average of happy, successful, healthy married couples. You should try to move from wanting sex NEVER to occasionally; he will need to move from often to occasionally, as well. Those are my thoughts, at least. I’ll pray for you two.
 
Zzyzx_Road said:
The OP should get herself checked out for physical/medical issues, depression, hormone levels, etc., before moving on to mental and spiritual matters. At least she admits there is a problem, that much is a step forward.
Click to expand...
I suspect that the OP’s body is telling her, “Hey, I think we have enough kids for the moment. Thankyouverymuch. Let’s take a break until it’s time to have more.”

And it’s hard to argue with that.

Not that there might not be depression or hormonal issues, but there’s a certain level of hormonal impairment that is just part and parcel of being the mother of an infant/small toddler. In my limited personal experience, the lights sometimes turn on very promptly just before two years postpartum, but the OP hasn’t ever gotten that far without getting pregnant again, so it’s not mysterious why she isn’t interested in sex.
 
This sounds like a crisis moment. Did you know that the Chinese pictogram for crisis also means opportunity? So, this is an opportunity.
Sex in marriage is a gift for both spouses. It is not just something a wife gives her husband, but it is something the husband gives his wife.

You are giving, giving, giving, all the time, all day long. I understand that, I really do. I have four kids, from 9 to 1, and also baby due next month. And I homeschool! So I understand how you feel. And for a while, I was tempted to feel overwhelmed and upset that on top of everything else, I had to be receptive when my husband wanted sex.

Then, I began reading what the popes and saints had to say about conjugal love and the marital act. I began having talks with my husband about everything I read, and what was in my heart, and what I needed to feel safe and receptive.

If you are otherwise healthy, and had no nerve damage from childbirth (which can impact full sensation), then it is likely exhaustion and stress that has caused this. These problems can and should be addressed. Are there ways you can streamline your daily routine, ways to incorporate opportunities for nonsexual affection, ways to get help with some things so you are not so exhausted? Explore these ideas with your husband.

But don’t give up on yourself, and don’t let your husband give up either. If sex is not enjoyable, discuss why. Think about what you like and don’t like. Try different touches and techniques. Try being the initiator and being more assertive a few times. Throw yourself into it without reserve or hesitation. He is your husband and you are his wife. Enjoy that sense of belonging and vulnerability. Know that seeking pleasure with your spouse is not only acceptable, but it is encouraged.

Some people here might be able to give more specific advice, but I thought maybe a pep talk, from one tired mom to another, might help. I just think you deserve the joy and pleasure of the marital embrace, but your exhaustion and stress is preventing you from seeking it. I think of you tell your husband you want to let him love you in that way and you need his help to reawaken desire in you, he will be ecstatic and you will be surprised. Good luck!
 
Being a heartless guy, my one line summary of the OP is that the idea of sexual intimacy with your husband makes your skin crawl with revulsion. Not on specific occasions, but generally.

You can bet he’s hearing that message loud and clear. I’m not at all sure how you should fix this but I’d strongly advise you to get some help in doing something about this ASAP. No man’s affection can long survive such a message emanating from his wife for long, regardless of his virtue or strength.

I’m sure the issues go beyond you to him as well. Problems rarely are one-sided. Some couple’s therapy in a specifically catholic environment perhaps. Get out of your head the idea that everything is fine except for one silly and irrelevant thing. It’s neither silly nor irrelevant. It’s a serious indicator about the health of your relationship. If his sexual attraction for you makes you feel they way you describe, something is seriously wrong.
 
Loki(name removed by moderator) said:
If the thought of getting pregnant again at this point in your life brings you so much anxiety, I’d say that’s a pretty good reason to avoid for the time being. Use NFP to avoid intercourse on the days you are fertile.

As for not wanting to have sex with your spouse… sorry, but it’s just something you’re going to have to keep doing. If you’re not enjoying sex, could it be he’s not really doing it right? Have you thought about what you like, and told him to do it? Can you think of anything that would make sex more fun or pleasurable to you, like certain sex toys/ect?
Click to expand...
Thank you for your response. We do use NFP, but right now I am not menstruating.

It’s not that I am physically unable to enjoy sex, and my husband would literally do whatever I asked of him in the bedroom. I’m not sure I would feel comfortable with sex toys, though.
 
Zzyzx_Road said:
The OP should get herself checked out for physical/medical issues, depression, hormone levels, etc., before moving on to mental and spiritual matters. At least she admits there is a problem, that much is a step forward.
Click to expand...
I’m pretty sure I am healthy, although I am very tired and not feeling very “hot” since the last baby. My hormones are, predictably, affected by full-time breastfeeding.
 
phillylawyer said:
Get a babysitter with all your kids who are old enough to have one (or send them to grandma’s house for the night). Have your husband take you out on a nice romantic evening and spend time together dating each other. It’s hard (for both men and women, but probably more often for women) to snap a finger and switch from parent to romantic partner.

As hard as it is, it essential to have romantic time just the two of you (or two plus infant if absolutely necessary).
Click to expand...
That is a great suggestion, thank you. We DO need to take more time for ourselves outside of the home/without kids. The baby can be left for a couple of hours - enough to run out for a meal. The problem is that babysitters are super expensive, and then to add that to eating out somewhere decent, it gets pricey. Still, we could do it a little more often.
 
Xantippe said:
Yes.

It might be helpful to stop breastfeeding, get cycles back, chart for NFP, and then see how you feel. You might benefit greatly from having predictable 2 or 3 week break from marital relations. As the joke goes, how can I miss you if you never go away?

Honestly, does it really make sense for a breastfeeding woman with a 9-month-old baby to be having lots of sex? Without cycles, there likely isn’t the sort of hormonal activity going on that would make sex interesting and enjoyable for you.

If you feel the same way in a year, by all means investigate the medical side of your situation, but for the moment, it seems reasonable that you’re just in normal postpartum hormonal shutdown and the reason it’s gone on so long is that you haven’t had a long break yet between babies.

By the way, Vicki Iovine’s Girlfriends Guide to the First Year and her Girlfriend’s Guide to Getting Your Groove back have a whole chapter in each book devoted to your problem. Read them with your husband.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your suggestions. I would not be comfortable weaning my baby this early in the game, but I do look forward to him cutting back after a year (just 3 more months!)

And yeah, I do think the hormones and the physical care of very young children is doing a number on me. Honestly, we are all animals and my body is saying: take care of the babies you already have, don’t make more! I think it’s pretty normal, it’s just driving my husband insane because, as a male, he is always ready to inseminate (to put it in animal terms!) I will check out those books.
 
camerong said:
I agree about actively practicing NFP. And I would suggest that you two consider concrete steps you can take to easing life for you a bit, at least occasionally. What helps you relax and unwind? Go get a massage, or a manicure, or go shopping by yourself, or take a long nap, or whatever it may be that helps you recharge. Take similar steps a few times and see if that helps increase your desire. If so, great! When my wife is overwhelmed, I know that she’s going to have a hard time being loving to me, physically or otherwise. And then it’s time to let her sleep in, giver her a long footrub, go to Target without a little nursling tagging along, or all of the above :D. Given that he apparently is getting sex much less often than he would like, hopefully he’s willing to take some of these steps.

If that kind of thing does not help, then maybe some counseling might help. I don’t mean to suggest you are broken or at fault–but you clearly are distressed by your current situation, and that is something that is probably worth trying.

Also, just practically, his statement that he wants sex 3x per week is a bit excessive, and considerably above the average of happy, successful, healthy married couples. You should try to move from wanting sex NEVER to occasionally; he will need to move from often to occasionally, as well. Those are my thoughts, at least. I’ll pray for you two.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your post. Yes, I think we could probably cut to the counseling. My husband is great and does encourage me to take breaks and do things I enjoy. It’s just with the kids in school and lots of evening activities, there is very little time. I have become resentful and have started to think of my husband as a beast who just wants to drain me of everything I have. I think there has been some damage with his constant asking for sex and my constantly not wanting it.
 
mommamaree said:
This sounds like a crisis moment. Did you know that the Chinese pictogram for crisis also means opportunity? So, this is an opportunity.
Sex in marriage is a gift for both spouses. It is not just something a wife gives her husband, but it is something the husband gives his wife.

You are giving, giving, giving, all the time, all day long. I understand that, I really do. I have four kids, from 9 to 1, and also baby due next month. And I homeschool! So I understand how you feel. And for a while, I was tempted to feel overwhelmed and upset that on top of everything else, I had to be receptive when my husband wanted sex.

Then, I began reading what the popes and saints had to say about conjugal love and the marital act. I began having talks with my husband about everything I read, and what was in my heart, and what I needed to feel safe and receptive.

If you are otherwise healthy, and had no nerve damage from childbirth (which can impact full sensation), then it is likely exhaustion and stress that has caused this. These problems can and should be addressed. Are there ways you can streamline your daily routine, ways to incorporate opportunities for nonsexual affection, ways to get help with some things so you are not so exhausted? Explore these ideas with your husband.

But don’t give up on yourself, and don’t let your husband give up either. If sex is not enjoyable, discuss why. Think about what you like and don’t like. Try different touches and techniques. Try being the initiator and being more assertive a few times. Throw yourself into it without reserve or hesitation. He is your husband and you are his wife. Enjoy that sense of belonging and vulnerability. Know that seeking pleasure with your spouse is not only acceptable, but it is encouraged.

Some people here might be able to give more specific advice, but I thought maybe a pep talk, from one tired mom to another, might help. I just think you deserve the joy and pleasure of the marital embrace, but your exhaustion and stress is preventing you from seeking it. I think of you tell your husband you want to let him love you in that way and you need his help to reawaken desire in you, he will be ecstatic and you will be surprised. Good luck!
Click to expand...
Thank you for the pep talk, I appreciate it. I know I need to fix this. I mean, I feel like I am fighting against normal biology to meet my husbands needs/demands, but there HAS to be some way to circumvent my body needing a break.
 
Hmmm… what you guys need is to find a way for you to feel as though sex is something that your husband is giving to your body, rather than taking away…
 
BusyMom30 said:
Thank you for your response. We do use NFP, but right now I am not menstruating.

It’s not that I am physically unable to enjoy sex, and my husband would literally do whatever I asked of him in the bedroom. I’m not sure I would feel comfortable with sex toys, though.
Click to expand...
Your description of your husband, both here and in the OP, make it clear that he is a man who really deserves your best efforts. You do owe it to him to bend over backwards to fix this issue. It may not be fun, but talking to your priest, seeing a counselor, and getting a full medical checkup are steps that you need to take for the sake of your husband and your marriage.

Just because you are ok with no sex doesn’t mean he is, nor is it fair to expect him to be.
 
Though I am not married and never have been, this is a conversation I have heard from others many times. If you don’t feel like sex, you don’t and your husband really needs to get a grip as far as I am concerned. Child bearing does have a variety of effects on a woman, including different hormonal fluxes and the ever present fatigue associated with nursing, being up all times of the day and night to change and care for the kids.

My mom told me that she had this trouble with our dad. It was if he could never get enough sex and she could have cared less. It is, I suppose one of the “hazards” of having kids. Still I get frustrated with hearing from so many women who struggle with this, while their husband can’t figure out why. It does seem really unfair.

I think we could teach men more about this and try to get them to understand that sex is not everything in a marriage. Now, I don’t know if giving you a couple of days to yourself, as in a retreat or little vacation would help, but I have heard some suggest it. But if your body is saying no sex, then you are more than likely correct that it is also saying no more kids just now. Shouldn’t this be part of NFP???
 
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